By Shawn Valentono, Torch specialist

Twenty-five years of WrestleMania have given us some classic matches that we will all cherish and remember forever. Last week, I wrote an article on my top 25 WrestleMania matches of all time. One of the most interesting things I discovered during my research was that “The Grandest Stage of Them All” has actually showcased far more bad matches than good. For every Undertaker versus Shawn Michaels, there are far more Crush versus Doinks that serve as lame filler on the card.

Actually, in the first decade of WrestleMania, the undercard merely was designed to be mildly entertaining but not take away from the main event of the program. Truly great wrestlers such as Curt Hennig, Ricky Steamboat and Owen Hart often were regulated to meaningless mid-card mediocrity. Amazingly, even a man who has become synonymous with the event with his legendary streak, The Undertaker, has actually been in more terrible matches than spectacular ones. This week, we take a fun look back at some of the worst matches in WrestleMania history, from the ones we wish had not discovered to the ones we would love to forget.

(10) “Rowdy” Roddy Piper versus Bad News Brown: WrestleMania 6

What more needs to be said about this eye-sore of an “entertainment” experience other than the fact that Piper came out to the ring painted half black to send some type of message. You know, typical babyface behavior to appeal to the impressionable children in the audience. The only message that came across, besides the obvious racial overtones, is that he was a moron. Legend has it that whatever paint Piper used took over three weeks to remove. Unfortunately, for whoever watched this disaster, it takes much longer to remove the memory.

(9) The Undertaker versus The Giant Gonzalez

In order to appreciate just how phenomenal The Undertaker truly has become, one has to look back at some of his early WrestleMania matches. WrestleMania 9 is widely considered the worst in history and this is a perfect example of the type of “contests” that plagued the card. At the time, Undertaker would generally be paired with larger monsters and “wrestle” matches so formulaic that they would make late eighties Hulk Hogan battles look like unpredictable creative masterpieces.

I wish I could be in the WWF creative machine the day somebody decided to take the talented Taker and face him off against a 7’6” giant wearing a nude bodysuit with strategically placed fur to cover his private parts. Yes, it is as bad as it sounds. The only thing worse than the idea of the The Giant Gonzalez character itself was the execution of this horrific match. Watching these two big men lumber around the ring made Hogan versus Andre the Giant look like Eddie Guerrero versus Rey Mysterio in their prime. The best word I can use to describe viewing this hideous spectacle is breathtaking because it made us wish somebody would put us out of our misery and literally take our breath away.

(8) The Red Rooster versus Bobby “The Brain” Heenan

Legend has it that when Terry Taylor and Curt Hennig came to the WWF in the late eighties, the company was deciding which one of them would be given the Mr. Perfect character. Obviously Hennig made the Perfect gimmick his own and it is hard to imagine anybody that could have played it better, but who could have imagined what laid in store for Taylor. At the time, he was one of the most talented young wrestlers in the world, blessed with handsome looks and loads of potential, so what did they do with him? How about giving him a red Mohawk haircut and have him prance around the ring like a rooster and doing bird calls?

The Red Rooster inevitably comes up whenever there is a discussion of worst wrestling characters of all time and what makes it really sad is that Taylor could have been so much more. When he was introduced to television, he was paired up with Bobby Heenan and the storyline was that The Brain was the overbearing manager that bullied the young rookie. Finally, he snapped on his mentor and it led to this epic struggle fitting of the WrestleMania stage. In less than one minute of grueling “action,” The Rooster got his revenge by pinning his former manager. This was so awful that we were actually relieved to see The Brooklyn Brawler enter the ring and beat down the Rooster, leading to another storied rivalry. As The Red Rooster would say, “Cock-a-doodle-do!”

(7) Akebono versus The Big Show, Sumo Match: WrestleMania 21

Although I am not personally a fan of the enormous giants of the ring, I will admit that there is a place in the wrestling business for stars like The Big Show. Unfortunately, for all of us, somebody dreamed up that the best place for him at WrestleMania would be against an even larger wrestler in a sumo match! Now, I can completely understand that the WWE is constantly looking to increase overseas revenue streams, but did it really have to be at the expense of witnessing one of your top special attractions stumbling around the ring in a diaper? Thankfully, this was short and not so sweet because any longer than a minute of this atrocious aesthetic experience would have been unbearable. It was the year WrestleMania went to Hollywood and this was one dud that should have been left on the cutting room floor. I still remember meeting The Big Show the next day at the hotel and even he appeared to be embarrassed by this debacle. He said it best when he sarcastically stated, “That should do wonders for my Hall of Fame chances.”

