By WWS editor: Marc R. Warzecha, PWTorch Specialist

While most other professional wrestling "news sources" are still using ancient reporting tools like keyboards and computers, WWS has invested in the future. WWS uses specially acquired and highly-tuned equipment to track and record brain waves (as seen on Jesse Ventura's "Conspiracy Theory"). This technology was used on Hulk Hogan, as he slept soundly and dreamt about his TNA Impact debut. Our transcription of Hulk Hogan's dream is below...

TAZ: It's Monday night January 4, 2010 and Impact is live on Spike TV!

TENAY: This is the night the pro wresting world has been waiting for. The Monday Night Wars are back!

TAZ: The biggest star in the history of professional wresting debuts in TNA tonight. Hulk Hogan is here!

TENAY: Take that, WWE.

TAZ: You know Mike, I -

TENAY: Oh my God! What is that music?

TAZ: Is that what I think it is?

TENAY: Yes! It's Bret "The Hitman" Hart's entrance music. And there he is! He's got a mic.

BRET HART: "Bret screwed Bret." That's what I've been hearing for twelve long years. Tonight, Bret screwed Vince McMahon. I always said that I'd never work for WWE again and I meant it. Once I heard that the greatest professional wrestler of all time was joining TNA, I had to come back to the business. I had to be part of TNA with Hulk Hogan!

TAZ: And here comes the Hulkster!

HULK HOGAN:...

TENAY: He has the mic in his hand but the fans keep chanting "Hogan" so loudly that the Hulk can't get a word in.

TAZ: This is the biggest pop in the history of professional wrestling!

TENAY: We've got to cut to commercial break...

TAZ: We're back from our 55-minute long commercial break.

TENAY: The audience continued to chant Hulk Hogan's name for 55 minutes straight. We knew the show couldn't go on. So we just took all of our commercial breaks for this week, and next week's show.

TAZ: It's now 9:01 p.m. Look at this, Tenay!

TENAY: We've just been connected to a live feed of the USA network. Instead of airing a Raw, USA is broadcasting color bars and a high-pitched squealing sound. WWE has given up.

TAZ: Hulk Hogan has won the Monday Night Wars!

TENAY: Bret Hart is headed to the back, and Hulkster is on his way to the ring.

TAZ: Even though the "Hogan" chant is still deafening, Hogan has decided to start the match.

TENAY: And what a match we have in store for you. It's a Royal Rumble, and Hulk Hogan has pulled number one.

TAZ: Here comes the man who pulled number two. Unbelievable. It's Vince Russo!

TENAY: He's in the ring with a live mic.

VINCE RUSSO: Ten years ago, at Bash at the Beach, I called you a piece of s***. I was wrong that day, Hulk Hogan. I'M the piece of s***. I wanted to admit it to your face before you fire me and clothesline me over the top rope, out of the match, and into oblivion.

TENAY: Hogan did it! Vince Russo is gone!

TAZ: And all of the other "writers" will be fired with him, Tenay. In Hulk Hogan's day, you didn't need a "creative team!"

TENAY: Here come the men that pulled numbers three, four, five, and six.

TAZ: All at once?

TENAY: Yes. It's the Nasty Boys, Jimmy Hart, and Brutus Beefcake.

TAZ: The Nasties and Hart are staring Hogan down. Hogan takes a half step towards them - and they all jump over the top rope and eliminate themselves.

TENAY: Look out for Brutus. He's sneaking up behind Hogan and has one hand in a duffel bag. What could be in there?

TAZ: It could be scissors. "The Barber" is up to his old tricks.

TENAY: No! It's some kind of cream. He rubbed it all over Hogan's head.

TAZ: The bottle says, "Super Rogainemaina."

TENAY: All of Hogan's hair is growing back before our very eyes! He's got a full head of hair again. Incredible!

TAZ: Beefcake leaps over the top, the buzzer rings, and here comes number seven. It's "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal!

TENAY: Lethal comes right at Hogan. But he's tackled by someone - who is that?

TAZ: It's "Macho Man" Randy Savage! Savage dumps Lethal, and the Mega Powers reunite.

TENAY: There's the famous handshake!

TAZ: The buzzer sounds and here comes... The Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart.

TENAY: Again? I guess they pulled numbers eight, nine, and ten.

TAZ: The Megapowers double clothesline them all right out of the ring!

TENAY: What's this? Hogan just tossed Savage out of the ring.

TAZ: Savage has a mic.

RANDY SAVAGE: I deserved that, Hulkster. I was never your equal. That run I had with the WWF Title while you were off filming "No Holds Barred" drew as much money as you were drawing in the '80s. But it was a fluke. I rode your coattails for my entire career. I couldn't even lace your boots. This was my all-time retirement match. I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone, with only pictures of young Stephanie and I to keep me company. What? Oh, not that Stephanie. A different Stephanie. Why is everyone looking at me like that? Anyway, Ohhh Yeaaahhh!!!

TENAY: Buzzer sounds and number eleven is... could it be? It is. Ric Flair.

TAZ: What is the Nature Boy doing? He's lying down in the center of the ring.

