Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 2/27
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Amazingly lame. What is Jerry Lawler wearing? It looked like something George Michael would chisel into a bathroom wall. Seriously, it was like a glittery winged leaf surrounded by random sparkly shapes and what looked like a sloppy Clint Eastwood autograph in Comic Sans (the official typeface of clever 15-year-olds!). He was one beanie away from ordering bottle service and naming himself after an inanimate object. Look, Jerry, when your head hair is darker than your love hair, you need to stop wearing clothes that look like Lil Jon’s acid trips.

B – Big time. Smart move by WWE to immediately thrust Jericho and Punk out there to reinvigorate their feud. (Or, just vigorate it, I suppose...is that a word? Vigorate? I know it has a little red squiggly line under it, but it feels right. I mean, you can’t reinvigorate something that isn’t vigorated in the first place, right? I don’t know anymore. Keep reading.) They saw the wide gap of misinformation and wisely filled it (insert Jerry Lawler joke here...also, insert a Jerry Lawler joke there, too). I’m pretty happy how self-aware WWE is right now. I think they have a good command on WrestleMania season. I’m starting to feel a little better.

C – Come on. Unfortunately, the Jericho-Punk promo was still sort of awkward. Hypothetically, if Michael McGillicutty or some jobber called himself “Best In The World,” would Jericho challenge him at WrestleMania, too? It just seems so stupid to be mad at that. He sounds more litigious than angry. Yeah I know they attempted to clarify it, and, God bless them for that, but it still came off really stupid. For Punk’s part, he was pretty damn entertaining and got some chuckles, ha-ha’s, and even a guffaw (a guffaw!), but it doesn’t make me want to watch WrestleMania. Sorry, this is a failure of a story. I’d respect them more if they just said “Look, this match will be really cool, okay? Jericho and Punk are freaking awesome. We don’t know any way to make this happen organically, sooo...just be cool about it, okay? Okay.” Don’t act like there’s some grand reason why they should fight. Just do what Dragon Ball Z does: when you want two guys to fight, just have them make whimper noises at each other while grinding their teeth. Four episodes later, you got a half-decent talk-fight. By the way, you have to love Jericho’s insistence that Punk take him seriously while wearing what I can only describe as Brodus Clay’s diaper with sleeves. His jacket looks like a rejected prop from "Back To The Future 2." Like Michael J. Fox saw it and said, “I’d rather wear this ugly orange vest for three movies.” I like imagining Chris having a serious, angry talk with Punk. “Take me seriously, Punk. I’m...What? No, they're Christmas lights. Thanks, though."

D – Dud. Nice re-run, Raw. I like how WWE finds something that’s super cool and drains it of all of its life. It’s not easy to be that good at ruining a good thing, but WWE always finds a way. Good job, Raw! Really, guys, Punk vs. Bryan is super awesome, but this is like the fifth match between them and it’s really nothing more than a conduit for some terrible Smackdown vs. Raw story that didn’t work as its own Pay-Per-View. (Remember Bragging Rights? Yeah, that was a thing.) So, it must be even better at WrestleMania! Ugh. Why not just have Otunga and Santino fight? Or, is that our WrestleMania punishment? This blood is on your hands, Twitter. The fact that I’m 500 percent sure there will be a backstage bit with Santino’s Cobra hunting Otunga’s Travel Mug makes me want to preemptively eat one of those “do not eat” packets at the bottom of beef jerky bags.

E – Eh. The Undertaker-Triple H package was okay and I guess it built well on the mythos of The Undertaker, but I’m getting the worst kind of déjà vu. This has literally happened twice before. No thank you, please. I’d like to see something different now. I’ll say it again: I bet I’ll like the match. But, they’re aren’t breaking any new ground here. What else can you say about it? There’s only so many ways to illustrate how close last year’s match was and, guess what?, showing a montage of the finish is the last resort. What is WWE going to do for the next ... weeks? (I’m not good with days...or weeks...or numbers, really.) By the way, anyone else notice from those interviews that Big Show’s voice sounds exactly like the modified deep voice they give to witnesses on the news? All these years, I had no idea that the drug dealer with the backward hat was Big Show!

F - For real! Whoa guys, breaking freaking news. I got a huge scoop for PWTorch here, straight from Michael Cole: Kelly Kelly has been nominated for a Kid’s Choice Award! Not won, nominated! That’s right, a KCA! What a huge career boost! She gets to follow in the footsteps of such people as Generic Pretty But Sexually Harmless Boy Band Member #3, Muscular Charming Actor Who Only Does Straight-To-DVD Movies #2, Spikey Haired Guy With Three First Names, and Attractive But Not In A Dad’s Under The Bed Magazines Kind Of Way Woman! I’d like to be the first to congratulate you on such a prestigious nomination, Kelly. Good luck!

