Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 1/16
By Charles Cress, PWTorch Specialist

A – Annnnddd Raw already smells weird. Mick Foley is reason number six why Smell-o-vision doesn’t exist. He looked beyond homeless. He loked like King of the Mole people. Be honest: if you didn’t know who Mick was and you saw him wearing that...ensemble - for lack of a better term - you’d ask if he’s one of those homeless people who washes windshields, because your BMW has seen better days. If we are judging wardrobe, though, we have to admonish Dolph, too, with his eye-searing pink. That, with the short ponytail, made him look like a coke dealer from an '80s movie. Couldn’t you totally see him speaking sort-of Russian and gesturing to his sports car?

B – Big time promo, Dolph! Dolph seems to be the only person on the mic (except for maybe my dear Cody Rhodes) that understands normal human speech patterns. I love the way he started soft and casual, just having an affable conversation with a friend, before switching gears into a condescending scowl and, finally, an intense screech that seemed to almost make Mick shrink before him. You could have muted the TV and known exactly what emotions Dolph was displaying. Good acting from Dolph. I can’t wait until he stars in "The Chaperone 2: More Chaperone-y"

C – C.M. Punk needs to stop it now. Don’t you dare start a thing saying you want to face Mick at WrestleMania. I’ll throw myself into traffic if that grows traction. I thought you knew better, Punk. Is there any way we can just put all these Attitude Era guys in Carbonite?

D – Dude, nice. I like that the Tag Titles changed hands at a house show. Not only will it boost house show ticket sales, but it reinforces kayfabe, and you have to love that. After all, why couldn’t someone lose the belts at a house show? Plus, the Tag Titles are innocuous enough to not upset anyone who didn’t get to see it. Well done. Also, this all apparently happened because Evan Bourne was toking up again. So...drugs do pay? I’m so confused. McGruff the Crime Dog lied!

E – Eh. Boring, short match for the Milk Money Kid and The Fakin’ Jamaican. I’m pretty happy they didn’t get the belts back. Would it be so bad if WWE had popular tag teams that weren’t currently the beltholders? This division just got ten times more exciting...it’s now at a 10! How excited is Evan to be wrestling for the penny belts, by the way? He’s been dreaming all night of the jawbreakers he can buy with them. I can see him at the candy store now.

Bourne (laying his belt down on the counter, smiling absentmindedly): “I’d like all the jawbreakers you can give me for this.”

Shop Owner: “One, where are your parents? Two, is that a wrestling belt?”

Bourne: “St. Louis and yes.”

Shop Owner: “I...I don’t know what you want me to do with that.”

Bourne: “I’d like to exchange this oversized currency for yummy treats.”

Shop Owner: “Currency? Boy, this says 'WWE Tag Team Champions.'”

Bourne: “Yep.”

Shop Owner: “If I give you a baseball card will you leave?”

Bourne: “Boy will I! I’ll scram faster than my pet turtle Speedy!”

F - For real, Chris Jericho’s jacket is now officially the most annoying piece of clothing since Ziggler put a superfluous zipper on his trunks. I feel like he originally designed it to wear while he rode his Barbie bicycle at night, but it just ended up being way to fabulous not to wear on TV. How weird was his conversation with the tailor? “I’d like this jacket to shine like a thousand suns...literally, I need lights, lots of lights. And, also, if you could incorporate some pockets, that’d be great. Need a place to put my tissue.”

G - Grade B. Raw wasn’t bad at all. Again, this was an example of an “event” Raw. It’s always hard to get a pulse on these, but I think this one went over pretty well. It built the Punk story (no matter how much I hate it) and it even had some pretty cool surprises. It was better than Original Pringles, but not as good as watching old people shop for video games. I saw this couple yesterday that was 95 percent sure they were holding DVDs until someone helped them.

H - How is Eve still with Zack Ryder? Not only is he loud, inconceivably stupid, and a merchandise whore, but he almost got her killed by Kane because he wanted to stop and change a tire. Again, a tire, Zack?! Run! Call a cab! Borrow Orton’s bus! Eve should leave him just for being orange, alone, but, this, this is the final straw.

I – I’m so happy! Swagger is U.S. Champ! Whoo! He really deserves this. Swagger did nothing wrong during his World Title run. He’s a top athlete and a great heel. There’s no reason why he shouldn’t hold a title. This is an exciting time. They’ll definitely take him serious and build him up. I mean, it’s not like they’re going to bury him 30 minutes later at the hands of John Cena or anything...right? ‘Cause that would be stupid.

J – Just so we’re clear, Zack Ryder is Superman’s son, right? I mean, he kicked out of three finishes a week after being brutalized by a man in a welder's mask. That’s...that’s pretty super. Look, WWE, I think the fans would understand if Zack lost because his ribs are banged up. Who’s going to think he sucks because he lost with clearly taped ribs? I fully expect Zack to fly a lap around the ring before his next match and ball up his opponent like a basketball and dunk him, a la the monsters from Space Jam. That's right, I just compared Zack Ryder to Superman and the aliens from Space Jam in the same paragraph. Is this what you wanted, Ryder fans?! Huh?! Is it?! ‘Cause you got it now! God help us all.

K – K...so...that Perez Hilton thing happened...uh...anybody else have the urge to never grow a beard again now?

