By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"You know its kinda hard just to get along today
Our subject isn't cool, but he thinks it anyway
He may not have a clue, and he may not have style
But everything he lacks, well he makes up in denial"

-"Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)" by The Offspring

-The "C.M." in C.M. Punk stands for Cookie Monster, that Sesame Street character. Much like the plethora of WWE employees, that blue bastard has always stayed the same, wacking down cookies and getting crumbs everywhere. His big change was eating raisin bran cookies instead of chocolate chips cookies. How would Cookie Monster fare in WWE and TNA? What would his character most likely be like?

WWE: See Santino. Yep, even all of the cross-dressing.

TNA: See Joe. Yep, even all of the killing. Him hitting rock bottom. Becoming deranged. Freebasing cookie dough. Being put into a short feud with Jeff Jarrett. Then being forgotten. Then being put into a short feud with the current World Champion. Then being forgotten. Then teaming up with Kevin Nash and doing video bits of "making it rain" in strip joints.

-News leak: The next Smackdown will show C.M. Punk and Jeff Hardy going out for ice cream and sharing a kiss. "Oh no they're dragging this thing out even more!" I don't know why I'm personally so impatient with this Punk-Hardy feud. Maybe it's because Jeff is wishy-washy about his future and I am craving an in-depth feud that doesn't involve Jericho. It's like I can't wait to get to my steak dinner and WWE keeps on giving me bread rolls to tide me over.

At Night of Champions, Punk and Jeff should fight inside a little girl's room with pictures of Punk and Jeff on the wall. Girls would be bursting in tears as Punk hits Jeff with a Zach Effron doll. Match would end with Punk hitting the GTS on the pink bedspread. Then Jeff has to wrestle the remaining of his contract only in monkey underwear. Because he's so cute.

Over on Smackdown, Punk told Jeff the ol Nancy Reagan phrase: "Just say no. Don't think about how much it will make you feel better, remain miserable and just say no." Will Jeff just say no to a new contract? I personally would love to see him as a lead singer in an artsy-industrial rock band so that I can throw beer bottles at him onstage.

That damn Punk eye injury is sure getting a lot of hype put into it. Of course, Punk's eye is not going to fall out of its socket (HBK had a freaking detached retina that was hanging by a tiny thread! Punk's a wuss). Smackdown ended with the best selling in the history of mankind. Jeff looked like an idiot that tried to tell a funny joke but kept forgetting the punch line.

I'm digging the heel turn of Punk. I wouldn't call the Punk-Jeff storyline to be the frigging greatest thing of all time (many of Punk Peons heaped such praise) mainly due to that it was treading water, but a case can be made for building a strong foundation to a hot feud. Personally I would like to see Punk kick Jeff's ass out the WWE door.

And then the punk band Minor Threat come in and kick Punk's teeth in. Why? Punk stole the "Straight Edge" thing from them, damnit! Those vegetarians are going to kick this douchebag's ass! Punk's not being straight-edge enough! "Salad Days" are coming for you, you jerk!

-I'm hoping that Ziggler doesn't become the next Billy Gunn. Here's to many more nights of Ziggler getting it on with the backstage floor. Remember that Smackdown bit with Maria? He wasn't stretching...

-I'm hating that damn Twitter. Know who likes to twitter? Matt Hardy. To Matt Hardy I respond with this: Woof! Woof!

I'm guessing that Matt thinks that "true fans" are those who are obedient and shut their traps when told so. Just like dogs. Woof.

I'm confused into what Matt Hardy really wants wrestling fans to be. I'm also confused into why I'm supposed to apologize to somebody if they let me know that they have been wrestling without the aid of their liver or small intestines or whatever. Remember Shane Douglas in TNA a while back? How could I not assume from the size of his gut that he was lazy and out of shape?

Matt look like an ass who cannot make up his mind about wrestling fans. We're all maladjusted fools who aren't as cool as those fanatic NFL, MLB or NBA fans. No, we're cooler!

Main problem with Twitter is that many people don't think before they tweet. Like how Chad Ochocinco once tweeted that Michael Jackson's death was as "sad as 9/11." Glad to know that 85 is planning to tweet during football games. Because Chad doesn't want to be the next Jerry Rice, he wants to be the next contestant on "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!" The coaches won't stop him because frankly all of the rest of the players are serving jail time. Don't hate the truth, Bengals.

