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ABSURDITY OF IT ALL Week in Review - Chris Masters and His Old Friend Apathy, Is Raw ready for some Monday Night Football?, Miz to Twitter while Wrestling, Rev. Sharpton to confront Michael Hayes
Aug 9, 2009 - 8:35:13 PM
"Moving back instead of forward seems to me absurd"
-"Eye Of The Beholder" by Metallica
-I went to go see WWE's The Great American Bash (Just "The Rash" now) in 2007. The dark match for the PPV was Chuck Palumbo vs. Chris Masters. Fast-forward two years down the road and guess who is back in WWE? Guess who has become "more aggressive?" (It's what announcers point out when the wrestler himself is a boring turd. Charlie Haas was "aggressive" at one point. And Haas' biggest claim to fame was dressing up like other people).
Chris Masters didn't come back with a new look or a new move. It's just the Masterlock submission hold. "Master Locks" are more exciting than Chris Masters.
-I think Miz should be the first wrestler to tweet on his twitter while wrestling. It would be something brand-spanking new.
-Did WWE pick up Eugene? Have they told him that Santino has already stolen his gimmick? Even the "Hulking Up" bit? "I'm now so angry. You make me so mad!"
-Nice to see the Raw "Guest Host" thing blow up in their faces. Hell, I'll keep trotting out "Summerfest" to remind them of that gah-awful Piven show. News is that Dr. Ken got dropped on his head and is sore about it. Aww. I would feel sympathy, but then again Piven did a cross-body block on Cena just because Piven wants to be a wrestler without sacrificing anything.
Raw better watch out, because Monday Night Football is coming up (my mom has a crush on MNF announcer Jon Gruden). I remember when MNF was on ABC and they had special "guest announcers" from bad ABC shows. Sometimes it was fine, like when George Lopez pointed out that T.O. was a man amongst boys. But mostly it was awful: I don't tune into MNF to hear stars plug their awful shows. I tune into to watch football, not for infomercials inside the show.
And just like what Stephanie tells her cronies, I'm sure that the MNF people during this time told themselves that "people will tune into for the fresh faces." Main problem with Raw right now: the severe watering and dissolution of the actual damn product itself. I'm hoping that this thing ends in...November. (Let's be reasonable.)
-Meanwhile WWE has announced that Freddie Prinze Jr., Bob Barker, and Rev Al Sharpton are slated to be guest hosts. Boy, this lineup...sucks. Freddie will probably plug that the movie "Delgo" is out on DVD (surely you've seen the movie, right?), Rev Al Sharpton will confront Michael Hayes about racial tension, and Bob Barker will plug that you should neuter your pets. Woof.
Out of this sad lineup, the one with the most potential would be Bob Barker. They could do a game where Hornswoggle, Jack Swagger, Kofi Kingston, and Mickie James all try to guess how much a WWE product is worth. Got to sell those DVDs that seemingly come out every Tuesday. Oooh yeah can you dig it? Macho Madness coming at ya.
-On ECW, they keep trotting out Washington Abraham and every time he goes down in flames. You know what I didn't need after Raw? More lame bits. ECW used to be that yummy mint after a Raw crapburger. Now it seems that one hour of content is too much for them. Hell, they are doing Hurricane bits because they ran out of ideas.
-Shelton Benjamin came by my house today. He was sick of me ripping him. Promised me that he was going to mess me up. Then he proceeded to throw legos at me while singing a song about dolphins. "I just wanna hold your hand oh whoa."
There is not a whole lot of outrage about Shelton talking about how he's the baddest mothersmurfer who loves to sing "Hootie & The Blowfish" songs. Mainly because he stopped mattering a long time ago.
This might be bold, but I don't tune into wrestling to see if Mr. Woo Woo Woo can dance better than the late Michael Jackson or if Yoshi Tatsu can sing like Frank Sinatra. If I wanted that stuff, I'll tune into "So You Think You Can Dance" or "American Idol." I understand that they were trying to make the start of the Benjamin-Ryder feud interesting, but both came out of this bit like even more gigantic losers, if that was possible.
-The collective charisma of Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson wouldn't fill a teaspoon, but I would rather watch their match than Kane vs. Khali. Kozlov and Jackson would make a hell of a tag team, but WWE doesn't like to have big men tag teams nowadays. They want a small dude and a little dude. That's how they roll.
-Aw, I bet Sheamus nervously waited all week to say that "I came for gold and they gave me dust" line. Even though nobody speaks like that in real life.
-On Superstars, the Pirate and the Evil Tony Blair vs. Yossy and The Predator was the definition of a dark match. Meaning that it didn't really need to be seen by the audience. It was for management. Nothing really stands out about Yoshi and the California Surfer dude. They need more time. Maybe one day they can become "aggressive" like the returning Chris Masters...yeah.
-I'm falling in love with Mike Knox. That cross-body block should replace his crappy "spinny hug slam" finisher. And unlike Matt Morgan, Fort Knox actually works (sometimes sloppily like a drunk bear, but eh). Sorry, Morgan. I know you've got a heel set of moves and that you are meant to be cocky, but watching your matches is painful.
Got to go. Go to bum a ride to work, since Mr. X let the air out of my tires. Damn you Mr. X!
(credit to farm1.static.flickr.com, images.main.uab.edu, and legendschampionshipwrestling.com for pics)
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