By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Hear me tell you people, just before I go
These hard times will kill you just dry long so
Well, you hear me singin' my lonesome song
These hard times can last us so very long
If I ever get off this killin' floor
I'll never get down this low no more
No-no, no-no, I'll never get down this low no more"

-"Hard Time Killing Floor Blues" by Chris Thomas

Raw opens up with a video package. Cheerful music is playing as Rhodes, Orton, and DiBiase are getting out of their cozy tri-bunk bed. Team ROD is ready to the start the day.

Until...

DAH DAH DUM!

Oh no! Orton has run out of Old Spice Body Spray!

Orton: Game over, man! Game over!

Rhodes is in the corner crying and rocking to himself.

DiBiase: Get a hold of yourself damnit! We'll just go to Long Drugs and get some more!

They all head out with wearing only their underwear and, of course, slathered in baby oil.

Then Raw teases the whole "Will Team ROD make it to Long Drugs?" bit for the entire show.

The show ends with Team ROD meeting Shane McMahon and having their asses kicked in the parking lot.

As stupid as that premise might be, read this: "Countdown to Judgment Day. Batista Stalks Orton." That was the TV description for Monday Night Raw.

Orton and company head out to the ring. Orton talks about how the entire WWE Universe is filled with cowards. He takes chances. He takes risks. He smokes cigarettes. Baby oil is toxic to your skin. And Trips is waiting to squash him back down.

You know, it would be something if there was an actual threat of punishment to the character of Orton. Let's say that an employee injures top stars and management. Gone, right? Punished, right? Not so in the WWE universe. It's just business as usual.

"The McMahons pride themselves in listening to the WWE audience." Okay, WWE. I'll make this perfectly clear. Raw is the second worst wrestling show of the week behind Superstars. Just like last year around this time, Raw is taking a nosedive.

Orton goes on some more lambasting the audience. "You don't fight back. You sit there and you take it." Okay, male model. Let's recap Orton's PPV matches in 2009, shall we?

-- Royal Rumble: After being the Rumble winner, was owned by Shane McMahon the next night
-- No Way Out: Shane took him to the very limit; begged and pleaded for mercy at one point
-- WrestleMania 25: Wrestled in a stinker with Trips, got embarrassed at the very end
-- Backlash: Wrestled in some confusing six-man doo-hickey

You don't see a match here that truly signified that Orton is now the main man. The Shane McMahon program didn't help.

Video package of Orton punting the Dalai Lama in the skull.

Then a video package of when those steel steps sorta-kinda-not really made contact with Shane's ankle. I don't really have a problem with the shoddy job of the steel steps-injury bit. I do have a problem with how Shane sold the thing. Gee, Shane. Your ankle just snapped. That trooper sold it like when his Mom told him that they didn't have Strawberry Pop-Tarts at the grocery store. "But mom! I wanted Strawberry, not cherry! Go back and get me the right kind! Wah!"

After the video package is over, the crowd is booing. Not because Orton injured Shane, but because they had to relive that painful night. Orton says that there is a no physical contact rule in place by GM Vickie.

"Just because we can't touch doesn't mean we can't talk," says Orton.

(insert your own smarky comment here).

But damnit, sometimes Batista wants to be touched. And here he comes. Okay, boys. Time to hit a home run.

Crowd sign: "DAVE SMASH"

Another crowd sign: "Batista = Animal." Not once, but twice.

And hey, it's that couple sitting in the front row! The ones who wear the bright and tacky windbreakers. The bald guy! Oh yeah. (Check out WM 23. You can't miss them).

Orton says that Batista should join legacy. Yeah, that would be nice. But instead we've got Orton vs. The McMahons. Too bad. So whaddya say, Dave? Want to join Legacy?

After pondering a bit, big bad Dave goes, "I choo-choo-choose you!" Dave sometimes reminds me of a pissed off Ralph Wiggum sometimes.

