By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Blame it on the web
But the spider's your problem now"

-"Blame It On The Tetons" by Modest Mouse

PWTORCH.com regrets to inform you that the original author of "The Absurdity Of It All," one deranged Shane McKinley, has been sent for re-education by the WWE overlords.

For this article, we have some special contributors who will be chiming in their thoughts. Which are in no way shape or form are meant to be wacky.

Mike Tenay: Welcome to another edition of "The Absurdity Of It All." I'm your announcer for this evening. You know, I've always wondered what the ABSURD court jester is hiding behind his back. This gossip is huge backstage!

Don West. Burrp. What kind of place is this? This smells like one of those mark wrestling websites. I'm your, uh, commentator or something. I'll be randomly chiming in with random heel quips that I'm reading from a list. I can't dress myself.

TNA Ted: Whooo! Yeah! TNA baby! Let's do it!

WWE Wilbur: Yay! Watching WWE is so fun! In a little while I have to take a nap or my mom gets angry. That transformers movie looks so cool!

Jerry Lawler: Hey, Cole. Why was number ten scared?

Michael Cole: Oh boy! Why was number ten scared? You just gotta tell me.

Lawler: Because...ha ha...7 8 9! Ha ha ha!

Cole: Ho ho ho!

Lawler: Hee hee hee!

Smarky Sam: I swear, Chris Jericho is the only reason for checking out Budget Day. They're limping to Summerslam with the returning Undertaker. Wah.

WWE Champion Randy Orton: Hello, gang. I'm the future of WWE. It sure is swell to be here. I'm not kissing anyone's butt. I swear!

WWE Wilbur: I guess I'll go first. I got the TV to watch ECW, but after the show my Mom takes over and watches Dancing With The Stars and American Idol.

West: Oh, uh, #24, "Anything it takes to win. You got to make it in the business."

Tenay: Don West, something earth-shattering was just spoken into my ear about the ABSURD court jester. Whose side is he on? Who has his back? And what's behind his back? Instead of telling you all right now, I'm going to tease you and make you wait.

TNA Ted: Yeah, I checked out ECW, even though WWE sucks balls. We all know where the new ECW is at. TNA, baby! Yeah! So anyways, this fine-ass chick Ms. T tells that idiot Christian and dumbass Swaggah that's they can't touch each other.

Smarky Sam: Does that rule apply for after the show too? BURN! Yeah! I feel better now.

Orton: Tiffany, who I think does a great job in her role in the WWE universe, said that there will be consequences if Captain Charisma and the second coming of Kurt Angle touch each other.

WWE Wilbur: My turn! It's that bully, Mark Henry. He's going to fight Tommy Dreamer! Yay! I hope Dreamer wins this one!

TNA Ted: I hope I don't hit my head on the coffee table when I fall asleep from boredom. Where's my beer?

Lawler: Hey Cole, what's brown and sticky?

Smarky Sam: (spits out his water) WHA?

Cole: What's brown and sticky? Hmm. I don't know, King. What's brown and sticky?

Lawler: A stick!

Cole: Yuk yuk yuk! That's so funny!

Lawler: A stick! Ha ha ha! I can't stop laughing!

Smarky Sam: Uh, anyways, Sexual Chocolate falls on top of Fatty Dreamer and gets the three count. MAXIMUM BURN! Or something. I was too wrapped up with my own ego to bother watching the match. I'm gonna give myself a hug. Duke Nukem Forever is never going to come out! Wah!

WWE Wilbur: Come on! What is wrong with the ref? Can't you guys count to three? Oooh, Jeff Hardy armbands!

Tenay: As we can see here, the WWE universe can be an awful boring place to live in. Cross the line! What's the court jester hiding behind his back? We've got to know, damn it!

West: ...uh...let's see here...# 31..."You know, I don't get this guy. The fans may cheer for him, but I don't."

Orton: Finlay vs. Tyson Kidd was great. Lots of long, deep, sensual submission holds. The kind I like.

TNA Ted: This match went on way too long. It should have been, like, 30 seconds, top. TNA rules!

WWE Wilbur: Tyson Kidd is mean. After the match, a big dude with big muscles came in and beat up Finlay. That's not fair! I don't like those guys!

Orton: Actually for a minute there I thought D.J. Gabriel came in. He should join Legacy. He's Legacy material.

Smarky Sam: Hey look, another cheap knock off from the glory years (cough, cough) of the WWE. Kidd and freaking D.H. "Useless WWE Wellness Policy" Smith comes in. We must form a circle around Bret Hart and protect him from all criticism.

West: #54: "That makes me sick to my stomach. He's just showing off to the fans here".

Lawler: Oh, poor Finlay. Hey, what's Irish and stays out all night?

