By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

I was sitting in a pizza parlor waiting for my pepperoni pizza that was gonna to taste like rubber. At the bar, they had three HD TVs that showed Monday Night Football, ESPN, and coverage of the U.S. Open. I asked the pizza clerk that looked like he was "living in the moment" if we could change over to Monday Night Raw.

He dropped his bong and gave me a quizzical look, like I said, "hey, can we change over to Dora The Explorer?" or "hey, can we change over a really bad Saturday Night Live skit?" Stunned, he obeyed my orders with shaky hands.

Cue up the American dream, baby. The son of a plumber is with DX. WWE's Deniro and Pacino are bored. Guess there ain't no Sherman tanks to ride. So is Cody's Daddy. They should have shown Nash asleep on a sofa for the hell of it. So they do what they do best: shill their DVDs that specialize in revisionist history and propaganda, baby. Go out to Best Buy, shell out your money honey for three thousands DVDs of WCW history of The Ragin Cajun and anti-Sting vibe, baby. During this bit, I kind of wished Stone Cold came in and stunned all of their asses. And then Jake Cage could plug his bad movies. I also kind of wished that WWE would try to have some respect for their fans, instead of viewing them as mindless cherubs. But yet we still hope.

Guess what comes up next? Hornswoggle vs. Chavo. Horny is dressed like a gay cowboy and "even Cute Kip has more pride than this guy" is dressed like a bull. Problem is that Raw is from Detroit, Michigan. You see any steer in Detroit? Any homes on the prairie? The crowd is booing while Mikey Cole is laughing like a deranged Joker. His laughter will be in my nightmares. Considering the negative reaction from the crowd, I was waiting for somebody in the crowd to moon the wrestlers. Would be apt, since that's what WWE is basically doing to all of us during these bits: Pulling down their pants and going, "Weeeee! Take a look at these two hams! Quality entertainment! Wholesome for kids! Utter drivel! Oh, watch out! We're going to jiggle! That's new! How exciting! Ooh, we're going have Cena vs. Orton in an igloo! And after that, they are going to face each other in a singing and dancing competition!"

"The hills are alive with music..."

I don't know what it takes. Writing angry, whiny absurd reports ain't gonna do any good when a loony old man can throw a birthday party for himself any time he feels like it. (Hunter: "Why do you care that this bit sucks? It's your show.") I'm getting heel greatness by C.M. Punk over on Smackdown and on Raw I'm being asked to get giddy about crappy DVD plugs and cow outfits. Makes me so sad, I think I'm going to burst into tears like with WWE's new favorite camera shot, "the crying girl who believes wrestling is real."

The pizza clerk, who was busy picking up the pieces of his shattered bong, asked me this question which has plagued many of a wrestling fan: "Why do you watch this crap?"

As Chavo vs. Hornswoggle XXIII was causing a massive riot in the stands amidst Cole's "Ho ho ho my insides hurt ha ha ha" while his frosty hair was on fire, I replied, "Um...I dunno...uh, I have a brain disease and I like to be taken advantage of."

I then shrieked with horror as I envisioned that the second hour would begin with DX, Dusty, and Vince McMahon watching the WCW DVD and having a big ol' laugh at the folly and stupidity of the wrestling company.

Then Chavo barges in, Vince makes Horny vs. Chavo at Breaking Point, and then Vince orders Randy Orton to kiss his million dollar backside. After that, they show Dusty taking off his shirt, rubbing his nipples, and saying "I feel so sexay, babay," while Cole is pronounced dead from asphyxiation because he laughed himself to death.

I picked up my pizza and got the hell out of there.

(credit to 4.blogspot.com and gamesradar.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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