Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 5/4
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Awful idea. Whoever thought it would be cute for Sheamus to do the ubiquitous (got the thesaurus going tonight. Get ready for some freshman year English paper words) “Yes!” chant was sadly mistaken. It’s almost as if they purposely brainstormed the best way to make Daniel Bryan even more over and bury Sheamus deeper than an Idaho potato. (Not offensive because the potato is from Idaho. Don’t worry about people from Idaho being offended, they don’t have the Internet.) WWE needs to decide quickly how they’re going to play Daniel Bryan. Either turn him or drop the catchphrase. You can’t have both. ... No, Vince! No! Keep your hands off the clone machine!

B – Boring. Yes, Bryan and Sheamus have incredible chemistry and nice rapport, but did we need this match? What, at all, was necessary about this opening match other than to be the magic mcguffin that initiates the Del Rio-Sheamus feud? Couldn’t WWE have done this some other way? The only thing this accomplished was pulling Daniel Bryan right back into the kerfuffle (damn I’m good...) with Sheamus and further away from the big WWE Title match/softcore wrestling porn exhibition at Over The Limit. WWE got an entertaining five minutes out of this, but has WWE ever met a dead horse they didn’t beat? What a terrible saying, by the way. Aren’t there way better ways of illustrating the same sentiment that doesn’t involve viciously attacking dead animals? What kind of sick person thought that would make a great everyday phrase? Oh, and “killing two birds with one stone?" That’s serious messed up...and I prefer using rice. Way funnier.

C – Come on over, baby. How cute was it to see Del Rio and Sheamus’s left arm hooking up? I think they’re a cute couple. And, frisky! Del Rio rounded second base like Rickey Henderson! I hope we see more of these adorable beaus in the future. I heard Sheamus's arm is getting pretty clingy...hope Del Rio doesn't break it's heart.

D – ...Does anyone else get the feeling from this tag match that, oohhh I don’t know, WWE has an issue with portraying people of non-white backgrounds? I mean, sure, maybe Hunico and Camacho really love low=rider bikes and “hanging out in the barrio,” and maybe Primo and Epico think ponchos are nifty, and I’ll even allow that just maybe, JUST MAYBE, a guy with dreads named “Kofi Kingston” might enjoy reggae sounding music and his black tag team partner thinks spray-painted jeans provide better lumbar support than wrestling trunks, but all at once? I can’t tell whether this is an SNL sketch or a Spike Lee movie. I'm waiting to see if Booker T throws a trash can through a pizza place or not. Hopefully not. I like pizza. This is not to say that people of a certain background can’t enjoy things traditionally linked with their background (me and sweater vests are like THIS man, like THIS!), but the fact that they all do is absurd. On that note, I’d like to add that Camacho is shaped like Weezy Jefferson. That is all.

E – Eh. Not a bad tag match at all. It’s really fun to see tag team storylines developing, even if they’re hopelessly generic. But, I’ll take an interchangeable tag story than none. Plus, we get to see Rosa, who is el bonero numero uno! ...Confession: I...I don’t speak Spanish.

F - Funkasaurus. Is anyone else worried about what happened to the other Funkasaurus..es? Funkasaur-i? He’s the only living, breathing one in captivity, right? Was he rescued as a baby after a mass Funkasaurus holocaust? Was he born in captivity? Did the other have an aversion to being captive and die, leaving him the only living, breathing one? Is anyone else curious that the intro line implies they have a pile of non-living, non-breathing Funkasaurus (I've decided Funkasaurus is one of those words that's the same singular and plural) in captivity as well? Does WWE beat these dead ones in lieu of beating dead horses? So many questions left unanswered.

G - Grade D+. Smackdown just didn’t have it. Maybe I’m so used to Raw, where I’m constantly barraged with storytelling and over-the-top theatrics, but does Smackdown have to be so boring? The taped aspect of Smackdown inherently lends itself to the mediocre, and unfortunately, outside of a long-form match (which I’ll admit, is the one reason TO watch Smackdown), Smackdown will never be able to deliver a great show unless it’s live. It was better than trying to sleep on a throw pillow (Worst. Pillows. Ever.), but not as good as trying to cut your finger off with kids scissors. You know you do it.