(6) “Rowdy” Roddy Piper versus Goldust, Hollywood Backlot Brawl: WrestleMania 12

WrestleMania 21 was not the only one that took place in sunny Southern California. Although WrestleMania 12 took place in Anaheim, which is about an hour drive from the studios, the WWF decided that it would be a great idea to feature a Hollywood Backlot Brawl between Piper and the enigmatic new superstar, Goldust. Dustin Runnels, to his credit, took what appeared to be an awful idea on paper, and made it a very edgy, entertaining character before it became worn out and ridiculous.

Unfortunately, one of Goldust’s most absurd moments took place on the grandest stage. The mid-nineties was a dark age for the WWF, when the company was struggling to find an identity, and this was one match that should have been left in the dark. It was filmed in some parking lot that looked like the setting of a B-movie and was presented in various segments in between the actual matches in the ring. The match was an embarrassment to anybody involved and is something fans should shield from their friends who do not like wrestling because they will be made fun of for life. The low-point, and there are many of them, came when they did a parody of the O.J. Simpson Ford Bronco car chase, although that was nearly “topped” by Piper stripping down Goldust only to reveal his drag queen lingerie underneath. As you can tell from this list, Piper has not exactly been discriminatory, or has been discriminatory depending on how you look at it, in the way he has been presented at Mania.

(5) The Undertaker versus The Big Boss Man, Hell in a Cell: WrestleMania 15

The legendary Hell in a Cell gimmick has showcased some of the most famous matches in wrestling history. When we look back at the storied history of the brutal cage, memories abound of some of the legends of the squared circle. Shawn Michaels. Triple H. Mick Foley. The Undertaker. The Rock. The Big Bossman? Let us stop and think about what name does not belong on that list. When you combine the brand-name of WrestleMania with the myth of the Cell and place one of your greatest performers in the middle of it all, you would think that it would be the makings of a dream match. Instead it became one of the most atrocious spectacles in the history of wrestling.

This was the one Hell in a Cell match in the event’s history and chances are that we will never see another one. The covered cage is supposed to be a setting to settle feuds based on intense personal hatred. Instead, this was randomly thrust together because Taker’s Ministry of Darkness was feuding with The Corporation and they merely needed a Corporate member to represent the stable. The only memorable moment took place after the match, when the Ministry came to the ring and hung Boss Man from the cage. That was symbolic because we are all hanging our heads wondering why they decided to put this horrid match in such a sacred structure. This was so bad that it was left off of the Hell in a Cell DVD, and I’m sure if Undertaker’s streak did not become so celebrated, it would never be mentioned again.

(4) Jake “The Snake” Roberts versus Rick “The Model” Martel, Blindfold Match: WrestleMania 7

Take one of the most intense, psychological performers in wrestling history in Jake the Snake and then take a former world champion in Rick Martel, who was a tremendous athlete, and place them in the ring, and you could have had a very strong undercard contest. Put them in a ridiculous storyline and place blindfolds on each of them and you are left with an epic piece of "wrestlecrap." The plot here was that The Model was a guest on The Snake Pit talkshow and blinded its host with his cologne, appropriately dubbed Arrogance. In the ensuing weeks, Jake wore some outlandish contact lenses, highlighting his “blindness.” The story was just as ludicrous as it sounds, although it paled in comparison to the silly showcase they put forth in the WrestleMania ring.

You would think the WWF would have at least had the dignity to make this end quickly, but instead it was what seemed like hours of painful “action” where the two stumbled around the ring trying to find each other. This was so outrageously horrible that even Sid would wince watching it. Unfortunately, the WWF did not mail the fans some blindfolds as well as a warning before the match because that would be preferable to sitting through this grueling crapterpiece.

(3) Hulk Hogan versus Yokozuna, World Championship Match: WrestleMania 9

Where do I begin with this one? This was a match that was not scheduled to take place and should never have taken place. It was wrestling politics at its absolute worst. The direction of the wrestling business was changing and Bret Hart was rising up the ranks to replace Hogan as the top star of the WWF. Not only did Hogan refuse to lose to The Excellence of Execution and give him the rub that would have truly established him as the main event draw the company needed, he stole his thunder at this crucial junction of his career.

