By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Lord, please don't forsake me
In my Mercedes Benz
All the riches and the ruins
Now we all know how that story ends
Strange apparition
Haunting my brain
Standing on the last legs
Of a dream that walked away"
-"Strange Apparition" by Beck

I watched "Extreme Rules" last night, up to the ending of Edge vs. Jericho. And to be honest, I felt somewhat disgusted. Was it really worth $45 to see this same old PG crap? Then, I woke up this morning and watched Cena vs. Batista. I thought it was one of the better Last Man Standing matches I've seen. And Cena + Last Man Standing matches usually equal a lot of fast-forwarding. Here, I wish they had more time. Damn you, JTG and Shad. Just had to get time, didn't ya?

-The PPV starts off with a warning that this is an extreme PPV, so minors should not watch it. Seriously, it's extreme. And if you believe that, there's a bridge in Brooklyn that Vince McMahon wants to sell ya (sorry, still on my "old Triple H cliches" vibe). Older viewers are wise in knowing that Extreme Rules isn't all that extreme. Heck, coming into tonight, I was expecting a regular old PPV with just some more weapon teases.

-What a night for Triple H. First, WWE goes with the notion that Trips is going to open the PPV. Take that, Internet. Triple H goes limp (that's what she said) in the arm due to Sheamus attacking him with the mighty Scottish weapon of an American Steel pipe. I was fine with what went down: Trips gets his hero story while Sheamus gets his mighty villain story. The Pale Warrior is more evil than Vader, I tell ya. He's a horrible monster who has a horrible name for his finishing move: "Pale Justice." Mikey Cole tells us that Sheamus came up with that (and not some old WWE writer whose favorite movie is "Pale Rider.") Get it? Sheamus is pale. His finishing move is "Pale Justice" (along with "Broadway Hi-Kick!"). Nice to see the pale fella have a sense of humor.

-The PPV eventually starts with ShoMiz in an extreme gauntlet match. ShoMiz wasn't hyped to be on the card. You see, wrestling companies are trying out this new thing now where they only announce half of the card beforehand and "Paul Heyman it" while the PPV is going on. ShoMiz had to face three tag teams. Here's what I remember from them:

1. Morrison & R-Truth: WWE keeps a collection of R-Truth clones just in case they feel the need to kill one.

2. Mark Henry & MVP: Sure, Chavo, I'm sure Mark Henry was just shouting out nice things to that "nobody." That's what Mark Henry does. He's just a friendly sort of chap. Who spreads these malicious lies and rumors that he called that fan "a little bitch" and threw beer at him? Why does Chavo have to defend Marky? To be honest, Chavo, I believed you more when you were twittering that you losing to Hornswoggle for 20 matches in a row was a "good thing" and was "entertaining."

3. The Hart Dynasty: Bret Hart never changes his clothes apparently.

-I like Wayne Brady. He can sing, dance, and entertain. And he was killer in that "training day" skit with Dave Chappelle. But that was a long time ago. And this is PG WWE. Maybe while dancing for the 30th time on Raw, Wayne Brady can get killed by Awesome Kong.

I know, I keep pimping the idea of Awesome Kong in WWE. But it's a perfect fit. Kong can be a PG monster who eats other Divas. And she might as well give Gail Kim something to do. What was up with that "Extreme Makeover" match? Beth Phoenix won the belt, yadda yadda yadda. Did you see the extremeness of how McCool used that ironing board? Or when Beth did a plastic pail head shot?

-It might sound a bit cruel, but in my book, trash can lid head shots (and I suppose plastic pail head shots) are welcomed and encouraged.

-C.M. Punk twirled his hair so much I thought he was starring in a shampoo ad. Bless their hearts, those writers. They had to craft up some baloney that C.M. Punk's hair is "magical" and "pure" and "represents all the good in the world."

-The tri-headed monster of Cole-Lawler-Striker was fine for most of the night. I enjoyed them beefing with each other. I valued their personal contributions that didn't really have anything to do with the match. (Lawler: "Memphis has the second highest crime rate.") I was happy when Cole snapped at Striker to "call the match."

But, most of all, I immensely enjoyed them endlessly talking about the match storylines and how injured Edge/Mysterio/Triple H/The Whole Damn Roster were. I understand that these guys/gals are all wrestling injured one way or another, but their bones are not made of toothpicks. And stop with these meatheads "being so smart for targeting the injured body part." This isn't MMA. Some of these dudes were lucky to finish high school. If I hear "takes out so and so's move" again, I'll personally slap Striker in the face myself.

Yes, along with some of you, I don't really like the announcing setup WWE has for their PPVs. But they can't get rid of any of the guys, and they don't feel that Todd "Capital of Thailand!" Grisham is PPV material. Standing outside the "trainer's room" giving fake Triple H injury announcements? Todd's all over that.

-So who's the bald man that interfered in the C.M. Punk vs. Mysterio match? I've heard Christopher Daniels. I've heard Joey "the guy whose face exploded" Mercury. Nah, it's most likely Christopher Daniels. Why am I so sure? The dude looked like he was wearing guy liner. And we all know how the Fallen Angel can't resist putting guy liner on.

