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KELLER'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT
APRIL 3, 2003
TAPED TUESDAY IN SPOKANE, WASH.

-The show opened with the WrestleMania highlight video, the same that aired on Raw. It's amazing they were able to put a video of this quality together during the show itself (it originally aired right after the conclusion of the main event). It communicates the "specialness" of the event, although I've seen them produce videos over the years for really bad events or mediocre events that made the event seem like the night of a lifetime. The video also did an efficient job of revealing the results of the major matches in dynamic fashion. The Limp Bizkit song worked really well in this instance, too, although WWE someday should discover that other genres of music exist that would add to the feel of the product, especially in differentiating the two products, or better yet setting apart the future of WWE from the past. The current hard rock sound is just too reminiscent of what we've heard for years open WWE shows (both Raw and Smackdown) and it makes it seem as if WWE "hasn't moved on," which is a vital mistake for any pop culture-oriented form of entertainment.

-Michael Cole and Tazz introduced the show.

-Stephanie McMahon walked out wearing that smile that says, "Thanks for worshipping me. I am the savior of your entertainment world, if not the world in general!" She talked about Brock Lesnar winning the WWE Title with a smile on her face. She announced, though, that Brock and Kurt Angle wouldn't be on the show. She said Angle could miss "as much as two months with a pulled hamstring and neck injury." She said it may sound crass, but "these injuries are the price every superstar pays for the most coveted prize in this business, the WWE Championship." The fact that her statement reflects their real-life view on the situation is so sad. She announced the eight-man tournament to determine the new no. 1 contender for Brock at the Backlash PPV.

1 -- UNDERTAKER vs. REY MYSTERIO JR.

There's just no reason for putting this match-up together. Accentuating the differences in size between Taker and Rey does nothing but undercut the tremendous marketing potential of Rey. It's not that they should pretend Rey is bigger than he is, but they sure shouldn't draw attention to how easily he gets his ass kicked by Taker. It's the equivalent of the NBA putting Kevin Garnett in a pair of ice skates and putting him on the ice in an NHL game. He would look foolish. Rey is a wrestler of an entirely different category as Taker and should be treated that way. Fact is - and the sad part is nobody in power in WWE believes this for a second - Rey has more money-drawing potential over the next year (not to mention the next four years) as Taker does. Rey got in a DDT on Taker at 2:30 to show his first real signs of life after being tossed around. He followed with the 619, but Taker threw him off several feel. Rey followed with the West Coast Pop, but Taker caught him in mid-air and gave him the Last Ride for the win. It seriously gets my blood boiling watch McMahon's self-defeating size fetish manifest itself with this ridiculous booking. And I'm all for Taker's push as a top tier player because he is of great value to WWE when used right, but not at the expense of the upside of someone such as Mysterio.

WINNER: Undertaker at 3:28.

STAR RATING: 1/2*

-After the match, Taker stood over Rey and shook his hand. Oh, how generous. The adult telling the little boy he earned him his respect. How f'ing condescending.

-Vince McMahon arrived at the arena with no signs of damage other than a bandage on his forehead that looked like he walked into his freezer door, not that he went through a "street fight" with a multi-time world champion 9 years his junior. Way to sell the intensity of the match.

[commercial break]

2 -- JAMIE NOBLE (w/Nidia) vs. BRIAN KENDRICK

Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore came out to provide commentary for the match. Matt got a full-fledged ring intro. This week's Matt Facts: "Matt was the only Hard to wrestle at WrestleMania this year" and "Matt has read his book 12 times." When Nidia tried to grab Kendrick's leg as he mounted the top rope, he kicked her off. Moments later Nidia held Kendrick at ringside when Noble slidekicked toward him, but Kendrick moved and he hit Nidia instead.

WINNER: Kendrick at 2:38.

STAR RATING: 3/4* -- Too short to amount to much. The push of Kendrick as a spunky undersized determined rookie is clicking really well as an undercard gimmick. He's a really solid worker at this point, too.

After the match Hardy threw Kendrick out of the ring and then "introduced himself to the crowd." He said he was Cruiserweight Champion, "keyword: champion." He challenged Brock Lesnar to a match next week "if you can get over this fake concussion business." Kendrick then returned to the ring and nailed Hardy and Moore. Hardy, though, fought back and flattened Kendrick.

[commercial break]

-Cole and Tazz commented on several angles of Brock's shooting star press attempt at WrestleMania. They didn't make light of his concussion, but acknowledged he was at risk for much more.

