Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 3/19
By Charles Cress, PWTorch Specialist

A – Above-average start for Punk. C.M. Punk’s promo responding to Chris Jericho wasn’t his best work, but that can probably be contributed to the fact it was more of a defensive promo. The gist of it was Punk countering Jericho’s statements and taking a defensive stance. Let’s be honest, it’s just not as cool when “The Voice of the Voiceless” is acting hurt. It’s very human, but not cool. I’m still a fan, though. Anything that takes him down from his “cooler than thou” pedestal and makes him vulnerable is great in my book. I guess I just would've liked more "angry and spiteful" Punk than "hurt feelings and defensive" Punk.

B – Butttt...then it got real. Well freaking done, Chris Jericho. That is true heeldom. Jericho dropping his (admittedly) lame façade with the shiny jacket to come “out of character” to confront Punk with his tawdry family affairs was so perfect. And, for Punk’s part, he played it well, displaying the perfect angry face without looking like he needed to drop a deuce. They’ve really taken a slow feud and made it the most exciting match at WrestleMania. I hate to get all “hardcore fan with lotion” on this feud, but this is incredible. I’d tell WCW to take notes on how well they’re tipping on the brink of the “Uncanny Valley,” but you know...doesn’t exist anymore.

C – Come on, really? A one-hour documentary on Cena-Rock? At this point, who are they selling this to? Are there actually fans of Dwayne Johnson, the actor, who aren’t wrestling fans? I highly doubt there’s a misguided soul out there who LOVED his performance in “Game Plan” and is considering finally checking out his work in that wrestling thing. The only purpose this “documentary” serves is, as usual, to fondle the Rock’s genitals to satisfaction. I’m all for expanding the mythos around big matches into a sports-like arena with specials highlighting them, but for this match, it’s not necessary. “Cena is gay and probably a woman, Rock thinks it’s 2002.” The end. There, now you don’t have to waste an hour showing John Cena lifting weights and Rock riding in nice cars and checking his cell phone. You're welcome.

D – Dude, has Kane’s mask gotten tighter? It’s like a second skin. It’s like when you were little and you stretched your Fruit Roll-Up over your face. It’s like a really bad frosting job. Like someone made a lumpy cake and thought it’d look better if they just slathered red frosting over it. Surprise surprise, it doesn’t look better, it looks like you made a new super villain named Melted Candle Face.

E – Esteemed genius. Whoever put in the jaunty piano music and '50s Warner Brothers sound effects in that Big Show at WrestleMania video package is my personal hero. Just mastery. Pie face sounds, a liberal application of my favorite, the “boing,” a healthy amount of bird sounds, and at least three gongs. Real Tex Avery stuff here. It should be pointed out, though, that with the right amount of boings and slide whistles, anything can be made to look hilarious. I shall prove this one day when I re-cut Star Wars. A slide whistle sound every time someone swings a lightsaber and misses? Don’t mind if I do! By the way, don’t you love imagining Cody in the editing bay putting this together? “No no no! This is all wrong! The ‘Waa waaaaaa’ sound comes AFTER the gong and before verse two of the piano music! Amateurs!”

F - For realzz guyz! The New WWE.com is up! Now featuring: Things every other website has had for five years now! Whoo!

G - Grade C+. Delayed viewing always hurt my grades, but so does asinine talking and wheel-barreling out old people. If I wanted to see old people argue, I’d hide the remote before the judge shows come on. It was better than putting tape on your lips and pulling it off (...as if I need to say this again, judgement free zone here), but not as good as getting your hand stuck in the Pringles tube. I just come to realization that I’m lazy and fat and think my tears away by pretending I’m an android with a gun arm. Pew! Pew! Pew! That’s the sound my gun arm makes...

H - Hoo-yeah! David Otunga in the building! With...with...a giant jacket? Did he mug Wade Barrett? Wait, is that racist? Oh, God, I’m racist...quick, um, I love “A Different World!" Not that they should have their own world...or that “they” are someone in particular...though, people like that can be someone in particular...oh, God, white guilt is getting me. I need to donate to Obama’s campaign. I’ll be right back. Thanks, WWE.

