Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 2/6
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Ah, I see Triple H has chosen his lime green tie, because there’s not already enough lime green in the arena when he comes out. Good choice, Triple H. How about busting out that red patent leather "Beat It" jacket during Kane’s entrance? Way to steal Sheamus's heat with the “Too many limes” gimmick, by the way.

B – Booo-urns! Was Triple H’s promo boring or what? What was he thinking? “I know how to get the crowd into this show and make them go bananas for this long night of programming: talk for 15 minutes! Yeah! Giving Undertaker the verbal equivalent of second base and throwing to multiple video packages will really get this off to a rollicking start!” No one knows how to be a vacuum of charisma and excitement like ol’ Triple H!

C – Could this be any lamer? Look, I don’t want to be a negative Nancy or a bitchy Bertha, or even (gasp!) an angry Amy, but this does nothing for me. I see what they’re doing. No, really, I see what you’re doing here. Triple H thinks Taker is beatable now. He doesn’t see the challenge. And, more so, Triple H thinks Taker wants to face him in some sort of assisted suicide. The whole thing came off rather cheesy, especially Taker’s bit where he was apparently in a teenage girls bedroom, staring at his scrapbooks. Who knew Taker was a master scrapbooker? No doubt he has some collage skills, but that’s neither here nor there. He doesn’t want to be remembered as that Undertaker? That’s good, and wanting a re-match so he can go over convincingly makes sense, but do it some other time. Not on my time. By the way, does anyone else love the idea of Taker backstage in the production office (with full Deadman regalia) working on this video?

Taker (standing over the Production Guy’s shoulder): “No, no, more ambient lighting.”

Production Guy: “Sure, Mr. Taker.”

Taker: “Call me Satan’s Nephew! The reaper of souls and careers!”

Production Guy: “Uh...no thanks. I’ll stick with Taker.”

Taker: "Can we get a star wipe here?

Production Guy: “A star wipe wouldn’t really work with this, Taker. I thought we were going for something 'evil,' you know?”

Taker: “What about here?”

Production Guy: “No.”

Taker: “I am the Deadman, I demand a star wipe! Arrgghhh!”

Production Guy: “Did you just growl? Am I supposed to think you’re dead or rabid? And dammit, Undertaker, you are not getting a freaking star wipe! Now just let me do what I do best!”

Taker: “...Can we zoom a little more on the torches? I think it makes it pretty spooky.”

Production Guy: “Sure, Taker.”

D – Did anyone notice how weird A.J. is dressing lately? I’m glad to see she’s taking advantage of her Babies R’ Us Rewards card to upgrade her wardrobe. She pulls off a 4-to-6-months infant small pretty well. It’s kind of sad they’re so baggy on her, though. She looks like that one girl in high school who is trying to hide that she’s pregnant. Joking aside, A.J. is playing her role well. She plays “awkward girl attached to terrible guy” way too well. Something tells me she’s a Fonzie chaser.

E – Eh. Was this Bryan vs. Big SHow match necessary? The Bryan/A.J. story is humming along just fine. I don’t think this chapter was important. Plus, Bryan vs. Giant People has ran its course. I love the guy and his wizard beard, but we’re getting into Rey Mysterio territory with this. Keep heeling and eating veggies, but do it against people your own size, okay, Brave Little Toaster? Okay.

F - Freaking love it. Everything about the NASCAR crossover bit was golden. One, they couldn’t send a telegram? A coded Morse Code message? An email? A letter?! Does this have to done in-person? Two, was the car necessary? Like, did he have to do some donuts in the parking lot before DRIVING HIS PROFESSIONAL RACE CAR INTO A BUILDING to deliver this message? He could’ve came in a limo! Or, I don’t know, parked a real car and walked in like everyone else! This, this is the level of absurdity I expect from WWE. I’m pleased.

G - Grade C+. This wasn’t an event Raw, in fact, it was the opposite: it was a static Raw. There was very little movement across the board and average matches. Smackdown still reigns supreme. It was better than missing breakfast at McDonalds by a few minutes, but not as good as getting Arbys instead.