-You know, I can dig guys hitting each other with a strap. Know what I can't dig? That guys have to touch all four corners. The match concept is so silly and childish; they should be playing ring around the rosy. But yeah, JTG and Shad got to brag about how they had a real PPV match. It kind of liked them better when they were educating me about bodacious street words and whatnot. That's okay, though. I'll pretend Shad is Stevie Ray from WCW and that JTG is a PG Lil Wayne. Yeah! Okay!

-Jack Swagger. Know how WWE gets their fans to hate him? By having Swagger give boring promos and do boring matches. Swag vs. Orton was pretty much Swag lulling everyone into a nice sleep with his domination of Orton.

Orton livened things up a bit with some violent, bloody, hardcore wrestling. Meanwhile I'm thinking that WWE could earn some extra bread by marketing this "viper" gimmick. I dunno, Orton bringing out a snake with him like Jake "The Snake" Roberts? Just imagine Orton cutting a promo on how much he loves Medusa.

WWE gave Swagger and Sheamus huge pushes. They're very competent in the ring and on the mic. Heck, any sane person running a wrestling company would push these guys in order to get younger. But it's going to take time. For Sheamus, it's hard for me to get over the fact that he reminds me of an old-school '80s comic book villain Vince would trot out. For Swagger, for such a bright guy, he sure looks like he has nothing but air in his head when he stares dully at the camera.

-Over the Limit PPV: I was going make a joke about wrestlers getting a DUI, but WWE wrestlers don't drink. At all. Because all of these guys are PG-safe choir boys. Maybe Mark Henry threw that beer at the fan because Henry was resisting the alcohol temptation. Or maybe the fan was the guy who brought up the "Mae Young prosthetic hand" idea way back then and Mark recognized him.

In the old days, this is how you could tell if you were dealing with a good wrestler or a bad wrestler. Say you see a wrestler at a bar and you want an autograph:

You: Hey, can I get your autograph?
Bad Wrestler: (turns around and drunkenly pees on you) Ha ha, you little bleeping bleep. Go home to your momma, bleep you and bleep bleep bleep"

You: Hey, can I get your autograph?
Good Wrestler: (turns around and drunkenly pees on you) Sure thing, buddy! But you gotta buy me another beer first!

-Do you know what's extreme? Welts. Plastic Pails. Two trash can lids shots. And a chair spot. That's extreme. That was what was going through most of our minds before Cena vs. Batista happened.

-Jericho gets interviewed backstage. Josh Matthews brings up that Jericho lost to NXT Rookie Health Slater. I'm shocked. Not that Jericho lost to a Slater, but that WWE thinks that NXT is so important to viewers that they felt the need to build a PPV segment around it. It was like, "wait, you're still pretending NXT is relevant?" Here's hoping that the end of the NXT season comes quick and that the NXT Rookies all get WWE jobs (what the hell, even Michael Tarver).

-Edge vs. Jericho should probably not happen again. But, hey, give these guys credit. Orton didn't have to take that slam through a steel chair. Trips didn't have to do a backdrop on the steel ramp. And Edge sure as heck didn't have to take a weird Codebreaker from the top rope. But these guys do these moves, and it's appreciated.

But, Edge vs. Jericho in that cage match...meh. I didn't enjoy it. The announcing here reached its breaking point for me here. I was groaning a lot. But then Jericho started blubbering because Edge hurt his whittle ankle.

You know, there's only one guy I can think of who could pull off the "I'm a babyface but I'm insane; let's get nuts!" trick: Sting. Edge is disheveled, hairy, looks like he hasn't slept for days, and he's often got this deranged look in his eyes. So yeah, Edge as face isn't really clicking that well.

-My hunch is Randy Orton is going be moved to Smackdown to feud with Swag. Sheamus will feud with Cena on Raw. And Batista will feud with anyone who brings up the point that the last shot of Dave in WWE was him taped around the ankles crotch-hugging a metal pole.

When I first heard that the Last Man Standing match ended with John "Hustle Loyalty Respect Duct-Taping" Cena getting crazy with duct tape, I had a thought: don't complain about not getting a movie role when you're about to leave the company, or the bookers will make you look like a chump.

But, when I saw the match, it made sense because Cena vs. Batista was a war. And another wrestler can use Cena duct-taping poor Batty as ammo to use against the Annoying Orange. And WWE can keep that embarrassing footage of Batista trapped, just like how they kept Goldberg and Lesnar getting stunned by Stone Cold.

Cena vs. Batista saved the PPV. Reports have Batista leaving the company and his next job, oddly enough, will involve him wrapping his legs around a metal pole. Wonder what that could be.

One final note on Batista. It was a thing of beauty when Batista was jawing with the fans. A pipsqueak kid: "I hate you Batista!" Batty: "I hate you too!" Man, he's acting so good as a jerk! "Hey, Batista, I love your work!" Batista: "Shut the bleep up you dumb bleep glad I'm leaving this motherbleeping business bleep this bleep and bleep you." Wow, he's really into his heel role!

Extreme Rules Grade: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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