G - Grade B. Jericho was eh, Rock was worse, and I don’t remember a single match. But, hey! Stuff happened! Stories moved! This is why Raw will always be more inherently interesting than Smackdown: things actually happen! It was better than drinking lemonade with a straw, but not as good as randomly saying numbers while a cashier counts your change. It’s really cruel, but hilarious.

H - Huh. So...Miz is like that cousin who went to rehab and we can’t talk about it at Thanksgiving dinner, right? What happened to his star?! He went from main-eventer with a few moves and good facial expressions to mid-carder with fewer moves and good facial expressions in less than a year. I get the feeling he accidentally walked in on Jerry Lawler using Myspace to pick up girls or something. Yeah, he definitely needs to work on his in-ring work and he sells like used condoms on eBay. (Or, the PG version, sells like a pro-abortion bumper stickers at a state fair. I’m sorry, that wasn’t PG. Okay, okay, for real this time. PG version: sells like vegetables in Wisconsin. There. Done and done.) But, he’s good on the mic, one of the best actors in WWE, and a guy who uses his face better than an armless clown. He’s getting super sloppy lately, but I wonder why. He was never nervous before. This feels like a case of bad experiences piling up on each other until it buries you. I hope he finds his confidence again soon and hopefully moves to Smackdown for some fresh air. Oh, and gets a character. ‘Cause...’cause he’s basically a frowny emoticon with hair.

I – I’m confused. This “tag team” thing you speak of...is this similar to freeze-tag? No? Not even a little? Oh wait, tag teams...tag teams... Isn’t that that thing where you race with your legs tied together? Oh, that’s called a three-legged race? Makes sense. You have me stumped, but I am looking forward to this experience. I hope they explain the rules. This sounds fun.

J – Just kidding. I’m joshin’ ya. I talked about this last week and I still believe it: tag team wrestling is coming back to WWE. There are some very promising signs lately, guys. The creation of new teams featuring reputable wrestlers like American Perfection and [Insert clever name here for Kofi and Truth, because I’m way too worried about being accidently racist to touch this] is a great sign for the pulse of WWE’s tag wrestling. No one else is excited that Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, and R-Truth are in a tag team championship match? That’s progress, people.

K – Kind of like Teddy Long’s attire. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had credits on the bottom of the screen that read “Teddy Long’s wardrobe provided by Bed Bath and Beyond...mostly the beyond part.” He looks like someone used a shrink ray on him, but not his suit. Like he’s the star of “Honey, I Forgot To Shrink My Pimp Suit.” He dresses like he shops at the “Big, Tall, and Probably An Anthropomorphic Statue Store.” Laurinaitis didn’t look as silly, but I enjoyed his “Your Dad Chaperoning The School Field Trip to the Zoo” outfit.

L – Love heel Eve. Honestly, it’s about time WWE had a compelling, three-dimensional heel Diva. Most Diva characters fall somewhere between “smile and wave” and “frown and look forward,” so it’s nice to see one with some depth. I’m on-board the Eve train. (Must. Resist. Joke.) This looks fun, though. I think it’d be cool if she became a man-using manager.

M – More than amazing. Speaking of how people look, I fell off my Pokemon blanket when Alicia Fox sauntered up to Kelly Kelly in her black and bright orange top. She looked like a Light Cycle traffic cop. Way to put yourself in the running for "Tron 3," Alicia.

N – No way! Edge is in a movie! This is going to be amazing. WWE Studios movies are a true treat. Heh! This is a laugh riot! See, ‘cause Edge is a cop, but he’s talking on his cell phone while driving his car! You can’t do that, Edge! Oh, you! And, remember that part where he acted all defiant to the police chief? Guess what? He’s a cop! He’s not supposed to say that! This...this will be movie of the year.

O – Oh my. Here are some cliff notes in case you wisely fast-forwarded past the next great WWE masterpiece:

- Edge’s character is named Blades. That sentence tells you everything you’ll need to know about his character’s traits.

- The trailer helpfully includes a bit where the lame sidekick who will almost undoubtedly do something cool to earn Blades’s respect over the course of the movie (and including, but not limited to, a hilarious seen with his parents), clearly defines their roles as “Corrupt ex-cop” and “Prosecuting attorney.” Just like that scene in Citizen Kane where they all explain their motives!