[commercial break]

-Tazz commented on the announcement that Piper's Pit would return next week.

3 -- CHRIS BENOIT vs. A-TRAIN

A-Train was aggressive at the start, but then Benoit applied the Crossface out of nowhere. A-Train escaped and powerbombed Benoit to the mat to complete the release at 1:10. There seemed to be a botched move when Train was trying to suplex Benoit into the ring, but whatever it was worked out as Benoit slid into a roll up attempt. Benoit then hit his unreleased German suplex sequence at 5:30 followed by his top rope headbutt (known as the "I Can't Wait To Have More Neck Surgery Sequence"), but A-Train kicked out at two. Train then caught a charging Benoit with a big boot. He followed with an attempt at his Derailer, but Benoit escaped and applied the Crossface. Train stood up and attempted to suplex his way out of it, but Benoit held on tight and took Train to the mat again. Train hesitated, but eventually tapped out.

WINNER: Benoit at 6:58.

STAR RATING: **1/4 -- Good seven minute match. The early escape of the Crossface by Train was a nice set-up for the tease of the escape of the Crossface at the end. Well laid out and a spirited execution by both wrestlers.

-Backstage Stephanie approached Vince backstage, asking him how he's holding up. He said he'll be all right. He told her he is going to do something in the ring with Hogan that he should have done a long time ago. (Make out?) Steph said he shouldn't do anything he'll regret. He said, "Thanks." She walked off and Vince went into his introspective facial expression as he dialed his cell phone.

[commercial break]

-Another Sean O'Haire commercial aired with him telling people do live how they want regardless of the rules, such as drinking underage, speeding, and driving with an expired license. "You're still a good person. Law's are merely suggestions. Live life the way that you want to."

4 -- JOHN CENA vs. EDDIE GUERRERO

Cena began aggressively with stomps and forearms against Guerrero. He followed with a suplex, and then a bearhug which Guerrero sold big time. He then went to a chinlock. Guerrero then got in some offense including a series of three unreleased vertical suplexes. He followed with a top rope dropkick for a two count. At 3:30 when Cena grabbed a chain, Guerrero dropkicked the chain out of his hands. When Guerrero grabbed it, the ref saw it and took it away. Guerrero back suplexed Cena and then went for a dive off the top rope. Cena rolled out of the way, but Guerrero rolled through and gave him a huracanrana. Cena then grabbed Guerrero and gave him a Death Valley Driver for the win.

WINNER: Cena at 4:49.

STAR RATING: **

-They showed a black limo arriving. OUt stepped Hulk Hogan, Jimmy Hart, and hogan's son Nick.

-Highlights aired of Undertaker's entrance at WrestleMania with Limp Bizkit performing his theme song. Tazz then complimented Fred Durst and Limp Bizkit for being "tight at WrestleMania." He said he went out partying with him.

-Torrie Wilson walked out to talk about her Playboy cover shoot. Sable walked out onto the stage and Cole and Tazz acted shocked. Torrie looked like she was about to pout. Tazz said she looked phenomenal and began to verbally drool over her. Cole did the same, saying he'd love to be M.C.'ing things in the ring. Sable said she was so sorry to interrupt her, but "I'm having a little coming out party of my own because as of tonight Sable is back in the WWE." She said even though she's been gone for a long time, some things never change. "All my men still come to see me and all the women, well, they still want to be me, especially you, Torrie," Sable said. She pointed out that she was the first diva to pose for Playboy, but admitted this is her night. "I am so happy for you," Sable said. She said a lot of people don't think there's enough room in Smackdown for "two divas such as ourselves." She said on contrary she thinks they're going to be best of friends, then picked her on the mouth. Torrie looked like Sable just showed a porn of her dad and Sable having sex or something. In a promotion with Stacy and Torrie, it's going to be a hard sell to treat Sable as a legit sex object in the way Cole and Tazz were portraying her.

[commercial break]

-They replayed the Sable-Torrie incident. I'm not sure what research indicates it's important to replay what just happened a few minutes earlier. At least it was only 10 seconds of highlights.

5 -- TAJIRI & FUNAKI vs. TEAM ANGLE

Tajiri got in a lot of his nice spots including some rapid-fire kicks. Too bad they failed to push him as anything but a comedy figure. Funaki hit a top rope crossbody block for a two count. Tajiri put Benjamin in the Tarantula, but the ef broke it up. Benjamin then clipped Funaki from behind as which point Haas applied his submission hold forcing a Funaki tapout.

