Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 2/3
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Ah, I see Teddy Long is here, looking like a really nice coffee table or an expensive handbag. Part of me wants to believe that Teddy is part of some covert special-ops group wherein he must go undercover as rich people furniture to bust up an international drug ring, or a white collar embezzling scheme (how topical!). I imagine it’s half A-Team, half Golden Girls with aging awkward men instead of loose old ladies (especially you, Blanche. Way to honor the memory of your husband). Sadly, though, I think he just really enjoys buying things that George Jefferson would laugh out of his dry cleaners.

B – By golly, Mark Henry knows math! Yes, Mark, you do have a 1 in 6 chance to win...except for you know, the shifting odds based on who enters in what order and how many Superstars are left when you enter. But, whatever.

C – Could Sheamus get any cooler? This is a perfect example of how to build a new star. After winning the Rumble, and achieving a crowning moment of glory like knocking out Mark Henry, he is over for life. By the time this all wraps up, Sheamus will be on the level of Cena and Orton. We are watching the ascension of the next big guy, and I’m pretty happy about it. Couldn’t have happened to a harder worker than Sheamus.

D – Dude. Again, Rhodes, let’s not name-drop the Warrior. You made up for it by basically calling him an incomprehensible monster, but that’s post-comparison. You scare me when you do stuff like that, Codes. I love you, and I don’t mean to be so hard on you. It’s for your own good, Cody. Honestly, it hurts me more than it hurts you. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. But, that doesn’t mean you aren’t my special guy, okay? Okay, little guy? We feel better now? Want some ice cream? Okay, let’s get some ice cream.

E – Even better than I thought. Cody versus Sheamus was a fantastic exhibition. Just superb all the way around. The way Cody can make the crowd “oh!” while still maintaining his dark, cocky character is a study in perfection. Sheamus, of course, played his part like a pro. His selling is great and he is an expert at milking the crowd in a moment of weakness. Not only that, but both men exude a youthful energy that steps their match up to a new level. Well done, guys. But, honestly, does Sheamus need a new finish? He’s had the High Cross, the Irish Curse, the Brogue Kick, and now a Death Valley Driver-type maneuver? I thought they were giving the Coffee Mug Contrarian (Otunga) that move?

F - For real. I appreciate the attempts by WWE to add some subtlety and subtext to Hunico’s character, but it didn’t go well. It came off as just another accented rant. Allow me to translate Hunico’s promo. “I’m a stereotype. My character is terrible. I don’t like it either, but they pay me a lot, and hey! I’m on television! Hi mom! But, honestly, I’d rather be doing anything else. Everything about my gimmick is insulting. Why can’t a Latin American be anything other than a Latin American? Every white character is a rich guy with a Richard Pryor 'white guy' voice. They gave me this nifty bike though that I can sell for rent, because who would actually ride this? Am I right? Anywho, you’re not Latin and I am, so boo me. Oh, and buy my merch. Or not. You might just be encouraging them.”

G - Grade A-. Long form matches AND story development?! Wow, it must be my birthday! Smackdown is in its prime right now, unfortunately, it also coincides with the first show after Royal Rumble. Smackdown is great when it has a blank slate to build on. As the plot lines grow, it loses focus and stumbles. Enjoy this while you can. I’m cautiously optimistic. Overall, it was better than pulling a plastic bag over your finger until it pokes through, but not as good as slam dunking socks over your ceiling fan. I’m the Blake Griffin of sock-fan ball!

H - Ho! That was for Jim Duggan by the way, not Aksana. You got to love Duggan. He looks like that well-meaning guy at the car wash who believes in aliens and offers you friendly advice on how to avoid a probing, which you politely listen to just in case he goes on a kill spree someday. And, you can’t mention Hacksaw without mentioning his bra-trunks, which are quite an extraordinary invention. Support your man breasts and your stomach at the same time! Perfect for old wrestlers and...well, old wrestlers! And after watching a year of TNA, I know that there is a huge market for this. I’m seeing dollar signs, Duggan.

I – I just want to be clear that Aksana referenced “large wood” on Smackdown. She did? Yes? Okay. Just making sure. By the way, you can stop bitching now, Attitude Era fans. Are you happy now with flatulence and wood? What’s that? You hate it? Oh, wow, I am shocked. You mean you don’t love the dumb, immature things you used to pop for in 5th grade anymore? Huh.

J – Just in case you were still thinking about wood, here’s Rosa! The walking censor bar and her beaus, the Colons, are pretty awesome. I love seeing them, and not just for Rosa. I’m also happen to be a poncho enthusiast. We are a small but powerful group. We have a newsletter too. ...You want to know what it’s called? Huh? Come onnnn. You want to know what it’s called? It’s called...Ponch-Oh My! Eh? Come on! That was a brilliant joke! Whatever.