- Blades wears Hawaiian shirts. Adjust your movie purchasing habits thusly.

- If you had any question how good this movie was going to be, someone unexpectedly gets kicked in the crotch.

- Blades drives cool cars. Again, adjust your movie purchasing habits thusly.

- Do you think Blades breaks the rules? Wrong! The trailer lets us know he “bends the rules.” Duh.

- I’ve never seen this movie, but I have $17 on Blades or his sidekick accidently shooting the other one.

- WWE Studios seems to have removed my writing credit from the trailer. I see how it is.

P – Please! I don’t know about you, but here’s to Sheamus/Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes/Mark Henry being a fantastic main event that lasts at least ten minutes. And, that’s not just because I want to see as little of The Rock as possible, it’s also because I think there are some great...what? It’s over? Seriously, that’s it? Dammit!

Q - Quotes.

Josh Mathews (referring to C.M. Punk): “...He’s more angry than hurt.” What the hell does that mean? What are you, Padme’s doctor from "Star Wars Episode III?"

R - Really like these Big Show videos. It’s always fun when wrestling’s sometimes troublesome continuity is referenced. This is going to be very fun and hopefully Rhodes’s crowning moment at WrestleMania. On the flip side, though, I have no idea why Mark Henry is being booked like Heath Slater. Henry was the best heel since the Millennium and now he’s on Jinder Mahal’s level? I’m worried.

S - So lame. Rock is such a whore. Just look at him in the ring. You gotta love how he gives that look like "Ohhh you guysss! I gotta talk now. Oh, you want to cheer more? No, I couldn't possibly...CHANT MY NAME! YAY, ME!" This is the equivalent of public masturbation and I frankly only enjoy watching that on weekends. Also, can we please stop acting like Rock has some special relation to every city he goes to? He’s been everywhere. And guess what? He’s probably watched his dad wrestle in most major cities. Portland isn’t special to him. Ugh.

T - Totally lame. I think Rock just likes to hear people say how cool he is. Someone clearly got bullied in high school. It’s almost as if these promos are intercut with quick, subliminal snippets of Rock saying “I’m cool. Watch my movies.” No, we get it. You think you’re great and you love when people validate you. Hey, me too! (I’m cool, read my column.) But don’t waste my time to do it. (I’m cool, read my column.) You know? (These working yet? I’m cool, read my column).

U - Ugh. Every time The Rock says “Trending Worldwide,” a baby explodes. You know that thing where jokes aren’t funny anymore after you explain why they’re funny? That’s Rock talking about Twitter. It was sort of cool the first time when things he said spontaneously trended on Twitter. But, this is sad. Something tells me that if Rock got his big break in the Twitter era, hardcore fans would hate him so freaking much. “Know your role, trending worldwide! Do you smell what the Rock is trending?!”

V - Very funny! Ohhhh, that's what you had pre-planned to trend to get a bonus check! Gotcha. Sorry. Hah, Kung Pao Bitch! That’s a food! #KungPaoBitch? #KungPowBitch? Next time you want something to trend, make sure fans can spell it, Rocky. What is he talking about, by the way? Is Rock facing Cena or Chinese Food at WrestleMania? I feel like he’s about to Rock Bottom Panda Express.

W - Wow. You gotta love how it took John Cena two minutes to shatter The Rock’s world. Was this planned the whole time? Maybe. Is The Rock clever enough (or a good enough actor) to kayfabe being angry or upset? Probably not. Is it likely that this was 50 percent shoot, 50 percent kayfabe? You betcha. Am I out of words that mean the same as “probably” to answer fake questions with? Sure...ly...est? I don’t know. I’m not sure what I did there. Hey, you know what you should look at? That Teddy Long pimp suit joke. Remember that? Me too.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Raw when: You were more worried about “White Collar” being preempted than the end of Raw. And, yes, it wasn’t a new episode, but who can get enough of the charming thief with a heart of gold?

Z – Zero: The percentage of The Rock’s promo I enjoyed. If we’re being honest, whether scripted that way or not, that was brutal. He clearly stumbled and fumbled for real. The number of hardcore Rock fans that I like. They were a pretty insufferable bunch, weren’t they? If Rock pulled down his gym teacher pants and offered them his tootsie pop, I think there would have been a lot of takers. And, finally, I don’t know. I’ve complained about Rock for like 1,000 words now. Time to dance!

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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