By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"I'm ridin' on the Thunderchief
Spit in the devil's eye
No force on earth can hurt me now
Kiss your ass goodbye
My my, ridin' with the Driver"
"Ridin' With The Driver" by Motorhead

-Did you check out Randy Orton's new dance move after he RKO'ed Sheamus? It was like ol' Randy was having a contusion. I can't blame the guy. Months of doing a thousand-yard stare can be rough on a guy. Randy has become somewhat faceish, but don't expect him to start skipping to the ring. Most likely WWE will drag out this Legacy dissolution until WrestleMania...30.

Orton vs. Sheamus did make Sheamus look weak. It's fun watching Randy Orton nearly lose his mind every time his green opponent messes up.

-Here's Bret Hart, ladies and gentlemen. Love ya, Bret baby, but ... you're kinda overstaying your welcome, if you know what I mean. Yes, I know Vince is a terrible scumbag and you're still sore from getting screwed by him so many times. Anything new to state? Not really. Well, except Bret's song: "Woe is me I was screwed woah woah woah."

So Bret goes to the back and hangs out with all of Raw's mid-card chumps, giving off the impression that hey, the Hitman is still relevant. The big orange doofus John Cena tells Bret that they should hit up the legendary Calgary Stampede so that Cena can score some horse tranquilizers. Cena and Bret walk to the limo. They see a car in the corner with its reverse lights on ominously, almost like the driver was waiting for some sort of cue from some mysterious director in a productions truck or something. Bret gets into his limo and leaves his leg out in the car doorway, baiting the mysterious car to smash the limo door into his leg. And then...a horrible accident happens.

Well, not really so horrible. More educational than anything. Here's the lesson: maybe it's true what they say about women drivers.

WWE goes a bit overboard with the lengthy "Bret's going away in an ambulance." Bret was the lucky one. He didn't have to see that Jerry Springer segment. That bit caused wrestling fans to jam the remote control in their heads.

Time to speculate: Torch reader Gavin B. wrote that the bimbo who doesn't know how to go in reverse was HBK's wife and it is setting up HBK vs. Bret. The plot thickens. Can't see HBK vs. Bret because there has been such a heavy focus on two things: Bret and Vince hate each other and the only thing Michaels NEEDS to do before he walks off into the sunset is to defeat Undertaker at WrestleMania.

However, I do picture HBK siding with Mr. McMahon himself in order to get a shot at Taker and using his wife to do his dirty work. I can also see HBK pulling an Edge at the PPV: at the Smackdown Elimination Chamber, HBK cripples a valiant John Morrison and puts himself in the match.

-Speaking about the PPV, pop quiz: Who is in the Raw Elimination Chamber match? Little to none has been featured about the wrestlers, their motivations, or their feuds. The PPV hype has been this: "You're going to buy this PPV for the Chamber match because it happens only once a year blah blah blah." Ugh.

The main reasons why I dislike WWE Gimmick PPVs? (1) WWE gets lazy with their PPV build-up, relying too heavy on the match concept to pump up the PPV and (2) who cares about the match concept? I've already seen it. I'll go back to the first Elimination Chamber (the best one so far) if I need the "Chamber fix." Why must I order Elimination Chamber? Why is it crucial for fans to buy EC and not just wait for WrestleMania? The Raw Elimination Chamber match feels undercooked. Hell, Kofi "dropping stone" Kingston is in the match.

I don't know what the hell "curling" is, but I do know that curling has way more hype to it than the Elimination Chamber PPV. Ooh, an all-curling PPV. Hell yes.

-WWE: "It's not 'ShowMiz,' it's 'ShoMiz.' Get that straight Internet crowd."

Internet Crowd: "We don't care if you called the team 'Green puke on a stick.' MVP and Mark Henry are a top tag team? What the hell happened to tag team wrestling in WWE and TNA?"

-Now let's discuss everybody's favorite segment: The Jerry Springer Skit!