L – Love me some Truth! Truth became a star this week. He’s delightfully unhinged, yet still a perfect face. If you don’t fall over laughing when Truth says “quack quack” and shows a picture of himself with Donald Duck, you’re dead inside. Dead deep, deep down inside. He has potential to be a main-event face and a merchandising blockbuster. I don’t know what I ever did with my life before a dreadlocked former breakdancer and rapper started talking to invisible children and pretending to be insane.

M – My my, someone is angry that his boyfriend was beat by Jack Swagger. And, that man is John Cena. Seriously, he’s 100 times more angry about this than Eve. Come on, they’re totally dating, right? That’s his boo! Ain’t no one beatin’ his man except for those special nights he does! I can see it now: “I now pronounce you Product Shilling Whore Merchandise Rack and Product Shilling Whore Merchandise Rack. You may sell each other t-shirts, wristbands, and assorted, useless tchotchkes with your faces on them.”

N – No reason. What the hell?! What did Swaggie do wrong? He wrestled the match he was given and then was brutally beatn by Ryder’s scorned lover. It wasn’t his fault! Poor guy. He was probably wetting himself and sniffling “what did I doooooo?” By the way, you gotta love a show that respects the U.S. Champion so much that they have him get easily beaten up to the point that he can’t stand. Way to put his reign over, boys. Long future ahead for Swagger as a strong, confident champion. Couldn’t have done it better myself.

O – Ooooohhhhh, I get it. Kane made him mad so he would embrace the hate. Very subtle. I like how Kane or the announcers didn’t say it explicitly so we all understood. Nice work.

P – Please, more. I demand more Funkasaurus. Is there any way we can wrangle the Funky Dino onto NXT, Superstars, The Ellen Show, The Tonight Show, Community, Adventure Time, and The Office? Is that asking so much? I want to rent him for my birthday party.

Q - Quotes.

R-Truth: “’Ello Gov’na”

R-Truth: “Don’t ‘what’ me! Okay, ‘what’ me!”

R-Truth: “I don’t even think that’s PG!”

R-Truth wins. Fatality. Flawless Victory.

R - Really. Look, I love me some Funkasaurus. I do-oo. But, I think it’s important to peer into the future a bit. What’s it going to be like when he finally has a competitive match-up? Is he going to be able to draw emotion out of the crowd? I hope so. Because I already called my momma, and she’s super annoyed. I just left her on hold. He never told us what to do next! We need step two, Funkasaurus!

S - Seriously, no way A.J. is 95 pounds, right? I don’t mean to get all "over-protective mom" on her, but, jeez, young lady, eat a sandwich! Are you hungry? Is he feeding you? I knew he wouldn’t. Here, sit down and I’ll make you a steak. I can see your bones! Your fourth rib is practically waving to me. I’m surprised you don’t fly away when the wind blows. You know what you look like? I’ll tell you what you look like: one of those flying squirrels. That’s what you look like. Just spread your arms and float on the wind, huh? Eat your steak, missy. I got some ice cream when you’re done with that. Annnndddd scene. By the way, it’s best if you read all of that in a "1950s mother" voice.

T - Totally. Does anyone else suspect that Jericho isn’t hamming it up or playing a gimmick, but just really OCD? Like, he has a compulsion to touch every single crowd members’s hands four times or something? By the way, while I’m not a fan of the “JeriTroll,” I did very much enjoy him still running around after the commercial break. Just...fantastic.

U - Ugh, finally. Thank you, Jericho, for not carrying this on another week. You’re a little too clever for your own good, buddy. I will miss your homeless Christmas jacket, but it’s a small price to pay to make you stop this. I’m cautiously optimistic where this will go from here. Call it "glass three-fourths full" with some melted ice, so it kinda tastes bad.

V - Very nice. The main event was pretty decent, actually. Yeah, there were a lot of shenanigans, but it was pretty effective in making Ziggler look dangerous and it gave every whiny Attitude Era fan that refuses to grow up another night of “memories.” Ugh. And, despite my deserved venom, I did enjoy Foley for the most part. Other than the fact the Otunga essentially jobbed to a man in sweatpants and generic slip-on shoes, his appearance didn’t make me want to throw myself into a volcano. They have to keep these at a minimum, though.

W - Wow, so it’s come to this. C.M. Punk and Ace laying their “feud” on the table. I. Don’t. Care. What’s the payoff? Punk wrestling Ace? Please, do not let that happen. I’ll retire from my column if they have a PPV match. Was Punk’s promo good, though? Sure it was! I’m having trouble typing anything that isn’t “Oh my gosh, Punk is great.” He had intensity, multilayered emotions, and expressions, and sounded like he meant every word. It just sucks that all of this is aimed at John Laurinaitis. How about, I don’t know...aiming some of this at Dolph Ziggler? Ziggler gets a blurb, but Johnny gets a verbal essay? Nice booking, boys.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Raw when: You thought Brodus was a fat, black Goldust.

Z – Zero: The number of people who could ever injure Mick Foley as long as he has his unwashed, curly mullet hair helmet. The percentage of people who didn’t try throwing quarters at their TV when Foley came out. And, finally, the number of Johnny Ace appearances I enjoy.

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Travis Beaven (c) PWTorch.com]

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