ABSURDITY OF IT ALL -

By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"They tried to turn emotion into noise
Need a teleprompter for my life
Need a pipeline to the night
My body can't get no relief
And this life it goes by fast
You're treading water in the past
Trying to re-animate something that you can't understand"
-"Youthless" by Beck

The excellent Angle vs. Wolfe and the sublime Styles vs. Daniels happened on Sunday night. On the next night, a campy variety show called Raw happened. And the results were not pretty. It was all in the opening. Bam! Little People's Skit graphic with Hornswoggle taking great joy of crotch-chopping his junk over and over again. I felt that the little twerp was doing that to all of us.

Also tonight, it's John Cena's heroic quest to regain the WWE championship. Cena will face...Jack Swagger? It's back into the campy fold, my friends. Getting excited about Raw is like getting thrilled about getting your teeth pulled by a cartoon character.

-There have been great Raw hosts. There have been terrible Raw hosts. And then there's the ho-hum, make-no-impact-whatsoever guest Raw hosts. Johnny Damon was one of them. Damon just stood there as WWE "livewires" lit themselves on fire around him.

Nothing against Damon, but why should I care about what he has to say? Damon is out in the ring and guess what? Its fast-forward time.

So it was scary when I pressed that fast-forward button and suddenly there's a blonde with a nine-iron chasing a Tiger mascot. It seems that Tiger has had more mistresses than Ric Flair has been World champion. But come on, WWE. You're late to the party and you looked desperate here.

-Last time on Smackdown, I saw realistic divas doing realistic things, such as mentioning the results of their previous matches, building up storylines, showcasing their characters, and playing video games. On Raw, I've got unrecognizable women rocking their saucy outfits from Fredericks of Hollywood. Zzzz.

-DGUSA has announced they're appealing to the hardcore wrestling fan, they will copy from DX's skit and show nothing but a black screen while two guys go, "Wow, it's really dark under the ring." Screw all of you casual wrestling fans! Showing nothing but a black screen is hardcore! "Black screen! Black screen! Black screen!"

Surreal moment during that DX moment. I think one of the reasons why I'm a wrestling fan is because I'm fascinated of the sheer absurdity wrestling can showcase. It's times when you're staring at a black screen that is airing to millions to re-evaluate why you're watching Raw. Not even a Spinal Tap "none blacker" reference? For shame.

"A true WWE fan goes crazy when their favorite wrestlers do mundane things." Like DX going to little people's court and making short comments. Why would anyone sit through this? Well, if you're easily amused and like smelling your own fingers, then yeah, I can understand.

-It's a six-man tag team match with Legacy vs. The Raw mid-card faces. WWE does six-man tag team matches well. Whole lot of them in 2008, but for some reason they got away from it this year. Bourne looks nice, but the focus here is Kofi Kingston getting a victory. Man, and he won "So You Think You Can Dance" too? "I got you, Randy! I got you! I'm America's Top Dancer!"



Yep, just mash Kofi and R-Truth together. You'll get a guy who you can make loads of money off of. Kofi should learn how to work in some Krump.

-Here's Carlito in a backstage skit. I'm interested in seeing Carlito's character in action. He doesn't get a kiss from Eve, but viewers get a Sgt. Slaughter (what the hell?) dressed up like Santa (more what the hell?) Army quip.

-Some more of the Little People's Court. I felt that the skit really turned around when Triple ran away from the court like a pansy. Arms failing around and yelling, "Go Shawn! Go!" The little people trying to grab HBK was also pretty snazzy. And I do take a certain glee in seeing DX portrayed as dummies.

It was a bit of a bummer that they couldn't top JeriShow's Secret Santa stupidity. Geez. How come guys are always making Triple H's performance look bad? Damn you, HBK vs. Taker. You know what's the one flaw of that five-star classic? That it took place and made Trips vs. Orton look bad.

I think one of the good things about a possible Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker at WrestleMania rematch is that at least, at the very least, we get a break from all of this DX banality going on.

-It's Cena vs. Swagger. This "I Won't Lose" Cena storyline is filler. People want some more of the Sheamus irish whiskey and instead we get more of the Cena fat free milk. If some people thought that Sheamus becoming WWE champion was going to mean a heavy Sheamus focus, they were dead wrong. Sheamus is merely keeping the belt warm for Cena.