H - How much do the WWE video guys hate their lives right now? They’ve done what, four video packages already? I bet they get paid in toaster crumbs. Those poor saints only have some much generic, wordless rock tracks to work with. You’re killing them! You’re killing theemmmm! I bet when they home after working 43 hours straight, their whole life looks like a video package. Video editor #1's kids are in greyscale, his wife’s voice echoes off into the distance while bass drums slam at the end of every statement, and his dog chases a toy is in slow motion while his voice shadows, plays pitched-down, and warns his dog not to run so fast. And, when he goes to sleep, we find out the soundtrack to his Tuesday night is “We Don’t Like People Telling Us What To Do And Stuff Because We Just Do Us And Whatever, You Don’t Know Me Anyway, And I Hate My Girlfriend Because She Cheated On Me Even Though I Have Long Pretty Hair” by Semi-Angry Generic Rock Group Where Only The Bass Player Has Short Hair.

I – I like you, Otunga. You frequently tweet me. We are kindred souls, you and I. Our rare eye for both fashion and cool thesaurus words makes us special. Our keen interest in Travel Mugs sets us apart from the riff-raff. But, don’t ever “Tebow” again. That was as topical as a Bill Clinton joke. Saying you hope the Bulls don’t win a sixth championship is more topical than that. Making a Snapple Lady joke would’ve got you closer to the cultural zeitgeist (that word brought to you by hipsters! Hipsters: we think you’re lame, unless someone else tells us you’re cool!). Alas, I don’t blame you, Otunga, we all know Vince was behind this, laughing in earnest about how Otunga looks like that “Tall pretty kid who thanks God for helping him throw a leather egg.” It’s okay, David. You’ll survive. That’s who we are buddy, survivors.

J – Just so we are clear, Jericho is mad because people are copying the way he has copied people who copied people who copied people, because he apparently forgot that WRESTLING IS 100 YEARS OLD. Way to take credit for the entire history of wrestling, Chris. And, his heat with Punk is because Punk’s catchphrase is sort of, kind of similar? Uh, okay, Chris. Feeling litigious are we? Plus, I would probably take the above way more seriously if he wasn’t saying this while his jacket alternated flashing lights like a gangster Frosty Christmas display. Maybe all this plays into his heeldom, but I doubt it. I think he’s serious. And, that’s unfortunate.

K – K, let’s get something straight first: I love Jericho and Punk. And, I feel like I have to make this modifier before I get ripped apart for my previous paragraph. Yes, I’m going to watch their match in a onesie because I’ll be on a rocket to the past when I was starry-eyed and thought Shawn Michaels really kicked Marty Jannetty through the window. But, that’s not the point. The point is that the entire reasoning behind this is so paper thin you could rub greasy food on it and use it as a window. I’m sure they’ll elevate this in the coming weeks (I hope...) but for now, this is weak sauce. It’s almost like “How can we justify letting Chris Jericho and C.M. Punk wrestle? Cause that would be cool!” Sorry, guys, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

L – Loved Punk staying silent. Nice way to push the action back on Chris. Hopefully this will be the substance I’m waiting for. A slow-burn will help this match. The only problem I have with this is how obvious Jericho’s Elimination Chamber win is going to be. Come on. He’s winning. Couldn’t they have someone else get in Punk’s face so it’s at least a coin toss? I guess I’m making a pizza during this match. Speaking of pizza, I found these great little “make your own pizza” kits at the Dollar General! They are so cute! You get two crusts and two things of sauce. You guys gotta get some...wait, what was I talking about? Oh, this is a wrestling column, isn’t it? Uh...I bought a D.H. Smith action figure on eBay for one cent? That’s funny...I guess.

M – Man, Wade Barrett’s new theme sucks. Why change, Wade? Whyyyy?! Hey look, there’s Cody Rhodes! Happy place, Charles, happy place. You and Cody, Paris, a moonlit sky, his girlish frame silhouetted against a full moon, my mouth full of hamburger because I’m too weirded out by French food to eat any...okay, I’m happy now. I hope my mom doesn’t read this. If you are mom, give me my laptop back! I need to check Twitter so my fragile ego can be validated! Gosh, mom!

