By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"Don't cha say it's crazy
You don't know a thing
Just wait until we're goin down in flames
We are, we are the saints
We signed our life away
Doesn't matter what you think
We're gonna do it anyway"
-"Saints Of Los Angeles" by Motley Crue

The wrestling month of May has been hijacked by stupidity and sleaziness.

I'm sick of it.

You know Vince and company are burning the midnight oil to find as
many ways possible to get a Raw clip on Sportscenter. Drinking coffee, doing meth, anything to stay awake to find as many quips the announcers can do about the evil Denver Nuggets organization.

WWE was lucky enough to get a 15-second clip when "Barack Obama" (with his Vulcan ears) fought a strangely ugly Hilliary.

We all know why WWE is doing this. Business is down. "Judgment Day + Weapons" looks to be a stinker. The biggest feud in WWE right now is a hammy one conducted by Vince and his arch-rival, the man he never met before. So let's bring in some new people who have heard what Mr. McMadman has been saying about the Denver Nuggets.

It's not like Raw was doing so hot after the draft anyways. The
biggest thing out of Raw recently is the pushing of Miz and more
forced canned laughter.

Anyone else get this feeling that Raw will be nothing but a bad joke played out for two hours? Yeah, I get that feeling too.

Orton vs. Batista. Cena vs. Show. Did you find yourself falling asleep there when reading that?

It's understandable that Vince and his boys will turn Raw into a glorified crapfest, filled with Lakers cheering and whatnot. I am going to record both shows on DVR, but if I had to make a choice, it would be Lakers vs. Nuggets. It's no comparison. There's no "show that you support WWE and don't watch the basketball game" propaganda WWE spinsters spewed out.

There's hot, exciting down-to-the-last shot playoff basketball and then there's some wrasslin' show that I look forward to watch with as much zest as watching a re-run of Spongebob Squarepants. Okay, that's a bit unfair. Squarepants is actually funny. We'll go with "Krod Mandoon And The Flaming Swoard Of Fire."

The thing that really bothered me about this is that in typical WWE
fashion, it went overboard. I was fine and dandy with sport shows
talking about WWE vs. NBA. Free publicity. And certainly I have
swallowed worse Vince ideas, say a McMahon Money Mania or McMahon McBlownUp Misery angles. WWE was built on scamming people out of their money.

We will falsely advertise, do the bait and switch, rewrite our own history...the list of the sleazy aspects of wrestling companies is well known. So needless to say I don't feel sorry. You got kicked out. Deal with it. The world is not against you. There is not some conspiracy, some evil organization stopping you to committ more cross-dressing humor.

What did it in for me was the smear campaign they ran on Superstars. Do they honestly think that I would have any sympathy for WWE? Of course they are going to move it to Los Angeles. It's a way to get even more attention. Sorry, Denver. Your team is about to be mocked as stupid heels. Sorry about the tickets your kids bought, buttercup. Them the breaks.

I can understand for the WWE "getting thrown out on it's ear." But as a wrestling fan the whole "NBA debacle" was embarrassing.

Wrestling companies sometimes take a step back to move two steps
before. The sacrifices are pissed off Denver fans and watering down of the actual product (Raw coming up doesn't look like to be a wrestling show, it's looks like it's going to be more shamless Vince vs. NBA garbage. I don't tune in for that).

I just want the whole thing over. Have the stage fall on Vincey again. Considering how exciting the Lakers-Nuggets series has been, Monday Night Raw doesn't stand a chance.

Now onto TNA...

For a good while I watched Impact. Nearly for a year. Nowadays...well, not so much. I didn't watch the last Impact. I read that Mick Foley fought a cardboard cut-out. Tell me, did they tease it that he was going to fight a real-live bonafide champion? Taz? Lashley? Samoa Joe? No, it's a cardboard cut-out. Okay.

It's not the bait and switch that bothers me. Hell, that's expected
and even accepted. But how is a cardboard cutout supposed to make fans really excited about purchasing "Sacrifice?"

"You idiot, you just don't get the wackiness of it all." I guess I don't. And hey, the King of the Mountain is in the "Ultimate Sacrifice." Maybe the "Ultimate Sacrifice" will feature four stage hands holding cardboard cut-outs of Angle, Sting, Foley, and JJ. Considering how the emphasis in TNA is always on what happens after the match, I think I'm on to something here.

What's nice about TNA is that before they were botching up their PPV build-up with just plain incompetence. Nowadays, they're still incompetent, but now they've got on clown shoes while riding a
mechanical bull in a house of mirrors. It's harder to write about the absurdity of Impact because it's just chocked full of craziness from the get-go. Only Impact regularly gives me 12 pages of notes.

See if you can explain TNA's "Sacrifice." Explain "The Ultimate
Sacrifice." Explain who the Guns are going to fight and how the hell Jay Lethal got involved. Suicide? Daniels? Don't know.

Probably Foley and Jarrett will have a big laugh about this one day. "Remember when I did that? And we did this?" They'll probably look upon it fondly. Because nobody was there to rein them in.

Impact is working. Reports say that the ratings are up. So all of my complaints are worthless. Hey, if showing a jar of mayo gets high ratings, mayo it is. Some people like the wackness of Impact. Good for them. Have fun. Maybe I would feel better about the product if it didn't feel like some scummy inside joke. And if they let go of "WWE sucks, now like us!" vibe they have. Hey guess what? You both suck. Both directions you guys are taking are dismal.

So what keeps me going? A "C.M. Punk vs Chris Jericho" match on
Superstars here, a "John Morrison vs Evan Bourne" match there, the
chance I get to watch a "TNA Cross the Line" video package for the
1,232th time. Perhaps "Sacrifice" will be emotionally fulfilling for wrestling fans. Perhaps Monday Night Raw won't turn the entire WWE roster into the Lakers Girls. Maybe Obama will punk out Dick Cheney. Maybe this mysterious rash will go away. Maybe my baby mama will stop hounding me for money. And so forth.

We'll look back at the month of May where WWE decided to turn their
roster into Laker Girls. And where TNA felt the impulsive need to
challenge themselves to explore insane directions in PPV buildup.

Everybody have a happy Memorial Day. You better have a happy one. Or else. Freedom isn't free. But wrestling absurdity sure is.

(credit to nba.com and flickr.com for pics)

email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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