I – I’m good. $5 to Obama and an awkward situation off my chest. Ahhh. Anyways, what was up with that jacket? Tunga...can I call you that? Cool. Tunga, it’s not a good look. I love the pose thing, that’s fine. But, lose the jacket. You couldn’t even remove it properly! I feel like WWE makes all their clothes out of recycled tape or something. Poor Brodus Clay’s pants have to be jinxed or something. How about no one take off your clothes? Hmm? Except for Cody Rhodes...close this window now, Mom! You do not need to read this! Sorry. Where was I? Oh yes...fantasy land...ahhh...

J – Just know it. You know that Cobra puppet has to smell like balls...

K – Kewl. I’d like to point out that our “K” word is provided by emailer Keith Amatoit. I selected it because many a century ago, as a 13-year-old with very confused feelings about the youngest kid on “Home Improvement,” I often typed “kewl” in Yahoo chat rooms. And, that fits our paragraph subject, The Rock, like a t. See, in the Rock’s world, it’s 1999, kewl is cool, dial-up is rad, and you don’t get pantsed for saying rad. I believe it’s this is the same universe A.J. comes from, too, by the way. All of it screamed “remember when I used to talk about putting things in people’s butts and make hand motions like a blind guy playing ping-pong? Did you like that? ‘Cause I’m doing it again! Love me!” It’s over, Rock. You’re near 40 and dress like that creepy gym teacher who flexes whenever the pretty girls jog by. Oh, and you know what would be fantastic? Mention your match. Sure, he had an audio-visual portion (which only counts if you’re presenting something at a board meeting or trying to win a Glee competition), and, sure, he even stood outside in Philiadelphia and talked about local places. (We live there! Yaayyyy! By the way, haven’t the fans caught on to how lame this is? What does he do, google each city they arrive in and memorize a few street names? He must have a kick ass GPS.) But, it still came off so satellite. What’s the purpose of cutting these outside? Is he such a good actor now that he requested a better backdrop? Does he need more room for his blocking? Dude, it doesn’t endear you at all. Also, why would you go through all that trouble to order a cheese steak to jam it up someone’s anus? If Cena’s supposed to be gay, certainly that makes you gayer. Sorry, but in the modern era, you don’t get over by saying you will put things up people’s asses. You have to actually make sense...or wear purple, repeat a catchphrase until it loses all meaning, and make a YouTube show. Either or.

L – Love that Rock drew comparisons to himself. So many similarities. Rock: rich, successful, half Samoan/half black, a wrestler, a movie star... Rocky Balboa: poor, white, talks like Kurt Cobain with a toothache...soooo many similarities. I mean, Rock is definitely the Rocky of this fight. How can he ever win? I hope he triumphs over evil. He could really use the money, that Rocky...

M – Man, Lawler must be petrified. Have you ever noticed how A.J. looks like the decoy from “To Catch A Predator?" Thanks again, WWE. Couldn’t you see her walking into the living room and saying “Come on in! Sorry, I gotta put these clothes in the laundry. I made some lemonade. Try some!” No, Jerry! Do not go in! The brownies are an illusion! I bet Jerry leaned in to a camera guy like, “Don’t get too close, camera guy. I came over for some brownies and next thing I knew Chris Hanson was saying ‘penis’ in the funniest monotone ever.”

N – Not sure. I can’t tell who’s more like The Hulk: Orton or Cena. The former is quite adept at the whole “me stupid” thing and has anger outbursts mastered. If Orton doesn’t understand something, he doesn’t seek out knowledge, he punches it. Cena, on the other hand, has the whole indestructible thing down. “Car not hit Cena, Cena hit car. Cena no hurt! Cena no sell all!” Cena is like Andy Kaufman, you’ll never believe he’s really dead. Just before the casket drops, he’ll bounce out and AA it onto the current WWE Champion and begin the first zombie championship reign.

O – Oh, man! Watch out for that Rocky fella! Sure, Cena got hit by a freaking car and then threw Mark Henry over his head after a match, but that was nothing. The Rock grabbed Henry after being beaten and kind of sort of awkwardly fell down with him! Whoo! Watch out for him, heavy hitter! I know they were doing finishers, but is anything less intimidating than the Rock Bottom? I’d be more intimidated if he tied Henry’s boots together or put his hand in warm water.