Actually, Dave doesn't choo-choo-choose to join Orton. Dave doesn't want to join Team ROD. Says to Orton, "I loathe you!" Ok, Dave. Why? Dave doesn't answer us. Instead he gives off a bizarre "heh heh heh heh heh."

Here comes Vickie to break everything up. Darn it, she doesn't like to be called predictable. Ms. Vince Russo says that it's going to be Batista vs. Cody & Ted right now. And just like last week, it matters who wins. Win and you're in. So you better stay tuned.

Running teases sometimes bother me because often they are to hide the fact that the main event sucks and the show itself is shoddy.

In case you've been living under a rock, that's how they build for an Orton PPV match. Wrestler X first faces Cody Rhodes. Then Ted DiBiase. Then the both of them. Then DiBiase and Rhodes spray the wrestler down with baby oil and laugh their evil heels laughs.

I'm surprised Vickie didn't plead the viewers to not change the channel. Teases shouldn't always be blatantly blunt.

We joke around that Raw is going after the tykes in their programming. Damned if they are not targeting the toddler market now.

The problem with over-arching storylines (as in this Orton-McMahon storyline) is that sometimes the current one gets overshadowed.

Right move in portraying Batista as a pissed off monster. I still don't care about their match because their last PPV match was sad.

It's Dave vs. the male models. They work on Dave's legs. Cole gets to bring out "that takes away the power game for Batista." Sigh. Maybe they should advertise that Cole will be put through a table, live on PPV. Just once. "That takes away your announcing game for you, Cole."

Dave gets DQ'ed for holding a chair.

J-Day hype for Jeff vs. Edge. Narrator guy talks about Edge: "Jeff must beat the man who is obsessively gripping his wiener...uh, I mean, championship belt." I recall the previous J-Day hype commercials, which were basically this:

"You know the shocking moments that happened in some of our previous PPVs? Well they might happen again. Or not. Pay. Us. Now."

Another divas match. Here is what you need to know about the women's matches.

--Kelly did a pointless back flip from a charging Jillian.
--Then Kelly did a kick that did not connect one iota.
--Naturally, Jillian sold it like she got speared from Dick Butkus.
--Announcers were happily plugging WWE junk as Kelly was screaming in pain. Weird.
--At one point, Kelly and Jillian stood apart from each other.
--Both just stood there.
--A fan yawned.
--Kelly then grabbed the middle rope.
--Jillian pondered this.
--Pondered some more.
--Jillian then charged over the middle rope because she likes to fall outside the ring.
--Fell out of the ring.

Sad.

Uh oh. Looks like the animal is stalking some male models. Orton shoves the cameraman away. Nice. I was getting tired of heels acting gentle around WWE cronies.

They recap Cena going boom. That Edge vs. Cena last man standing match was more silly than brutal.

Chavo tells Vickie that Cena might be milking his injuries. There's going to be an exhibitionist match between Cena and The Miz. Both will have to strip and strut their stuff until Aunt Vickie tells them to stop. Oh, I mean, exhibition match.

Cole and Lawler are in the ring. Cole: "The whole world is talking about Judgment Day." Right. They are apparently shilling the PPV from the ring to cover up the lack of crowd reaction.

Watch as Cena does the impossible and lift Show on his shoulders. They've only gone to that trick 200 times before.

Some bad editing here. When Lawler was stressing the phrase "7,000 watt search light," the camera cut to a fan holding two belts. Wha?

Favorite part is when they were shilling Jeff vs. Edge, and they cutaway to the crowd. A sea of blank faces. One kid was clapping. You should have been there.

I got to imagine that Ted DiBiase felt like an idiot when he had to lie down and fake like he was injured from the rampaging Batista. Oh, I'm sorry. Wrestling is staged. Santa Claus isn't real. The Easter Bunny did not die for your sins. And MVP is a chump as a face. Sorry.

A Kennedy video package. They really had no content for this show. Why must the first hour of Raws suck so much?

