Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 2/20
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Amazing! Eve is turning heel - finally! Am I right, guys?! I mean, of anyone involved in this love triangle, this, this is the person we wanted to turn. After all these years of fan pressure, internal meetings, Twitter arguments, and passionate fan essays, it’s refreshing to see them finally take that giant step forward. We all thought it would happen, but did we really? Now that this day has come, I don’t even know what to think. Just...amazing. Eve is heel guys! It actually happened! ...Oh, wait...

B – Boy, is this sad or what? This is just so obviously designed to endear John Cena to the older sect that it makes me want to projectile parenthesis rant all over the place. (It really does. A lot.) Everything from Eve dropping down to the delivery of his magnum opus barb (Broski before Hoeski) was meticulously planned to tickle every brain cell in your pleasure dome. He even said “skank!” Ooo! How shocking! The shear robotic execution of the angle was disturbing. Way to cop out, WWE. Ryder isn’t evil. Cena isn’t evil. Eve is! It’s always the harpy women.

C – Could this confirm the Ryder and Cena secret romantic relationship anymore? I don’t know about you, but “bros before hoes” sounds like something a guy who isn’t into girls says. I mean, I think my bros will understand if I want to round the bases. It’s nice to see those two crazy kids end up together, though. I always knew in the end it’d be the Screaming Preacher of Cenation and the Day-Glo Merchandise Rack walking off into the sunset, exchanging headbands and overpriced wall clocks as symbols of their undying love.

D – Dude, Sheamus beat Mark Henry! Clean! In under five minutes! What happened to Henry’s push?! Another generic exclamation point sentence! Seriously, guys, four months ago Mark Henry was like King Kong, Mecha Godzilla, and Godzucki combined. Now, he loses on Raw with not a bang, but a whimper. Wow...

E – Ew. I bet Teddy Long gets his suit from the “Elvis Impersonator” wing of the Las Vegas morgue. They’re nasty. Teddy Long’s suit looked like the wallpaper in my grandma’s bedroom. I slept in there once, by the way. She has a water bed, which sounds cool, but it wasn’t. It smelled like fungus cream and fungus (which sounds really trippy. How can it smell like both, maaannn? ...Or, whatever high people say. I don’t know.). The point is, Teddy Long’s suit was funny looking. Oh, and that my grandma is cooler than yours because she has a water bed. By the way, Teddy, leave the jokes to me and the guy that writes the Natalya fart stuff. Comedy isn’t for amateurs, okay?

F - For real. So...R-Truth and Kofi in a random team-up, huh? This...this doesn’t have anything to do with them having similar complexions and hair, right? I keep getting the feeling that Vince doesn’t know the difference between them and accidently booked them both for a match versus Primo so some shy writer made it into a tag match, hoping Vince wouldn’t notice. I do have to say, though, it wasn’t a bad match. I think Truth and Kofi are actually a good pair with a lot of potential. Good way to keep them both busy, too.

G - Grade C+. It’s hard to place this Raw anywhere. The actual wrestling was sparse and any “events” were mitigated by them being boring. I guess it was entertaining enough. I didn’t fall asleep, so that puts it ahead of Smackdown. It was better than camping, but not as good as watching as a condom commercial popping up when you’re watching TV with your mom. No, mom, I don’t want to try those! I know it’s ribbed, mom! I know!

H - Holy goodness! This is the end of the world, guys. He’s coming. No, he’s here. Jericho is upon us and frankly, my mind is blown. All the end times imagery and pseudo religious monologues leading up to his return were dead-on. I mean, it’s amazing how different and unique this Chris Jericho character is. You can tell it’s tailored to all the promos. And, look what he’s done since returning! He wrestled a handful of battle royals, a gimmick match, and a quick match versus Kofi! I know some “haters” will say that he’s exactly the same as before, right down to the promos and in-ring work, but they aren’t seeing the big picture. He. Has. A. Light. Up. Jacket. You guys didn’t see that, did you? Yeah, didn’t think so. Look before you criticize, trolls. ‘Cause...cause that jacket is new. So...yeah. Losers.

