By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"And then they were left with nothing
She said nothing is not so bad
It could be the best time we ever had"
-"Adored" by The Bravery

-Did you see my boy Mike Knox's dropkick on Superstars? If he plays his cards right, he can become the next Kane, awful storylines and all.

The story of the Cryme Tyme vs. Mike Knox/Dolph Ziggler match was the announcers making fun of how white they were. Reason #37 why I dig Todd Grisham: "I just repeat what is said to me." Nifty match here.

-The Marine 2 is coming out. Looks to be a tremendous film.

-C.M. Punk is the coolest person in WWE right now. He's taking shots and he's making this drab "No drugs" thing work with his performance. Punk is so tremendous.

-Vance Archer is coming out. He's also tremendous. Imagine if actor Zach Braff decided to become a professional wrestler and you get the idea. Poor Tommy Dreamer had to take Archer's stiff offense.

The ECW announcers, Mr. Matthews and Mr. Saxton, are more like sports announcers then wrestling announcers. Matthews will continue to throw out "Dreamer never quits" cliches while Saxton will chime in every so often. Meanwhile, on Impact, the hip team of Taz and Tenay are giving me lines like "bronco muncher."

-They replay the Raw rebound. Looks tremendous because they cut out all of the bad parts. Wait, they left in the "DX Army" thing. Boo.

-If anyone should come out of this trash heap known as the MVP-Jack Swagger feud, it's MVP. Sorry, Swag. During this match I thought of a better feud: Dexter vs. The Trinity Killer on HBO. Dexter represent.

-On Impact, I can honestly say that I don't know anybody who wants to see a professional wrestler for nearly the whole damn show. It seemed like every other skit starred Mick Foley. Love ya, Mick, but, dear Hardcore Legend, I don't have any use for you visiting the Incredible Hulk.

Impact was a better outing than last week, but it's clear that they phoned this one in and relied mainly on "gossip." Hey, if you dig gossip and "inside-storylines," great. Personally, I don't feel nothing about Jeff Jarrett sleeping with Kurt Angle's ex-wife and the testy relationship between Jarrett-Dixie. Why? It's because, and bear with me on this, it. is. not. a. wrestling. storyline. It's not a wrestling anything. I don't know of too many dudes who watch wrestling and who also read U.S. Magazine looking for the hottest gossip. It's not to say that a little backstage gossip doesn't hurt, but to build nearly an entire show around it? Phfff.

-Mick Foley arrives at the arena. He shoves ol' bug-eyes Borash against the wall. He wants a piece of Kevin Nash's ass. I like this opening. TNA is willing to try something new, and at times it pays off. Although, fans don't have a concrete idea why a Foley-Nash feud is brewing. It doesn't matter. The payoff is Kevin Nash delivering a very angry promo against Foley later. The promo was so cheesy and clichéd, that Nash looked he was going to smile at any second. I laughed my ass off. Keep up the comedy, please. Or was that supposed to be serious?

-Roxxi is back. She spent some time down in Mexico getting fit and getting detoxed from her "Voodoo Queen" days. Nice match for the returning Roxxi. I was fearful that somehow TNA would screw up Roxxi's return (after all, look what they are doing to Jay Lethal). It's a bad sign that I didn't trust TNA to give me a Roxxi quick roll-up pin after ODB tried to cheat to win (which is what happened).

-I don't think I will ever take a car trip with Mick Foley. Any reason why that Foley-Lou Ferrigno thing aired? Sure, it's quirky. And it won't make any money.

After the Nash promo, here's some more of Mick. Abyss barges in to ask him if he has his Christmas gifts yet. Mick says no and replies that he has spent his Christmas money visiting Lou Ferrigno. Abyss admits that while his father James Mitchell was torturing him, he found solace in looking up to Mr. Ferrigno. Then Abyss set himself on fire while jumping onto a glass table. Then Impact went to a commercial break. I find myself thinking that another Foley car trip is more exciting than another Abyss PPV garbage match. Maybe Abyss and Dr. Stevie can fight in a landfill, because that's where those type of matches belong.

I apologize for the above remark. Fake tasering Abyss is marvelous. Setting Abyss on fire is splendid. I eat that stuff up and ask for seconds.

-TNA doesn't know what to do with their talent nowadays, so they lumped them all together tonight. Why are Matt Morgan and Hernandez hanging around with a clown like Suicide? Nobody knows. Why is the Team 3D/Jesse Neal vs. Team Dummies feud even taking place? The only thing TNA has shown lately is that they're very high on Jesse Neal, making his involvement the key to Morgan losing. The man who has had like two televised matches in 2009. Yep, they're high on that guy.