It's Carlito vs. The Brian Kendrick. Judgment Day is brought to you by Terminator: Salvation - The Video Game. Pre-order now and get a bonus. Don't wait for any reviews, dummies. Do it now.

Kendrick and Carlito wrestle while Lawler and Cole pump up DiBiase getting dramatically injured. Spanky gets the win. "I'm going to find the partner. I will once again be one half of the tag team championsssssssshhhhh."

Tag teams in WWE? DiBiase & Rhodes. Carlito & Primo. And...that's about it. Live long and prosper, Kendrick. Maybe in the next month you'll get ten minutes of air time. They're just wasting time until DiBiase & Rhodes vs. Carlito & Primo.

Big Show comes out, urging fans to not change the channel. He's going to be sitting at ringside during the Miz vs. Cena match.

Miz kicks a dead horse in making fun of Cena for his lame rap album and his lame movies. "Because I'm the Miz and I'm awesome!" I've used that line on my job applications. "Because I'm Shane McKinley and I'm awesome! Now pay me!"

Miz tries to soak up as much rub as he can from wrestling Cena. Cena then hits his crappy move set that makes me groan every time (shoulder tackle-shoulder tackle-back suplex - dance move - five knuckle shuffle). Vickie comes up on the big screen. "The match is over. You have no chance against the Big Show."

Miz leaves 3-0. Show continues starring at Cena. Nice work if you can get it.

The surviving members of Legacy, Orton and Rhodes, conduct their secret plan to take out Dave that is being broadcast on live television.

We come back to Vickie and Chavo in Vic's office. Hey, it's Santina. Vickie calls Rosa and Beth, who were just on hand waiting in her office. To prove that Santina is a man, Vickie orders Santina to kiss Rosa.

Santina kisses Rosa. Likes it a lot.

"You see? That proves it. You're a man."

I guess the WWE hasn't heard of someone being bisexual.

Oh no. Don't go there. Please. Santina says, "I'm a... how do you say..."

Meanwhile I'm rubbing my lucky rabbit's foot, praying and hoping that he doesn't say that word. He doesn't say..."a lesbian." Urgh. I don't think I can make it to work tomorrow.

Cole and Lawler sure sold it like it was the funniest crap in the entire world. This is what viewers came back to after that Santina bit.



You see, McMahons, you don't have to listen to fans. You just have to look at their faces.

Oh, there's no time for canned laughter. It's time...heh...to get serious with Rhodes getting to live out his Zelda fantasy. He's in a dark cave, holding the legendary Master Sword and ready to slay the dragon. Or more like he's by some crates, holding a wimpy metal rod, and he's going to get his ass kicked.

WWE gets to do its horror movie camera work. Gasp, it was Horny in that room all along. Look out behind you! It's Dave. Uh-oh. Looks like Dave is taking young Cody to the woodshed. There's no escape for you, Cody.

Dave locks the door behind him.

(insert your own dirty sexual joke here.)

I mean, I don't recall Link getting kidnapped and forced to have sex with Gannondorf in the video game.

WWE doesn't want kids to try this at home. I have no idea why they pulled off these types of messages off the first time. I think they can spare a minute to tell kids not to piledrive their brother.

Back to Cole and Lawler hyping up the "Batista takes down another member of Legacy" like it was a shocker from a Jeffery Deaver thriller.

Give credit to WWE. At least Santina's wig stays on.

With this whole Santina thing it's not "laughing with the WWE," it's more of a "laughing at the WWE." It's like when you get drunk and you think you're the funniest person in the room...until later you realize that you made an ass out of yourself. That's the whole Santina bit. There's some enjoyment in Santina somewhat mocking the divas (shilly screaming, useless backflips, horrible wrestling), but it's not the finest hour for WWE.

Josh Matthews wants to get Cena's thoughts about his match with Big Show. Cena replies that he's just an everyman and he's going through some hard, hard times. Lose your job? Lose your house? Lose your dignity, your respect? Why, no man. I've got thrown through a 7,000 watt light bulb.