It was announced that it will be Sheamus vs. Cena for the WWE Championship next week on Raw. I do feel Cena vs. Sheamus will do well at the PPV, so one of the key things I'll be looking forward next week is to see if WWE does indeed get nervous and pull the "Cena wins back
the gold!" trigger.

It was laughable when the announcers stated that if Jack Swagger won his match against Cena, Swag would be a top contender for the WWE Title. I understand that in large part writers don't really care about history or the current standing of a wrestler, but garden slugs have more cred than Swag does. The All-American American loses his match with Cena. Oh well. I'm sure he won't be portrayed as a chump when he squares off against Yoshi Tatsu on ECW tomorrow night.

-Here's Carlito facing off against Chris Masters. Okay, Carlito. You've disappointed me in the past, but nowadays your character has gotten a fresh coat of paint. Now let's answer the question of your crappy wrestling matches.

The result? If you add Carlito and Chris Masters in the ring, you will always get a negative result.

I wonder whose face push is going to work better: Chris Masters or Eric Escobar. Man boobs or fat jokes. Both are pretty sad. I didn't really like Eric Escobar before because he sells like a stuttering salesman: not very well. Him getting cheap pops by doing ugly jokes? Ugh. I wonder how well Eric's material works at the local burn ward.

-On Smackdown, Batista has a new character. He's a selfish, egomaniacal Hollywood type who's only out for himself. You know, the Miz's gimmick. But Mizzy won't be needing it. The Miztake is a dope who drives a Ford Focus. Later on in the show he had to fight Santa Santino. Here's what the Miztake could have done.

(1) Thought, "Hey, management is disrespecting me" and walked out
(2) Grabbed a chair and started swinging

But no. None of this happened. He had a smug look of a champion in his victory pose. He felt like a winner after he had just beaten a chump dressed up like Santa. Congrats, you just defeated a comedy act. Let's throw you a parade. I don't have the patience to care about Miz if WWE is entrenched in portraying the United States Champion as a dopey dope.

-Backstage, Mae Young lands a yucky kiss on Johnny Damon. Oh ho ho.

-At the ring, Sheamus pretty much squashes MVP. After the match, Sheamus tells the audience that he cannot get a tan, because this is his skin condition. What's cool about Sheamus is that his skin still rocks the welts from his PPV match.

-The recap of the DX segment (yes, they recapped a segment which already aired on the same broadcast) showed that WWE cared only about ratings. Hey, if you already watch the DX segment, you'll gladly watch it again! And obviously we don't have any more content if we're having a Carlito vs. Chris Masters match!

-Big Show is walking with a purpose. The big dope wants to call out Santa. Stay tuned to see if Big Show will call out Santa. That's your main event, folks. I guess in 2010 we'll get this: "Big Show calls out the Easter Bunny."

Look, we get it that WWE is aiming for the kids. We've known that for a long time now. But this is insulting junk for any age. It's lame-brain content that shows not one ounce of creativity or effort. If I were to say to my co-workers that I watch Raw, they might look at me funny like I said that I watch "Go Diego Go." I'm fearing that we will get a peek-a-boo segment in the future.

True, a six-man tag team match and Cena vs. Swagger did help, but Raw lately seems content to boast that it lives in Suckville. I didn't know if I was seeing wrestlers or clowns out there tonight.

Throughout the night I thought this: the more time WWE has before a PPV, the more filler they will show. PPV storylines? Forget it. They haven't gotten on that train yet. Tonight was a whole lot of nothing. The biggest news out of the night was Hornswoggle becoming DX's mascot. Raw was the type of show that made you question why it even aired in the first place.

Whatever may happen Jan. 4, somebody, please, shake things up in wrestling. I'm at wits end.

I'm off to watch California Governor Arnold Swarzenegger's "Jingle All The Way" to help my brain after watching this Raw. It features Big Show as a Santa Claus, MVP as Sinbad, and the late Phil Hartman. Insane movie? You bet. But I guess we are all a bit off the rocker if we follow wrestling.

(credit to images.amazon.com, zimbiol.com, blogs.democratandchronicle.com, and z.about.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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