P – Pretty good. Beth and Eve confronting Kelly Kelly wasn’t nearly as awful as Alicia Fox last week. In fact, they made it about the championship! And, winning! What a novel concept! And might I add that Maria Menounos is actually pretty damn good. She blew me away in her only appearance. Honestly, with some training, she could be a legit Diva. While it’s trivial, this should still be a watchable match from these four Divas.

Q - Quotes.

Cole: “Ryder had a rally today, and he called it ‘Ryder’s Rally.'” Zack Ryder, the creative bastion of our generation.

R - Really Miz...this is sad. Just...just stop. It’s like the middle of any “Intervention” episode where the guy claims he’s okay and he’ll bounce back. He’ll go back to a community college any day now. He won’t. Two days later, he’s going to be lying behind a dumpster in a mesh shirt, lisping and slurring his way through a rant about his family. Someone should just put Miz out of his mizory. (Heh, get it? Ah-cha-chaaa! Comedy!) Of course, Sheamus needs to win because of his impending title match, but does Miz have to look so bad? Tunga’s magic wizard mug was more intimidating than the Miz. The Rock was more intimidating than the Miz. Here, I’ll help you Miz. Step one: stop calling yourself “The Miz."

S - Seriously cool. Man, I miss those sweet interview stages. It just looks kick ass. Plus, it’s a way to do an interview for the live crowd that feels a little more personal. It combines the depth of a backstage interview with the fan attention of coming to the ring. It’s under-used and welcome. Plus, it presents a future chance to watch Josh Mathews lose his hair and slowly morph into Mean Gene. (That’s right, @WrestleDena, no more precious Josh hair! Did I just make a reference for one specific person? Sure, but aren’t most of my references that obscure? How many of you are laughing at my Great Gazoo jokes? “Dumb dumb!”) Back to Orton, though, that promo was the equivalent of eating ice cream with a fork. To call it aimless and weird would be an understatement. The gist is this “You are Kane. I am not.” If it went on a second longer, I thought Josh was going to grab his wrist and check for a pulse. Orton was two droning sentences about riff-raff from having a defibrillator carted out. I’d call Randy Orton a zombie, but even they have personality. The point is, Orton needs to find (much like former mentee Cody Rhodes) what his role is in the modern WWE landscape. What does it mean to be “The Viper” at a time where heroes trade barbs rather than fists and pipe bombs are more feared than finishing moves? Orton needs to re-establish his alpha dog status as the only face who will do what has to be done to win.

T - Totally sad. Stephanie McMahon’s boobs got smaller. :(

U - Ugh, Swagger’s hair is so incredible. (#RichieRich) I can’t say that Swagger/Ziggler vs. The Team Who Shall Not Be Named Because It Would Probably Be Something Offensive, Inadvertently was a great main event, but it’s certainly fun, highlighted some younger guys, and put tag teams in the spotlight. When’s the last time WWE had a main event with two actual tag teams? I’m happy about this. I really am. Plus, you have to love the subtle posturing from Swagger. It looks like stable-mate Ziggler is teaching ol’ Lego Hair some much needed personality tics. Speaking of Ziggler...MY GOD, DID YOU SEE HIM SELL R-TRUTH’S PUNCH? Holy capitalization, Batman!

V - Very smart. You gotta love how Aksana opted for pants tonight knowing she was going to jump on Vickie. That’s italics level classy.

W - Well, here we are again. A main-event promo from three wrestlers who have worked a combined four days since the last Wrestlemania. This is exciting guys. It’s like when your uncles argue about who had a chance with that fat girl in 9th grade. I’d fall asleep but I think they’ll beat me to it. Shawn Michaels is a god, I adore the man, but he can go home. This is such a lame rehash of last year. Sure, I’ll scream and love the match, you can’t change that. I’d even argue that this match is immune to bad build-up. But, that doesn’t mean they can’t try harder. I’ll be watching, but I’ll always be suspicious that this could have been better.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Raw when: You get sucked into a time warp and can’t write about it until Friday...yeah, that’s the ticket! Time warp!

Z – Zero: The number of days I procrastinated about this. The times I re-watched the main-event promo. I re-watched everything BUT the final promo. The number of hilarious email forwards you'll get from Laurinaitis tomorrow. His cell phone got smashed :( And, finally, the percentage of people I’ll try and fail to convince it’s Tuesday. I swear it’s Tuesday! Raw was yesterday!

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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