By Lee Stevens, Torch specialist

Thank you for joining me as we put Raw "Under The Microscope." Just as a reminder, this is not a complete recap of Monday's show. Instead, it's a closer, usually offbeat, look at the broadcast.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...I'm sorry I must have dozed off

For the record, I was a fan. I wanted a long beard, I wanted the sunglasses, and I wanted to learn how to spin a guitar. I certainly wanted the females that apparently came with the long beard, sunglasses, and ability to spin a guitar. From "Gimme All Your Lovin" and "Legs" to "Sharp Dressed Man" and even "Sleeping Bag," ZZ Top was incredible. Of course, that was in the early '80s. In the middle of 2009, this was likely the weakest guest host night of the short experiment.

The show started with the reminder that the "Rock-n-Roll Hall-of-Famers, ZZ Top are in charge of Raw." The group went into the Hall in 2004, along with Jackson Browne, The Dells, George Harrison, Prince, Bob Seger, and Traffic.

While the special guest host was billed as "ZZ Top," true fans will know that it was actually two-thirds of ZZ Top as Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons hosted on Monday night. Nowhere to be found was their drummer, who considering ZZ Top's trademark facial hair is ironically named Frank Beard.

It's all relative

Although the Santino Marella jam sessions with ZZ Top eventually overstayed their welcome, the first segment provided some entertainment as Santino butchered the singers names in his usual fashion. Billy Gibbons became Dusty Gibbons and Dusty Hill was Billy Hill to Marella. Even better, Santino leaned in and said, "Billy Hill, big fan...of your cousin Benny too," a long overdue piece of recognition for the great British funnyman Benny Hill.

Hill, of the appropriately named Benny Hill Show, was known for his slapstick antics, sight gags and his "Hill's Angels," which were scantily clad women who would often find their minimal wardrobe disappearing by the end of a segment. Hill died in 1992. If you're familiar with his show, we shall now commence patting a bald guy on the head in honor of Mr. Hill.

It's called a squared circle. It's very confusing.

As Legacy planned yet another ill-fated attack strategy, John Cena patiently waited in the middle of the ring. As Randy Orton covered one exit, Cody Rhodes took another side and Ted DiBiase, Jr. covered yet another. At that moment, Michael Cole insisted that the situation was dire, commenting "And Cena is surrounded." As a public service, I would like to remind everyone that squares have four sides. Rectangles have four sides too, so if you're ever standing in the middle of one of these shapes and three people, who have famous fathers, are chasing you, you are not technically surrounded, until they get a fourth person. Manu, where are you when we need you?

TNA wrestlers will need five fans to surround someone.

If you chase someone into a hexadecagon, you better be really popular.

It's not attitude, it's altitude.

After Triple H came to the ring to even the odds against Legacy, he enjoyed a few silly moments before he and Cena got serious. They flashed back to last week and how the diminutive Seth Green held his own against Legacy. While they were complimenting Green, they also struggled to find the right comparison for his size. Finally, Cena offered that Green was "the size of a hobbit."

One of the most famous hobbits would be Frodo from "Lord of the Rings," portrayed by Elijah Wood. According to IMDB.com, Wood is listed at 5'6", while Green comes in at 5'4". The pair also compared Green to Hornswoggle who allegedly is 4'5".

It's good to be the King

Whenever you hear that a wrestler is from "Memphis, Tennessee," it usually means that Jerry Lawler will be stepping through the ropes again, just as he did Monday night. As The Brian Kendrick complained about the announcers treatment of him, Lawler appeared to suddenly make a match with Kendrick to put him in his place.

If the guest hosts are in charge of Raw and they are the only ones who can make matches and Lawler made a match with Kendrick, without objection from anyone in the back, that must mean...

Jerry Lawler is in ZZ Top? That is so cool.

Seriously, how much time would it have taken to have ZZ Top on camera saying to Kendrick that if he wants to fight the announcers, he will actually have to fight one of the announcers? I guess that would have taken away time from Santino's beard. My apologies.

Stop being such a heel

Lawler did put Edge's recent injury into proper context as he shared the story of someone he knew and the long rehabilitation. "A friend suffered a torn Achilles...he's never been the same."

Although several athletes have returned from similar injuries with great success, every case is different. NFL player Cory Raymer and Jon Jansen returned close to form after ruptured Achilles. Perhaps the most interesting case was pro volleyball player Misty May-Treanor. The Olympian ruptured her Achilles tendon during rehearsals for "Dancing with the Stars." Although she plans to return to volleyball, there are no plans to return for the foxtrot.

Oh, snap!

In the same general anatomical neighborhood, the announcers reflected on Mark Henry's ankle, reminding us that "Henry broke that ankle about 12 years ago."

The "World's Strongest Man" has been weakened by several injuries during the last two decades, with a back injury during the 1996 Summer Olympics in Atlanta, plus shoulder, knee, and ankle injuries while in WWE, including a fairly dramatic knee injury during a six-man tag match during Saturday Night's Main Event.

and don't get me started on your Mom.

While Legacy took great delight in mocking the playing career of Chris Jericho's father, Jericho enjoyed the final word. Legacy insisted that Jericho's Dad, Ted Irvine, was basically keeping the bench from flying up in the air, Irvine actually played 15 years in the NHL, mostly for the New York Rangers. He scored 154 goals and 331 total points in his career.

