By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"All he wants is to kill you in front of an audience
While everybody is watching in the party applauding it"
- "3 A.M." by Eminem

"Yes sir, we promised you a great main event tonight…" Ha ha. Welcome to the Enus show, ladies and gentlemen.

Memorial day. A debt of gratitude. Exercise all of our freedoms. A shot in a graveyard, showing many gravestones.

Things took a turn for the worse as Larry Zbyszko popped in my screen and yelled at me not to take steroids. Don't you feel funny Larry? You're shilling Morphoplex Massive in a graveyard.

Raw welcomes you to Los Angeles. Nowadays, we can count the good points of Raw on two fingers: The Miz and Jim Ross. It's not Goldy and Horny i.e. the tag team from hell.

They run down the card. You see, we're going to get serious with Orton beating Ric Flair's butt (ewww).

Then we're going to hit you with some wacky comedy with the "Lakers vs. Nuggets."

E. Stan Kroenke comes out. This is sad. Sign: "Nuggets fear WWE," "I am not a nugget." I think I have visual diarrhea.

They recap the earth-shattering Denver Debacle. My Shaq wish for the main event doesn't look too good.

More WWE propaganda. Leave the poor mustache dude alone.

Yeah, Denver threw us out on our ear. And we're taking ECW/Smackdown taping with us (but, of course, we're not mentioning that). Sorry, Denver. And, oh, by the way, John Elway sucks. Yes, the Denver Nuggets organization committed war crimes against the WWE universe. Rise up and fight back.

Fake Stan passes a basketball to fake David Stern. There's fake Jack. This rip off looks cool. The next guy is fake Dr. Jerry Buss with a really bad red toupee.

"Hail to the Chief" is playing. They show the title for Dr. Jerry Buss. Jack doesn't get a title.

I have no idea what the hell is going on.

Fake Stan is on the mic. Maybe I ask too much. Maybe fake wigs and bad photo shopped graphics make the product look shoddy. I know. I demand the world.

As I recall, Kroenke didn't say anything about the WWE. But Vince told me that I stink and I smell. So boo! Boo! I believe in McMahon lies! Boo!

"Kroenke and the Denver Nuggets screwed thousands and thousands of loyal WWE fans!"

Actually, WWE screwed thousands and thousands of their fans.

Ted Turner goes on. My god. How many signs of this damn feud are there? Sad.

Oh no. Video package. Vince is a angel. Kroenke is a devil. The saint himself Vince McMahon comes out to this theme song "No chance in hell."

"Let's not get carried away," says Jim Ross. Vince already has.

Vince gets chummy with the media in referencing the "miserable, total failure" that was the XFL. Remember that? He wants a new professional basketball league. The XBA.

The hero for our times Mr. McMahon continues in his own delusion: "The fun continues tonight!" This is fun?

Vinnie Mac then begins to make fun of Kroenke's first name. "I never trust anybody with a initial for a first name." Oh-kay.

E. Stan Kroenke. E stands for…Extreme? Everlasting? Enough of this putrid madness? E stands for Enus? OMG. Enus? Like "Penis?" How could your parents name you Penis? Sucks to be you.

Five-year0old Vince continues on: "You're a enus. Enus. Enus. Enus. Enus. Enus."

"Enus rhymes with Venus? Uranus? Genius? Well, of course not. Because you guys are all imbeciles. It seems to me that you have an acute case, or rather a terminal case, of enus envy."

Vince is just saying things to get the crowd to react. He might as well just gone out there and start shouting out from the top of his lungs, "Penis! Penis!"

My sister is over, playing scrabble by herself. Sister Absurd chimes in: "High-quality television." (Smarkyness runs in the family.)

I felt like an idiot for watching this. This was embarrassing, the kind of thing you leave the arena with a jacket over the head.

Vince continues: "You feel like you can push the WWE Universe." Vince then shoves fake Stan on his butt. That's it? That's the whole friggin segment? Can I switch over to the basketball game now?

Miz saves the day. Hell yeah. The huge kissass was a huge TV star in Los Angeles.

How many times can a wrestling show say "NBA?"?

Miz rips off his shirt, showing that he's a Lebron James supporter.

Jack Swagger comes out and says he's just like Dwight "Superman" Howard of the Orlando Magic.

And then every wrestler agrees that we should watch the basketball game. Go ahead. Change the channel. Go right on ahead.

Miz talks about Kobe Bryant and the old Magic Johnson talk show. Yeah. "WWE is where the Miz happens." Watch where you step.

Cena's coming down. He's pissed. Here comes DiBiase and Rhodes. For no apparent reason.

Batista the big lug comes down. Wearing red underwear. He wears it to feel sexy, I suppose. Big show. Hey folks, this is our new roster. Oh, Jerry Lawler. Jerry wearing Lakers colors. Ugh.

To be fair, the opening segment could have ended with Vince going on a enus rampage. WWE's version of the "Lakers" vs. the "Nuggets" is later tonight.

Kelly squared is ready for the biggest match of her life. She spent three hours putting on her makeup. Don't forget the nails. She's got the chance to win some glittery belt.

