By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

-For the next Impact, I hope TNA catches up to the fans they interviewed on the Jan. 4 Impact. Remember the glee we felt when Hulkpact was going to go down? Those fans waiting to get into the Impact Zone felt it as well. They had some nice soundbytes like "Vince is going to be scared now" and "I can't wait to see TNA! It's got better talent, faster matches, and it's exciting! WWE is stale and boring!"

Now, if we catch up to those fans, what would they say? I can imagine a lot of glum fans going, "Well...there's Team 3D vs. The Wolfpack next week. Yay" or "Um...we weren't really expecting this." Heck, people are even whispering the phrase "I miss the days of Shark Boy and Prince A.J. Styles." Yikes.

-Mike Tenay and Taz urged viewers to text their homeboys to tell them that Impact was live right now (e.g. don't blame Impact for changing their start times constantly). What was I going to text? "Dude! Orlando Jordan has baby batter on his chest! FLIP. OVER. NOW. It's just so mind-blowingly outrageous!" That Orlando bit had to score higher than the "It's Your Life, Rock!" 8.4 segment. Why, because people felt a deep connection with Orlando Jordan? No, O.J.'s not simply a crudely blunt tool meant to get somebody, anybody talking about TNA.

I'm sure TNA had Homicide blast Rob Terry in the head with a steel chair just to get critics upset...because I sure as hell couldn't figure out why from a logic standpoint. Who would care about a Homicide vs. Rob Terry feud...wait, what I doing? This is TNA. This bit will be already forgotten and the booking staff will be thinking up cool names for Rob Terry to get him over. With the Rob Terry push, it feels like a battle of attrition: TNA figures that one day the fans will accept him. Just look at him! He's got biiigggg muscles! Cheer for him, dummies! We will break you!

-The more that I think about it, I don't really need an explanation for why Sting went heel. TNA doesn't give a crap about that in the first place. TNA: "Sting ate some bad tuna. Now he hates you or something. Whatever. Coming up next, Beautiful People getting semi-naked! Whooo!"

-Impact sure had a lot of bewbs and butts! That's why it's called TNA. With the Beautiful People in the Lockbox match, I had flashbacks to when Kaz fought Black Reign for control of Misty in a "Mailboxes of Mayhem" match or whatever. Why did Kaz want to own Goldust's rat? Because that's a PPV feud right there. Why is TNA playing hot potato with the Knockout Championship? Because they have a well-thought-out plan in place. Aaah.

-Kurt Angle gets rushed to the emergency room with a broken neck. Doctor asks, "Son, what were you risking your health and well-being for?" Angle replies, "Well, we were fighting over a key that escapes the cage even though this is a blood feud and both of us have been established as only caring about beating the hell out of each other." Folks, why not a Last Man Standing match...inside a cage? And you have to pin the other guy for a three count before the ref starts the ten count? It's so convoluted and needless, it's a perfect fit for TNA!

To me, the Angle-Anderson feud is still the highlight of Impact's product right now. Considering how the last PPV went down, Team Flair vs. Team Hogan might have a choreographed dance routine in it. "5! 6! 7! 8! Kick up those heels, Abyss!"

-I can imagine Howard Stern being in a main event feud. Yup, it would blow, but hey, it would grab eyeballs and hey, people actually know who Howard Stern is. Who is Bubba the Love Sponge? Why? What? When? Where? I thought Bubba was fired already. So, TNA does what any stubborn wrestling organization would do: take someone everyone complains about, make that guy even more of a heel in the hopes that people really do feel "hatred" about Bubba, and pat themselves on the back. I don't feel hatred. I feel confusion about why this guy keeps showing up on my screen.

-Douglas Williams vs. Mr. Glam Rock isn't quite what I had in mind for an X Division feud, but I'll roll with it.

-Wait, you're telling me that Desmond Wolfe (Nigel McGuiness) was a badass in ROH? Really? He sure isn't being portrayed like one nowadays.

-I'm interested to see what the ratings are for this show. We all know that complaints leveled against Impact have little weight if they are pulling in big numbers. There will undoubtedly be a drop-off for Impact's second hour, but I'm not worried. After all, TNA advertised a ladder match and girls taking off clothes. Some dudes like that stuff.

But if the ratings tank again...well, hopefully next month they get it right. TNA is like an abstract painting. You need a team of research assistants to figure out the booking logic and storyline developments.

That's it for me. Duke won! Yes!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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