By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"This one's optimistic
This one went to market
This one just came out of the swamp
This one dropped a payload
Fodder for the animals
Living on an animal farm
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough"
-"Optimistic" by Radiohead

Okay, so I'm watching Impact and I have Raw TiVo'ed. Hulk Hogan is coming to Impact. It's bigger than the second coming of Jesus. And what's the first name Mike Tenay and Taz drop? Bubba the Love Sponge. Guh. He's not Hogan. Where's Hogan?

-Hogan is getting a police escort in a stretch limo. Of course. Wouldn't surprise me if TNA lifted the footage out of an action flick.

-"The man who is not Don West" Bubba interviews people standing in line. I hate this when wrestling companies do this. They select the best video clips from fans that TNA wants to portray as the "real TNA fan." And apparently the "TNA Fan" is one who is working on their sixth beer.

-A bunch of X Division chumps climb the monkey bars at the local playground. Or the "Steel Asylum." Whatever. Match ends in a no contest because Homicide uses a baton, which is stupid as it sounds. And so the lasting impression new viewers get of TNA is the crowd chanting "This is bulls---" as Homicide takes ten years to try to climb on top of the monkey bars.

Vince Russo, you magnificent son of a gun. I love you.

The camera crew even missed Homicide falling from the top onto the canvas. Incompetence is a joint effort in TNA.

But who cares about dumb finishes or why Homicide is a big deal. Here's Jeff Hardy rocking the "10,000 Days" Tool t-shirt! It's Jeff Hardy, the extreme enigma with really bad taste in music! Hey, maybe Jeff in the X Division would mean an actual X Division. Jeff Hardy in TNA? Cool beans. But to be negative, like most of you, I'm waiting for Jeff to no-show a PPV event.

-Jeff meets his buddy Shannon Moore in the back. WWE Divas seem to flourish in the TNA (Tara), but I don't know how WWE cruiserweights in TNA do. Probably not much better.

-Kevin Nash talks about how Hogan is not alone in the limo. The plot thickens. For all of TNA's talk about expanding globally and taking the first show, I mulled over the idea of Shane McMahon joining TNA. Forget a shot, that would be a atom bomb towards WWE.

-TNA talks about being number one but their camera work is number two: it's just crap. But then again the motto for the boys up north is this: "WWE: Great camera work as our product lulls you to a deep slumber."

-Ric Flair gots to pay the rent, so he's here in some organization called TNA. He heads into A.J. Styles's locker room, where apparently Flair is sucked into a black hole, because we don't see him again on the broadcast until the end of the show. Maybe Flair just stopped by the Impact zone looking for the bathroom.

It was one of those things where fans got the impression that Flair hasn't fully committed with being with TNA, because hell, I saw more of the Nasty Boys (ugh, go away) than I saw Ric Flair.

-Bobby Lashley, wrestling's Bo Jackson, is apparently too much of a two-sport star. His wife Krystal says that the Boss wants to head over to MMA. Then go already, you smiling doofus.

-TNA Epics to appear after Impact? You mean I get to watch TNA's greatest matches on free TV? And I can follow Dixie Carter on Twitter? TNA loves me!

-Word to the wise: Beautiful People, if you're going to do a strip-poker game, "we're going to play strip poker!" should be the first thing out of your mouths. I see the Beautiful People playing
cards in a dingy room. Immediately I think, "Ooh! Strip poker!" But they babble on about nets or whatever and I lose interest.

-Here's Hogan. Hogan's been spending all day the back with the talent. Uh, Hogan? Limo? Police escort? Where the hell did you go? Bring the Nasty Boys back from the '90s?

Interesting that Hogan was portrayed as the good savior who has grown up while Sean Waltman and Scott Hall were portrayed as shallow guys who just wanted to get paid. Also interesting that TNA was going with Scott Hall and Sean Waltman - two leftovers from the WCW era - at the same time Bret Hart and Shawn Micheals were making up.

For you see, Hulk Hogan is going to save wrestling, just like how he saved the movie industry.

Good move in portraying Hall and Waltman as the bad guys, as the crowd was rightly chanting, "Go Home" to Hall and Waltman. Some guys have to work to defeat the stigma that they were overpaid for crap work. Scott Steiner has managed to defeat that stigma, but Hall hasn't.

Impact's greatest hit for me was Eric Bischoff. Easy E on the left and Hogan on the right was just like old times. Hogan and Bischoff talk about how they are going to change s--- up. It is wrestling's most beautiful relationship back together again! Sniff...



And Eric can still go. He can still deliver. And more importantly, he's not being castrated by the McMahons on every damn Raw. Bischoff's performance of the night (and the stripping of Jarrett and Foley of their "shareholder" status) was the highlight of the night. Bischoff will be the reason why I will be tuning into Impact. Great stuff. I love me great mic work.

And for the hell of it, Sting is up in the rafters. Yep, just like the old days. My goodness, what a time warp.

That's wrestling right now: "Hey! We've got guys who have hated each other for over a decade!" It would be like if boxing chose to promote Ali vs. Frazier instead of Mayweather vs. Pacquaio.

-It was weird that at first, TNA presented the Awesome Kong/Hamda vs. Wilde/Sarita match as a credible match (on Raw this match would have been over before you could get a drink out of the fridge). It was odd because bizarrely in the middle of the match they showed that the Motor City Machineguns had been laid out by someone.

You get the impression that if Tenay and Taz heard a Ice Cream truck, they would focus on that:

"You hear that Tenay? An Ice Cream truck! Do you hear that jingle? Let's stop enhancing this match and talk about that jingle? Who could be driving the truck? Could it be Mick Foley trying to get into the arena? What in God's name could it mean?"

