By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"I used to be an A student
I never used to complain
I used to be a truant
But I'm still the same
Bad bad brain"
-"Bad Brain" by The Ramones

I'm back with a new Absurdity Report because a certain someone has threatened to cut off my little two guys with rusty scissors. I'll give you three guesses for who it is, and the first two guesses don't count (Remember, Bruce Mitchell is the gun-happy one and Wade Keller likes to make people tap out to his "Brazilian Jitzu Screaming Squirrel Death" hold.) Who can it be? Who is Mr. X? Buy Summerfest to find out the answer to this half-baked mystery.

-I don't see WWE ever knocking down the price of wrestling PPVs. I would like to see if they could implement a "pay-for-match," meaning if I just want to see Jeff vs. Punk at Summersham and don't want to see the rest of the card, I would just pay for Jeff vs. Punk online.

-Not sure what's up with Vince telling Teddy he sucks at his job. They brought this "Teddy on the hot seat" again after it was forgotten. If Vince decides to bring in "special guest hosts" on Smackdown, the resounding revolt will be a thing of legend.

-I would have thought Punk would have made fun of the video editor guy for portraying him as a bad guy. "Let's talk about alcoholism," Punk says. Let's not. Guy sounds like a broken record. Smoking and drinking are bad. Real bad. Yawn. Confused crowd boos and chants "Hardy." It's like they are cheering "irresponsibility." I guess Jeff Hardy is the poster boy for sloth, sin, greed, lust, etc.

I am not really enjoying Punk's promos. They tend to drag. It's also a odd feeling that while I agree with Punk's straight-edge persona, hearing the crowd cheer for drinking and weed-smoking is just...depressing. When people boo Punk, in a sense they are booing themselves.

What I'm really enjoying is Punk taking over Orton's heel spot. Weeks ago it was "move over, Jericho." Now it's "move over, Orton, Punk's is WWE #1 heel." A great deal of it has to do with Punk going ape s--- on Jeff. "The Lethal Weapon" destroying Jeff's neck with a chair shot Punk into heel outer space. I am reminded of the film "Taxi Driver" and how the "hero" wants to wipe the scum off of the streets. Yay, a psychotic conservative! Rush Limbaugh would be proud.

Punk knows what to do as a heel. Little things such as not throwing his t-shirt into the crowd, making the EMTs go the other way, taunting "Go help your poster boy, Teddy" and doing the classic heel move of "Wait, I didn't want TLC! Oh no! Not tender loving care! I bet people will buy it to see my face crushed in with a chair!" What I would like to see for the heel character for Punk is how he reacts around somebody who is considered to be a good, "straight-edge" guy. A real saint.

Somebody like...Vince McMahon!

Great quote with "Fix him so that I can break him again." Can they give Punk a deadly submission move that snap bones and make him even more deadly?

-I'm digging Tyson Kidd. He's noisy. Like a Chinese firecracker. Or me in the bathroom after eating Chinese food. Rimshot, please. One more bad joke like that and I'll cut them off! I'm sorry, Mr. X! I won't do it again!

-Slam Master J (get it? Jam Master Jay? Har har). Suppose they feel like they need comedy relief on Smackdown. What, Festus acting mentally challenged doesn't do it? I'm still searching for a reason to watch those "Word Up" segments.

-JTG gets the win of his life over Jericho. I suppose WWE feels that Jericho has enough cred to pick up losses. Did this need to happen? I guess so, even though JTG's offense consists mainly of him launching himself at his opponent and hoping he hits. "Unorthodox" usually means "crap."

-Ricky Ortiz is still carrying around that sad white towel. He uses it to wipe away the tears of failure.

-Truly, Kane dragging Mr. Sideburns to the back was one of the most "shocking and disturbing things we have ever seen on Smackdown."

-Matt Hardy's face looked like a caramel apple. All shiny. Story here was Matt giving Jeff the win. Hmmm.

-Time to me to get some sleepy-weepy. See y'all in a few. Who is the mysterious Mr. X? We may never know...

(credit to triplehunleashed.com, extreme-enigma.info and mtv.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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