Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 2/10
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Amazing. You have to love Sheamus’s beard. What a weird facial hair style. He's pretty much got the whole buffet butt chin fuzz. I pray it’s on purpose and not a genetic thing where he can grow all the above but some puberty scratch. I love the perfect arc of his beard. It looks like a bridge over his mouth. I bet little pieces of potato chips cling to it for dear life. You think little pieces of food bungee jump off his upper lip for thrills, or sentence each other to death by lips? Am I over thinking this? No, no I am not. I believe historians will look back over this paragraph and speak of it next to such hallowed texts like “Macbeth” and “Three Ninjas: High Noon."

B – By the way, I called this last week. Here comes the “a bunch of guys get into the ring and talk over each other” bit. Cody was good (as expected), and displayed a wicked sense of humor behind his porcelain smile. I like this version of Rhodes: the snide, cocky, annoying son of a son of a plumber. I prefer his characterization in the mask much better, and a lot is left to be desired with this character (my sense of humor has more dimensions than his character), but it’s on his way. Let’s face facts, though: until he has some other tragedy or dramatic shift, we’re going to have to get used to Rhodes being pretty similar to the other generic heels. He works well with what he’s given, though. Also, the digs by the peanut gallery at Big Show’s WrestleMania exploits is fantastic. This is some good stuff to build a story around. Seriously. By the way, anyone else think “Reverse Undertaker” sounds like a sex move you want to try?

C – Come on, guys, this ceremony is really important to Jinder! Gosh! It’s so important to him that this is the first time he’s done it. That’s how you know it matters. Ugh, can we just get a mulligan on Jinder’s existence? It’s like every week they randomly pick a card out of a hat and do what the card says. This week’s read “give him the least elaborate ‘ceremony’ ever.” I’m hoping “hop on one foot while rubbing your belly” gets drawn next week.

D – Dude, stop with the soft-core porn! My mom is already suspicious of what I do in my room all night! Gosh! It's bad enough I smile and clap when Cody Rhodes is on screen half-naked, I don't need Aksana rubbing Teddy to saxphone music. It's like the sexiest elevator music ever. By the way, if this were the Attitude Era, not only would Aksana have already put her hand in Teddy’s pants, but she would have accidentally yanked a hot dog out...then eaten it. Your childhood memories, ladies and gentlemen!

E – Eh. Alicia Fox is by far my favorite Diva. One, she has the most offensive entrance attire since HBK stopped shaving his chest. I can’t wait until Daniel Bryan runs down and throws red paint all over her fox carcass. Two, her theme song sounds like my cell phone, circa 2002. It flipped. That’s how old it was. Three, her hair is inexplicably red. That’s awesome. And, also, as far as I can tell, her character is a smiley face incarnate. She doesn’t even frown when she cries. It looks like her eyes just happen to be melting while she enjoys a nice stroll.

F - For real. I really enjoy Tamina’s work. Seriously. I look forward to this mutual respect story with Beth Phoenix. Establishing her as the Alpha-female is smart and this Tamina story will be a nice buffer until Kharma is ready to come back. I would welcome a Tamina vs. Beth PPV match at Elimination Chamber. Nice job, girls.

G - Grade C+. A rare misstep for the top show. Maybe it’s the gas cannon Divas or the little people falling on their backs like roaches, but this show got me worried. Smackdown had been flying so high lately, but if all they plan on delivering is lackluster tag matches until Elimination Chamber, then this could get messy. It was better than cleaning your nails with a fork, but not as good as eating Valentine's candy you were going to give to someone else. Sorry, sweetheart.

H - Huh, they finally made a new “We love you Rock, please don’t leave again. See? We think you’re awesome! Don’t gooooooo” video. I think this deserves another cliff notes, so you don’t have to watch this disaster. Remember, I watched this so you didn't have to. Here's what you need to know:

- The Rock looked exactly the same as a child, except he had a Jermaine Jackson-level afro.

- The Rock lived in Hawaii. No one had any idea that this was true. This has never, ever been hinted at, even with random neckwear. Ever.

- The Rock spills his popcorn. Always. He must have very fat dogs.

- The Rock’s teachers lie about remembering him. Also, his high school was named by throwing a dart, while blindfolded, at a poster of U.S. Presidents. This is the only explanation for having gone to “McKinley High School."

- The Rock, much like Cena, enjoys letting people film him shirtless while lifting weights. I feel like Jimmy Carter would use this point in a peace negotiation between Cena and he.

I – I like Tyson Kidd. Really. I bought his action figure off eBay for $2! If that isn’t fandom, then I don’t know what is! But, we have to face facts: Tyson has the charisma of air. He looks like a created wrestler from "WWE '12," or as I call them, TNA wrestlers. Doesn’t he look like he could be Gunner’s tag partner? To everyone complaining about why Tyson isn’t main-eventing WrestleMania, this is why. His promos would be like letting your mom bite your fingernails for you. If Tyson gets his talking ability together, we can talk. Until then, look pretty and do flippy moves.

J – Just so we’re clear, Natalya passed gas again. You know what that means? It means WWE is two pretty actresses who sing the theme song away from a Nickelodeon show! Whoo!

K – K...that was a match. Nothing wrong with a little tag team action from Show & Sheamus against Barrett & Cody. It just felt innocuous. I don’t remember a thing about it and it just happened. Oh, well, I remember Cody Rhodes, but that’s expected. I’m just so vaccinated from these PPV teaser tag matches that they barely register for me. Even if it's people I like, it’s just hard to pay attention. I can’t be the only one who feels like this. Caannnn I borrrooowww a feeeelinnngggggg...