Cole: I know this one! The answer is "Paddy 'O Furniture!" Bwah ha ha ha!

Tenay: Okay, TNA faithful. You are privileged enough to hear this juicy gossip. Have you ever wondered what that Absurd Court Jester is holding behind his back? What could it be? We need to know!

West: Uh, shouldn't we be teasing some sort of main event or something?

Tenay: Quiet you. Lashley! Lashley! Lashley!

Smarky Sam: Zach Ryder is talking to GM Tiffany. Seems that Ryder isn't wrestling on the show (big surprise there) and he wants to out to the gym to work out. It was like Ryder was 15 years old and working a summer job at Baskin Robbins. "Can I just go? Please? I don't even want to be here". Whoo whoo whoo? No no no. TOTAL BURN!

TNA Ted: I thought that WWE tool just wanted to get out so that he could play some more Rock Band. That would be sweet if Foley and Jarrett had a PPV Rock Band duel. Yeah! WWE wouldn't do that. Because they are lame! Whoo!

Orton: Paul Burchill and his sister ... Katie? ... they were talking about "don't get Paul angry. You wouldn't like Paul when he's angry." Then Kozlov came out and squashed some dude. WWE entertainment. It's astounding.

WWE Wilbur: I didn't watch it, because it was boring. I fast-forwarded through it.

Orton: Gasp! You fast-forwarded through it? How could you? You missed out crucial information that Burchill gave! You missed out on the utter dominance of the Moscow Mauler! I don't think you're doing a very good job of proving your WWE fan hood!

WWE Wilbur: I'm sorry, Mr. Orton. Um, I love WWE! I subscribe to WWE Mag For Kidz! It's really cool and got really lots of neat pictures! I really liked when you fought with Shane! I like it when he dances and punches!

Orton: Perfect.

Smarky Sam: I vant competition. I vant to stay avake. SUPER BURN!

Tenay: I just can't stop worrying about what that court jester is hiding behind his back? What could it be? I can't stand the tension!

TNA Ted: ECW ended with traitor Christian making fun of Swaggah for his lisp. That's not funny. Cody Deaner, now that sumabitch is funny.

WWE Wilbur: You said a bad word.

Cole: Let's move onto Superstars. Expect everything, ladies and gentlemen.

Smarky Sam: You mean expect one good match, two duds, a wrestler video package and a Raw Video Recap? Shouldn't you be watching The View? BURN BURN!

Orton: It's Rey Mysterio vs. The Golden One Shelton Benjamin. All hail the WWE overlords. Huzzah.

WWE Wilbur: I liked it how John Morrison made fun of Benjamin, saying that he was crying out for attention and was socially awkward in the back. And that his haircut is lame. Morrison is so cool for saying things like that. He's a good guy. I also like it when John Morrison does "The Flying Chuck".

Smarky Sam: You mean the flying c--k.

WWE Wilbur: No, it's called the Flying Chuck. You don't know what you're talking about.

Smarky Sam: (whimpers). It's true! It's true! I'm just bitter about everything!

Orton: There, there, Smarky Sam. It's ok. Hey, you want to come with me to go see "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past?"

Smarky Sam: Uh, no.

Cole: I thought Morrison did a good job of throwing out meaningless, soulless clichés when talking about Benjamin. JoMo talking about Benjamin: "He mastered his craft." Poetry.

West: #44...Hey, if the ref didn't see it, it's perfectly legal!

Tenay: Damn it! What's behind the court jester's back? The fans need to know! If we don't find out soon, I'm going to...keep on teasing it.

Smarky Sam: I liked it how when Mysterio hurt his knee for real, none of the announcers called it. As soon as these guys get a hangnail, those WWE stupid robotic announcers go on a rampage talking about how he's injured. I wonder about the mental health of the WWE announcers.

Lawler: When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway! BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!

TNA Ted: Yeah, you'll never catch me watching Superstars. The main event tease is Big Show vs. Hornswoggle. What kind of boring crap is that? They should be teasing footage from a DVD. It's magical.

WWE Wilbur: I liked the commercial for WWE Kidz magazine. It had lots of pretty pictures. Ha ha, Kane is dressed up like Sherlock Homes! I want to read that "SEWWWWWPERSTARS" bit where wrestlers tell you what grosses them out. Evan Bourne doesn't like cat vomit! Cena doesn't like puke! Big Show doesn't like people who pick their nose and eat it! Gross!

Smarky Sam: Here comes Christian, playing the role of ECW Champion Matt Hardy circa 2008, facing off against Mark Henry. I already hate it and the match hasn't even started. UBER BURN!

WWE Wilbur: I liked it when Henry failed the butt slam. He never lands that move!

