By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Said I was doing things that never should be done
But I don't care about their rules
As if I cared 'bout their little minds
In the little heads of the herd
There's nothing you could dream
That would be more absurd...
I don't know what it is they're trying to do to me
Make me into some sick joke
But no one's laughing
And least of all not me
It's hard to laugh as you choke"
-"Rock Hard Times" by The Eels

-While on Facebook, I saw the following ad near my mindless postings, with a picture of a young NWO: "THE BAND AKA THE WOLFPACK!"

It's time to come back, Old Skool Wrestling lovers. The Band is back!

-So, apparently Orlando Jordan has signed a multi-year deal with TNA for bucko bucks. Meanwhile TNA let Christopher Daniels walk away. Hey, you gotta admit, it is entertaining to see TNA management flop around like chickens with their heads cut off. I'm almost expecting TNA to have three shows on Monday nights just because they feel like it.

Speaking about O.J., he's apparently feuding with Rob Terry. So, it's the "steroid" freak vs. the sick freak. Um, who do I root for?

-To recap, TNA moved to Monday nights. Then, they cut off their Thursday lifeline and boasted, "we're going to make it on Monday night and compete head-to-head with Raw! Just look at our talent!" Then, they flip-flopped Impact's starting times. Remember when Dixie Tweeted that the only time you could catch Impact was on Monday Nights? Well, TNA tucked their tails behind their legs after that 0.6 bomb and re-upped on their Thursday Night Impact timeslot.

Amidst these examples of TNA's excellent planning for the future, two shows have been added - the ever-elusive "TNA Epics" (the next one will feature Foley vs. Nash! Ooh!) and "TNA Reaction," where it's an hour of Rob Terry doing shoot promos.

I don't mind TNA diving into heavy interviews with their characters, because such things help bring weight to feuds, but most of TNA's characters are uninteresting and boring. I would rather get an explanation from Vince Russo on the thought process behind the booking. Even if the explanation doesn't make a lick of sense, fans would appreciate it. We have no idea why the Knockouts Title had to be given away in a lockbox. Wrestlers know that all of their hard work can be shot to crud from one bad booking decision.

I also wouldn't mind a return to TNA's Rough Cuts. I still remember the Cute Kip vs. Road Dogg buildup using the Rough Cut. Egads.

And, holy moly, five hours of wrestling on Monday Night? I think I'm going to check out "Reaction" (better than sad NXT?) and catch Impact on Thursdays. I've got "Pawn Stars" and "Dancing With The Stars" to catch on Monday nights.

But what is TNA going to do about the last hour of Impact? Impact is making fans tap out after the first hour. Here are some suggestions I have for what they can do...

(1) Knockouts strip. Yes, take people who have trained and sacrificed to become wrestlers, and make them into strippers. Watch as these girls shimmy and shake to see who can become the top Knockout Stripper champion. They could have a pole shoot-out from the middle of the ring. Think of the ratings!

(2) Homicide bashes cow heads with steel chairs. TNA just can't get over their chair shot fetish. And they won't even bother with chair shots with feuds that actually matter, say a main event feud. Nope, they gave it last time to Homicide, a man who clearly wants out of TNA, but TNA won't release him.

So here's the plan. TNA trots out cows to the ring. And before you animal activists get huffy, uh, these cows have "Mad cow disease." And they're convicted murders who worship Satan. So Homicide is doing them a favor by bashing them in the head with steel chairs. The pro of this decision would be that living human beings wouldn't have to suffer through dementia in the later years of the life. The con of this is that Spike TV won't get how truly cool this bit can be. Spike TV suit: "So, you're...doing cow chair shots? What the hell is wrong with you? We'll go with Knockouts stripping for an hour."

(3) TNA starts hiring bands to play during the Xbox division matches. Yes, just like WCW did with Kiss and Megadeath. It's too big to fail!

(4) TNA hunts down and wipes out people who dare criticize the TNA regime. Much like a corrupt government, TNA won't directly address their problems. So they'll do the next best thing: point out that detractors are terrorists or even take them out. You have been warned. Rumor is that there's a "TNA education camp" in the marshes of Florida camp.

(credit to cache.g4tv.com, i.ytimg.com, blogs.citypages.com, i172.photobucket.com and nwafloridatv.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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