N – No. I’m...I’m amazed. I think I just enjoyed a match featuring The Great Khali. Seriously, his work was pretty impressive and I think he showed charisma! Charisma! Well, it’s been a good run, but I think I’m going to get the lobotomy now. Thanks for coming, guys!

O – Oh, more of this terrible Cena video. Boy, I sure do love making fun of it. For a cliff notes version, read my Smackdown column. (No, seriously, read it. Now. I’m poor! I eat shoes!) Any who, I hope they don’t keep running these all the way up to WrestleMania. I can barely stand the long-form “Raw Rebound” or whatever it is on every other show in existence. Is the Cena one well-made? Surprisingly so, person who I made up. And, I think it’s the best explanation of who he is yet. It shows that Cena does indeed have a character, and he’s pretty good at playing it, whether or not you care. They display his duality well and even show his façade cracking a bit. Great character work, really. It’s just too bad they’ve already run it into the ground like Amelia Earhart. That topical enough for you, Vince? How about a joke about the Lindbergh baby?

P – Party time! Hey guys, get ready! A multi-Divas tag match! Boy, there are only three things better than a Divas tag match: Death, taxes, and that thing where you have an itch on your hand but you can’t figure out where it is so you scratch everything but it doesn’t help.

Q - Quotes.

R - Really? That’s kind of messed up to play the video of Kane beating up Zack Ryder and haunting Eve before she wrestles. Not cool, guys. Not cool. But, hey! She got her nose busted up, too! So...you know...best day ever!

S - Shawn Michaels is coming next week! Makes sense. They always seem to dust him off around this time. Let me guess, he’s going to convince Hunter to face Taker? Or (swerve!) tell him not to, which makes Hunter want to do it more. Either way, I can’t lie. I love me some HBK. Who doesn’t love hairy chested, skinny, long-haired, unusually tanned men that wear their jeans like gravity is about to be abolished in four minutes?

T - Tired. I’m not really on-board with the idea of a Six-Pack Challenge to determine the last entrant. Mostly because it was obvious Jericho would win and is going to win the Chamber. Why make it any more obvious? If Jericho doesn’t win this, I’ll stop talking about Cody Rhodes forever.

U - Ugh, you know Smackdown is totally going to do this, too. Here we go, guys: three weeks of terrible tag team matches and at least one of those “everyone gets in the ring and talks at once” bits. At least Raw’s every-guy-talks bit should be pretty interesting with Punk, Miz, and Truth. Plus, Kofi gets to talk, which is always funny because he sounds like a milkman more than a guy named Kofi. Eh, can we fast-forward to the PPV?

V - Very nice. Jericho wins a pretty damn entertaining main-event and I don’t have to stop talking about Cody Rhodes! Yay! I think it’s important to note that Jericho meshed really well with the young guys like Kofi and seemed to be in prime form. It’ll be nice to see Chris mix it up with some new talent. An extended Kofi-Jericho encounter could be pretty awesome. I want to praise some smart booking here, too. I like WWE keeping Jericho away from Punk. There aren't enough big, long-awaited match-ups. Too often, a guy will have fought the other guy in four tag matches before their one-on-one encounter. Nice booking here. Here’s to hoping the Chamber doesn’t let them mix it up too much.

W - Wow, Kane is creepy. Also, Eve should never, ever have an HD close-up. She looked like a Bratz doll. That’s, of course, without mentioning Kane’s disastrous, hideous face, which is a cross between an ink spill and spare Muppet eyes. I’m both intrigued and scared, but mostly intrigued. I like guessing what ink spills are supposed to represent. Ooo, I know, Kane’s left eye is a butterfly in a suit! Am I right?

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Raw when: You’re pretty sure The Rock exists only as the world’s greatest hologram.

Z – Zero: The number of people who will “stick around” for the preview of "Journey 2." The number of matches Cody Rhodes lost (I’m in denial). And, finally, the number of days after Raw I wrote this. Yep...wrote it Monday night. Yep...

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As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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