By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

""Far, far away in a land that time can't change
Long, long ago in a place of hearts and gold
This is a call to arms
Gather soldiers
Time to go to war"
-"Vox Populi" by 30 Seconds To Mars

"What if the Undertaker drinks more milk?" That's the line I'll remember from the WWE TLC PPV. You see, during the Undertaker-Batista match, Matt Striker once again went into his ill-fated idea about Batista's bones being stronger due to drinking milk and thus could better withstand a chair shot. Okay. Mikey Cole replied, "What if the Undertaker drinks more milk?"

Uh huh.

WWE could use this line of reasoning if they have to face Congress one day about the safety of their performers. "Well, you see Senator Whitman, our wrestlers drink lots and lots of moo-moo milk. Thus their bones are stronger and thus we see no need for a wrestler union. Thank you. Now kiss my ass, we're out of here."

To me, the TLC PPV ended when Sheamus won the WWE Title. Everything after that was blah and kind of weird. Let's recap...

First off, big ups to the stage design. Hanging tables, chairs, and ladders like Christmas ornaments was a cool idea. The stage set is the first things buyers see after the video package, and it should be larger than life. I believe for Survivor Series, all they did was put up two cardboard "V" and called it a day.

WWE's No Blood Policy is totally ugherrfic. Medics treating a busted-open Christian pretty much killed that match. (Huh, you get busted open when a ladder falls on your face.) These two blondes really did try to get too cute with their spots. Christian vs. Benjamin was somewhat of a letdown. Maybe WWE should start having their performers wrestle in football helmets if they are so willing to "break the illusion" by having this "No Blood" policy. WWE haters will be looking forward to when a WWE PPV match is stopped twice due to the "No Blood" policy. I'm kinda looking forward to that day, to see it blow up in their faces.

The only thing worth mentioning from the Morrison vs. McIntyre match was the sick DDT the Scot took. The good news is that Morrison has least has somebody to feud with. And the match-up wasn't bad. Bad news? Guess who's going into the realm of "over-pushed?" It's not John Morrison. Apparently all you need to become a champion in WWE nowadays is a Scottish accent. Better start working on yours, Miz. Or you'll lose your title to a Highlander or something. There's "The United States Champion" and then there's "This dope is just holding the gold until we can find somebody better."

Why is C.M. Punk working dark matches? Is he happy with that situation?

No pig ringside for the Divas match, but a meaty match between McCool and Mickie tided me over. I think I spent the whole time trying to read the front of Layla's tank top.

Cena vs. Sheamus had "it." Sheamus has "it." I can understand the Sheamus haters, but unlike Jack Swagger or Dolph Ziggler, Sheamus has "presence." Sheamus has "suitable mic skills." I am digging the prospect of Cena vs. Sheamus at the Royal Rumble, considering the "controversial" finish. Plus I want to see some more build-up for the monster Sheamus. Can they properly buildup Cena vs. Sheamus II at the Rumble? Or will they get lazy/scared and gum up the works with Cena vs. Sheamus vs. Randy Orton? Here's hoping that they don't.

And it's not such a bad deal for Sheamus, even though despite winning the WWE championship, he has still become a footnote. Look, we all know WWE is in "push push push" mode with certain stars, but Sheamus is not main-eventing WrestleMania. Cena is still the "true" champion. What I do see is him losing the title back to Cena at the Rumble, then being in the Raw Elimination Chamber match, and then being in the Money in the Bank match. It's a simple trick to portray a newbie as a top guy.

Kudos to WWE for doing something new and making the TLC PPV "surprising," which is something Snore Series wasn't known for.

It was weird that Undertaker vs. Batista would come after Cena vs. Sheamus, as all of the adrenalin left the viewer's body. Here's badass Batista and I'm suddenly very tired. If the build-up and match concept wasn't a sign that this match was going to be quickly forgotten, this was: Mikey Cole quickly reinforcing that a chair shot to the head was fine, but something like a low-blow was grounds for disqualification.

Story of the match was Teddy Long screwing with Dave and stealing the title away from him. Geez, Teddy. Where were you when McIntyre poked your boy Morrison in the eye? Later in the show, Batista threatened Teddy bodily harm, but backed off. Great, Dave. More Teddy Long crap on Smackdown. I still think you should play the role of Marcus Fenix in the upcoming Gears of War movie.