Hart had just lost to the gigantic Yokozuna in what was supposed to be the final match of the card. For some unknown reason, Mr. Fuji issued a challenge on the behalf of his colossal champion to any man in the arena for the coveted belt. Never one to shy away from stealing the spotlight, out came the Hulkster, who in about fifteen seconds defeated Yokozuna, who was mistakenly blinded by Fuji’s ceremonial salt. This was all sorts of awful. First of all, Hart, who had been carefully built to a major attraction over the last year, had to play second fiddle to the older Hogan. Second, Hogan was already a tired act and his Hulkamania routine was not going to catch fire like it had before. Finally, the whole scene was just meaningless and stupid, and did damage to WWF as a whole. It would take nearly a year for Hart to regain his momentum, and the Hulkster would disappear within months without ever putting over who was clearly the best performer in the business at the time. For all of these reasons and more, this remains one of the worst endings in the history of pay-per-view.

(2) Bill Goldberg versus Brock Lesnar with Steve Austin as Special Referee: WrestleMania 20

There are some matches that are awful because the action in the ring is abysmal. There are other battles that are ruined because of backstage politics. Then there are those special occasions where the stars align perfectly and you are left with such an outlandishly horrible scene that the fans take control and become the show itself. This was the prime example of a crowd taking a disastrous match and making it unforgettable. Goldberg versus Lesnar should have been a very good brawl between two larger than life characters with one of the biggest legends in wrestling history as referee only adding to the drama. Even though it was known that Goldberg was leaving soon after the event, the fact that Lesnar was one of the most dynamic performers in wrestling and “The Next Big Thing” in the business made it an anticipated match-up.

This was the match where the power of the internet became firmly established because news had leaked that Brock would be departing after Mania to pursue an NFL career. Somehow, every person in Madison Square Garden that night knew that both competitors would be exiting WWE, and we gave them a goodbye to remember. The match itself was lame and lumbering but it became secondary to the real stars of the show, which was the brutal crowd that booed them out of the building with a series of derogatory, mocking chants. Even Austin was struggling to keep a straight face during the surreal scene before he stunned both men out of the company. This was the antithesis of the Rock versus Hogan match from Wrestlemania 18, with jeers replacing the cheers. Despite the epic badness of the match, it was one of the most bizarrely entertaining encounters you will ever witness.

(1) Triple H versus Randy Orton, World Championship Match: WrestleMania 25

Take away the electric crowd during Goldberg-Lesnar, the campyness of Piper-Goldust, the unintentional comedy of Roberts-Martel, and the thankfully short length of Rooster-Heenan, and you have this clunker of a match that ended WrestleMania 25. There was nothing entertaining or memorable about this seemingly endless borefest. I was one of the unfortunate thousands in the arena that night, and watching this achingly slow contest was the equivalent of looking at paint dry or staring at grass growing.

The story had loads of potential because both are talented wrestlers with plenty of history they could play off of. Instead, they presented us a jumbled mess full of unnecessary twists and turns, home invasions, inconsistencies, and bad acting. Triple H, who was supposed to be the face in the match, was supposed to want revenge because Orton had attacked his wife. Let us put aside the fact that Hunter and Stephanie are some of the most unsympathetic characters in wrestling history. Triple H repeatedly exacted his vengeance on Orton and his Legacy cohorts even before WrestleMania to the point where the match itself was inconsequential.

The only way this contest would have made sense is if it were an all-out brawl with plenty of interference from the characters involved in the central story. It is one of those rare matches that would have actually benefited from chaos, weapons, and run-ins. Instead, an idiotic stipulation where Triple H would lose the title by disqualification ruined any chance of that so we were left with a tedious battle that was so lackluster that the crowd was literally falling asleep in the stadium. It was so wearisome that the WWE actually had to pump in audience noise by moving cameras around the arena attempting to convince people to cheer to no avail.

Despite the uninspired effort of both men, there would have been some solace if the young Orton would have won the match and established his strong heel character. Instead, we received the same dud finale that we have seen countless times with The Game celebrating in the center of the ring, with a dead crowd walking out in frustration. There may have been worst matches, but the fact that Triple H and Orton stunk up the joint in the main event of a special anniversary show make this the worst match in WrestleMania history.

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