By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"So let's try to make it last
The past is still the past
And tomorrow is just another crazy scam"
-"Sleeping Bag" by Beck

In recent news, WWE has changed "Unforgiven" into "Breaking Point," which is similar to TNA's "Turning Point." What's the next WWE PPV name on the chopping block? I'll go with "No Mercy." It sounds scary. Might upset people. Might as well change them all into "Harmless Super Happy Go Fun Time."

While they are at it, they should change "ECW" into "Ms. T and the Kids." Some title ripped off from those Nickelodeon cutesy middle school shows.

Superstars featured good stuff from Jack Swagger and Ted DiBiase. Swaggah will always be my boy, but DiBiase made some serious moves in. Sorry, girl. I've got man crushes to write about. No time for you.

Onto Impact...

Hey, why is Red getting an X Division title shot? Does this match have a point?

Hey, at least they are not starting off with a MEM talking heads segment. Good for them.

Red could be fired next week and no one would notice because his character is non-existent.

MEM fires their women from the group. Still won't stop them feuding. Perhaps a hog pen match between the two. They also fire those scowling security guards. They'll probably become a tag team of homosexual chefs called "The Chubbies." Finisher would be them getting chummy with a freaked out wrestler.

I think Joe might be the world's most incompetent hitman. It doesn't really bother me that Joe said that he's been ordered to kill Angle. Wrestling is built on extremes. Wrestling often is a cartoon aimed at teenagers. And plus Tenay and West will hype up who ordered Joe to do the job. So it doesn't bother me that Joe said that he's going to end the life of Angle. It bothers me that he hasn't done it yet. And that he can't dress himself.

I still think that they should go with Joe actually killing a wrestler and writing a storyline with him in prison.

Plus hasn't Joe whipped out his knife and talked about killing somebody in the past but never went through with it? Maybe he shouldn't try to be like Slim Shady and be a guy that...is...actually...believable.

Unless at your workplace or school there's a guy wearing a really goofy outfit and acting all pissed off all of the damn time.

Figuring out the story path to C.M. Punk's MITB briefcase is easy. See if you can recall the path of the "Feast or Fired" X Division briefcase. It's now with the British Invasion? TNA loves to have wrestlers steal other wrestlers's things and claiming it belongs to them.

It's like also a requirement when watching Impact to forget the past month of shows. Continuity isn't a strength in TNA.

Not sure of the actual point made during that Williams-Deaner ladder match for the X Division briefcase. Deaner took a scary bump at the end of the match. Was the ladder concept worth it? The match was five friggin minutes long. The biggest thing of the match was Kiyoshi and Bashir celebrating with the British Invasion after the match.

So we really shouldn't call it a wrestling match. It's an interesting gimmick time-filler designed to keep viewers from changing the channel. And it wasn't really all that effective. Surely a much better job could have been done with just Williams vs. Deaner. I can only assume that TNA doesn't know how to execute a match like that, so they throw in ladders, stolen briefcases, balloons, and girls dancing in cages even though the only thing fans took home was the anti-America guys getting chummy.

They should just have "step ladder matches." Regularly. On every Impact. Trust me, that will be good for business. It's a brilliant idea. Trust me.

TNA is doing a heck of a job of portraying workers in the mental health business as raving psychos who always option for shock therapy.

But then again, can't imagine Dr. Stevie and Abyss having a deep, thoughtful discussion working to overcome Abyss's demons.

I'm a Raven mark. I might go goo-goo over guys like Chris Jericho and Kurt Angle, but with the character of Raven I lose my mind. If it's Raven vs. Abyss at Super Scam Sunday (a great name for a wrestling PPV) in a "Pills & Pain match," I'm ordering.

Liked how The Beautiful People fired Mr. Ass. Made fans feel that TNA is listening to them. Please don't put Kip back in a PPV main event like you did before this year. Victoria a.k.a. Lady McBarfy is in TNA. Cool beans.

Eric Young is getting a "just okay" push from his feud with Jeff Jarrett and turning to the dark side. Would be interesting if he became Mick Foley's lackey and became a sleazy snitch. Snitches get stitches.

Liked how Foley wanted to defend the title only once a year. Good thing for his heel character. Fans don't really care for Jeff Jarrett in his face role right now, so I wouldn't mind guys who would actually be effective in that KOTM match instead of the old, slow MEM gang. I would like to see Foley doing a promo on why the TNA Heavyweight Championship belt is so important to him.

It would also like to see if Beer Money and Team 3D can do the damn same "We're friends but we're gonna betray you" storyline they had in their build-up to their match at Lockdown. Remember, all wrestling fans forget what happened two months. That's what TNA believes.

A.J. Styles vs. Daniels was nice. Big story out of the night was Shane Douglas. Groovy.




Thanks for reading. I have to go back to working on my school paper about erectile dysfunction.

Impact's Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

(credit to 4.bp.blogspot.com for both pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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