By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Saint Judas came up to D.C.
He'd been down in Georgia for a while
He drove a 944
He bought with the soul
Of a blonde-headed kid
With a left-handed guitar
Now he's lookin' for me
Citizen C-O-P-E
Sign the dotted line please
For the fake 50's
Now Judas answer me
"Since I was the age to speak
Haven't you been listening?"
Salvation"
-"Salvation" by Citizen Cope

-Questions arise from this Raw: How low will Raw sink in order to get chummy with the "outside media world?" Answer: pretty low. Monday Night Raw should have been renamed "Monday Night Goods" for all of that damn airplay that movie got. I swear, I thought the main event was an Ed Helms video package. Raw needs salvation in terms of quality, and it cannot be soley done by special guest hosts that are burning people out.

Another question arises: Why was Dr. Ken sucking on an ecstasy pacifier during a PG show? If he wasn't getting high, then a grown man was sucking on a pacifier for the hell of it? Or was it a Ring pop? I'm so confused.

-I know a lot of people who read the Internet reports and then watch Raw from their TiVo. They can't stomach watching the show from start to finish. While Shaq last week had bits worth tuning into for, Piven was a pathetic puss bag in his job ("4th of July!") and made his bits instant throwaways.

-In advertising there is such a thing as "audience burnout." It will cause me great joy to see "The Goods" bomb at the theaters considering the insane amount of plugs by those two with big s--- eating grins.

You can't blame Piven for the whole "Summerfest" deal. That's what WWE is going to call it now. Nah, Piven probably didn't even know what day or month it was. It's a warm feeling to watch somebody who gives the impression that he couldn't care less about being on Tuesday Night Nitro or whatever the hell it's called. Guess him and Dr. Ken were too busy peeing on girls backstage in a drunken frenzy rather to learn the name of the second biggest WWE PPV of the year. Should people even bother buying wrestling PPVs nowadays?

-There was a Letterman skit recently involving an audience member wondering out aloud if he was watching a re-run. I felt that way with the main event of Cena-Miz. At least Miz didn't tap out to Cena. Nah, he just got pinned after an easy fight. People will remember the Cena-Miz feud as a lost opportunity and an annoying tactic used in the "Raw Summer of Stupidity of 2009."

-During Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger, it was pretty sad when the overhead fan above the ring was louder than the audience. MVP helping out his little buddy Bourne because he's a good guy is random garbage. The prospect of Bourne and MVP vs. Swagger and Chris Masters in a four-minute throwaway is junk. The Raw mid-card is lost in the forest of confusion. Just shut up with all of this plugging and lame junk in wrestling. I don't want sit-down interviews and I don't want mindless action that has zero significance.

-They're teasing Shaq vs. Show, which, in itself, is average. I've already got a probable big man match with Khali vs. Kane at Summerjam. Perhaps Shaq can be Cryme Tyme's "Big Daddy" at Summerfun.

-Jeremy Piven doing his cheesy "I'm going to face the camera and plug my movie" was the equivalent of him whipping out his shriveled Johnson and whacking me in the face of it while pointing out the fact that the total of my yearly income is what he uses to buy diamond-encrusted toilets.

-I'm pretty sure that they are just showing re-runs of Raw Divas matches nowadays. Replace the Divas with robots and you'll save a lot of air travel.

-Sad observation #2: Ted and Cody winning their handicap match over Trips was considered to be a shock. I rewound when Trips got pinned for the three. Did I just see that? Trips teased that DX was coming back to a lukewarm reaction. What, no overpowering pop that Trips has to wait for it to die down? Odd.

Maybe it's just the plain fact that the possibility of DX back on Raw at this time is groan-inducing. Why? Raw already has enough hokey comedy crap to fill a space station.

What was interesting about the Trips promo was his "Batista is frail and Flair is busy signing autographs in barns or something" quip. Perhaps a seed for Trips vs. HBK (I still feel they should use Trips's WM25 finish...he took the cheap way while HBK went out fighting). Or just perhaps Trips being Trips. Like putting yourself over while speaking at a funeral. But at least it's realistic. There are many athletes out there who will never admit that they lost. No, baby oil was in their eyes or something. And everybody sucks except them.

Meanwhile Ted and Cody couldn't even beat a short Canadian and The Big Slow at Night of Chumps. They need some work to do before they even consider being labeled better than The Spirit Squad if facing DX.

I'm a sucker for a good DX skit (Vince McMahon's "Stand Back,") but lately Raw just has too much damn "happy crappy" on it.

-It's weird that Carlito, with his depressed look and his evil mustache, is coming out to cool music. And it's also weird of how this Carlito-Primo feud was handled. You figure they could have at least gotten a Raw mid-card PPV match out of this. As it stands, you can stick a fork in this feud, it's done.

-They did a slo-mo video replay...of Mark Henry clicking his heels. This hollow bit showed that Mark Henry has discovered how to be happy, and in turn that made me feel like life wasn't a sham. Awww. The world was made a happier place. Oh, hell yes. I'm hoping that they show a video replay of that moment the whole week on WWE programming.

-I'm looking forward to Jericho and The Wookie vs. Cryme Tyme more than Cena vs. Orton. It takes more work that just Orton starring at Cena from the ramp. ("It does? Aw man! You ask too much! Can't you just go with "this feud has history" angle?)

-I think that what happened to Miz tonight was a mercy killing. What's odd is that Miz had two months of great hype...then in seconds became a chump. What's next for Mizzy? Perhaps a move to a new brand. Perhaps he got busted for the Wellness Policy. Or perhaps he's future endeavored for realz because he smiled at Vince McMahon. That's what happened to Paul London.

-Show ended with the bah gawd awful Cena vs. Dr. Ken. Oh, there's Orton. Who's Orton facing again at the main event at Summerwham? It's not the Miz! He's banned from an event in which he wasn't going to be on anyways! Oh no! That's how you get ratings, son!

-There's no use sugar coating it: Raw sucks. If you take away the "special guest host" deal, what's left? A huge stinking pile of garbage that either feels like we're watching the same re-run or inane garbage that manages to be both disappointing and depressing. That's why I'm hoping that this Raw gets low ratings. For it to be some sign to those jackasses over in WWE land that watching this Raw was like shoving wood chips under your nails while a mascot dances in front of you urging you to give him money.

Now, if you excuse me, I have to go clean Piven's diamond-encrusted toilet.

(credit to erowid.org, funbeach.com, tompeters.com and farm4.static.flickr.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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