H - How much do I love Jack Swagger? Enough that I’m not in the least bit freaked out that he looks like Casper the Friendly Ghost had he not been assassinated as a kid...or whatever happened to him. Lead paint? Polio? Truly the hairstyle of our generation either way. It’s classy and elegant, yet regally playful, almost as if saying “Why yes ma’am, I’ll pull out your chair. But I’m also going to wait until you sit down so I can try to see what color your underwear are.” You know, like a true gentleman. If Cody Rhodes ever got that haircut, I’d need an IV. I’ll let you figure that joke out on your own. It’s best left that way.

I – I love America. Only in America do young children dance like dinosaurs while “giant butt” (as always, I describe things as college-y and high-brow as possible) women shake and go Del Rio/Sheamus’s hand on the wrestling mat. I’m pretty sure the bottom left turnbuckle is pregnant now. Here’s a fun thing to do: load up Smackdown on the DVR and pause it when booty girl #509 (like the Bellas, Caras, and Shawn Michaels’s chest hairs, they're clones) makes her ducky quack quack. See the look on that older kid’s face? Fun Fact: That’s what scientists believe puberty looks like. The more you know!

J – Just wanted to say that Brodus had a fun little match with Swagger. I wish Brodus would get an actual angle as opposed to the ol’ WWE Special (a/k/a two guys fight for like four weeks in a row under the guise of a “story” because the writers stayed up all night playing video games and Monday’s suck and lasagna rules), but I’ll take what I can get for two of my favorites. I’m telling you though, Swagger is painfully underutilized. His comedic timing is incredible. Turn him face, dammit!

K – K, stop. No. I know what you’re doing, Eve. Stop. Stop it now. Do you know how awkward you are making TV for every 13-year-old boy watching this with his parents? Won’t someone think of the children?! By the way, I think one of the qualifications to personifying the “sexy teacher/professional” trope is to, you know, be smart. Might want to work on that. Also, anyone else imagine Eve turning to everyone after filming that and going "Be right back, I gotta film a scene for 'Busty Bikini Rangers 7.' Cinemax is the new HBO, you know..."

L – Lame. I adore Damien Sandow’s work from FCW. Honestly, he’s incredible. But, really? This is his gimmick? There’s “turning it up to 11” and there’s “throwing the speaker at someone’s head." It’s the most shameless, easy heat possible. The definition of cheap heat, really. Sandow did a much better, much more toned down version in FCW. I’m the guy that preaches being a large, vociferous (I see you, Sandow) character in WWE, but this is a bit much. 67,947 heels called, Sandow, they want their gimmick back.

M – Meat. The name of Ryback’s song is “Meat." ...Well, looks like I'm done here tonight. Can't write any jokes funnier than that. Have a good day, folks!

N – Not fun. How much would it suck to be the next guy to be fed to Ryback?

Wrestler 1: “I don’t know...isn’t this sort of...dangerous?”

WWE Guy: “Dangerous?! You’re a wrestler.”

Wrestler 1: “You’re right, you’re right.”

WWE Guy: “Glad we are on the same page...now, just a little note from upstairs: when Ryback kicks you in the face, if you bleed or lose any teeth, can you turn to the hard camera? We want to make sure we get footage of that.”

Wrestler 1: “What?! It’s a work, right?”

WWE Guy: “...”

Wrestler 1: “Right?!”

WWE Guy: “Kid, look: even if you don’t want him to literally throw you off his shoulders with reckless abandon like he’s done to nearly everyone else, are you actually going to stop him? I swear I saw him eat George 'the Animal' Steele this morning. Not a turnbuckle like George 'the Animal' Steele, the actual guy. Hair and all. If you’d like to tell him to not be so stiff, be my guest. I’m going to the fall-out shelter. We have Mountain Dew.”

Wrestler 1: “Just do one thing for me...tell my wife I love her.”

WWE Guy: “...Huh? Sorry, I was listening to ‘Meat.' Song sounds like every middle school metal band ever. I can practically hear the Insane Clown Posse shirt stuck to the guitar player’s plump man-breasts. Anywho, have a good match, kid!”

O – Oh, hey Cody... *twirls hair* How about that weather? Ohmygosh you are so funny! Rain, reign?! Hah! ...So...uh...want to get some dinner? Heh, you’re so silly, of course I’ll pay for everything! Ooohhh youuuu...

