By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Lovin me baby that's a no-no
I'm better when I touch and go
I'm trying to add yo name to my hall of fame
Not just a player, I'm a pro lover"
-"Pro Lover" by Usher

Smackdown was a rewarding show to watch. I really like when a show starts off with a bang, like Jack Swagger vs. John Morrison. No 20-minute long spiels, no long-winded "get set for the greatest show on earth! Here's 20 different angles in 20 minutes" type of crud. Just a good and simple contest with Jack Swaggah and John Morrison. We wrestling fans want quality, dang it!

I have a bad feeling that due to Swagger's lisp, his "I don't have a speech impediment" line will become a catchphrase. I understand that Swagger's lisp is obvious and it's a quick way to fans to laugh at him, but it's a bit sleazy. "Hey, Shawn Michaels, thanks for retiring, you cross-eyed weirdo! Ha ha!"

-Ideally, an explanation for why somebody is heel in wrestling should be simple. Even if I have been following the product, every time Batista is on Raw, I should get the vibe that this guy is a bad dude. It shouldn't just be because Mike Tenay tells me so.

And, heel characters should be easily defined, not a twisting and confusing passage. These explanations can be even one or two words. Batista: spotlight. Shad Gaspard: My Time. Meanwhile in TNA, Sting: um, because he is still holding onto his '90s Hogan grudge?

Shad Gaspard had a serviceable heel promo. In the old days, many a promo consisted of jacked-up dudes spitting and snarling talking about how they were going to totally vaporize their opponent. By contrast, Shad's promo had a message that anybody could connect to.

-Why is everyone ripping on MVP's gimmick? David Otunga and Shad Gaspard are pretty much stealing from him.

According to the Raw review, Raw was the Otunga show. And he wasn't half-bad. WWE seems committed into making him work. After all, they still show off The Ultimate Warrior in their "The World is Watching" intro, even though all Warrior did was nearly injure other wrestlers by dropping them on their heads.

-Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy looks to be a simple TV feud. It's obvious that McIntyre needs an opponent with charisma to hide his rather plain wrestling style, and Matt fit that bill.

-You see, C.M. Punk has magical hair. His hair represents all that is good and just in the world...or something. Whatever. A bald C.M. Punk would be mad creepy. Rey Mysterio wants to put an end to the Straight Edge Society. I hope Rey Rey wins. Cerveza y drogas para todos!

Darren Young looked like he belonged in the Broadway presentation of "The Lion King" with his get-up. He's on that NXT show that no adult watches. One of the dumbest decisions WWE made was announcing that in six weeks time they were going to start firing people. So you're saying you want me to sit through six weeks of pointless wrestling? Good luck with that.

So those old farts in WWE decided to have wrestlers carry kegs. Next week, NXT Rookies will be in a sack race as Michael Cole taunts them, "13-time World Champion Triple H would have won the sack race in a heartbeat!" Hey, can the NXT Rookies see the outside world with a camera crew? I know that WWE created these NXT Rookies from their test tubes, but it would be nice knowing that these guys have an actual life outside the arena.

-I like the Dudebusters. Their shtick reminds me of old-school Edge and Christian. They're a couple of clowns, but a fun bunch of clowns. My jaw dropped to the floor as Matt Striker talked about how the Dudebusters "were as cool as the Ipad." WWE mentioning a current hip thing!

It warms the cockles of my heart that the Hart Dynasty is getting their big push. Giving them the Sharpshooter...that's groovy.

Meanwhile on Raw, Ted DiBiase is playing tiddly-winks with his Million Dollar belt. The rumor is that DiBiase is going to form a group of yuppies called "Fortunate Sons." Gee, didn't we just go through Legacy? Oh well. All that I ask is that viewers get the sense that these fortunate sons are truly rich douche bags. All the time in Legacy, I kept thinking "Cody Rhodes probably runs home after the show to play Legend of Zelda."

-I got the sense on Smackdown that they are moving forward with new stars. Take Dolph Ziggler for instance. What I like about WWE is that even though it's PG, WWE still has a collection of psychos and weirdos. I'm digging Dolph's Beverly Hills psycho character right now. After he perms his hair, he's gonna choke you out.

It looks like it's going to be a triple threat match at Extreme Rules between Chris Jericho, Edge, and Jack Swagger. It's evident that WWE has Swagger on a short leash. I don't really care if Jack Swagger = low ratings. To me, it's a breath of fresh air in the musty halls of WWE.

That's it for me. I'm going to go watch Hulk Hogan's "No Holds Barred!" The best movie ever!

(credit to gigsinc.com and assets.huluim.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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