K – Kickin’ the habit. How much must it suck to not only wear your own t-shirt to every show, but always wear new ones? You know those itch. And how much is WWE wasting a year by just tossing these shirts out? Not very frugal, WWE. Moment of truth time: I only wrote this so I could have a chance to use “frugal” in my column. Success!

L – Let me get this straight: WWE is using veganism to get heat? Really? Is this where America is now? “He said be like him and don’t eat meat! Forget that! I want a steak! Beat up that hippie! You suck! You suck!” It’s kind of sad that being anti-meat makes you a heel. Are we listening to ourselves?

M – Meh, it’s still smart. It takes a proven strategy (see: C.M. Punk and straight edge) and applies it to their newest heel. I like Bryan’s vegan crusading and I hope it gets Bryan over enough to start experimenting with different character traits and allows him to break out into a more well-rounded character, a la C.M. Punk. Plus, it’s peppered by the great subtext between Bryan and A.J. This is soap opera level subtext here. Freaking incredible. You have to love the way A.J.’s tiny neck wears that neck brace too. She looked like a dog with one of those giant cones around her neck. I wanted to pet her and make baby noises.

N – No way! Big Show has a giant head! Did you see when he put that race car parachute he calls a hat on that kid’s head? It went from beanie to Gilligan hat in four seconds. That kid could live in that thing! It’s like a watermelon cozy!

O – Oh my. You know, Natalya, if you are having problems with loud, public flatulence, do what I do: say something really loudly as it comes out. If you’re really good, you can time it just right and sound super passionate about whatever topic you’re talking about. “No, I don’t think Whitney is funny, it’s just so idIOTIC AND SIMPLe!” See? PerFECT...ignore that.

P – Plug. Since I summed up the Rock’s video package pretty well in my Raw column, I’ll give a similar styled cliff notes version of Cena’s video here.

- John Cena is on TV a lot.

- People from other countries think he’s fantastic. Especially if they have two X chromosomes.

- Fat people in ill-fitting clothes enjoy chanting that he sucks.

- If you put a camera on a wrestling fan long enough, he’ll inevitably say something that makes you embarrassed to enjoy wrestling

- Cena is constantly followed around by pseudo inspirational music. Whether he hears it or not is part of the mystery...I think.

- John Cena frequently stares at things with eyes deader than a breakfast shift dancer. It’s the opposite of the Randy Orton “I have 30 minutes of free time and stick of butter” eyes.

Q - Quotes.

Everything Booker said about Wade Barrett during the main-event. If that’s English, then I’m speaking something else.

R - Really terrible. I have decided to never like Wade Barrett again for WWE changing his song. Why would you ever change that song?! I was orgasmic! It was the epitome of terrible generic metal songs! In a good way! His new song is so average, it’s one of my math tests. Ugh.

S - So, when did Randy Orton get a haircut? He starting to look like Dracula’s nephew with that sharp hair line. It’s not quite an Ezekiel Jackson peninsula of doom, but he’s working on one. By the way, does he have the least amount of hair possible to be considered not bald? Seriously, what guard does he use on his clippers, 1/64? I honestly think he has more scraggily beard hair than head hair. He’s like a reverse wizard.

T - Total perfection. What a main event brawl! Orton and Barrett are putting on a hell of a show. Halfway through and this is a masterpiece. I’m disappointed this didn’t take place at Royal Rumble, actually. Easily PPV quality, and this is the level of feud for a big four event. Either way, I’m very impressed with their encounter.

U - Uh, if anyone doubts how universally admired Orton is by women (and I’m assuming anyone who does doesn’t have Twitter. I’m looking at you, girls who follow me. You know who you are.), then this match is all the proof you need. The look on women’s faces when Orton entered the crowd was extraordinary. It was like aliens had just ripped the roof off (the guy at the car wash warned you...) and came down with free candy and gold for everyone. Immaculate Conception exists, and it comes from Randy Orton’s monster King Kong thighs and bed room eyes. That should be a song...

V - Very weird. Uh, okay, Bryan. That was...special. I love that he just runs around places, screaming and waving his finger. Way to look tough, Veggie Tales. It’s the least intimidating thing ever. Don’t worry, you’ll get there some day, Bryan. Until then, keep pretending you’re a four-year-old on stage at a magic show.

W - Well, that was pretty fun. Did WWE really deliver that long of a main event, with a host of false finishes, expert pacing, multiple weapon spots, and a clear victory on TV? I’m memorized. More of this, please. Oh, and more breadsticks, too. Those are free, right? Good.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: You thought A.J. was a ring announcer. Honestly, they all blend together at some point.

Z – Zero: The number of days after Smackdown I’m writing this (just go with it). The percentage of Barrett-Orton matches there should be after this. And, finally, the number of hamburgers I sat on. The streak continues!

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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