-Conan O' Brien To Join WWE, Feud with Abraham Washington
"It's better than performing at children's parties, I guess," says Conan

-Bischoff Brings In Jay Leno, Drools On Himself
"We're losing him, brother!" says Hulk Hogan



-Matt Striker Currently Trying To Make Himself Dumber In Order To Appeal To WWE's Demographic
"I'm committed to my job," says Striker as he shoves crayons up his nose

-TNA To Do "Storyline Remakes" From The '90s
"We'll get Halloween Havoc 97 right this time, brother," says Hogan

-Wrestling Fan Who Claims He Doesn't Watch Wrestling Anymore Confesses He Does
"I'm addicted to a product that's aimed at impressionable eight-year-olds!" fans exclaims



-Hornswoggle Joins TNA, Brings New Low To TNA's Product
WWE former cruiserweight champion's actions in TNA deemed "demonic" by the Vatican



-Jesus Christ To Fight C.M. Punk
"Way things are going right now, WWE wouldn't even put that fight on ECW," says Punk

-WWE Writer Struggles To Write Skit Involving Michael Cole and Vintage Wine
"I've been up for three days and I'm hallucinating real bad", says writer

-Miz Gets Run Over By JBL, Forgets To Thank JBL, Gets Push Squashed after waking up from his coma, WWE officials tell Miz that he's dropping his title to Chris Masters



-Amazing Red Walks Into White House Unnoticed
"What am I, invisible? Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hello?" screams Red in Oval Office

-Absurdity's Shane McKinley Has Mark Henry Smash His Father's Kneecaps
"He wouldn't buy me a smart phone," whines disgraced Internet writer

-Paul Heyman Wishes He Was Vince Russo In The Dying Days Of WCW
"I wish it was me in that pope mobile," says Heyman



-John Morrison To Fight The Great Khali To Protect America's Toilets.
"Toilets have the right to live without fear of being sit on by Khali," says JoMo

-Kevin Nash currently stuffing sugar pills in Viagra bottles
"It's my God-given talent to rip people off," says Big Sexy

-Jeff Hardy and Homicide To Form A Tag Team Called "The Ganja Guys"
"We're the next Cheech and Chong, dude," says the Rainbow Haired Warrior

-Bret Hart To Punch Jerry Lawler In The Mouth For No Real Good Reason
"I just feel like doing it," says The Executioner of Excellence

-TNA To Change Their Name To ASS
"POO was second choice," says Dixie Carter



-Evan Bourne "Happy" To Be Always Losing
"I'm like the every man, but even more pathetic," states Bourne

-WWE's Josh Matthews Claims That The 2010 Royal Rumble Will Be The "Bestest One Yet"
"It only happens once a year!" boasts PPV hype man

-Matt Hardy Wins The Nobel Peace Prize, Blows Off Award Ceremony To Play Video games
"I blame the Internet crowd," says Matt

-Lance Hoyt Bewildered, Confused In His "Intense" Lance Archer Role
"I just want to go back to playing with plastic guitars," says Hoyt

-The Beautiful People Flash Their Yoo-hoos On Live Television
"For a minute there, I thought I saw Heaven," says TNA fan

-Carlito Still Employed, Loses Bet
"What do I have to do to get fired?" exclaims Carlito

-Ric Flair Sues Zack Ryder For "Woo Woo Woo" Gimmick Infringement
"The 16-time world champion is really, really desperate," says Flair's lawyer



-Triple H Reaches Level 21 In Facebook's Castle Age
"I'm just wasting time until WrestleMania, really," says the Kings of Kings



-Randy Orton Joins The Cast Of Jersey Shore, Punts Snooki in the head, Orton's lawyer facepalms himself

-Time Theorist Claims that Time Split Into An Alternative Universe Around 1998
"Why else would certain people think that the Nasty Boys are relevant?" says theorist



-Vince Russo Injures Self With Toothpaste At Impact Taping #1 YouTube sensation, Russo blind

-Sheamus Denies Secret Affair With Stephanie McMahon, but the "Trips-Sheamus buildup would be cool"
"Better than last year's farce, that for sure," says the pale warrior

-Revealed: WWE wrestlers plug WWE products while speaking in Spanish
"Compre productors de algul WWE ahora! Le ordeno a que haga tan!"

-Big Show Celebrates Birthday Alone
"The most depressing thing you ever saw," says Show's cat

-Wrestling Fan Asks, "Was there a steroid era in wrestling?" is later smacked upside the head

-WWE Divas Do Everything Under Two Minutes - Wrestling, eating, sleeping, and filing out their taxes all under 120 seconds

-Shane McMahon To Become Action Movie Star
On latest project, he dives off the Eiffel Tower onto a burning bus



-Fearing Being Fired, Chris Masters Trying To Jiggle Other Things
"Eyebrows, ears, balls, if I've got two of them, I'm going to jiggle them," says Masters

-Kofi Kingston Wants To Go Back To His Fake Jamaican Accent
"I was much happier speaking in 'Boom Boom' speak," says Kofi

-Stone Cold Was Sober For 8 Seconds Yesterday
"Worst time of my life," says the Rattlesnake

-Don Johnson and Jon Heder To Be Played By OVW Wrestlers
Johnson and Heder arrested, WWE states, "No one will really notice"

-Congress Says Free Healthcare For Americans Will Happen When Mike Knox Wins A Match
Senators: "Muhahahahahahahahaha!"

-Orlando Jordan Doesn't Know What He Has Done In The Wrestling World
"Something about being in JBL's Cabinet?" murmurs Orlando



-Brock Lesnar To Showcase New Yoga Called "LESNAROGA"
"PUMP YOU UP! ARGH! BREATHE IN! OUT! IN! RELAX! LESNAROGA, BITCHES!" screams Lesnar

-WWE Wants To Emulate "The Blindside" In Their Programming
"We really want to capture that patronizing B.S. Disney vibe in our product," says Vince McMahon



-Jack Swagger Pretending To Be Mentally Challenged In Order To Pick Up Women
"I'm not really proud of myself," says the all-American American

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