P – Pretty hilarious. Let’s take a look at the ring here: Orange guy with giant thighs and skin like a '20s football helmet...giant guy with fingers like rolled-up Power Ranger sleeping bags...fruit roll-up faced welder who conjurers fire...Cody Rhodes. One of these is not like the others. The featured tag match itself was just okay. Your standard random tag-team match that has no real implications storyline-wise. They might as well flash “Move along, nothing to see here!” across the screen during these. I’ve seen “Dexter” episodes faster than this...and with more incest! Smackdown develops characters and stories like a Mitch Albom book (which means not at all, but they’ll find a reason to make your mom cry anyway).

Q - Quotes.

Booker: “Two feet to the mush! That’s what I’m going to call that.” I like how even he’s unsure if that’s something people say. He’s making up made up phrases. Amazing.

R - Really quite enjoyed Layla and Natalya. They had some nice exchanges, a bit of psychology, and it didn’t end in a roll-up! Whooo-hoo! The ending spot was sort of awkward and in usual Diva fashion, some of the punches looked like hard high-fives, but I’m grading on a curve (unfortunate, but it’s the only way WWE has allowed me to enjoy Divas matches), so it’s pretty good!

S - Seriously, when I made that Cinemax joke earlier, I didn’t know Eve was actually going to run off and do a photo-shoot wearing that outfit with a busty European woman in patent leather and a Swiss guy with a slightly hairy chest. Because I mean, if that doesn’t say Cinemax at 3:00 a.m., nothing does. (If my mom is reading this, I swear I only know this stuff from other people talking about it. If Cinemax is reading this, love what you guys do. Keep on truckin’...or whatever. That might not have been the most tasteful phrase to send this out with.) The segment even had man-on-man oiling! And, I don’t know why I put an exclamation point there! Makes me seem weird! Can’t stop now or everyone will think it's even weirder!

T - Totally! Damn, A.J. is a gangsta! I’m pleasantly optimistic on A.J.’s continuing story arc. I’m a little disappointed it’s been shoved in the background, but this is pretty freaking cool. Innocent A.J. being hardened (no pun intended, I swear) by Daniel Bryan and sort of turning into part damsel in distress, part Nicki Minaj-level “bad bitch” is very entertaining. Hell, any Diva not depicted sitting around talking about boys and waiting for the men to validate them is fantastic. Plus, we’ll get to see more Kaitlyn, who is an essential member in NXT’s brilliant ensemble roster. It’s the best wrestling show you’re not watching...unless you are. Then shut up.

U - Uh, I don’t care. That’s my opinion on the Lesnar angle. Couldn’t be more disinterested if you gave me a multiple choice pop-quiz on Almond Joy candy bars (the Mason Ryan of candy bars). Let’s move on.

V - Very confused. Again, why does Bryan need to wrestle Sheamus again, other than because they’re pretty good together? It feels horribly tacked on and unnecessary. Bryan should be starting on his feud with C.M. Punk, or as hardcore fans call it, “TheBestThingSinceICanHazCheezeburgerCat." Yes, it’s all one word. Have you ever been on the Internet? The point is the “Two-out-of-Three Falls” match was a pleasing and decisive-enough ender to their feud. All of this going on here is awful.

W - Well, that was what I thought it would be. A distraction wrapped in exposition. Sheamus and Bryan actually didn’t do bad at all, for their part. Sheamus put on a clinic in selling, always remaining painfully aware of his limitations and Bryan gave a deliciously (I find myself talking more and more like Rip Taylor every day) villainous performance, the kind of performance the illustrates exactly why Bryan is successful in WWE. I’m pretty impressed. Still not sure why I should care Del Rio and Sheamus are going to wrestle, but eh.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: seeing Teddy Long oil-up a hairy foreign guy is not the most embarrassing thing you’ve seen Teddy Long do. It’s not even Top 10.

Z – Zero: The number of “Yes!” chants in non-Bryan segments. Good. The percentage of people who were able to successfully convince their parents they weren’t watching adult films during the now infamous “Oil Segment.” And, finally, the odds I waited until Sunday to write this. Me? Lazy and procrastinating? Unpossible!

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Travis Bryant (c) PWTorch.com]

We suggest these recent related articles...

10/5 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Natalya vs. Paige, Owens vs. Cara, Stephanie McMahon, Sasha Banks, Xavier Woods

COLLECTIBLES COLUMN: The History of Foam Hands in Pro Wrestling

9/28 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Kane's Split Personality, Divas Revolution, Heyman & Big Show, Reigns vs. Wyatt