By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Go where you want to
Do the things you feel
Walk around with a broken leg
And a hundred-dollar bill"
-"Hollow Log" by Beck

-Imagine, instead of a direct deposit of lots and lots of money, guys like John Cena and Randy Orton had to wait two hours at Vince's table to get paid at the end of Raw. They get handed an envelope with their names misspelled with a cool $20 inside it. That's if they don't get scammed. "Hey, this is monopoly money!"

-I still have no idea who Dakota Fanning is, Seth Green. I'm just relieved you weren't eaten by a wrestler.

-At least WWE is getting hosts who have actually watched WWE this decade. I keep wondering when the time is gonna come when Monday Night Raw will resemble Triple A baseball games. Free bobble head night. Everybody has to wrestle in a Hawaiian shirt. Crazy hat day. It's only a matter of time.

-I'm liking how Mr. Kennedy is doing his wacky videos in ordered to get hired. I too wanted to get hired by WWE. I sent them this video clip.



-Tune into the next Raw, where Big Show will talk to ZZ top about how he lost his virginity at the age of 11 to classic, mature, family-friendly ZZ Top songs like "Woke Up With Wood" and "Pearl Necklace." Ho ho ha ha.

-Speaking about ZZ Top, they should play "36-22-36" while scantily clad women squirt each other with water guns. "Shane, you sexist pig, how dare you..." Let's face the facts, people. The fact that they're putting two women matches at Night of Champions is an obligation, not really something a lot of fans want to see. Sure, they've got Maryse and McCool, but in large part the Women's division in WWE is twiddling their thumbs until somebody poses for Playboy again. Then WWE will devote a 20 minute segment of unveiling the Playboy cover and Lawler talking about how he's "excited" and so forth.

-Yes indeedy, Mark Henry has punked out Randy Orton and Chris Jericho, two of the top WWE heels. One can see Mark Henry in his "I'm a good guy and boy, am I hungry" face role facing off against the likes of ... Carlito. Did Miz needed to be interjected in the Carlito-Primo feud? Not really. Ah, poor Miz.

-Whenever WWE trots out Hornswoggle vs. Chavo for the 2,000th time I am reminded of Ring of Honor and how much more appealing it sounds. Odd.

-I'm guessing that WWE feels that nobody will care about Kofi Kingston vs. Evan Bourne at the PPV, so they put in Big Show's gigantic ass in there. The feud is like this: Kofi and Evan are having a "Harry Potter" themed Birthday party. The mean bully Show crashes the party because he's desperate for attention and eats up all the cake. Then they drag it out for four weeks and they promote that they're going to tussle. $5 per person to see the fight. Pay up, Jimmy.

-WWE: "Look! '12 Rounds' is the #1 DVD in America! How about them apples!" Well, duh. It's John Cena. Maybe now WWE will finally realize that many people are too embarrassed to see their films in movie theaters.

-There are two groups of people: People who can get past Zack Ryder's outfit and those who have conniptions when they see his one-legged outfit. I'm in the latter group. Nelly couldn't rock that and still be perceived as cool. Ryder looks like some '80s reject. I feel the same way about Sheamus. I'm trying to be open, but the very-white-guy is hard to take seriously.

-Guys like Ryder and Ricky Ortiz are becoming serviceable in their respective roles.

-ECW fans are hungry for a new babyface after the departure of Evan Bourne. Yoshi is fine, but pretty standard.

-Liked that ECW commercial of Evan Bourne. Sorry folks, Bourne is on Raw. But you're happy with T. Reks, right?

-ECW doesn't have main events anymore. Smackdown rolls out its main events around 1:30 out of their two hour show. By contrast, lately it seems that ECW is embarrassed by their main events. Hell, I thought the "Raw Recap" was the main event.

- So WWE renamed "Cyber Sunday" to "Bragging Rights?" They should have called it "SpongeBob's Square Off" for their main demographic. That darn show is hugely popular.

-If you think about lasting impact, think about Gorgeous George. People are still talking about his character and it's been about 50 years. A lot of times wrestlers are "rip-offs" or "copy-offs." For example, Hulk Hogan could be seen as a rip-off of "Superstar" Billy Graham.

-Speaking about Billy Graham, he's selling his Hall of Fame ring. Don't blame him. For how much WWE likes to believe in the Hall of Fame, it's not nearly as prestigious as the Bass Fishing Hall of Fame. Maybe it's the crappy award plaque they handed out. The fact that the Hall of Fame exists only in our minds. Or the rings that look like Vince called up those companies who sell rings to High School Students. "Instead of a dragon or a football helmet, I want you to put the WWE logo on it. Jewel? Get me the cheapest one you got."

Comparison:

Here is the WWE's 2009 Hall of Fame ring.




And here is the NFL's 2009 Super Bowl ring.




I apologize WWE. I know that you blew your cash on those arm-wrestling stands in 2008. Those things ain't cheap.

-"Hey, Mysterio. Great job. The Intercontinental Title has a lot of prestige to it. By the way, do you know who the United States Champion is? It's MVP, right? Or Shelton Benjamin? Anyways, before you head down to AAA to face off against El Cato or whatever, we're asking you to put over Kurt Russell."

I'm happy as a pig in you-know-what for the push of Dolph Ziggler. Whenever I heard "Dolph" I think of Dolph Lundgren. "Ziggler" makes me think he's Swedish and wears wooden clogs or something.

-Turns out Brock Lesnar isn't too bright...



-Parents, if you're having trouble with getting them little tykes to sleep, mention the card for WWE's Night of Champions. They'll fall fast asleep.

(credit to ngepress.com and wwedaily.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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