By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"We pay our debt sometime"
-"Over Now" by Alice In Chains

It's official. This is the last ABSURD article ever. I'm gonna retire from this crazy business. This is not just a tease. This is the real deal. You won't see a Raw ABSURD article soon. This is it. The end.

After thousands of whiny rants and illogical arguments, it's over. In a short while I'll be joining the Peace Corps, which in itself is just a cover so that I can stalk Bam Neely some more. Oh, Bamy. Space, a restraint order and numberless death threats is what separates us. Help me, I just can't stop making smarmy comments!

Before I get on with talking about the absurdity of the wrestling week, I want to give some shout outs.

I want to thank PWTorch's Assistant Editor James Caldwell to be willing to put up with my nefarious ideas and giving me praise. And for posting all of those damn pictures.

Speaking about that, I also want to say kudos to all of those sites who I googled off pictures from. Thanks. Please don't sue. I'm already being audited.

I also want to give thanks to Wade Keller, who originally came up with the title "The Absurdity Of It All" and gave me encouragement when I started out in this crazy gig.

Also thanks to the pwtorch.com writing staff and contributors. Big ups to Pat McNeil, Sean Radican, Mike DeRosenroll, Greg Parks, Shawn Valentino, Lee Stevens, Richard Garner, Jon Mezzera, Daniel Wilkenfeld, Brian Hoops, Curtis Shanks, Ryan Ragsdale, newcomers Chris Reed, and Hubert O'Hearn and anyone else I might have missed.

I also want to thank Bruce Mitchell for shooting me in the leg with his Glock (inside joke).

I want to thank WWE and TNA together (sorry, ROH) for weekly giving me ammo for the ABSURD articles. Sometimes these things write themselves.

Lastly, I want to thank each and every one for reading these articles and responding. It means a lot to me that I can submit work to pwtorch.com and have some fun with it.

Not that it means much now, but I would like to apologize for my shortcomings. Apologies for my WWE Armageddon 2008 review (in which I opened up the "HBK/Religion" can of worms) and the butt stupid "Triple H's Big Adventure" debacle. Every other mistake can be attributed to drinking booze, sniffing glue, or eating Sour Patch Kids. Or an unholy combination of all three.

If nothing else, I like to thank myself for writing things that made people foam at the mouth and yell things like they want to commit graphic violence against my genitals. You see, I'm raising your heart rate by writing things that make you mad. Making you healthier. So I'm actually doing y'all a favor.

Yes, it's time for me to ride off in the sunset. Whenever Shane McMahon is beating up the top heels in Raw, it will be soaked with absurdity. Whenever TNA throws random crap at the wall in trying to get a response, the winds will whisper "absurdity." We all have a little absurd inside each and everyone of else.

I know that the title hinted I was going to talk about other stuff, but my heart is too heavy. I'm just too sad. It's been fun, y'all.

For a long time I pointed out the absurdity in wrestling, but alas, it was me who was absurd all along. Such cruel fate.

This is it...so long...I'm leaving...good-bye...good-bye...good-bye...

...

...

Okay, so the whole "retirement" was false. Don't feel bad. Odds are you're used to the bait and switch as a wrestling fan.

I'm Shane "The Bigness" McKinley. Y'all can't handle the freshness. I'm like toast, I keep popping up.

After all, I'm still employed by Vinnie Mac to help spread WWE propaganda around. Yes, Mr. McMahon. This Orton-McMahon feud sure is great. The Internet crowd is just mad about their own ignorance for this glorious feud. No, Mr. McMahon. Business is not down. Yes, Mr. McMahon. Your ass looks great.

The whole "retirement" was just a tease. Just like how the whole "Sting will retire at Sacrifice" might turn out to be a tease. Why? Because they can.

I have to say that I'm really jaded against wrestlers retiring. Noted, wrestlers retiring isn't at the same level of boxers retiring (guess who is coming back? Floyd Mayweather. Would be interesting to see his face caved in by Manny Pac).

But all too often it's a slap-dash thing thrown together in order to encourage more PPV buys or to drum up more hype for a match. Sometimes wrestlers don't get the benefit of a grand Ric Flair sendoff. Too often in wrestling the notion of "this might be the last match" is met with laughs and smarky comments.

Here is what we will do if Sting does get pinned at Sacrifice. If Sting doesn't officially retire from TNA by June 28, I will lose the "ABSURD STING RETIREMENT BET" and will have to do something embarrassing. Feel free to send in your own ideas in what the punishment should be. Remember, I will have to show proof in the form of visual evidence, because I could just go, "Yeah, I got my legs shaved. Believe me."

What should it be? Getting a tattoo that screams "Monarch of the Marks?" Dressing up like a girl? Marry an animal? Like a cow? Write Impact reviews for a month that applauds their every move and isn't smarky at all?

You're right. One of those is impossible. Not the "write positive Impact reviews" bit. About marrying a cow. Because duh, I already did that.

What should be the punishment? What should I have to sacrifice if Sting does retire fully from TNA in the next month? It can't be too sick or outlandish. Send in your ideas, thoughts, and usual death threats in the posts. You can also send in your ideas for this bet by email. Title the subject heading "ABSURD STING RETIREMENT BET" or something around those lines. If this bet gets enough responses, I will go with it.