Commercial break: I think Danica Patrick is trying to star in the stupidest commercials ever. The commercial features her pit crew dressed in skirts. There's actually a camera shot of a guy wearing a skirt crossing over a divider. Danica, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about! My eyes are burning! YouTube link. Or...



Vince would be proud of the commercial. Enus.

Kelly vs. Maryse in a Divas My Little Pony title match. They start with some posing. Pose off. Strip! Strip! Oh no, some wrestling. Crappy backbreaker. Divas are smart, sexy, and powerful. Too bad they can't wrestle.

Maryse told Cole that she patterns her style after rock and roll music. Maryse talked to Cole? Sure. You're supposed to connect with Maryse because she likes music. Well, I stink at Guitar Hero. So connect with that, dummies.

Sister Absurd chimes in: "They sound like pigs squealing."

I know, I'm so embarrassed that I watch this junk.

Whoa. Maryse adjusting her top outside the ring. Match ends in a DQ. DQ for pushing Kelly? Wha?

There's a 60 percent chance at this moment that viewers decided to change the channel. Click.

Here's fake Jack Nicholson. You Bella twins know he's not real. But you pretend that he is. Uh oh. Here comes Goldust! And Horny! Run for your lives!

Godly talks about being electrocuted five centuries ago. "We want to get some acting lessons." And, of course, they have a song for Jack, who sounded like a pipsqueak when he talked.

Deep breath.

Goldy: "You want answers?"

Horny: "I, I, I, I, I want truth!"

99.9 percent chance now. Click.

Unless you want some more of fake Jack being busy staring at Goldy's ass. Please end. Please end. Please end.

It's Flair and deadly Dave. Dave talks about leaving Orton "half-alive" after Extreme Gardening. Not "dead dead." Half-past dead. Oh yeah. This is almost as boring as the Goldy-Jack bit. Flair was Flair, while Dave did his best impression of a brick wall. Flair could have done the exact same promo by himself and I wouldn't have noticed.

Cena video package: "He's got the will. OMG. I don't believe he's standing. The strength. How does he do it? The determination. But for John Cena, a submission match with Big Show will be his downfall!" The struggle we face? These guys are not submission guys. Have fun watching a lot of shots to the back of the neck.

They highlight the point that Cena just can't get his grubby hands around Show's neck. Leg submissions, perhaps? An armbar? Anyone?

Sister Absurd chimes in: "Can you turn the sound off when it's wrestling?"

A triple threat U.S. Championship match. Matt Hardy is wearing his skull and bones shirt. William Regal. He doesn't have Layla anymore. Sigh. Regal's tougher than a $2 steak. I didn't steal that line. Here comes the fake Jamaican, Kofi Kingston.

Matt takes a breather outside. Regal hammers away. Matt tries a double pin. Real clunky stuff here.

Here comes MVP swaggering down the ramp. Why? Commercial break.

MVP says that he would break Matt's hand if given the chance. You did betray and break Matt's leg at one point, playmaker.

Cole squeals with delight. "Trouble in paradise!" Reminds me of "Thunder in Paradise." Which was kick-ass! Hogan! Hogan!

Kofi gets the pin over Matt. Kofi vs. MVP next week. Should be monkey butt ugly. I need me a Matt run in here.

Kofi was IC champion at one point. But was a "tranny" (i.e. transitional champion). Meaning holding the belt didn't mean a darn thing.

Kozlov takes his first step of global domination by taking over Germany on ECW. Or the Los Angeles crowd by wearing a Kobe Bryant Jersey.

Flair comes out to challenge the male model. You sucker-punched the Naitch. Flair wants some of Orton. It will be short and sweet. Get out here. Bring it. Come on!

Orton comes out, but first he has to bury his heel character a bit. Geez, Orton. Why so much talking? Get in there and pop the old man. But he can't. "I lowered myself to punching Ric Flair last week." Things pick up as Flair breaks the Robot's monotone promo and yells at him. Orton yells back: "I'm not Chris Jericho." What? What does Chris Jericho have anything to do with the Orton-Flair feud? Jericho got a free plug, but Orton looked like a twit here.

Orton: "Trips only kept you around because he felt sorry for you. It is over."

Flair slaps Orton. Orton then lowers himself and fights Flair. Big Dave comes charging to the ring. What was the point of that?

Oh, why the hell not…let's bring out Kennedy!

Oh-kay. They didn't have a conclusion, so they had Mr. Goat come out. Great.

In fact, they should have just trotted out a goat. Holy crackers, Ross! It's a goat! On Monday Night Raw!

I felt that while Mr. Goat was reaching for his gimmick mic, Orton should have punted him right in the nuts. But, of course, he was too concerned thinking up a new fake disease ("I have TNA.")

Kennedy lays into Orton. "You look kinda surprised. I think it's just getting started. Tonight marks the official return of the Kennedy. The next WWE Champion. Wha? Kennedy is in the five-on-five main event tonight. And yes, you hear boos during this announcement.

Well, my Shaq hopes are washed away.

I am assuming that for such a media-friendly show, they didn't want to include Orton punting Flair in the head (thus setting up the revenge factor for Dave at ER). The Orton-Batista feud is really stale. Their Extreme Wind Surfing match seems to me more like two kids facing each other in a summer camp to see who will be the winner in a pie-eating contest.

