By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Your arms too short to box with God
I don't kill soloists only kill squads"
-"You're The Man" by Nas

-TNA: "Huh? Huh? Weren't you excited about Taz joining TNA? Doesn't that just make you lose your minds?"

Well, uh, not really. You see, the original ECW was a long, long time ago. It wasn't last year. It was last decade. He's Taz. He's Mr. FTW. But I'm not sure why I'm supposed to do cartwheels over the arrival of a color commentator who was calling Kung Fu Naki matches over on Smackdown.

Maybe Mr. FTW will teach Joe songs that he used to sing while broadcasting ("oldies but goodies"). An Impact could feature Taz and Joe decked out in flair belting out "Ain't no mountain high enough ain't no river low enough," Just like how Bob Hope and Bing Crosby use to wow audiences with singing and dancing. Have a nice little comedy team going. Imagine Taz and Joe singing their little hearts out: "Under the boardwalk, down by the sea on a blanket with my baby is where I'll be."

Impact started off with Mr. FTW coming down with his adorable "FTW" logo. That FTW logo kind of looks like the Oakland Raiders logo, which is a real bad omen, considering that the Raiders stink. This is what TNA handed Taz to say:

SAY DIS AND MENTION ECW A LOT EVEN DOUGH HEYMAN HATES US SAY WWE SUX PAPA VINCE SUX AND DON'T GET IN WAY OF STACKER 2 LOGO THEY PAY BIG BUX THX - "Da Mysterious TNA Management."

Yeah, you're probably right. They probably didn't even bother to prepare Taz's promo. Like with most things in TNA, they probably just said, "Eh, just go out there and make things up."

In case you missed it, this is what how the Taz promo went down:

"Hey! I'm here. You might have seen me at Victory Road. I helped Joe defeat Sting...wait, bro, am I face? Heel? Doesn't matter? Okay...You might have remembered me back in 1998 in ECW (hold for editing while crowd chants "ECW" like confused followers of an extinguished religion).

Then I spent some time in WWE, or as I like to call it, the "Guantanamo Bay" of professional wrestling. That place was a hellhole ma, even though I signed a contract that paid me. Let me tell you bro, that place was a big fart on my career (hold for editing while crowd chants "Big fart" gleefully).

Then during one Thursday night I caught onto TNA when they were having Booker fight Ref Shane Sewell. And I thought, "'Taz, old buddy, you need to get on this rocket.' Oh, by the way, ice cream is great." (hold for editing while crowd chants "Ice Cream" happily).

So Taz is the "mentor" of Joe. That's all Joe needs to push him over the top and to control his anger. A mentor. Apparently they're having Joe go against Homicide for the X Division Championship. They gave a grand total of five seconds of hype into Homicide's win. And Joe was World Champion back in 2008. This makes sense, right? Joe doesn't need a mentor. Joe needs a better booking staff. And I dare say to lose a few pounds. Maybe he should start dating...Jenny Craig! Ho ho ha ha my insides are hurting! Ha! Thanks Mr. Washington!

-What I remember most about ECW was not necessarily the hardcore wrestling or the underdog vibe it had against WCW and WWE, what I remember most about Heyman's ECW was the crowd. Especially their chants, their involvement.

-I would like to see Hernandez a/k/a Super Mex go against Joe. Nice touch with making sure that Impact doesn't always start with a MEM talkathon (I find myself at times struggling not to fast-forward those parts).

-"Hey, isn't Red vs. Kevin Nash for the Legends championship unique? Isn't it fresh?" Well, yeah, but one can classify TNA's two-minute ladder matches as "unique." Uniquely stupid. Does Red need to be treated as a jobber, considering his athleticism? No. He's just another faceless dude with no personality stuck doing quick matches.

-So the best tag team Mick Foley can think up to square off against Steiner and Booker for the tag titles is...Rocco and Big Sally? Makes zero sense. Sorry, I don't get a chubby out of watching chubbies flail around in the ring. I know that y'all got this great master plan and all, but you still got to put out matches that, you know, people want to see. Somehow watching two bodyguards chumps doesn't cut it...plus you've got to watch Rocco and Sally Boy as well. Ugh.

-You can see it now. Just like the old NWO, it seems that MEM is picking up members until there's going to be at least 30 of them. Traci Brooks and Kevin Nash getting chummy together? Traci Brooks is considerably hotter than Sharmell and Jenna put together. Also news is that they're having Tara and Kong go at it. Perhaps they're looking to recapture Gail Kim vs. Kong.

-A.J. Styles talks about how the "Frontline" dropped the ball. Then win. Do something about it. Seems that all I get from these chumps is them whining about how much they suck.

-Eric Young continues with his heel push. Will it go anywhere important? Probably not. But, by contrast, I care about EY more than I care about Kane showing up on a Khali's kiss cam segment with a chair.

-TNA is putting all their eggs into Lashley vs. MEM. Jarrett and Sting are apparently gone (until they come back when TNA has run out of ideas and we all lose our minds).

-Man, Mick Foley. He's like the complete opposite of Lashley. Lashley is jacked and stacked to the gills. Foley is in constant danger of falling to the floor. Lashley dresses nice. Lately, Foley's looking like one of those Grateful Dead's fans. Lashley can't cut promos. Foley cuts hella good promos, mixing it up with passion, absurdity, and TV shows references that even Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane wouldn't touch.

Bobby Lashley has got the sizzle, but doesn't really have the substance. Would I rather watch a Lashley match over a Batista match? Yep. Some satisfaction in possibly watching Lashley destroy MEM. We'll see how it goes.

-On the WWE side concerning Superstars, that was one hell of a match between Evan Bourne and Jamie Noble. Bourne vs. John Morrison. Bourne vs. Rey Mysterio. Bourne vs. Matt Hardy. Great matches. Bourne became the reason to watch ECW. So what's with the chump booking? Makes you want to slap a WWE drone upside the head.

-Ric Flair calling Bret Hart a piss-ant? Now I need this match for the main event of Survivor Series...training montages...I'm talking Rocky IV baby...

-See y'all later. Keep your rims spinning and your vodka martinis dry, players.

(credit to nelsonguirado.com, foxnews.com, coolwaterspords.com and th03.deviant.net for pic)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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