By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Well I cannot believe
You've got a devil up your sleeve
And he's talking to me
And I cannot believe"
-"It's All In Your Mind" by Beck

So what is the real correct spelling of E. Stan Kroenke's first name?

I saw Ennos. I also saw Enis. I put down Enus because it looks kinda like "anus" and I'm real juvenile like that.

After a quick Google search, the official spelling is "Enos." With that knowledge, you'll make Jeopardy one day.

I'm wonder what the ratings are going to be for Monday Night Penis Reference Joke. No matter what the outcome is, WWE already has their explanations in place.

Ratings are high = "Boy! People love that we can connect with them with current sport events! Groovy! Now let's fire some more people to celebrate!"

Ratings are abysmal = "That damn NBA game! Screwed us! Screwed the entire WWE Universe! Damn you, NBA! Damn you and your playoff basketball! Fire people! Fire 'em all!"

WWE wasn't even paying attention to the old WWE fans that night.

What bothers me about this whole "cradle to the grave" mission plan WWE has is that it's somewhat limited in scope.

As a child if you go to see a cheap kiddie movie, you'll might love it and think it's the best thing ever made in the history of mankind. As you grow up and you watch the same film, you'll probably find yourself bored.

I understand the goal is to lock in kids so that they will buy Cena caps and Jeff Hardy armbands. But let's say that in five years Raw was doing the exact same thing it's doing right now, meaning sucking. Would those "old" fans still watch?

Look, not everybody can be a super-duper-uber genius like me. It's my cross to bear, I know. Not everyone can be so attuned and pick apart wrestling like I do.

But even those who still hold on to the delusion that "wrestling is real, damnit" can start to see some similarities popping up. Same old feuds. Same old matches. Same old song and dance. It usually takes one month of sleep-inducing WWE boredom to drive away these fans away. Months like this one we're in right now.

What will wrestling be like in the future? Ted DiBiase Jr. will become WWE champ. John Cena will be cloned. Mr. Kennedy will still be on the injured reserve list. And Orton will finally show some life while wrestling. And doing promos. And while doing his Undertaker walk to the ring.

I liked how Tommy Dreamer was bumping and grinding down in ECW. Other than that I don't remember too much about that show. Why? My Cavs are losing! Losing, I tells ya!

And did you know that only true wrestling fans wear Nike shoes? It's true. You're not a true fan if you don't own some Nike shoes! Of course Nike is not my sponsor! I'm not being paid to plug them! I just really like their shoes! Go out and buy some right now! They're really snazzy! Mr. Absurd wouldn't lie to ya!

Buy a Cena cap while you're at it. Cena needs all of the money from the royalties so that he can pull off miracles. He's like a buffed up Jesus gangstah. The Messiah of Marks.

Over in TNA, Jeffy Jarrett still holds onto the dream that he's still so over. Foley continues playing his Brett Favre diva role.

You know, I'm looking towards the day where TNA gets rid of their championship belts. Have Foley put his "lucky coin" on the match. Have the X Division guys fight over a Nintendo DS. The tag teams fight over who gets to wipe Team 3D's big asses.

Just replace "My TNA World Heavyweight Belt" with "My Lucky Coin." "This Sunday, at Super Scam Sunday, I promise you that you will never take this lucky coin from me! Never!" Fans wouldn't even notice the difference.

Why does Foley care about the belt so much? We don't know. It's a mistake to assume that fans are in tune with what you want them to feel.

Hell, I was confused about the "Ultimate Sacrifice" match. I originally assumed that whoever got the first pinfall was going to become world champ. But it wasn't the case.

"Part ownership of TNA" and "retirement" are somewhat on the level of the TNA world heavyweight belt (ideally a championship belt should be the most important), but a made-up role to rule over a goofy tree house gang is somehow bigger than a championship belt?

We complain and whine about the status of championship belts because they should be important. A championship belt is not only an icon that signifies that "this guy/girl is the shizz," but the belt also represents old champions who fans fell in love with. And then there's the whole "buy our PPV because we've got lot of titles on the line and it's gonna be the end of the world" thing wrestling does.

Went out drinking last night (in moderation) and we joked about "Beer Goggles," or how being a bit tipsy distorts your vision and makes things better than they actually are. Here's a question: Do you need to have "TNA Goggles" on to enjoy TNA?

The answer: you either need to have them on or you need to know what's going down. Because if you enter the TNA warzone expecting WWE Jr., you're in for a world of hurt.

I think that WWE does a better job of bringing in fans without forcing them to accept their doctrine (or at least not subverting every single match into TNA wackiness), but anyone buying Extreme Dodge ball expecting a all out carnage bloodbath like last year are probably going to be disappointed. That's WWE right now. WWE for kidz! Yeah!

I think for new fans who haven't heard of TNA...if they bought Sacrifice, they were bound to be disappointed. It seems that every TNA PPV is going to feature a mindless mid-card, a stupid outcome to a high profile match, and a lackluster main event. Sacrifice actually managed to break the mold (wrestling was good), but I admit that I only bought the PPV because of the action. I cared not one iota for the wrestlers or the feuds they were in. So when dumb booking and stupid finishes happened, it wasn't a shock to me. I enjoyed the PPV, but some didn't. Because boo hoo Styles looked like a chump when Jenna ruined his match wah wah.

Maybe one day they will work on that nagging problem, but there are too many months of evidence to shoot down that notion. They will continue with lousy booking and the "let's see what we can get away with" vibe on Impact. I'm looking forward to Mick Foley fighting himself...fighting his dentist...confessing that he has a crush on new Supreme Court Judge Sonia Sotomayor...getting busted for taking women's fertility drugs...fake retiring for the tenth time...the possibilities are endless.

So who makes up the TNA hardcore fans? Those who have followed TNA from the beginning and view them favorably in an underdog role. The same ones who understand that TNA tag team matches and women's matches can be great (while by contrast the same matches in WWE are often throwaways and jokes). TNA is unique and never wants to be viewed as boring.

Maybe a good portion of TNA's audience is filled with those who are sick of the WWE product and want something more edgy. Those who can put up or ignore the constantly bad booking, lukewarm characters, and cookie-cutter feuds.

The main annoying thing about Impact...well...it's just simply too crammed. Too many mini-feuds going nowhere that just have to get pushed. Too many backstage bits. Too much overload. Just too much.

It's not to say that wrestling fans are dummies. But typically a person can only retain so much. Many people can attest to the fact that Impact feels like a marathon to watch. Too much is too much. For example, the very first "Absurdity" articles were 5,000 pages long. I may be exaggerating, but you get the idea.

To explain my point, here is a scene from the 1984 film "Amadeus."

Wait, am I comparing Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to the TNA bookers? My gosh, I think I am. Yep, kiddies, the TNA booking and writing staff are actually super geniuses. We just can't grasp their brilliance, their sheer beauty of their work.

Pretend that Mozart is your favorite TNA booker (Jeff Jarrett/Vince Russo/Dixie Carter) and the Emperor represents the snobby wrestling fan who just watched a typical Impact that featured the main event of Mick Foley destroying a popcorn stand with a Sting face painted on its side (because damn it, Foley can). YouTube link. Or...



Hey, Mozart said my favorite word. Conform to my every wishes, TNA! Muhahahaha!

(credit to farm1.static.flickr.com and tvmedia.ign.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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