You got thrown through a searchlight. Don't try to relate that to hard times. Cena: "How does that make me different from everybody else?" I don't know, John. Maybe it's the fact that there aren't too many cases of people falling through 7,000 watt searchlights.

When they talk about them hard, hard times, they'll talk about the menace of search lights. It's a big time problem. Man, if you ever fell through a search light, you knew what hard times was all about. That's what many people worried about during the Great Depression. Falling through a 7,000 watt search light.



"I just can't help but worry about those people who have fallen through searchlights. I've got nothing to eat and my children are starving, but I can't imagine the hardship they must be going through."



"We ain't got it rough. Those horrible searchlights. I hate them!"



Yes, everybody faced the terrible problem of falling through searchlights. Hard, hard times.

Even nowadays, the problem of people falling through searchlights has not faded.





President Obama: "I promise you this. There will come a time when the threat of searchlights will be over. I urge every American to combat this problem. I do believe that one day people will stop falling through searchlights. In closing let me remind you of one person. John Cena. He was thrown into a 7,000 watt search light. It had a big, pretty explosion so you know it had to hurt. To Mr. Cena, I feel your pain. Truly you have experienced hardship like none other. To the Chicago couple who are getting kicked out of their home, to the California father who wishes to sell his home but would lose a great deal of money if he did so, to all of those who have lost their jobs due to downsizing, I urge you to sell all of your possessions and buy WWE Judgment Day this Sunday in order to feel hope in one John Cena. Godspeed, John Cena. We shall adapt and overcome. Yes we can, America. Yes we can."

I felt like there should have been an American flag in the background. Cena goes on: "This arena is filled! Filled with gullible people! Who are all too happy to give up their money for a shoddy product! We started out Raw with Orton telling the audience that they live their pathetic lives through him! He got booed! I'm an everyman! I can relate! I'm struggling! You can live out your pathetic lives through me! Yay!"

It gets worse. "People have shown that no matter what, they will adapt and overcome." Geez, John. The world is not being taken over by aliens. You're not in that Terminator movie. Captain America says that he is gonna win.

Josh Matthews: "...All I wanted was a simple response. Who knew that he would save America." (wipes away a tear)

Hey Cena, I've got the runs!

You will adapt and overcome!

MVP comes out. I'm falling asleep here, playmaker. Keep me awake.

MVP then launches into his promo. Brutal. MVP as heel was great. As face, it's just comical. It's like I'm hearing Queen Latifah do promos, but with the added benefit of a crappy, desperate, and pathetic crowd-pleasing catchphrase every 20 seconds. "blah blah blah straight up balling! Blah blah blah big things popping, little things stopping! Blah blah blah Sing-along time, monkeys!" Sad.

Can I have some Layla arm-wrestling instead?

Regal comes out and talks about how MVP stole his job. Raw has turned into a British House of Commons drama show on BBC. Regal is mad that MVP set Regal up to be suspended last year by switching his urine.

But if I do cheer for Regal, in a sense I will be hating America. And I love America. But do I have to cheer for a clown like MVP? Guess so.

Matt Hardy and Kofi come out. Turns out there is gonna be a match with all four dudes.

Did like Lawler feeling sorry for Matt's broken hand. He even made fun of Cole.

Batista goes nuts and destroys Orton. Too much to ask that both men wage a war at J-Day and that Orton gets that convincing PPV win that cements him as top dog. Probably a ticky-tack ending to further this feud along.

Tonight was bad. Future potential for wrestlers (Miz, MVP, Kendrick) alone does not make a good show.

The "Absurd Sting Retirement Bet" is still on. Feel free to post or send in your ideas in what the punishment should take place for me if Sting retires officially from TNA by June 28.

RAW'S FINAL VERDICT: It's So Absurd It Makes Me Want To Cry

(Pics credit to nndb.com, mopupduty.com, weblogs.cltv.com, bnp.org.uk, library.state.ak.us, geocities.com, skytrackerdenver.com, uwsp.edu, and media.washingtonpost.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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