Now on to recapping the absurdity in wrestling this week. Onto ECW and Superstars recap. My boy Jack Swaggah called Tommy Dreamer the Fatty Dreamer. He's gonna drop that fat boy. And maybe at One Night Stand Dreamer will bust out the barbwire. Right (credit to pwmania.com for pic).

Will WWE go with Dreamer vs. Swaggah at ONS? Will WWE resist the urge to have Batista vs. Orton inside a steel cage at ONS? (All together now...the old WWE cliche..."what is Orton going to do locked inside a cage with the animal? Huh? Huh?") Will the only blood that will be shed is when Josh Matthews gets a random nosebleed again? Stay tuned.

Come to think of it, the title "One Night Stand" is a bit too edgy for WWE's PG audience. They'll probably rename it "Some Coffee, Poring over Scrapbooks, and Establishing a Deep, Long Trusting Friendship." Hella a long title though. How about "CuddleTime?" Let's go with that. One Night Stand is now renamed "CuddleTime." Eat it up, you snugglebunnies.

Zach Ryder, who was one half of the WWE tag champs at one point, has a new gimmick. He's vain about his hair. He's got a purple headband. And that's about it.

What's odd is that Ryder, the "obnoxious guy at the movie theatre" (much like how jobber Gavin Spears was a card-player), is vain about his short, crew-cut hair. I'm in the league of "Guys Who Think Their Hair Is Awe Inspiring." We've got long, flowing locks.

I hope it does work out for the 1980s reject. What I wouldn't give for a psychotic wrestler who believed he was still living in the 1980s. Kids would run from the sight of him. Maybe I'm just tired of cardboard cutouts.

A sweaty, hairy refuge from the '70s who wants me to touch his white towel? No thanks either.

I remember reading about Charlie Haas realizing that it can't just be all about "wrestling wrestling wrestling." You need to get over with the fans. Thus wrestlers have gimmicks. In watching his match with JoMo on Smack, The Haas still can't get the crowd involved.

Hell, Simon Dean even got a segway (credit to upload.wikimedia.org for pic).

ECW is a solid show. If you asked me what show WWE should put on Wednesday nights, the first answer would be "none." The second answer would be a show devoted to old highlights of the glory years.

Superstars? Yeah. So far there's one match to tune in for. Other than that, the rest is serviceable, but not interesting.

If your friends chide you for watching wrestling, you can remind them that baseball has its share of steroid users and that basketball games have been shown to be rigged. The Dodgers's Manny Ramirez got caught using a women's fertility drug. Guess he just want to feel like a natural woman.

What I wouldn't give for a sports star to go up to the mic, say, "I DID IT TO GET PAIDDDDDDUHhhhhhhh. Deal with it..." and leave. Maybe that's the lessons sport stars are teaching children. Hey, if you're not cheating the system, you're not trying. Screw everyone else who plays by the rules. They can remain chumps while you can live it up in your mansion thanks to your big fat new contract.

WWE's drug-testing? D.H. Smith. From the fans standpoint I have no damn idea if the thing is legit or is truly worth boasting about.

Onto Impact. Big ups if Taz is going to be the manager of Joe. Get Joe a fashion designer (maybe Joe can be on that show "What Not To Wear") and everything's gravy.

-- Kong vs. jobbers = failure, because fans feel some sympathy for jobbers
-- Kong vs. Beautiful people = success, because fans feel hatred for those biatches

Impact, compared to the rest of WWE programming throughout the week, strives to be fresh. Does the show always work? Eh, no. I would like to see if they can "dumb it down a bit" (meaning that the show isn't so crammed that watching it feels exhausting).

Onto Smackdown. Three in a row. That phrase came to mind with face with the possibility of Jericho vs. Mysterio at J-Day for the IC title. Three PPVs in a row where a Jericho mid-card match is worth checking out, mainly thanks to Y2J himself.

I wonder if John Morrison has ever eaten a cheeseburger in his life. Every time JoMo looks at himself in the mirror without his shirt on, he must go, "Damn, I'm looking good." Every time I look at myself in the mirror without my shirt on, I go, "Damn, I wonder what cup size I'm at now."

I wonder how mother's day went for Umaga.

-- Umaga: KULLALJLAH! HAPPAH YUGHOW ZOW!
-- Umaga's Mommy: TUPPAWERE! ZAPPA! GABBAGABBAGEY!

Or Khali...

-- Khali: BAH! (Happy Mother's Day!)
-- Khali's Mom: BAH! (Why did you try to kiss a man dressed in drag?)

Weird thing about Umaga is that he has what it takes but WWE is too content in having him play the roving monster.

Yep, Punk got to face Umaga. Face it, Punk was getting lost in the shuffle on Raw. He has a better shot on Smack. (credit to dave-batista.net for pic).

WWE sure love them some arm-wrestling. I have no idea why. It's about as cheesy as their "the whole world is gonna end" video recaps.

Sounds weird, but Dolph Ziggler reminds me a lot of Kurt Russell. Not that I have a scrapbook of KR or anything. Of course not.

Well, that about wraps it up. Hope everyone had a nice mother's day. Take a tip from me. If you want to impress the woman who gave you life, don't buy her gas station doughnuts.

But no seriously, this is my last ABSURD article. Would I lie to you?

I really mean it this time...so long...I'm leaving...good-bye...good-bye...good-bye...

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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