By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist




"Thanks, Shawn. Thanks a lot. You just couldn't come out of retirement, could ya? You just couldn't have dropped everything and fly up to New Jersey to help us out, could ya? I was left all alone trying to save Raw. In fact, it was me, Undertaker, and the rest of the scrubs! We could have saved Raw, Shawn! I hope you're happy with yourself. You make me sick."

-WWE cut some dead wood on Thursday, most noticeably Shelton Benjamin, who had the personality of dead wood. I suspect that the future endeavored Jimmy Wang Yang will become the next X Division champion. Why Carlito still has a job with WWE I'll never know. Carlito's a lifer. And I'm holding back my tears regarding Mike Knox getting canned. Sniff.

***image3**-Daniel Bryan, the man who once wrestled with a shattered eye socket, is stuck in WWE NXT, or the Chuck E. Cheese of the wrestling world. Matt Striker: "Tonight, we're going to test your stamina. We're going to put you NXT Rookies in the fun tubes. First one that gets out gets to have their face stamped on an expired, soggy WWF Ice Cream bar! Mmm! Think of the publicity!"

Apparently these "American Gladiators" tests are meant to challenge different traits of the wrestlers. I can understand having NXT guys cut promos on flowers and crap, because sometimes you've got to work on the fly. But what the hell does balancing and fighting each other with large Q-tips have to do with anything? Oh wait, I'm sorry, that's what Cena and Batista are gonna do at the PPV. Then they're gonna climb a big Velcro wall and then get into big rollerballs and then...heck, why not bring back Mike Adamle to announce when "Keath Slader" faces "Wolf" in the...main event? Stay watching!"

The problem is that WWE won't pull back the curtain and showcase something that actually interesting: Rookies and Pros going over their match, Rookies trying to sleep on row 34B on a redeye flight, Rookies getting their collarbones broken and forced to finish a match, and so forth. Nope, there's none of that. Personally, it's hard to see viewers sticking around for the second season of NXT...if there is one.

It's funny: WWE is stopping matches because someone gets a miniscule nosebleed and TNA is having wrestlers gush blood in every match on the card. Both mindsets are absurd to me. Both are going in the extreme of their chosen path.

Okay, it's time to hype up Extreme Rules. To do this properly, I'm officially entering "really excited Triple H cutting a promo" stance...




All right. All cozy and ready to go. Yawn....here we go.

"Okay. How y'all feeling about Extreme Rules? Kinda meh? I know, me too. But it was that volcano's fault. But I'll be there, along with some other guys. Hey, Lillian, stop horsing around. This is an A to B conservation with my fans, so C your way out of it. You have Cena vs. Batista in a Last Man Standing match. It ain't over till the fat lady sings...hey you, in the front row, that means you. Suffering succotash! Swaggerz facing Ortonz! That punk Teddy's probably gonna run in...or something. I haven't been paying attention. Ow, my neck hurts. Hey, didn't R-Truth die or something? I'll pick Swaggerz tull winz. Sheamus doesn't have a prayer against me. Because I'm the game, and it's all about how you play the game and...zzzz..."

-That's it for me. So long, Mike Knox...sniff...I'm gonna go bawl my eyes out...wah...

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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