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ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - TNA Impact: Nervous About Super Mex's Future, Eric Young's Evil X Division Chumps, Dixie Carter says "Off With Their Heads"
Aug 2, 2009 - 3:30:46 PM
By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist
"Every corner creeping panic
Freak lighting in her abstract mind
Rubber stamps and dreams of cash flow
Wild blood ecstatic crime
Radios play nothing when she's far away
TV antenna rusting gone to waste"
-"Antenna" by Sonic Youth
-Oh, Dixie. One day - ten years from now - when TNA has toppled WWE and the NFL, we will look back at these early years of TNA fondly.
-A tactic used in wrestling is to put an interesting feud under a burner and warm it up (for example, Punk vs. Hardy is a raging wildfire right now). While many people enjoyed Super Mex vs. Joe and it gave one hell of a push for Hernandez, you have to wonder if that match would be better suited for a PPV.
But then again, nobody watches TNA PPVs anymore. You see, TNA is cutting-edge. The new breed of wrestling. Where they shoot themselves in the foot. But, nah, we should be excited about this Hernandez push.
On a completely unrelated note, one of those chaps from the British Invasion has possession (because, as Don West tells me, possession is 9/10ths of the law) of Super Mex's Money in the Bank/Feast or Fired briefcase. You want to know how long they've dragged this MITB briefcase for Hernandez? Nine months. Yep, that makes me feel secure about what they have in store for Super Mex.
-Kudos to TNA giving video packages to Morgan and Styles before their match, making it feel important. Compare this to how Victory Road went down and it's baffling. They know how to execute, but they are wildly inconsistent. Matt Morgan was dominating A.J. Styles so much that during one point the match resembled a squash. Nice touch with Styles's 450 splash.
-All I could think during Eric Young's "We're evil X Division Chumps and we're pissed off" was cough medicine. His speaking voice makes me want to punch a baby. I'm being unreasonable. I don't know what Young should do. Perhaps remove his larynx? Use a voice box like old-school Kane? Actually that would make him sound worse.
Anyways, World Elite is a group that Team 3D is squaring off against, considering how those British blokes won those Japan belt buckles. I liked it better when Team 3D was trying to destroy the X Division. And succeeded.
- Motor City Machine Guns are playing up their "this job sucks and we don't want to work here" angle. Again. Remember your teenage job and you worked with slackers? Go back to that same job and guess what? Those slackers are still here, bitching about their job. Awful.
-Impact was the perfect example of a good first hour (except from Bobby Lashley a.k.a. Barry Bonds jawing with MEM) and a horrendous second hour.
-Gee, TNA, does wrestling really need bounties? Stevie putting a $50,000 bounty on Abyss? That's chump change. Where's Daffney, TNA? Or do I have to hurt you with a gimmick taser and make smoke come out of your chests? Hell, if I put a taser to Traci Brooks's chest there will be a titanic explosion that leaves a massive crater where the Impact Zone used to stand.
-It was pretty funny that Jenna got upset at "journalists" for her crap match. Kane vs. Khali will not be Steamboat vs. Savage, but it will at least serve a purpose. Jenna vs. Sharmell served no purpose other than to make people wish that there was a commercial break during a friggin PPV. And, oh yeah, there's the "we didn't plop money to see this crap." I know, we're so demanding. It's like if you pay a girl to give you a lap dance and instead she hits you in the head with a baseball bat. I didn't pay for that!
-My goodness, they are still pushing that Jesse Neal angle even when everybody and their parole officer don't give a crap about that anymore.
-Dixie Carter resembled "Bloody Mary" with her house-cleaning. Off with their heads! Apparently Jeff Jarrett is free to visit adult karaoke bars now. Scary thing is that the future of TNA programming is uncertain. I still remember those "Shark Boy in a coma" skits. Shudder. Will Vince Russo madness reign supreme? Lord help us!
-See you next Impact, where Barry Bonds and his dumpy BALCO supplier Legends Champion will take on MEM for one-half of the X Division Championship in a "Tighty-Whities Terror" match. Poorly executed ref incompetence? That's the new wave of wrestling, folks. Making you feel like a chump for watching.
(credit to fredsplace.org, minnpost.com and ecx.images-amazon.com for pics)
•New for September 2010 - the Torch Today "Daily News at a Glance"... If you've got 25 seconds, we've boiled the news of the day down to 250 words. Check it out every day at 5 p.m. ET or bookmark the listing. Appointment reading for the wrestling fan who doesn't want to miss anything, but doesn't have much time.
