By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"The wait is over
I'm now taking over
You're no longer laughing
I'm not drowning fast enough"
-"Reptilia" by The Strokes

Welcome to WWE Superstars on WGN America. We're the tamer version of Spike TV.

Cole: "The odd couple of Goldust and Hornswoggle have won some matches ... none of which I can mention."

Good to see Jamie Noble on TV. Goldy/Horny are facing the tag team of Noble/Kendrick, who could possibly be a great tag team. But eh eh, says WWE.

Can I get any shout-outs for the old tag team of Shannon Moore/Jimmy Wang Yang?

Goldust lands some offense (butt slam, bionic elbow). He's the worker of this zany tag team.

Noble refuses to attack Horny at one point. Come on. Everybody wants to punch Hornswoggle. They advertise that at WWE fan events. "Take out your rage on WWE kiddie programming and kick Horny in his leprechaun nuts!" Goldust looked fine here.

Okay, Goldy/Horny are not the tag team from hell. What's slightly better than hell? Okay, they're the tag team from New Jersey. Zing! Man, that joke never gets old.

Angels will guide Cena to victory. A nation of millions are Cenamaniacs and will cheer Cena to overcome the impossible...the daunting task of learning a grand total of seven moves. (He had four moves in his cache two years ago).

That Cena video package was near impossible to take: "What step has Cena lost? Has Cena lost his resolve? How did Cena overcame physics and gravity at J-Day (my favorite bit in this)?" They forgot to make SuperCena actually believable to those who don't sleep in Cena PJs. The music guy must have felt silly here.

I mean, if we're appealing to kids, we might as well dress up Cena and Show in army gear and have them play army, shooting each other with invisible bullets. Or better yet, have them dress up like basketball stars in jerseys and headbands and...wait...

Next up is Tommy Dreamer vs. D.H. Smith with Christian announcing. The "H" stands for "Hart," not "HGH."

About the Hart Foundation...I remember when Bret Hart said about wresting in pink: "Wrestling in pink...you got to be pretty tough."

Mr. Kennedy could be the replacement of Christian in TNA. And then he and Foley could cut a promo where they say this line: "You and me go back a long way." That is what every wrestler in TNA says in their promos.

"You and me, bro. We go back a long way."

"What are you talking about, man? We have almost no history."

"Shaddup. Remember those glory days in WWE? ECW? WCW? ROH? NWA? AWA? Huh? Huh?"

Commercial Break: "If you like to have your own copy of '12 Rounds,' keep watching WWE Superstars on WGN America." After you win the DVD, you can do what Miz told you to do. You can try to flush it down the toilet. Your toilet will be clogged up, your house will be flooded, you won't be able to sell your house, you'll be broke, and you'll be living down by the river in a van.

Christian: "What some people call cheating, I call it being savvy. Swagger sees the ropes and canvas. I see a chessboard."

Yep, Cena vs. Show at Extreme Rules is going to be like Boris Spassky vs. Mikhail Tal in their chess match in 1973. In fact they should have a chess match rather than their submissions match. This is how the match will start off: 1. d4 Nf6 2. c4 e6 3. Nc3 Bb4...




So this is the Extreme Rules match: Tommy = Hardcore. Christian = Smart. Swagger = Raw muscle. Would like to see Swagger go through "a hardcore trial by fire," but most likely plenty of trash can lid and kendo stick cane shots.

Great line by Christian regarding if Dreamer did win the ECW title: "At least fans wouldn't have to watch Dreamer cry his way through another interview." He's crying because he means it! He's truly retiring! Forever! Just like Ric Flair will never, ever wrestle on WWE programming again!

Loved it when Striker mistook a Texas Cloverleaf for the sharpshooter. Christian called him out on that.

Young WWE Stars: Hart Dynasty, John Morrison, Evan Bourne, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler.

Kofi Kingston might become the next Shelton Benjamin in five years. Some guys are just spot monkeys who only do sequences, not tell stories. There's a ceiling and some guys remain under it.

Was that "Mysterio fan ambush" bit a Jericho idea? Big ups to him if it was so.

Commercial break: A group wants you to stop saying things are gay. Instead, you should say phrases like "Extreme Rules is totally straight" or "I think I have straight feelings for Dolph Ziggler." Wrestling still remains chocked full of stereotypes. Ha ha gay people are so flirty and funny! Hee hee!

Dolph wants Jericho to shake his hand. Jericho does. It remained me of the bit on Smackdown during that "Tough Enough" challenge…a newbie wanted to shake Angle's hand after the match. Angle refused, berated him. "You ain't shaking my hand, butt buddy."

Man, I always fast-forward through Truth's rap. Always found that thing embarrassing. Jeff looking like some deranged emo fan from that damn "Twilight" film.

Commercial break: Round 3 of 12 Rounds trivia. Wait, don't tell me they doing 12 Rounds of this? Anyways, the trivia question is this: What does John Cena's slogan HLR stand for?

Heroes
Love
Roids

Okay, that quip was cold. A hero who loves beating physics and gravity. Why can't I beat physics and gravity? I'm a wuss.

You know what would make me buy a WWE PPV no matter what for the rest of 2009? If Show knocks Cena the f out in the opening seconds and wins.

But that's won't happen. Be prepared to hear Lawler and Cole fake excitement as they gush when Cena busts out submission moves to make the crowd pop! "My goodness! He's a submission expert! What can't he do?"

Good stuff from Jeff/Truth vs. Jericho/Ziggler. Good show all around.

Superstar's Verdict: A Little Absurd

(credit to j-cena.com, independentcritics.com, s.bebo.com, and img.skysports.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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