By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

" Your swords grown old and rusty
Underneath the rising sun
It's locked up like a trophy
Forgetting all the things it's done
And though it's been a long time
You’re right back where you started from
I see it in your eyes
Now you’re giving up the gun"
-"Giving Up The Gun" by Vampire Weekend

Mike Tyson seems more comfortable talking about pulling somebody's brain through their nostrils than talking about the weather. Tyson is nervously hosting Monday Night Raw.

The Dubya Duyba E champion Groundskeeper Willie is here to confront the world's baddest man. Crowd sign: "Eat a potato Sheamus." Classy.

According to WWEland, here is the main comparison between WWE and TNA:

-- WWE: Household names and celebrities performing cutesy things in jam-packed arenas
-- TNA: Rejects, run-offs and great talent who aren't quite household names doing wacky things in a small warehouse.

Some other guys join the party. Moody Orton is here, alongside Cena and Kofi "we will make him over" Kingston.

Cena with an okay promo here, even with the "Minnesota Packers" flub and him admitting that he spent two years trying to beat Mike Tyson's Punch-Out on the NES system.

To be honest, I wasn't expecting Mike Tyson to be rolled out Hannibal Lecter style or anything. Mainly because I saw Tyson dressed up in a gaudy Christmas sweater doing a Christmas card photo with Conan O'Brien weeks ago. And we all know WWE just can't kick their campy "closure" fix they are high on right now.

-I laugh every time I see Vince McMahon kick Bret Hart in the balls. Maybe that's all they paid Bret for: a Vince kick in the gnards.

-Much like the "Raw Diva search" that plagued Raw a few years ago, the Diva Smiva Title tournament is one of those things that makes you ponder, "why does this exist?"

-On ECW there's going to be a big ass eight-man battle royal to determine who is going to face Christian at the Rumble for the ECW Championship. The battle royal was determined by qualifying matches that not one of you watched. I'm putting my money on Ezekiel Jackson to win this thing just to see if Christian could carry him in a PPV match.

Can somebody get Christian out of ECW? Please?

-John Cena might not be able to wrestle, but he is a hell of a salesman for the WWE product. So cut the guy some slack. And when he turns heel, we will all cheer.

-With the tag team of Mark Henry-Evan Bourne, WWE protects Mark Henry and Bourne is the obvious weak link. I'm getting pretty tired of Bourne's status and him flashing the "victory" sign.

-Jericho's back on Raw. Looks like some mid-card jobbers called the DX Army aren't doing their job of making sure Jericho stays out. Come on, Shelton Benjamin and Finlay.

What was cool about the Tyson bits backstage was that "Fight Night Round 5" was playing in the background, and poor "video game Tyson" was getting knocked out every time. I was paying more attention to the video game than what HBK and Tyson were saying.

-You're depressed about Bourne's future on Raw? Egads, take a look at Jack Swagger. He's running around the ring like a dum-dum. He says that he's going to win the rumble and headline WrestleMania. Twice. At this point, I was wondering if Swagger wasn't auditioning to become the next Eugene.

So far the only reason to check out the actual Rumble match is to see if WWE gives a feel-good moment with Santino absurdly eliminating opponents. Last year's Rumble match was a disappointment because the rumble match lacked the "magic" of standout Rumbles in years past. Not a lot of people are going to buy the Rumble PPV if the main events are Sheamus vs. Orton (two evil, despicable heels) and Undertaker vs. Mysterio vs. Batista ("Next week, another #1 contender's match!").

-The "triple shot" match with Kofi vs. Cena vs. Orton was a fugly entre with a hint of Orton pettiness. Will Orton resist the urge to defecate into a Diva's purse again? The voices in his head tell him to do so! Buy the Rumble to find out!

Considering how Sheamus's last recent victory was a two-minute squash over a woodland elf, I'm not ready to buy into Sheamus vs. Orton at the PPV. But this outcome wasn't predictable.

-Close camera shots of Tyson playing jump rope with Hornswoggle's intestines. Great stuff.

-Miz's promo on Raw is one that will go on his DVD. His delivery reminds me a lot of Chris Jericho. He made you feel for him, as he painted himself as a poor soul who was picked upon by WWE dinosaur bullies like JBL. But that hate fueled his fire to succeed.

Where the hell was this promo? Especially when he was in a match with Santa Claus? It gave a lot of weight to his character.

It was surprising that a lengthy, mindful promo aired on Raw. This bit probably won't do too well in terms of ratings, but man, a good promo on Raw was long overdue.

MVP wasn't half-bad as well, talking about how they live in a "circus" (MVP's "you just stand there and suck" line made me chuckle) and about he's an animal. Kudos to these guys for delivering and kudos to WWE for giving these guys the air time to lay down their thing. I hope the actual match-up can top the hype.

-I enjoyed it when during the Eve vs. Katie Lea Burchill match, guest announcer Maryse uttered this cardinal wrestling sin: "This is boring." Yikes. Poor Cole had to cover up for the French dummy.

-Vince McMahon comes out and says...a whole lot of nothing about Bret. Understandable. I wouldn't mind a Bret appearance at the Rumble. The PPV right now is as sexy as Scott Hall becoming a TNA tag team champion. Hey yo.

Turns out Vince McMahon's acting class is just him bending over in front of wrestlers and speaking out of "Daisy," his beloved ass: "What are we going to do, Daisy?" "We're going to squash TNA! Yeah! Right into the dirt!" "Want to see a puppet show, Daisy?"

Plus there's some crying about people who left him. "Why? Why, Shane, why? Wahhh!" This actually goes on for four hours. Then wrestlers watch cartoons for acting skills ("Big eyes, big words!") Then wrestlers have to drink a gallon of Draino to get that gravely voice down. Acting, ladies and gentlemen! Acting!

Guess I concern myself more with Community Theatre Cody's ability to tell a story while wrestling, not speaking.

-As a heel, should Batista be using the word "please?"

-Next week, Undertaker shoots down HBK's Wrestlemania offer because the Smackdown "yet another #1 Contender's match next week!" streak is way more important than 17-0 at WrestleMania. I concur.

-I was getting excited with Mike Tyson in the ring. Then that damn Hornswoggle comes out dressed in cute whittle boxing gear and I vomited all over my TV screen.

Nice to see Mike Tyson have closure with Shawn Michaels and all of that. It's good for fans of Mike Tyson, but for fans of WWE, this campy closure crap is wearing just a bit thin. I think I'm just about to O.D. on Hornswoggle and yet WWE keeps wanting to inject me once again. Enough.

-In closing, let me urge TNA one thing: Don't do this on Impact. We have hope now.



(credit to ugo.com, mediaphotobucket.com, and bayd.info/dwn/domatus_pic for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com. Follow me on facebook - facebook.com/ShaneMcKinley88.

We suggest these recent related articles...

10/5 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Natalya vs. Paige, Owens vs. Cara, Stephanie McMahon, Sasha Banks, Xavier Woods

COLLECTIBLES COLUMN: The History of Foam Hands in Pro Wrestling

9/28 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Kane's Split Personality, Divas Revolution, Heyman & Big Show, Reigns vs. Wyatt