Orton: You know, that Big Show vs. Hornswoggle got screwed. It screwed over the fans. Hornswoggle should have thrown tennis balls or squirted water at Big Show. Mysterio vs. Benjamin screwed them. They never had a chance.

TNA Ted: You won't catch me cheering for Cena. Yeah, he's an everyman. An everyman wearing designer jean shorts. He should have a cape with his Superman outfit. WWE losers.

Tenay: I just like to point out that the reject Goldust tries to make a name for himself down in WWE. Black Reign vs. Kaz was special. Oh yeah. Tease what's behind Absurd court jester's back blah blah blah.

Cole: You know, we've got to think of a name for Show's move. It has to be as lukewarm and tame as possible.

Smarky Sam: Since Show likes to have sex with Vickie, how about "The Donkey Punch?"

Lawler: What the heck is a "Donkey Punch?" And what's this darn "Office" show everybody keeps talking about?

Cole: Hey King, What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? "Thanks, I'll never part with it!"

Lawler: BWAH HA HA HA HA...cough cough...can't breathe...so...funny...my face hurts from laughing so much...

WWE Wilbur: I like to watch Impact. It's funny and weird. Sometimes there's too much blood and swearing, so my Mom has to turn off the television. But I like all of the lasers.

TNA Ted: Sacrifice is going be huge. Freakin huge.

Smarky Sam: Would be nice if they actually explained what's to keep Kurt Angle from getting back his "Godfather" job if he gets pinned at the PPV. Wrestlers are all too busy making crappy movies. ULTIMATE BURN!

Anyways, five minutes into Impact and it's already a mess. Something about Jeff Jarrett not showing up? Gee, I wonder who is going to show up.

Foley's promo made zero sense. The main tease is the DVD? What the duck? It better be a porno or blood flying everywhere. I also liked it how Foley said "I will be privileged" to see such footage. How about you stop lying to me and treating me like I'm a freakin' idiot? I know everything! I'm a smart wrestling fan! I'm the alpha and omega of wrestling fans! Main event tease? Nope.

TNA Ted: I really liked the opening. Impact is like going to a Butthole Surfers concert. There's going to be some weird crap going on. Sure, the music sucks and in a sense they're ripping you off, but it's better to separate yourself from those corporate rock whores. Like WWE.

Sure, they could take the time to learn how to play the instruments, but I'm happy with them being wacky!

WWE Wilbur: I liked it how Steiner made a funny about the Lion King. I can't wait for Pixar's "Up"! Could Suicide and the Guns fight each other for a Nintendo DS? That would be cool.

Tenay: I got to tell you, this Jenna-Sharmell feud is really heating up! It's at a boiling point! And what's behind that court jester's back? Keep reading to find out! We assume that every wrestling fan has the brain the size of a peanut! Check out our website!

Smarky Sam: I mean, opening up with Foley teasing ultra-special footage from a DVD...if that works for you, great. Me, I need something more than important footage from an "important" DVD.

WWE Wilbur: They also talked about "the incident" down in Tennessee. Sorry if I can't read your minds, TNA. What "incident" are you talking about? Turns out it was some stalker footage from crazy Foley. He's nuts.

Randy Orton: The point of the show in where I zoned out is when Foley wanted to know the secret to the bug eyes bit Jeremy Borash does. Then for some reason they started to talk about Three's Company...and then my brain started to melt. I guess they're going to show footage from Three's Company: Season One DVD. I have the entire collection. Come and knock my door doo doo doo doo doo...

I'm hearing that the hardcore wrestling fan didn't like how I had to sell for SuperShane. Tough. Suspend your disbelief, no matter how shoddy the illusion is.

It's not like their opinion matters anyway.

Would like to take this opportunity to say that Shane's one tough son of a bitch. This is what they originally had planned for WrestleMania. I asked one Shane McKinley to create what would happen if Shane McMahon faced me at WrestleMania. He replied back with this computer simulation and let me tell you, I'm perfectly fine in how I was portrayed. Heck, I think I got in too much offense, if you ask me. Stone Cold even makes an appearance. Take a peek at it. It will blow your socks off. And at the end, you will know who the true champion is.



TNA Ted: Oh yeah, that TNA hater McKinley wanted me to tell you that the "Absurd Sting Retirement Bet" is still on. Thanks to those who have sent in ideas. Feel free to post or send in your ideas in what the punishment should take place for me if Sting retires officially from TNA by June 28.

Tenay: Okay, folks! This is where we find out what's behind the court jester's back? What is he holding? A bat? A briefcase full of money? The secrets to world peace? A script to the pilot of "Three's Company"? Well I know the answer, and I'm going to tell you! The court jester is holding...

Oh, we're out of time.

(Pics credit to costaricapages.com, filmdope.com, pwnewsnow.com, and jefflawlor.com for pics

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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