TENAY: Hogan is legdropping him over and over again. Clearly, Ric Flair felt that his near forty-year career wouldn't be complete unless he came out of retirement and fully submitted to the will of the Greatest Professional Wrestler of All Time, Hulk Hogan.

TAZ: It's the buzzer again. Numbers twelve and thirteen are - oh my god - "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and The Rock!

TENAY: Hogan promised that he would bring all of the big stars into TNA.

TAZ: Austin and Rock are nailing Flair with repeated Stone Cold Stunners and Rock Bottoms.

TENAY: This is a fitting end to the career of the vastly overrated Ric Flair.

TAZ: Hogan finally tosses Flair over the top. Austin hands him a beer, and an envelope. What's in it?

TENAY: That's a check. The rumors of Austin selling more t-shirts than Hogan were just that, rumors spread by the evil WWE! Austin felt so guilty that he wants Hogan to have all of his merch money.

TAZ: The Rock has an envelope, too! It's got all of his contracts for starring roles in ten future Hollywood blockbusters.

TENAY: He's signing them over to Hogan.

TAZ: The Hulkster is box office gold.

TENAY: Austin and Rock jump over the top rope, and Hogan is waving on the rest of the locker room. He doesn't want to wait for the buzzer; he wants the rest of the Rumble entrants right now. Here they all come. And there they all go!

TAZ: Kurt Angle is gone!

TENAY: Sting is gone!

TAZ: Mick Foley is gone!

TENAY: Rob Van Dam is eliminated!

TAZ: Matt Morgan is eliminated!

TENAY: The Ghost of Yokozuna is eliminated!

TAZ: My god, that's the original NWO.

TENAY: Hall, Nash, and Waltman. All eliminated!

TAZ: Could it be? Yes. The Ultimate Warrior and Goldberg are double-teaming Hogan. Hogan is down.

TENAY: He's Hulking up! He dumps those two flashes-in-the-pan over the top and into their rightful place as footnotes in wrestling history.

TAZ: The ring is clear. But that can't be everyone.

TENAY: At my count the next entrant will be number twenty-three.

TAZ: It's Brock Lesnar!

TENAY: He's been very ill. As he slowly makes his way to the ring, it's clear that he should be in bed.

TAZ: I've heard that he is so sick that not only could his MMA career be over, his life may be in danger.

TENAY: He should not be out of the hospital, let alone in the ring with Hulk Hogan.

TAZ: What is Hogan doing? He reaches out and gently places a hand on Lensar's forehead. White light is emanating from Hogan's hand.

TENAY: Look Taz, the heavens have opened. I hear choirs of angels.

TAZ: Brock Lesnar is healed!!!

TENAY: And we still have six more entrants to go in the match!

TAZ: The buzzer sounds. It's Brooke Hogan!

TENAY: She's got a record contract in one hand, and a bottle of sun tan lotion in the other.

TAZ: All of Hulk Hogan's dreams are coming true.

TENAY: Buzzer again. It's Linda Hogan! She's got something to say.

LINDA HOGAN: I'm nothing without you, Terry. Please remarry me. Here's a pre-nup that states that I was wrong about everything, you get your wife and all of your money back, and you can sleep with any other women you want.

TAZ: The buzzer sounds and here comes the last four entrants in the Rumble match - all at once!

TENAY: It's The Nasty Boys, Jimmy Hart, and - no!

TAZ: This is impossible.

TENAY: That's Andre the Giant!

ANDRE THE GIANT: Yes, it really is me, Andre the Giant. It was always my dream in life to pass the torch to Hulk Hogan. Most people thought I did that at WrestleMania 3, when the Hulkster slammed my 503-pound body to the mat and pinned me. But that was only the first step. I faked my own death shortly thereafter and retired to my castle in France where I spent the last twenty years being fed saturated fat through a tube by referee Tim White. I stand before you today weighing 5,003 pounds. Hulk Hogan, will you slam me one last time before I die?

TAZ: No human can lift 5,003 pounds, Tenay.

TENAY: Taz, I'm not sure that Hulk Hogan is human.

TAZ: He picks up Andre...and he slams him!

TENAY: The ring has collapsed, and Andre has passed the torch once and for all!

TAZ: Something is emerging from the ring debris.

TENAY: It's Hulk Hogan on the shoulders of Jeff Jarrett and Dixie Carter! TNA and Hulkamania will live forever!!!

Marc Warzecha is a professional comedian who has been on "Reno 911!" and worked years as part of Second City. Full IMDB details here. He writes satire once a month for PWTorch. Email WWS editor Marc R. Warzecha: TorchWarz@yahoo.com.

[Hulk Hogan art by Joseph Borzotta (c) PWTorch]

We suggest these recent related articles...

10/5 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Natalya vs. Paige, Owens vs. Cara, Stephanie McMahon, Sasha Banks, Xavier Woods

COLLECTIBLES COLUMN: The History of Foam Hands in Pro Wrestling

9/28 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Kane's Split Personality, Divas Revolution, Heyman & Big Show, Reigns vs. Wyatt