-Some more lumped-in wrestlers join together. Here's Beer Money...and Joe...and World Elite...it's just too damn bad that the Feast or Fired match is a terrible concept. No, you're right, TNA. Make viewers tune into Impact to find out if somebody got "fired." Have wrestlers steal other wrestlers's briefcases. Have somebody like Herny wait nearly a damn year before wasting his title shot.

-The Knockouts got back on track this week. I like their roster, especially with a returning Roxxi. Meanwhile, back in WWE, they are busy thinking up new fat chicks jokes.

-I don't think anyone in TNA asked themselves, "Why should viewers care about what Jarrett has to say?" They think that every single TNA viewer has a Jeff Jarrett shrine built. What, you don't have your own Jarrett necklace? Heathen!

-Jay Lethal is on Randy Orton's "Legend Killer" tour, but it's the other way around. It's named the "Jay Lethal Killers" tour. TNA must be applauding themselves for answering the problem of their dwindling ratings in the second hour. "Throw in a known personality and people will tune in!" It's sad to think that we once thought Jay Lethal was cool. Sure, it wasn't a two-minute Jim Neidhart squash this time around, but Jay Lethal is losing to guys nearly twice his age. (Jay Lethal is 24 years old. Tatanka is 44-years-old. Neidhart is 53-years-old.) Didn't Lethal once nearly beat Kurt Angle? Wasn't he credible at one point? Geesh. There better be a Macho Man Randy Savage appearance at this end of this stinky rainbow.

-The Motor City Machine Guns remind us for the thousandth time how cool they are. You're never on TV, guys. You're not cool, dudes. Go play with your video games. Or face off against the British Invasion for the tag titles at the PPV. Whatever.

-Jarrett meets Dixie in a cold, sterile office. Here comes the big moment. The suspense is killing me. What will they say? Will Karen's Angle ever come back? The questions.

And the payoff for all of this? Jarrett admits that he did sleep...with Lou Ferrigno.




I swear, there will come a day where Impact hypes up that viewers will find out what Hulk Hogan is hiding in his hands. What could it be? What is the Hulkster hiding? Let's all talk about it! Their running teases are just that empty.

-After an hour of Entertainment Tonight mindless gossip on Impact, I can't say that I was primed and pumped for a Desmond Wolfe vs. Christopher Daniels match. It's sad this gold nugget was surrounded by non-sense. I'm digging Wolfe's submission holds.

-Just a reminder: Tomko does indeed wrestle for TNA. It's understandable that someone like the X Division champion Amazing Red would be forgotten, but Tomko? I think Jesse Neal has gotten more love from TNA than what Tomko has got.

It seemed like the head honchos of TNA management already left to go on their Christmas vacations during this Impact taping, so they gathered around their interns and told them to book the show. "If Mick Foley wants ten backstage segments, you give him ten backstage segments. Contact that guy Lou from 'I Love You, Man' and bring over a camera crew. Just do whatever our over guys tell you to do. Tap into this Tiger Woods scandal vibe. Have an hour of our wrestlers gossiping. Now, you see this group over here on the board? Lump them all together and under-hype that sumabitch. Leave time for Daniels and Wolfe to do their own thing. Bury Lethal. And lock up when you're done."

-Concerning the PPV, I am pumped up for A.J. Styles vs. Daniels and Angle vs. Wolfe, even if the two feuds didn't get a whole lot of love (all I remember from the PPV build-up is ... Lou Ferringo). Lashley and Steiner will beat each other in a last man standing match. Weapons? Blow-up dolls. For some damn reason British Invasion is facing off against Motor City Machineguns, who must be perplexed to once again see things called "TV Cameras."

ODB and Tara will hopefully try to erase that drunk junk match. Plus, your standard Abyss garbage match! Lastly, Team 3D vs. Team Luzers in a Fish Market match and the tremendous Feast or Fired match. Better be some cool spots in these two turkeys because the hype has been pretty pathetic so far. The PPV might be a throwaway. Heck, the friggin tagline for the PPV is "Someone Will Be Fired." That's not a PPV tagline, that's the place where I work. The poster is so sad that maybe they should have put Lou Ferringo on the poster.




-In closing, I want to give a shout-out to Grant Gould for his artwork that he contributes to pwtorch.com. His Sheamus is great! I want that as a poster, right next to my Jeff Jarrett shrine!

(credit to thezaz.nationallampoon.com, 1.bp.blogspot.com, and upload.wikimedia.org for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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