Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 12/9
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Amazing start. I adore Cody Rhodes attacking Booker T before the show started. For one, it adds to the realism. I mean, why do people wait until Smackdown starts to do anything? “Better wait until the cameras come on to whoop this guy’s ass.” Very nice touch there. Secondly, this raises the stakes on this feud to another level. It’s personal now. There’s no question in the fans’s eyes these two don’t like each other, and that will elevate anything they do in the ring together eventually. It’s slow-developing, intense, and pushes a young star (Rhodes) to the upper-echelon just like that. Perfectly written feud up to this point. If Cody wasn’t a huge star in most fans's eyes, he is now.

B – Big-time promo from Cody, and might I add that again, it was a well-written moment for Cody. There’s no better way to generate heat than to interrupt a feel-good comeback like Lilian’s. It worked to perfection. And, of course, the rest of his promo helped. He showed intensity, flawless character, and pure x-factor. Every eye was on Cody and every fan was reacting. The best part about Cody’s promo is he wasn’t even attempting to get pops; he was all heel. Unlike Ziggler (a guy I love, but is attracted to the spotlight like a moth) who has a propensity for cutesy catchphrases and mannerisms to get pops, Cody is content with getting everyone to jeer him. Well done, sir Rhodes.

C – Commentary. Before I start, yes, this is another block of text dedicated to Cody Rhodes’s awesomeness. I have to catch up on a few non-Rhodes weeks’s worth of praise, so bear with me here. Cody Rhodes is a revelation on commentary. It’s truly hard to do commentary (see: Booker/Tyson Kidd/D.H. Smith), so I’m beyond impressed he was able to not only get a word in edge-wise, but actually add to the proceedings. Cody made a great call on Barrett’s Bossman Slam and even added some context to Ezekiel’s comeback. And, even better, he stayed in character the whole time. No sarcastic remarks, no joking around - he was “Cody Rhodes” the entire time. Without a doubt, he’s the best at executing his character in WWE, though it probably helps that he has the best character, too.

D – Did anyone else enjoy the Barrett-Jackson match? It was pretty fun. I mean, it had a few good comebacks, Barrett’s Muppet hair, and Ezekiel’s body slam revival. All in all, good stuff. Who doesn’t love watching giant guys smash around in the ring? It’s like when you were a kid and took the biggest toy cars you had and rammed them into each other at full speed. Just an all-around good time.

E – Everybody loves Otunga’s Travel Mug. And it now comes in purple! The least they can do is put the mugs in WWE Shop after denying me a chance to buy Cody Rhodes branded paper bags. Or, better yet, sell them on QVC or something. How awesome would it be to hear it pitched on a shopping channel?

Shopping Channel Guy (with a Southern accent...because they’re all inexplicably Southern): “This right here, is the Dave Otunga...am I saying that right? Okay, David Otungey Travel Mug. It comes in five different colors to match your favorite bow ties and it’s versatile. I mean, you can drink coffee, water, gasoline, battery aci - what? Okay, scratch those last two, but you can pretty much drink anything else. Had a long night? You can hide some alcohol in one of these like I am right now! Yesterday, this was $19.95. Today, it’s $18.99. Call now and it’s $18.97. That’s right. Two cents off, that’s something I’m doing just for you. Dishwasher safe, too!”

I love his mug, but I fully expect Hornswoggle to kidnap it and take it to his lair under the ring for what I can only describe as “something on TV.” After all, you don’t introduce an object without using it. Chekhov’s Gun, right? Let’s hope it ends up as a “foreign object” and not Hornswoggle’s “precious,” because you know they’d totally make that joke in 2011.

F – For real, it’s nice to see Daniel Bryan being allowed to use a microphone. They kept it from him like he defaced it or something. He can cut a promo if he gets a shot! It’s much needed, too. Daniel Bryan, up to this point, comes off like an awkward preteen. You know, the one who has a beard before everybody else, yet still gets bullied? He hasn’t looked cool since NXT Season 1. How about letting him develop a character? The leather jacket helps, but ninja jackets can only do so much for you...like make you invisible, presumably. But they can’t get you over.

G - Grade A-. What’s not to love about this? Great matches, great feuds, good young stars? Smackdown has absolutely become the show to see the next generation of top guys. This is the show that’s currently pushing Otunga, Ryder, DiBiase, Rhodes, and Ziggler. Doesn’t get any better than that. It was better than a ham sandwich, but not as good as yelling “There’s gold in them there mountains!” Try it sometime.

H – Huh. I got to admit, Ryder is sort of infectious. I actually cracked a smile when he came out. I’m not sure if it’s an “I like him” smile or a “he’s so cute with his silly headbands and woo's and I just want to pet him” smile. I’d say the latter most likely. He’s almost like a ridiculously-hilarious sports mascot or something. I keep expecting him to do a front flip dunk off a trampoline and tackle a gorilla. Which wouldn’t necessarily be bad, mind you. I bet they can find an orange and purple t-shirt cannon around there somewhere.

I – I adore Big Show’s appearance at that country music awards show, only because I imagine Eric Bischoff throwing a fit that they couldn’t get Gunner or Bobby Roode on there instead. Cross-brand marketing is his niche! There hasn’t been a professional wrestler casting call he didn’t fill since 1996!

