By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

Note: Shane's column was scheduled to run on June 8. Following is his review of the July 6 Raw.

-In case you missed it, this is what WWE's Taylor Reks looks like:

He's one ugly mother trucker.

WWE hired that surfer dude in order to remake "Predator" starring John Cena. You cannot escape The Cena.

@AbsurdMcKinley: Whatever. U hate everything. I gotta scoot, change into clown outfit with cape. Up and away! - Cena

-One of the old wrestling clichés is this: "The irresistible force vs. the immovable object." With Cena vs. Trips at Raw, you got the feeling that the match would end in a draw, seeing how both guys fit the mold of "the guy who never loses."

-I'm also thinking that David Hart Smith needs to grow a beard like Anvil. It's hard to distinguish him from Ted DiBiase, Jr.

-Speaking about Ted DiBiase Jr, he had a nice night with good promos, a serviceable match with Randy Orton, and slapping Old Money upside his head. DiBiase vs. Orton was a treat. DiBiase has the "look" of a main event talent.

-Loved the line about how Ted DiBiase loathed Dusty Rhodes. I'm hoping that they keep with old WWE legends being General Managers, as I love watching old DiBiase matches.

-I don't get why brothers getting upset over each other in WWE has to be this tremendous, earth-shattering deal. They are laying the groundwork for the evil Carlito to return (perhaps even with his evil goatee), but I don't care about Primo and I don't care about Carlito. Remember when you guys spit in JoMizzy's food? When you had the Bella twins as girlfriends? Y'all just a couple of chumps now.

-MVP vs. Swagger? Good enough. You see, WWE is trying out this thing where they botch up their first attempt (Swagger accepting a ten-count victory, ECW's last show) so that they can lower your standards. Thus the next time when it's a fraction bit better, we all applaud and go, "well, that wasn't so bad!"

-Cena's new color scheme is the one of a John Deere product. So yep, Cena is admitting that he's a big ol' tool. As a wrestling fan a big part is suspending disbelief, but Cena's new outfit is his dumbest one yet. Come on, guys! You're not going far enough! Get a John Deere compact tractor for Cena to ride into the ring! The WWE Universe will be buying John Deere tractors by the buttload!

The next Cena outfit should be fire hydrant red mixed in with school bus yellow: "Dah dah dah dah fighting for the right of every man I'm a real American fight for your rights fight for your life dah dah dah."

-People like Maryse. Maryse vs. Mickie James at Night of Champions is serviceable, but I was enjoying not having to pay to see a women's match on PPV. And now at Night of Champions I'll probably get two.

-I'm fine with WWE having an "All Submissions" PPV. WWE PPVs are like every three weeks now. And when the matches are boring and the storylines are crap, sometimes an over-arching gimmick is needed. Let's face it, "The Bash" needed a gimmick like how Jeff Jarrett needs to convey that he's remotely mortal.

WWE will pump it up the fact that the gimmick PPV happens only "once a year." It's like being invited to a crappy Christmas party. You got to pay $40 because the s--- only happens once a year. You, sitting at home, at work, or in Kane's torture basement have seen this coming.

-WWE is keeping "Cyber Sunday." What, "Annihilation" might upset some people? I want "Full Metal Jacket" as a damn wrestling PPV name. Screw Kubrick and his weird films. Just think: "Oh, I'm going to order...WWE FULL METAL JACKET." Maybe WWE can call it "Fuller Metal Jacket" to avoid lawsuits.

WWE right now with changing their PPV's names to be more family friendly and in general their content...it reminds me of that Simpsons joke, where Krusty the clown is informed by some legal lady that he can't say "whiz" (e.g. "I got to take a whiz really badly") on television because it might upset the Cheese Whiz people.

-The one wrestling PPV that I will not buy out of principle alone would be WWE's "Hell in A Cell," which would have presumably every frickin match be under "Hell in a Cell" rules. If that was true, no thanks.

The main objective of every PPV is to get the maximum number of buys. To the casual viewer, the allure of every match being "Hell in A Cell" sounds like a good deal. But it would be like watching a WWE's Hell in a Cell DVD. These types of matches are good in small doses. But I can't sit through three hours of Hell in a Cell wackiness.

And you know what this concept doesn't need? Crap matches. Like Bossman vs. Undertaker, Big Bossman vs. Al Snow, or DX vs. The McMahons and Big Show. (These have taken place inside the Hell in the Cell.)

These types of matches are supposed to be remembered for guys like Undertaker, Triple H, and Mick Foley, not some mid-card chumps. Plus the match itself is ideally the only concept match WWE has left (Last Man Standing matches and the 3 Stages of Hell matches have all been "kiddiesized") that are designed for blood feuds that are violent and gruesome.

-Speaking about gruesome, I would like to see a video package on the fall of Big Show. He has hit rock bottom. After being made to be a chump by Cena, he's interjected himself into the Kofi vs. Evan Bourne match because he realized that he's grasping at straws. Next time you see Show, give him a bottle of Jimmy Bean. He'll cry a little and thank you. He's got the blues so bad. He can't get no lower uh huh.

-Evan Bourne kind of reminds me of a sub-boss who is like only 20 years old, yet owns you, low-level employee. Talks to you like ECW's Tiffany and thinks that it's amazing that you graduated from junior high.

-I'm thinking that people would stop complaining that ECW G.M. Tiffany talks to them like whittle children if Tiffany busted out some lingerie.

-SciFi Network is now called "SyFy" in an apparent effort to kill brain cells. They were already doing an admirable job with their regular programming.

(credit to amcop.blogspot.com, blogcdn.com and s.bebo.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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