I did enjoy Matt Striker mugging for the camera. Give me "classic heel guy announcer" Striker. Don't give me the Striker whose favorite word is "damaged" and talks about calcium, fake WWE history, and something about the thumb under the ribcage. Did you ever hear Jim Ross talking about calcium in the bones or other inane Strikerisms? Hell nah. He knew what the average Joe wanted to hear. Although his obsession with Skittles was frightening.

Kofi Kingston barges into Randy Orton's locker room to ask...if he has any grey poupon. What I wouldn't give for Kofi to had reverted back to his fake Jamaican speak as he called Orton a coward. You sir, are a fake.

The Orton-Kingston match was more indicative of Randy Orton and less of Kofi Kingston. I enjoyed it as a fan of Randy Orton. The story of the match was Kofi being out of league in another Randy Orton match: facial expressions, rolling around, and acting moody. What's next for Kofi? Sure as hell not a match with Orton. He'll be in the Rumble most likely.

So DX are tag team champs. Some things to mention...

(1) I feel that we should rename JeriShow "Tweedledee and Tweedledum." Somehow, it escaped the mastermind Jericho that they could have won the match if Show would have just sat on DX. But no, Jericho wanted to be a monkey on Show's shoulders.

(2) HBK on Smackdown? Probably not. More likely a DX commercial.

(3) Jericho is going to be on the three-hour Raw. And then WWE will make up some flimsy reason for why Jericho is beefing with the Raw guest host every week.

(4) DX are tag champs. Any contenders DX might face? Hello? Any credible contenders? Damn. Only if Hornswoggle had two 7' tall big brothers. Hey, it would give Kane something to do. And yeah, the whole kayfabe stuff about being Taker's brother? They lied. Get over it. Kane + Hornswoggle = Great television.

-WWE PPV wrestling matches: three moves that make the PPV highlight reel. Trademark move sequences. Lots of wrestlers lying on the ground. Lots of wrestlers walking. More of wrestlers lying on the ground. Announcers getting excited about things like "peekaboo" and "duck duck goose." And a watered-down gimmick match that sure as hell drives home the point that WWE's main demographic is kiddies.

Look, we all know that is WWE's style: Heavyweight fights of guys taking forever to set up spots. Hell, I was guilty of fast-forwarding through bits of Cena vs. Sheamus. But it's not going to change. WWE will not show off a cruiserweight division. There's not going to be sequence where guys do tremendous reversals after reversals and the crowd claps afterward in appreciation (yes, people residing in the WWE universe, this does exist). This is WWE, and it's not going to change. Pissed off that WWE sucks now? They don't care. You're probably not in their main demographic anyways.

It's frustrating because we enjoy WWE's work on character and storylines, but we dislike their timid, predictable, and slow matches. I don't mind so much the "gimmick PPVs" (main goal is to make a quick buck). I don't even really mind the watering down the meaning of "hardcore." WWE is training their audience to know what to expect (and also trying to protect their wrestlers). What really gets my goat about WWE?

That damn Matt Striker. Matt Striker must fall. And yeah, in becoming a "more wholesome" product, they've lost some of their edge.

All in all, the TLC PPV was a good one, but it could had been a lot more. It seemed like every match had a crippling flaw. Christian vs. Shelton never had a flow, and was hurt by the "No Blood" stoppage. Ups to the guys for trying to salvage that thing. Drew McIntyre was fine, but not impressive. Who's your new IC champion? Haters would say a guy who does Lance Archer's shtick of being really, really intense and really, really boring. The hype for Cena vs. Sheamus was great, and the opening minutes felt big. However, the match began to suck as the minutes went on. If you like Cena setting up a table slowly, have we got a PPV match for you! Undertaker vs. Batista was a traditional PPV throwaway match, ho-hum "stay tuned" conclusion and all. Randy Orton got some of his mojo back, and despite DX becoming the Unified tag champs, I'm on good authority that we're still going to see the same old DX crap over and over.

The PPV had it share of surprises and wasn't a total let-down. But if you hated WWE before, this wasn't going to change your mind one bit. I'll give this PPV a C+, or "In The Middle Of Absurdity" (I'm going old-school absurd on y'all).

I ponder about WWE. I wonder where McIntyre and Sheamus will be in six months. I wonder if Disney will start sponsoring WWE PPVs. I wonder if they will realize that all three-man announce teams don't work. And I wonder if the Undertaker did drink milk in preparing for his chairs match with Badass Batista.

Which, according to Matt Striker, was the most dangerous match type the Undertaker has ever been in. Including Taker's Hell in the Cell and Inferno matches.

Oh boy.

(credit to cache4.asset-cache.net, portaldalutalivre.com and
images.odeo.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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