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Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 7/29
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist
A - Anndddd there goes the stock price. Only in WWE do you have a C.O.O. named Triple H with his own theme song and corresponding lime green lights. I’m sure the investors are giddy. Imagine what kind of business degree a guy called “The Game” must have. I bet his diploma has a scratch-and-sniff sticker! Come on, grape!
B - By the way, everyone’s music should be switched to Christian’s “Just Close Your Eyes.” All other songs are an insult.
C - Christian’s hair is getting thinner daily. Pretty soon he’s going to look like a combination of Dusty Rhodes and Dr. Evil. So...that’s a good image. Better get that face run in while you can!
D - Distinguished. WWE did a nice job distinguishing Triple H and Vince’s styles. Triple H is more uncouth (my new favorite word) and raw to Vince’s more business approach. That was the only way this could work. The gap between them is wonderful.
E - Everybody loves R-Truth! Mr. Truth is a genius. He’s the non-annoying version of Santino. Being scared of spiders will never not be funny. I mean, it’s wrestling, not Survivor. Why would being scared of spiders ever come into play in the ring? Or will it? It’s the conspiracy!
F - For real guys. Here’s my thoughtful analysis of the Christian-Orton match at Summerslam. This is going to take a while. It’s about eight paragraphs. Here we go: I think it’s zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...huh? What? What was I talking about? Is “Mama’s Family” on yet? I love Vinton. Every time he says “buuttt Ma-ma!” I crack up.
G - Grade A-. Smackdown remains on an incredible streak. The matches are good, the mid-card storylines are excellent, and everything makes sense. I don’t know what to say. It was better than Hornswoggle’s Nike sneakers, but not as good as saying “uncouth.” Try it. Uncouth.
H - Holy wow, Christian is getting major canned boos. They got them turned up to 11. What a great idea! I mean, if the crowd isn’t reacting the right way to someone, the logical solution is to pretend people are. Duh. Why would WWE switch him? It’s much easier (and more fun) to play sound effects.
I - I love Wade Barrett, but really? Is that the promo you’re going with? Nice work, Gordon Gecko. Any more musings about greed?
J - Just sayin’, Wade’s right. Don’t compare him to Heath Slater. That’s not fair. Heath Slater should be compared to luminaries like The Shockmaster, Bastion Booger, and that one Walmart greeter who clearly doesn’t know he’s at a Walmart.
K - Kind of sad. Are you happy now, Zack Ryder fans? He’s the new Hornswoggle. Great work everyone. Bravo. That whole “Ryder for Champ” thing really worked out. Someone get this guy a t-shirt cannon and some prime beachfront real estate under the ring. Please, never start a “Charles for Champ” trend. Thanks in advance.
L - Let’s just put it out in the open. Can we stop pretending that “WWE Superstar” is a thing? Not only is it terribly ironic for half the guys on the roster (Best. Joke. Ever.), but no one actually says “WWE Superstar” outside of WWE. Little kids want to be wrestlers not “WWE Superstars.” Can we agree to end this?
M - Man, this is great. I’m thrilled. It looks like Gabriel is finally turning face. Heels can’t have finishes as over as the 450 splash. Plus, he doesn’t look very tough. He constantly looks like he’s searching for his lost puppy.
N - Nope. Not working. Why does Kaitlyn dress like Peg Bundy from “Married With Children?” Of all the ring gear to pick, she goes with a leopard print top? Does that come with bon-bons, a TV remote, and a welfare check?
O - Oh my. Are you serious? That guy is a wrestler? Where’s his backpack? Isn’t this a school night? “Bobby Howard has got to be on the free lunch program, he hasn’t seen a good meal in years." Also, is it bad that I thought he was Johnny Curtis when I first saw him?
P - Please, somebody save Bobby Howard! He has gym class tomorrow! It’s dodgeball day. This is a terrific gimmick for Mark Henry, by the way. It’s almost like a Mike Tyson circa 1985 gimmick. It’s absolutely believable that no one would want to face him. A+ build up, too. I never thought Henry could be this legitimate.
Q - Quotes.
Cole (mocking Rosa): “2 + 2 = 5" Part of me hopes he was actually trying to compliment her and accidentally showed his mathematical deficiencies.
Cole (to Booker): “I bet you wish you had legs like Alicia Fox." Booker: “Sometimes I do..” What the hell, Book? That was creepy.
R - Really awesome. Yes, Sheamus face turn! This is much needed. It can’t be Randy Orton vs. the world forever. It’s an excellent story, too. The image of Sheamus, a 6'8" brawler standing up to the unstoppable Henry is great. Very heroic.
S - So, I’d like to thank Book for making a point I think everyone else was scared to make: The Usos are pretty easy to tell apart. One has “extra baggage” as it were. They should just call them Skinny and Chubs. Mostly because the name Chubs makes me giggle.
T - Totally right. If Zeke has to lose, I suppose a handicap match is the best platform. Everything was well done here. Plus, I got to see Cody Rhodes this week. Maybe now I can start sleeping okay again.
U - Uh, that was awful, Jinder and Khali. I’d say it was the worst promo ever, but I still have nightmares about the “Mustache Promo” on NXT. What language was their promo? I’m not sure what was more unintelligible: Khali’s English or Jinder’s foreign speak (yeah, I don’t know what language he speaks; I’m sure I’ll get 70 emails telling me, though). I’d like to see the closed captions for this.
Khali: “Yellow capitalism couch beard!”
Jinder Mahal: “Jango Fett butter scotch tape!”
V - Very sneaky, sis. No one remembers that commercial? Anywho, did R-Truth really just use the “Waterbottle of Doom” again? Oh no! Don’t get his hair wet! He just did that himself before he came out. You monster! I’m disappointed with Cole for encouraging Truth too. It’s a weapon? Come on. Chopsticks and Christmas Lights are deadlier weapons. Limp Bizkit CD’s are more dangerous.
W - Wow, these fans are bloodthirsty.
Orton: “Should I go beat up the defenseless, crazy guy again?”
You all should be embarrassed. Tsk tsk, I say. Tsk tsk.
X - Xylophone.
Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: You had no problem with Zack Ryder magically joining the show. After all, everyone is on every show! It’s one big happy family.
Z - Zero: The amount of footnotes I can put in my column. You’re lucky, I was going to go all David Foster Wallace up in this hizzy. I was going to make this column have more additional reading than a badly-sourced Wikipedia article. That’s an intelligent burn and a tech burn. That’s a two-hit combo, folks. And, finally, the amount of other zero jokes I can have now thanks to typing all of that.
As always, you can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. Additionally, you can check out hilarious top 5 lists and other randomness from me on my blog “The Midnight Snack” at themidnightsnack.blogpspot.com. And find yourself a nice girl! You’re too handsome to be alone. Sorry, that was my grandma. Back into the cage you old bat! That’s terrible...
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