Kelly Kelly. Occupation: Village Bicycle. Even Mike Knox has had a ride. Oh, WWE. You kooky kats with your PG sex references. Oh ho ho.

To be honest, I accepted the notion that Michael Cole had sex with the hussy Kelly while Santino was snoring as pure kayfabe fact. Years of absurd bits in wrestling (thanks, Vince Russo, for your sacrifices) has trained me to accept...well, pretty much anything. Years ago, I saw the late British Bulldog get Rock Bottomed into a pile of dog poop that was prepared by Mankind in a televised Smackdown match...and we considered that perfectly normal.

The reason why the Jerry Springer segment didn't go longer? WWE ran out of wacky characters. Look, I've accepted that dumb circus bits like this can't be avoided. I understand that this was to provide some comedy after the world was in mourning because Bret fell victim to another woman driver. And yes, some bits of the Springer skit were amusing. But do these bits have to be so long? Yes, it has to be. So let's just pile on this dung pile and stand back and laugh at the absurdity of it all. Ho ho ho.

Raw hit its low point with Jerry Lawler and the cast of kooky karacters go, "Gotcha! We planned this out! Brie Bella doesn't have a penis! Nobody in the ring has rampant sexual intercourse with midgets and giants! We got together and thought it would be funny! Ho ho ho! Know why? Because talk shows are trashier than wrestling shows! Booyah!"

WWE Lesson: Wrestling fans can upturn their noses to pathetic talk shows fans. "Yeah! We're stupid, but not that stupid! Yeah, boy! Uh! Uh! Cole and Kelly Kelly making whoopee with midgets! Cena vs. Triple H XVIII! Yeah!"

-Waitasec...there's a PPV coming up this Sunday? Plus it's Trips vs. Cena later tonight?

The lesson I learned is that WWE feels that they could showcase crap like this and people will stick around because "a WrestleMania main event will happen later." It's just too damn bad that Trips vs. Cena is extremely tired and it's being served up frozen cold. Imagine a dead fish with freezer burn. That's your Raw main event.

-Thank goodness there was some wrestling with Ted DiBiase vs. Kofi "#1 in Focus Groups" Kingston. Although after that Springer bomb, why even bother to have a respectable match since everything is just one big joke? Where's my Shark Boy teaming up with Hornswoggle, WWE? Huh?

-Let's get positive. It was nice to see that the writing staff has brought in a sense of "intelligence" (cough) into the product. Hear me out. Triple H talking about how HBK has been fined for his heinous actions. They even had Michael Cole talk about how all arenas have cameras in the parking lot and in the women's bathroom.

-The shirt on Batista was more engaging than Batista. There's a reason why Batista doesn't have more than a three-word vocabulary. Not to be outshined, Cena made me tap out with his boring cliches. Whenever he speaks, I'm convinced that he thinks he's in another movie. Like the fate of the world depends on his next phrase. And oh yeah, Cena going to face Trips next. Yawn. I'm ready to blow here.

-I hope to the wrestling gods that Sheamus doesn't pull a "Sid Vicious" when he does that flying bicycle kick. Sheamus's biggest move comes from a Broadway production of "Guys And Dolls." High kick, pale warrior.

-In wrestling shows, sometimes goals come first before the quality of the show. Raw's goals apparently had nothing to do with really pumping up the PPV (yes, it takes more than a fancy video package) or even a serviceable show. The matches were stale and largely awful. That Springer segment created such a huge stink that it sank Raw. I got a huge kick out of Orton's dance move and a car accident. Hooray!

-The impression I got last night was that Raw's entire roster consists of uncool dorks doing a whole lot of nothing. I want to hang out with TNA's Pope and Mr. Anderson. Their charisma feels natural compared to the controlled, focus-group-tested characters WWE trots out. And how could one resist this cute guy?

-Raw was a great TNA hype video. See you later tonight for the ECW funeral. Later.

(credit to assets.nydailynews.com, upenn.edu, and tlangton.files.wordpress.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com. Follow me on facebook - facebook.com/ShaneMcKinley88.

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