Tenay: "Screw that! I've just received word that there's a sale at Spatula City!"




You see what I did there? I referenced the '90s Weird Al movie "UHF." In 2010, this is called being "out of date." But in wrestling, talking about something from the '90s is all the rage!

I get it that TNA feels that viewers will lose interest in the match, so they have to hype up random stuff. But maybe they should make an exception for championship matches. Maybe as consultants Eric and Hulky can solve the dilemma of why pocket lint is more credible than TNA championship belts.

Val Venis has joined the Beautiful People, who have been playing Go Fish for over an hour. Okay. Venis has joined TNA to become the next Cute Kip. "You know what we're missing? We need a studmuffin for the Beautiful People. We need a Cute Kip replacement. Get me Val Venis right now!"

Beautiful People, I'm more turned on by those GoDaddy.com skits. If sex appeal is all you're selling, then you're not selling enough to warrant interest.

-The only thing I took away from the Matt Morgan/Hernandez squash of Raven and Dr. Stevie is that maybe they should make Morgan and Herny have more of a beefcake factor. Let's face it, women watch wrestling as well.

-Orlando Jones has joined TNA? Even Matt Striker doesn't know who Orlando is.

-The Pope got a huge push tonight in his victory over Desmond Wolfe. Not really looking forward to a Pope-Jordan feud, but Pope is over right now.

-I do feel that the crowd is so jacked up to see TNA do well that they'll overhype anything.

-Jeff Jarrett applauds himself (zzzz) and talks about great talent like Beer Money and Motor City Machine Guns. You know, those guys who became chumps who were beaten up. Yep, those guys are cool!

Hogan says that Jarrett has to lace up his boots because he's no longer a partner with Dixie. Right on. Jarrett didn't want Hogan raining on his parade in Jarrett's own house, but it happened anyway. It's just too damn bad that in TNA, they are all too willing to let personal pettiness and egos get in the way of making money.

Great move by TNA tonight by simplifying things and making Hogan and Eric the ones who are holding all of the power. (I'm not considering Dixie in this equation, because frankly she's not a wrestling character.)

-Jeff Hardy does some kindergarten doodling on an easel board and Shannon hypes it up like its friggin Picasso. "You should sell that for some money, dude!" Disliking of Jeff rising.

-I can imagine Bubba the Love Sponge reporting live at a horrible disaster scene: "Hey there. I'm not sure why I'm really here or why I have a job. But I'm going to get myself over. And oh yeah, some help is coming your way, injured people. Not like I'm going to help you or anything. Nah, I've got some reporting to do first." Wow, a Hogan cronie who didn't "earn his job" and he's a d-bag as well? Fine heel work.

-Abyss vs. Samoa Joe was interesting because TNA did give it some time (they actually played out the prospect of Abyss tapping out). I have a bad feeling that TNA won't find a way to make Joe work. Right now he has a stupid semi-skirt outfit and playing the same pissed off jerk you knew back in high school.

-In the back, Bischoff chumps out Krystal. I love you Bischy!

-Jeff Hardy meets some teeny girls who luv him. Jeff and Shannon drive away in a fancy sports car. Jeff Hardy: The tortured wrestler who sells crappy art to lovestruck teenage girls.

-I don't think the ring can support the combined weight of Team 3D vs. The Nasty Boys.

-Massive love for A.J. Styles and Kurt Angle doing their thing in the ring. Makes you wonder why TNA PPV events seemed to go the "Rhino vs. Sting for the World Championship" route or the "Ultimate Sacrifice" route. TNA has done a great job of giving back to the fans with the free broadcast of Angle vs. Wolfe last Thursday (along with the other two matches).

-At least TNA is trying damn hard into making you love them again. WWE is a snobby French model who doesn't really care if you like her or not, so she plays up the same tired act.

-Closing segment for Impact was great. Foley screaming out for Hogan and arriving in his office to find...Bischoff in a swiveling chair (classic). Foley then gets beat up by the Wolfpac and now Hogan and Eric have to deal with these three NWO troublemakers who only want to party like it's 1999.

-Now begins the real test: you've got some major talent (Jeff Hardy, Ric Flair), a solid mid-carder (Shannon Moore), a "Huh?" guy (Orlando Jones), as well as some WWE ughs (Val Venis, The Nasty Boys). Booking comes into play here. Guys like Val and the Nasty Boys can serve their role. Hopefully they know what they are doing with Jeff Hardy (and hopefully Jeff doesn't screw it up). I don't know what to make of the Ric Flair situation right now, but it is a added bonus.

Bubba the Love Sponge might never get rid of having that "Hogan's Crony" gimmick. I don't understand why Don West couldn't be interviewing injured guys in the back, but whatever. We didn't get to see RVD, Angelina Love, or Paul Heyman, but I feel reassured with TNA bringing back Eric Bischoff (smooch). The storyline of Hogan-Eric feuding with Kevin Nash and his own Wolfpac is much better than a ugly NWO re-formation. It's old, but it's serviceable, and it's much better than the tripe TNA used to shovel out. (TNA 2008, anyone?)

Overall I felt that Impact was a much better show than Raw. I felt rewarded in watching Styles vs. Angle. I only felt miserable in watching DX square off against Jericho (again) with Jericho leaving Raw (again) only to most likely return next week (again). Sure, the TNA "change" vibe could be a whole lot of nothing, TNA could screw up their talent (they have a rich history of doing so), and there were a few "Russo reminders," but all together, TNA pulled their act together, at least for one night. Next week will be key to see if Impact really does have their act together, or if they are just playing people for fools.

(credit to robohara.com and slam.canoe.ca for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com. Follow me on facebook by typing "smk5q2@hotmail.com" at search line.

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