By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

-Pixar's "Up"...main audience is for kids and still adults rave about it...why can't WWE pull this off? Must nearly everything be childish pandering?

-It's extremz! Fatal four way match for the U.S. Championship! It's fatal! It sounds scary! Thus, it is extremz! We ran out of idea for extremz gimmick matches! Run! Run everybody! Argghhh! Bolt your doors and check your drawers, Extremz Frisbee is invading your house this Sunday! Singapore Cane Match? Bullrope match? WCW's "Hardcore Hell?" Can't they fight in a WCW junkyard? Hell yes!

-Yes it is true Vince pays every wrestling internet writer. You didn't know that? I'm on his payroll.

-The silent video of Mr. Kennedy proved to the world that Kenny still has the freedom to masturbate. Or maybe it was something deeper that I'm not getting. One of my college professors would probably ask me to write a 4,000 word paper analyzing what Kennedy "checking his wrists mean." Thanks, windbag.

-"Future Endeavors" catchphrase...T-Shirt...Should be put on a sign...WWE Sign Strikeforce swoops in and beats the poor kid within a inch of their lives...the wonder of Sign Guy...

-Extreme absurdity article swearing one night of bleeping bleep bleep this bleep is bleeping stupid bleep bleep bleep I'm gonna bleep till I can't bleep no more...shocking when WWE wrestlers swear...

-"It's getting cold in here, (so cold) so I'm putting on some clothes (I am getting so cold, I'm gonna put some clothes on")...bonus points if you can name the artist and song title that I am ripping off. Hint: Stone Cold called him a bad word in "The Longest Yard" remake.

-Now that the "slop" tease of Santino-Vickie has been wasted, only thing viewers get to look forward to is Vickie's face meeting up with a pig's butt. I don't care if they're gonna shut off the gas, hon, I got to pay WWE to see the drama unfolding. Her face! It's coming closer! No! Oh my lord! She'll never get the taste of her mouth!

-That's how one RIkishi got over. Shoving his big bubble butt in wrestler's faces.

-WWE writers too busy playing Sims 3. WWE sometimes resembles the Nintendo Wii of wrestling.

-ECW was hard to watch. It's like a rule that the first part of WWE shows must stink.

-Pearl Jam on Conan O' Brian show...the king is back, baby!

-Apparently for somebody to get over, they have to fail constantly at dressing themselves. The mystery of Zack Ryder astounds me. Zack friggin Ryder. There should be a college course trying to figure out Zack friggin Ryder. Your professor could ask you that for your final test: "Zack Ryder. Why?"

-Left 4 Dead 2, Max Payne 3, Uncharted 2, Prototype, Fight Night Round 4...E3 2009...I may never have to leave my room again..."people who don't need people are the happiest people la la la"...

-"Sleepbooking"...Raw side of Extreme Rules extremely lacking...

-Should have punted Flair right off the bat. Instead they teased it and teased it...until it happened. That was the whole Batista-Orton feud for the entire month of May. Loads of Batista stammering and Flair-Orton being wishy-washy in their date to the high school prom. Cheap..."plug in certain events and thus compels fans to open their wallets"...I don't think I'm buying Extreme Enos...

-"The Great American Bash" is now "The Bash." I'm going to kick your ass at the Bash. The Rash... Quick Cash...Smelly Ass? (this is a science!)

-Okay. One's Ric Flair. And one's Shane McMahon. Say it aloud. Flair beating up Orton is believable. No arguments.

-Great writing staff vs. hot stars. If you owned a wrestling company and you could only have one option, which would it be? A great writing staff but a poor, boring roster? Or a piss-poor writing staff but an army of Hogans, Rocks, and Austins?

-"Humpy" is my new nickname for Umaga.

-Swerve: I'm really Shane McMahon! Muhahaha!

-WWE humor is constrained by trying to appeal everybody and trying not to offend. The result? It has become nothing.

-When is the last Orton PPV match worth bragging about?

-People will hate your game no matter what you do. The best thing is to make some money off of gullible fools (e.g. professional wrestling).

-I'm waiting till when WWE brings the "Peek-a-boo" game into their content.

If nothing else, at least this absurdity article was more entertaining than Santino comedy. Vickie has just kissed a pig's butt! Bah Gawd, ladies and gentlemen!

(credit to a655.ac-images.myspacecdn.com and fast1.onesite.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

We suggest these recent related articles...

10/5 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Natalya vs. Paige, Owens vs. Cara, Stephanie McMahon, Sasha Banks, Xavier Woods

COLLECTIBLES COLUMN: The History of Foam Hands in Pro Wrestling

9/28 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Kane's Split Personality, Divas Revolution, Heyman & Big Show, Reigns vs. Wyatt