-But we get it. Wrestlers are afraid to speak up to management about requesting time off unless they have some pull with the company (HBK, etc.). Edge should have taken a break after his ladder match with Jeff. That is only from my perspective. While it is true that in this business you can get injured from a simple move like a bulldog or a back suplex, Edge wasn't really needed out there. Edge and Jericho didn't really need to become Unified tag team champs.

-Are people at fault for bagging on wrestlers for being "injury-prone?" It's mostly due to frustration. Fans get angry at "injury-prone" guys because they're unreliable to invest emotions into. It is sort of like Yao Ming playing for the Houston Rockets. It's not the guys's fault. Fans are just upset that Batista has re-torn his ACL for the 18th time.

-I remember I had bought tickets to the Great American Bash mainly to see Edge. And then Edge got hurt because Kane dressed up like a New Orleans booby and Edge got hurt because he stubbed his toe or something.

Next week on the web, I found out that Khali was crowned champ and Kane and Batista were going to face him at the PPV. Yay.

I don't know if Edge should have taken time off after his ladder match with Jeff. Did WWE told him to gut it out until Night of Champions so that Legacy could get a credible win over a credible tag team and become credible champions?

It's 2009, but wrestling has still some ancient rhetoric about it. Personally I would like to see Edge heal up and be off of television. I was concerned last year when Kurt Angle was being busted up daily and I was afraid that he was going to break his already-broken neck inside the ring. I dare say tag Christian with Jericho (yeah, I said it) at Night of Champions.

@AbsurdMcKinley: I've got small trolls in my intestines! You have no idea what it is like! - Matt Hardy

You're right, I don't know what's it is like. And I don't pretend that I know the sacrifice while I am wolfing down yet another Triple Stacker from Burger King.

One gets the sense that there is often an uneasy relationship between fans and wrestlers. I'm guessing that there are wrestlers out there who appreciate the support, but I'm guessing that the vibe is this: "I gotta go out and perform in front of these low-IQ morons again? All they do is complain and bitch."

I remember reading the "special section" of Mick Foley's first book (when it was released in paperback) and Foley complaining about how they were fans were everywhere, at their front door and while they were taking a crap.

The problem with Twitter is that people don't know when to shut up. Also you can't make any money off of Twitter. I am paid by KFC and Stacker 2 to appear to be "youthful, edgy, and hip" in order to brainwash people into buying products. It's true.

-Cryme Tyme talked about how they were Flintstone G's: "We make the bed rock." Ha ha. I don't get it. They were scoping out Layla's booty on a safari hunt. And they are on the lookout for wankstas.

Uh oh, coz. Check your 6. White bread coming down your way. The former Jesse of the mentally challenged Kane Jr. (seriously, WWE will put Festus as Kane 2.0 when Glen Jacobs decides to retire from torturing wrestlers).

The high creative point of the "wanksta" joke was 2003. The band "The Offspring" had "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)", making fun of wankstas. 50 Cent released "Wanksta", presumably to piss off yet another rapper. Jamie Kennedy did "Malibu's Most Wanted," where he played a Wanksta. From this the public consensus is that the "Wanksta" joke is pretty much done.

Guess who's wanksta in 2009? Jesse.

Of course, here's Jesse dressing up like John Cena or The Miz. That was my first reaction: "Hey, it's the Miz! They're burying him even more! No, it's Cena!" Cena could have done the exact same promo Jesse did and Cryme Tyme would have had tears in their eyes: "Remember that night when we trashed JBL's limo? Man, that was something special."

@AbsurdMcKinley: It's for the kids, man. You're just jealous. You wish you were a wrestler. -Jesse

You mean the pain, the sacrifice, the backstabbing, the constant travel, the fishbowl-like atmosphere of pressure, not knowing who to trust, the injuries, no unions, no guarantees of making it, and the high point of my career as dressing up as a chicken? No thanks.

In "Malibu's Most Wanted," the wanksta is picked up by two brothers, who themselves are wankstas (they are actually classically trained actors in the movie but they play off like they are gangstahs...one of them is Tyrese and the other dude played the screeching nerd in the first Transformers movie). Cryme Tyme are wankstas themselves! I'm guessing that a WWE writer took a look at this movie in his Netflix and went, "Hey, what a great idea! I'm ripping it off! Finger on the pulse, that's me!"

See y'all later. Tomorrow I got to take a urine test for a job application. Anybody got a spare urinator? Maybe I'll hit up Mr. Kennedy while we're playing video games.

(credit to badgerherald.com, merch.com and moviecitygeek.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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