L – Loved A.J.’s role in this promo with Cole. It was very savvy to have her play a face here. It spoke volumes about her character that she still thought that Bryan and she were doing the right thing. Just that alone told you all you need to know about her fragile emotional state and undying love for a man who only sees her as a chess (not chest, because, well, A.J. is stacked like a thumbtack. I think DiBiase’s backside is larger than her chest) piece at best. This is a perfect example of my favorite tenet in fiction writing: show, not tell.

M – Missing the mark. Unfortunately, Cole went on to tell, not show. If Cole had simply said that, in his opinion, she’s being used or something, and sounded like he was genuinely trying to help her instead of shouting exposition, I would have liked this. It came off like he was the narrator, which was weird and forced. But, I like the wrinkle of her knowing in the back of her head that she’s just a convenient escape device for Bryan, like trick hand cuffs or a smoke bomb. Again, though, subtlety is the name of the game here. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt, though.

N – Not again. I think I’m living the same day over and over, just in three-minute bursts that involve Ted DiBiase smiling at me. Smackdown is getting extremely lazy with this bit. Apparently, Hunico is mad because he can’t party with Ted...or something (which, if I've learned anything from '80s family programming, means all you have to do is ask, little guy.) Anywho, this means they have to wrestle every week, forever. And, having Hunico come out pre-match and mumble something or another about parties and loco over very loud music isn’t helping. Please, end this now before they decide that Hunico used to be Ted, Sr.’s gardner or something. This is WWE. You know it’s coming.

O – Oh my. The Elimination Chamber has to be the most aptly named thing ever, right? How long did that meeting take?

Guy 1: “Okay, so I have this idea for a new match, but we need a name.”

Guy 2: “Well, what is it?”

Guy 1: “A Chamber.”

Guy 2: “What does it do?”

Guy 1: “Eliminate people.”

Guy 2: “We shall call it the Elimination Chamber. On that note, I think we’ll take an early lunch. Nice job, everyone.”

P – Pretty good. I enjoyed the Elimination Chamber video package. WWE really has some of the best video editing guys in the business. When given some creative freedom to express an idea, these guys can make gold. It’s nice to see something other than WrestleMania and Royal Rumble get a cool video. I hope this carries over for Money In The Bank, TLC, and maybe even Survivor Series.

Q - Quotes.

Daniel Bryan: “We’re leaving...in a Prius!” And, “This American Life” is coming on, so shut up!

R - Really. Just wanted to point out that by changing a single letter in “Apex Predator,” the nickname becomes a lot less cute. In fact, it becomes creepy. ...The more you know!

S - Seriously, Orton is working hard tonight! Wow! You gotta give Bryan a lot of credit for the way he can make a guy of Orton’s level have to work harder. Well done. That’s some Bret Hart-level stuff right there. I’ve theorized many times in this column that whenever wrestlers faces Bryan, it seems like they learn a few new tricks. This is no exception. I think this will help both of their styles in the long run. Bryan could stand to learn some crowd milking tactics from Orton, and Orton could stand to learn something that isn’t a punch or a kick.

T - Totally. Since I didn’t bring this up earlier, I will now. Plus, I have some space to cover, so...yeah. Anyway, am I the only not even a little disturbed that being a vegan, driving a Prius, and recycling are heel traits? I touched on this last week, but WWE stepped it up to another level this week. Part of me is embarrassed by this, but the other part completely understands. Growing up in the large shadow if Ann Arbor, Michigan, I’m very familiar with self-righteous, blowhard, douche bag hippies. (Though, I’d say Bryan is doing a West Coast, Seattle style version of this. I have no doubt he’s familiar with these folk as well, hailing from Washington, the center of Hippie Nation.) In fact, it’s a pretty genius idea for a 2012, post-reality heel. Who doesn’t hate that loser with fair trade sandals, a fold-up bike, and NPR on their headphones? I think the key to making this Bryan character hit the right notes is in the presentation. They need to distinguish between being a good person and recycling, and being an insufferable human being who recycles, sort of like how Triple H told C.M. Punk that he doesn't do drugs, either, he just doesn't act like a jerk about it. I hope WWE can define this a little better in the weeks to come. A lot of potential here.

U - Uh, wow, Orton and Bryan were fantastic! Well done, boys! Bryan brought some good energy and Orton seemed to be alive during this! A rare moment indeed. I could settle in for a long series between this too if they ever went to this well. And, again, Bryan cleverly escapes. Vini-Vidi-Vegan! By the way, that’ll cost you $20, WWE. You know the drill: leave it in an unmarked bag at Arby's. I’ll be there...

V - Very lame. Even though Big Show and Orton brawling was pretty epic (and Randy leaping at him as if he were a gym mat was one of the coolest things ever), it’s sad that WWE has already resorted to faces turning on each other before the Chamber. This is Week Three of build-up stuff. Ugh, I cannot take three weeks of warring tag teams and faces and heels against each other. The Chamber is great, but the build-up is so cumbersome.

W - Well, that’s all I got. I’m ready to xylophone out of this thing. Got some pizza in the oven with someone else’s name on it. The things you can do with pepperoni these days...

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: You weren’t very excited for tonight’s episode. Smackdown has a habit, as I’ve said before, of getting worse as WWE gets closer to a PPV.

Z – Zero: The number of people who drove to the arena in a Prius. The percentage of Teddy Long suits I hated on tonight. And, finally, the number of living, breathing, romping, stomping Funkasauruses in captivity I saw this week. That makes me a sad panda.

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Travis Beaven (c) PWTorch.com]

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