Mixed tag team match with Santino, Mickie, Chavo, and Beth. Winning team gets to pick the stipulation for Santino vs. Vickie at Extreme Rock Climbing. Bra and Panties match? Mud wrestling? Let's find which one of us has a enus? What could it be? Stay tuned to fight out.

Click.

About 40 minutes left to go.

Fine for what it was, meaning it was some random things until Santino spoke. Oh wait, "Excuse Me" lady is here. Vickie with her royal wave.

Santino picks the "Leaning Tower of Pepperoni" match. TNA exclusives here. Santino says it's going to be a "Hog pen match." Question: Will WWE resort back to Vickie landing in pig poop? Will they have a Swine Flu quip? All signs point to yes. At least they haven't had Santino bust out wearing a surgical mask to protect himself from the swinny Vickie. Yet.

Miz and Show meet up in the bathroom. Big Show is big all over, and the Mizzy is scared.

They recap Vince-Kroenke. Why? Because Vince says so.

It's Goldust and Hornswoggle. And for the hell of it, the unified tag team champions Carlito and Primo are here.

Click.

The Brian Kendrick and Festus wearing a Clippers Jersey (because he's incompetent and a perennial loser, I guess) come out.

Cole magically knows that it was TBK who put Festus in a Clippers jersey.

Carlito sounded like Manny Ramirez while announcing.

Didn't I just watch a comic relief match? Geez. The show just can't be filled with comic matches.

Carlito and Primo do their shtick: "That's not cool." "Don't steal my line."

Hornswoggle kicks out of a small package by TBK? Guh.

You know, there was two fans mock fighting each other in the crowd. Can I watch that?

End of the match hints that TBK will hit Festus with a chair for failing him as a tag team partner. I thought the character of TBK was supposed to be smart. Whatever. Enus. Enus. Your hometown basketball team is great.

Carlito: "Got a little surprise for Kendrick." Primo rings the bell. Festus loses it. Oh ho ho ho the hijinks.

Five-on-five next. And if you're been watching Raw this long, I feel sorry for you.

The band "Sick Puppies" is the ones to thank for Extreme Exploding Enuses official theme song. All of these PPV themes songs are just metal drudge.

They run down the Extreme Enus Envy card. "Cena looks for another miracle in the submissions match." Ugh.

"The Denver Nuggets"
Point Guard = The Miz
Shooting Guard = Cody Rhodes
Small Forward = Ted DiBiase
Center = Big Show
Power Forward = Randy Orton

And yes, they got all together and ordered the jerseys online. They all picked their favorite numbers. How cute.

"The Los Angeles Lakers"
Point Guard = MVP (#24, Kobe Bryant)
Shooting Guard = Jerry Lawler (note: is there anybody in this main event from the west coast? No)
Small Forward = Mr. Kennedy
Center = Batista
Power Forward = John Cena (wearing a headband like the big tool he is)

What really sold the deal was that Batista came out in full on basketball gear. Not only the jersey, but the basketball shorts and white tennis shoes. No kneepads. No elbow pads.

About ten more minutes to go.

"Let's go Lakers" chant. Guh. I'm not watching wrestlers, I'm watching leeches.

"MVP" chants for when MVP is in the ring (because they used to chant "MVP" for Bryant when he was playing in the arena). Dangle that carrot, and the horse will chase it.

After this I will watch the rest of the Nuggets-Lakers game. Cole exclaims that this match has a Playoff like atmosphere in it. Yeah. Raw is like the previous Cavs-Magic game where there was a foul on every friggin play and it made watching it painful. But this show was worse. Much worse.

Kennedy tags in. He could be the next world champ. Really? WWE is going in that direction? Somebody who hasn't been on television in nearly a year?

I guess the morale of the story is that if you're in a movie (Kennedy, Cena, Khali), you're considered a top contender for a world title.

It doesn't matter if C.M. Punk has a legion of fans who consider him world championship material. Nah, he's too busy fighting WWE's pet monster Umaga.

The point I'm trying to make is that when a "world title contender" tag is placed on somebody by the announcer, it makes the whole wrestling organization look foolish if the majority of fans don't believe it. How about you win some matches before we throw you a parade for winning the WWE title, Mr. Goat?

Main event was hollow. Utterly hollow. I struggled to make it to the end.

WWE is aimed for kids, but somehow watching a episode of "Wow Wow Wubbzy" would be easier to take. Because at the end those goofy cartoon characters aren't asking me to plop down money to purchase Extreme Paintball. Or saying "Enus" over and over. Or leeching off of the NBA.

I'm trying to recall the good points of this show and the only one I can come up with was the passion Flair did in his promo with Orton. Of course, Orton jumbled message didn't really help matters.

Tonight can be summed up in one word: brutal. I was embarrassed to watch this show in front of my friends and family. This was a cheesy house show that was broadcasted to millions around the world.

Enus.

Raw's Verdict: A Huge Stinking Pile Of Absurdity

(credit to sfgate.com, honeymonster.co.uk, and 1.bp.blogspot.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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