J – Just sayin’. Big Show looks like the largest 6th grader ever. Nice beanie, Show. Excited about that math test today? Why wear that indoors, by the way? Is there anything more awkward than seeing “that guy” who wears sunglasses/beanies indoors? You can’t tell me his head is cold. Imagine all that sweat under there. His head must be like an Easy Bake Oven right now. Two more hours and you got some pretty kick ass lemon squares.

K – K. Was anyone else hoping Otunga would launch Hornswoggle into the crowd when he came in the ring? For all that build-up to Hornswoggle talking, that’s the best he could do? Launch him.

L – Learning. In all honesty, Otunga put on a pretty nice performance with Sheamus. He’s really improving. Sure, he was out of position a bit during one of Sheamus shoulder tackles early on, but his selling was spot-on and he had some pretty nice moves. I’ve said it before but I’ll repeat it here: he has a chance to do something in WWE. Especially if he continues partnering with that travel mug. He’s goin’ to the top, I tell ya! Down with the Kaiser! Buy war bonds! Sorry, once you start doing a 1940s voice, it’s hard to stop.

M – Maybe someone can clarify: is Sheamus’s name “The Great White...Sheamus” or “The Great White Sheamus?” Because the latter would be super-mean and confusing. Are there less white Sheamus...es? Or whiter ones?

N – Now this is a match! Two of my favorites (Bryan and Rhodes) going at it? Yes sir! Bryan is, of course, destined to lose, but that’s okay. I think it’s smart to use Bryan’s injury from Henry to allow him to take the fall without hurting his momentum. However, he’ll need to establish some wins after he heals if they don’t want him going back to where he was before the Henry feud.

O – Oh my. Spectacular selling from Bryan, especially with his ribs. That’s pitch-perfect rib injury selling. It’s so much more than just holding them, it’s the breathing, the wincing, and holding them when he bends over. It’s just awesome selling. He made Cody’s offense look brutal. And that’s the mark of a great wrestler.

P – Pretty sure Cody ‘bout to get got, sucka! I hope this leads to Booker cutting a promo on Cody. If only to remind us that he is relevant, intelligent, and focused when he wants to be. I also hopes this leads to him doing his impression of Cody, a la Cody’s impression of him. “I wear dis mask and stuff! You already know I be ugly, and I’m just dat dude, you know? I ain’t as good as the Book man, and that’s that.”

Q - Quotes.

Cody Rhodes: “Who’s going to talk about Fav Five with eleven people in it?!” I love you.

R – Really? The WWE Network commercial continues to baffle me. Why are they blasting blocks of glowing text at me? I feel like I’m under attack. And where did they get the background music from? It sounds like someone pouring Mountain Dew on a Pac-Man machine while clogging. Who makes this kind of music?! Are we sure they didn’t record someone’s dial-up modem and add a kick drum?

S – Seriously, Cole? Teddy Long is WWE’s Herman Cain? What the hell does that even mean?! Does he make pizza? Did he fail running for president? Does he have a triple numerical tax plan? Just say what you mean Cole: he’s black. Congratulations, Cole, you have successfully identified that some people of the same color look similar. Ugh.

T – Total dye job. Come on Ziggler, dye your hair again. It’s just kind of nasty now. Your hair looks like cold spaghetti in a bowl of chocolate milk, or, worse, worms in dirt. Actually, I take back the first comparison. I realize now that cold spaghetti mixed with chocolate milk sounds like an amazing dinner to Evan Bourne. When is he going to hop around my TV screen again, by the way? I miss making jokes about him. I got about two pages of jokes like “Evan Bourne has a level 99 Pikachu.” Bring him on!

U – Um, wow, not a bad seven or so minute match with Orton and Ziggler. It sort of makes Ziggler look bad to lose in seven minutes, but, hey, Orton did a cool RKO, so let’s not worry about that. Yay Orton!

V – Very sarcastic. Orton is okay in small doses, and he knows his character well, but that finish in the Beat the Clock Challenge was egregious. What can you do, though? At least Barrett is getting over in this feud.

W – Wow, I just want to say that Smackdown is doing a bang up job putting over young talent. I’m pretty excited. In fact, I haven’t been this excited since that episode of M*A*S*H when Radar gets to go home. That obscure enough for you? I lose enough of you yet? Just wait until I quote The Great Gazoo from The Flintstones.

X - Xylophone.

Y – You know you watch too much Smackdown when: You imagine Teddy Long takes more cold showers than Snow Miser. Somewhere, the Heat Miser is melting things in his clutch. He’s too much.

Z – Zero: The number of Snow/Heat Miser jokes I thought I’d ever work into a column. The percentage of Zack Ryder I like (sorry, but I still don’t). And finally, the number of people who will actually read all three blustering Cody Rhodes paragraphs. I don’t blame you. It’s a good thing he doesn’t have a Twitter or I’d be blocked.

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net. And, I will no longer be doing Alphabet Soup for TNA Impact. My only regret is not being able to cover Garett Bischoff vs. Morrison John for the TNA Title.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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