Jericho got his verbal revenge with numbers, although he wasn't quoting hockey statistics. Instead, he went after Legacy's heritage, boasting "I've had more titles than you and your fathers combined." Bragging like that deserves a closer look.

Generally, WWE recognizes WWE titles. From time to time, especially with Hall of Fame inductions, they will acknowledge regional championships and lately with the purchase of WCW and some of the video vaults of other federations, they have expanded their reach when dealing with accolades. For this discussion, we can only assume from Jericho's typical arrogance that he is referring to titles worthy of his stature as "the best at what I do."

With that in mind, let's do the math.

Ted DiBiase Sr.--WWF North American Heavyweight Championship + three Tag Team Titles and I'll even toss in a pair of Million Dollar Championships for the fun of it

Ted DiBiase Jr.--Add two more Tag Titles for the DiBiase section of the ledger

Dusty Rhodes--Three World Titles, NWA TV Title, two World TV Titles, US Title, a pair of Six-Man Tag Belts

Cody Rhodes--Adds three Tag Titles to the mix, including an extra one with Hardcore Holly

A rough estimate from Legacy extended gives us a total of 20. If you count Dusty's run in Florida, he has more titles than Blockbuster.

Chris Jericho--nine I-C Championships, five different Tag Team reigns and five World Titles. In WCW, he also held the TV titles once and The Cruiserweight Championship four times, bringing his total to 24.

Again, the numbers are rough. Please understand that I know about DiBiase's titles in Georgia and Rhodes's championships in Florida. I also know what you did in Vegas, but you don't see me including that either. Let's move on.

What it is, what it's not

Mickie James put the proper prospective on the upcoming pay-per-view and her feelings for Maryse as she reminded everyone that "it's Night of Champions, not Night of Trampions."

-- For those with low potassium, I'm afraid it's also not "Night of Leg Crampions"
-- Postage fans will have to wait for "Night of Stampions"
-- To the unfortunate ones who suffer from involuntary fluid loss while sleeping, it is not "Night of My Shorts Are Suddenly Dampions"

It's "Night of Champions." Although I'm sure the last one has been a pay-per-view at one time.

The People Have Spoken...and they're wearing beards

Thank you to everyone who voted in this week's Raw Microscope poll. With ZZ Top sharing time with Raw Superstars, it seemed appropriate to include their song titles in the selections this week. I was very surprised that "Tush" didn't get more votes and I was fully prepared to discuss Tushes, the Good (Divas), the Bad (Vince McMahon's "Kiss My Ass" Club), and the Ugly (Rikishi's butt bump among others), but I appreciate democracy and the winner is "Legs."

Moving south from our other choice, we stop off at "Legs." The song itself was featured on ZZ Top's "Eliminator" album and reached #8 on the charts in 1984. The video for the song won the MTV Award for Best Group Video. One of the women featured in the video is Jeana Tomasino, a former Playboy Playmate who was recently seen on "Real Housewives of Orange County" and was married to Oakland A's pitcher Matt Keough. She also appeared in the videos for "Gimme All Your Lovin,'" "Sharp Dressed Man," and "Sleeping Bag."

The album title shares a name with a famous tag team as Perry Saturn and John Kronus won three ECW Tag Team Titles as the Eliminators a decade after the album's release. The team was forced to split in 1997 when Saturn suffered a leg injury. More accurately it was an ACL injury, but we're talking about "Legs."

Kid Rock performed a cover version of the song in 2002 for one of WWE's most famous set of legs, which belonged to Stacy Keibler. Keibler was a Nitro Girl in WCW and has appeared on "Dancing With the Stars" and has received considerable attention for her 42 inch legs.

Probably the only person in WWE to ever be more known for that particular body part was Zach Gowen, who succeeded despite being classified in the singular of our category. Gowen lost his leg after battling cancer at the age of eight, yet still rose to the level of WWE in 2003, plus several stints in TNA. His time in WWE was marked by an affiliation with Hulk Hogan, who was hiding under a mask as Mr. America at the time. Of course, Hogan is well-known for his finishing maneuver, a leg drop.

Oscar Pistorius is known as "the fastest man on no legs" as he is a double amputee world record holder in the 100, 200, and 400-meter dash. He fought to be allowed to compete in the 2008 Summer Olympic Games and although he was eventually ruled eligible, he did not qualify.

"Legs" is also the title of a 1975 novel, written by William Kennedy. The book tells of the life of Jack "Legs" Diamond, the bootlegger and gangster, who earned his nickname because of how well he could elude capture by members of both sides of the law. His most-famous mistress also was known for her legs as he spent quality of time with dancer Marion "Kiki" Roberts. An animated short in "Monty Python's Flying Circus" features a gangster chicken with the name of "Eggs" Diamond.

Some final interesting notes from the animal kingdom. Many species are classified by the number of legs, including unipeds, bipeds, quadrupeds, and quinpeds. Incidentally, some animals are named after the number of their legs, but it's not entirely accurate. Many centipedes have less than 100 legs and millipedes typically have fewer than the 1,000 that their name would suggest.

Now, by request, before Santino Marella joined the group, it's ZZ Top.



Now on with the countdown.

Lee Stevens examines Raw and Smackdown with "Under The Microscope." He misses the comments section. E-mail him at GLStevens.Torch@gmail.com

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