I – I’m happy to see Ron Simmons inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. If going by overall body of work, Simmons is long overdue. He was an absolute prototype for the current generation. Amazing look, supreme athleticism, mic skills, believable moves...he had it all. Add in that he was the first African-American World Champion and it’s a no-brainer. Good move, WWE.

J – Just so we’re clear, the Jericho-Punk beef is still about the catchphrase, right? ‘Cause that’s all I got from Jericho's “promo.” This feud may be the worst thought-out angle since...well, since Cena-Kane-Ryder-Eve. None of Jericho’s promos (gasp - or his return videos!) have anything of substance. Now, WWE is just throwing things at the wall to justify letting them wrestle each other. Look, I love Jericho. I have both of his books! And, his DVD! But, if we’re being honest, this is a disaster. There’s no reason for them to fight other than “it’d be cool!”

K – Kome (pronounce it like “come." I can do that, it’s my column) on, WWE! They’re just asking me to write 2,000 words of hair jokes. Did they have to trot out Widow’s Peak Zeke? I’m pretty sure Zeke had some of his beard transplanted to his head to fill in the bald spots. It would explain why his beard doesn’t connect to his sideburns, at least. If Zeke lost any more hair he’d look like a beach at low tide. It’s almost as if his forehead has sort of combined with his receding hairline to create some kind of mutant mega forehead, which should totally be the monster in Syfy’s latest M-Level movie. See, WWE? This is what happens when you bring Zeke out! You brought this on yourself!

L – Love Otunga’s Travel Mug Holder getting a win here, by the way. He deserves a push. The guy has worked so hard and done absolutely everything they’ve told him. I’m so impressed with how better he’s gotten from NXT. Seriously, you can really see it. Good job, buddy. Say hi to Travel Mug for me, by the way!

M – Man, that’s a nice hoodie you got there, Taker. You sort of look like the most badass anime/Final Fantasy cosplayer ever. And, I don’t even know if that’s a compliment. By the way, can WWE write Taker’s promo again? That’d be great. He rambled about ten minutes too long and looked more uncomfortable than Drake’s mom when he plays his new album. That was just brutal. I don’t know if he couldn’t find his character of something, but it came off like Taker was playing someone’s crazy uncle. Also, apparently they’re STILL the last of a generation. How long can you be the last of a generation? Isn’t there an implied timetable on that? That’s like an 80-year-old nicknamed “Kid.” That name stopped working two surgeries and ten adult diapers ago.

N – No. Some members of the Minnesota crowd sucked. Yelling at a zombie? Everything for them was a chant. Hey, guys, I remember ECW, too. You know what the best part was? When they didn’t chant and heckle people. Yeah. This crowd was like that guy at the movies who thinks he’s in Mystery Science Theater 3000 or something, trying to make comments from the front row. Hey, shush. You got 1,000 lakes, right? Go jump in them. They ruined nearly every promo. Some of my friends were there, and I know they weren’t causing a ruckus. But, you other guys...ugh. This is why you can’t have nice things, Minnesota!

O – Oi. Did WWE really have to go through all of this to decide that Taker and Triple H were going to wrestle again? I know, blah blah blah, enjoy the journey. I’ll enjoy the journey when it isn’t a re-run. Way to re-hash everything that happened previously, guys. This was more of a clip episode than something that moved the story along. (And, not even a good clip episode, like with Troy McClure, who you might remember from such columns like Alphabet Soup Smackdown from August, and Alphabet Soup TNA from last February.) What was the cinematic payoff, here? Are we supposed to feel a shiver up our spines when Triple H decided to lace his boots back up again and fight Undertaker after the least-convincing prodding ever? Way to step up, Marty McFly. If that’s all it took, Taker should have called him scared weeks ago. The story just didn’t ring true, or even exciting. I don’t know who I’m supposed to root for and it honestly just makes me angry instead of excited. By the way, Metallica is scoring this? Yay. Nothing like a song from 20 years ago to get me pumped about this “hot” feud. I get the feeling Taker keeps accidently leaving his iPod docked at the sound boards.

