By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

How to sum up the last Raw? One word: painful.

Opening monologue thoughts: Photoshop doesn't cure everything, WWE. WWE looked downright stupid here in getting Miller to guest host Raw. Dennis Miller and Raw was like Glenn Beck and the concept of "humility."

If WWE will stop a match due to their "No Blood" clause, I felt that they should have stopped the Christian/Kane/Kane (WTF?) match due to a "No Excitement" clause. Why is an ECW segment on Raw? Get this off my screen.

Thankfully, WWE didn't take the title off of Sheamus. Later in the show, John Cena compared his latest lost to Tiger Woods's downfall. Pretty sickening stuff. It's nice to know that a CENA LOSS is an utter, depressing travesty. Well, at least for kids who wear Cena shirts. After his promo was over, Cena got into his invisible car and drove away from the arena with Scooby-Doo.

First it was Hornswoggle. Then it was Primo. Now it's Kofi Kingston. Why do I have a feeling that no matter who Evan Bourne sides with, he will still be a disappearing act? He wants so badly to have a friend.

Legacy defeated the tag team of Kofi and Evan. We already knew that Legacy was a credible tag team. They're wasting time.

Best joke of the night: Punk lays down a promo reminding the audience of all of his accomplishments this year. Then the former World Champion gets beat quickly by John Cena. Har har.

It was like Raw was too embarrassed to have wrestling on this show.

Shawn Michaels announced that he wants Undertaker at WrestleMania. I'm not feeling it at this point. Seems more like an easy way out other than to try something new (Cena vs. Undertaker, for example). Triple H vs. Batista and Cena vs. Orton at WrestleMania? Meh.

Bravo, Mr. Miller. Nice interaction with Jericho, though Miller was really cutting a promo on himself. Get it? He's mocking himself. Har har.

Bret Hart guest hosting Raw would be more embarrassing than that "NWO 2000" crap considering that Raw is a variety game show nowadays. But hey, ratings are ratings. And plugs are plugs.

DX, wanting nothing to do with that embarrassing wrestling, went to the much cooler part of the show. They get themselves intentionally disqualified. It's good to know they saved that bit for only themselves. Oh boo hoo, Jericho can't be on Raw anymore. Here comes the DX Army. Apparently these guys are tired of Cena, but they'll jump at the chance to wear DX gear.

Here's...Zack Ryder, The Miz, and Drew McIntyre? The bookers picked names out of a hat and put them into six-man tag team matches nobody wanted to see.

Joy of the night was Mikey Cole winning an award for throwing up. Hell, Michael Cole was the MVP of the night. Lemme see more of dorky Cole.

If you're sick in the head, you liked this junk. But even for me, this Raw was too much absurdity to handle. Positives of the show were the two "announcements" (HBK vs. Taker II, Bret Hart). They couldn't create three hours of content, so they created a flaming bag of dog crap in front of a nativity scene. Should that be applauded? Should WWE create shirts that say, "I survived the 12/14/09 Raw?" This Raw will be remembered better if it didn't air at all.

It's nice to know that WWE feels confident this show will get good ratings. After all, it's the Slammys. And Dennis Miller. And a bunch of mid-card stars from all of the other shows thrown in together. So they decided to be lazy and I got the feeling that they really didn't care. At some point, they just gave up. Monday Night Depression. Monday Night Frustration. Monday Night Garbage.

This week, I'll catch some Superstars, a bit of Impact, and simply wait for Smackdown. Right now I'm too ill to catch ECW after this show. Aieee.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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