WINNERS: Team Angle at 5:11.

STAR RATING: ** -- Good tag action.

-They showed Chuck Palumbo, Johnny Stamboli, and Nunzio chatting backstage. Nunzio said he wanted to do all the talking during their sitdown chat with Undertaker.

[commercial break]

-Josh Matthews interviewed John Cena backstage about facing Undertaker next week. Typical good stuff from Cena behind the mic.

-Nunzio told Taker backstage they need to have a sitdown over the problems they've been having. Taker jokingly asked if any of them were wearing a wire. Taker said his problem with them was choosing WrestleMania as their time to take out Jones and that affected him, forcing him to have to wrestle two people at once. He said as a result they have a problem. Nunzio said he is sorry they feel that way, but they had no choice. Palumbo and Stambolli stood up in a threatening way. Taker stood and Jones entered the room. Nunzio said they'd deal with them when they were ready and they feel it's the right time. Taker said they aren't hard to find. Good segment. I still wish they'd explain or acknowledge the presence of the cameras, though. It would make everything seem so much less "put on" and gives these segments a bit more of a realistic edge.

[commercial break]

6 -- RHYNO vs. BIG SHOW

When Rhyno hit his Gore at 3:45, A-Train interfered and stomped away at Rhyno. He gave Rhyno a big boot prompting the DQ. Show was slow to get up, selling the Gore big time. A-Train held Rhyno on the mat as Big Show gave him a big legdrop.

WINNER: Rhyno via DQ at 4:15.

STAR RATING: 1/2* -- Not much to it despite lasting four minutes.

-Cole ran down the brackets for the no. 1 contender tournament next week with Benoit vs. Rhyno and Undertaker vs. Cena scheduled for next week.

-Vince McMahon walked backstage readying for his meeting with Hogan.

[commercial break]

-Vince McMahon walked to the ring. He asked for the fans to give him their undivided attention. He said what he has to say might surprise some of them. He said he was there to admit that quite frankly he misjudged Hulk Hogan. He underestimated the power of Hulkamania. He said he never should have degraded an American Icon like Hulk Hogan. He said he wants to set the record straight. He called Hogan to the ring. Thirty minutes later Hogan made it to the ring. Vince told Hogan he has no idea how difficult it is for a man like him to admit defeat and deal with the humility of the loss. "I don't like the taste of it," he said. "But I'm a realist, Hogan." He said he'd admit that he beat the hell out of him. Vince offered a handshake. Hogan rejected him. Vince said he didn't blame him. Hogan then had second thoughts and offered the handshake. Vince and Hogan shook hands. Tazz said he was shocked. Cole said the olive branch has been extended and their relationship has gone full circle. Vince then walked out of the ring. Hogan asked for his music to be cut and asked Vince to hold on for a minute. Hogan said, "Thank you." Cole said Vince and Hogan were both class acts. Vince then grabbed the house mic on the stage and said: "No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, Hogan, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you and all these Hulkamaniacs for all the memories because quite frankly all you people have is memories because you're looking at that man in a wrestling ring for the last time." Vince said he has killed Hulkamania and he doesn't even know it.

"Yeah, you beat me. One-two-three, but Vince McMahon never loses, pal," Vince said, explaining that he is going to pay him every dollar he has coming in his contract, but he will be forced to stay at home. He said he is going to deny the Hulkamaniacs the privilege of ever seeing him again. "As a billionaire, I don't care what it costs me, Hogan, because you've got to recognize one thing, with you sitting at home for the entire duration of your contract, you're going to rot. Hulkamania is going to rot day by day by day. And you're Hulkamaniacs are going to forget all about you because they're not going to see you. And when it's all said and done and your contract is up, not only will Hulkamania be dead, it will have died a slow agonizing death of leprosy." He told Hogan if he doesn't like what he said, he'd be waiting in the parking lot for him. Cole and Tazz admitted they were duped. Cole said he couldn't say he was surprised.

Hogan went after McMahon in the parking lot. Vince stood between two trucks by a black limo. "I'm going to smear you into the gravel!" Vince said. When Hogan got close, a half-dozen cops stood between Hogan and Vince. Hogan told Vince to get into his car and get out of his life. Nick begged Hulk to get into the car. Vince told him to get into the car before he kicks his ass. "Get in the car and get out of my life forever," Vince screamed. Vince threw Hogan's bags in the trunk. Hogan got in the limo and drove off. "Stay out of my life, Hogan! I never lose, Hogan. I never lose."

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