P – Please. Was the Bryan vs. Santino squash necessary? Like, was anyone furious that Bryan was buried by Santino and thought he needed a clean win over him? Look, everyone on the roster has a clean win over Santino. WWE doesn't have to validate Bryan. We get it. I love how mad everyone was on Twitter, by the way, when this match was over. “What happened to Santino’s push?!” Santino’s push?! He was a joke add-on because of injury! He was there because they needed another face and to serve to overall story. Santino doesn’t get a push. He’s freaking Santino. Do you really want to see him get a main-event push? This is why WWE doesn’t listen to some fans. Because they want Santino to be a main-eventer. Don’t mind them, WWE. Keep ignoring. Please.

Q - Quotes.

Eve (referring to Ryder): “He didn’t even get to first base.” Yeah, but how did he play in the outfield?

R - Really? Damn, Aksana was terrible. I see why she’s given the dubious distinction of visual Viagra for Teddy. She wrestles like I put together sentences: sloppy and sometimes hilarious. Don’t worry, though, you’re still better than half the Divas.

S - So psyched, guys! The Rock is coming next week to address Cena! That means two weeks in a row with old wrestlers making one-off appearances to put themselves over! Yippe-yay! So much fun, guys. There’s nothing I love more than ten-minute rambling promos from guys who are only around ten percent of the time. Fun.

T - Totally. Not a bad promo at all from Cena! Yeah, he said the exact same things he’s been saying for weeks, but it was pretty fun. Again, though, you can tell how constructed this was to make him the face for his match with The Rock. From repeating a lame skank joke to (gasp!) saying pro wrestler, it was all written minute by minute to make hardcore fans say, “I usually don’t like Cena, but that was good!” Sure, it’s the point of promos to get over as a face or a heel, but this was different. It just felt so inauthentic. I liked the promo because it was so damn effective. You gotta appreciate brainwashing on such a grand scale. But, the way you could see its blueprint was disgusting. Cena is basically laying spread eagle in the ring screaming, “Like me! Like me like you do Rocky! I’m spread for you, baby! I’ll do things he’d never do to you!” Don’t worry, Ryder isn’t jealous. He understands it’s business.

U - Uh, what about Kane? All of a sudden, Cena is cool now after his life was falling apart from all that hate stuff? Just like that, it’s okay now? Uh...all right. Sort of sociopathic, isn’t it? “Yeah, my buddy Ryder is in the hospital, but whatever. He’ll probably recover. Now about The Rock!”

V - Very smart. I like how WWE had a battle royal to determine a number contender...again. WWE doesn't have enough number one contender battle royals, you know? Like, maybe it should be a Pay-Per-View or something that happens weeks before this. Why can’t Punk and Jericho just organically build a story that results in Laurinaitis granting them a chance to finally get their hands on each other at WrestleMania? Since when did everything become so official? And, why does Khali have to be in it? That’s just mean. Every time he falls down, I’m legit worried he won’t get back up.

W - Well, we all saw that coming. Way to dance around the obvious. Again, WWE, why delay what everyone knows is coming? WWE could be spending this time building up the stories instead of cutely beginning them. Jericho vs. Punk? Why, I never!

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Raw when: You’re scared for Wade Barrett. Geez, that looked bad! Too bad, too. I love Barrett and his squishy, scrunchy, delicious hair. Fact: Wade Barrett’s curly locks will be the ring bearer for Cody and me. Cody’s old mask will be a bridesmaid and (of course), my buddy, Travel Mug, will be the best man.

Z – Zero: The number of times I want C.M. Punk on commentary. He added nothing but a chance for hardcore fans to collectively squirt some lotion out. The number of times I failed to laugh at the sign “Welcome Back To The Miz-Card.” And, finally, the number of paragraphs about my pretty paramour Cody Rhodes. I’m sorry Cody, but I’m saving my shrieks for the live Smackdown tonight.

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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