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KELLER'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT
SEPTEMBER 4, 2003
TAPED TUESDAY

-Michael Cole and Tazz introduced and previewed the show, including the Bourbon Street Bikini Contest.

1 -- SHELTON BENJAMIN & CHARLIE HAAS vs. FAAROOQ & BRADSHAW

Cole pointed out that Bradshaw has been claiming that Benjamin is really the same person as Shaniqua. It might seem like a silly storyline to be pushing, but at the Smackdown house show I attended in Minneapolis last month, it was over huge with the fans, especially the teens and preteens. APA dominated the body of the match. Bradshaw powerbombed Haas at 3:00 for a two count. At 4:30 he went for his big boot, but Benjamin ducked it. However Bradshaw nailed it seconds later. He followed with his signature lariat. Cole declared we'd have new tag champs, which meant it was not going to be the finish of course. Haas draped Benjamin's leg over the bottom rope to stop the count. Haas then hit Bradshaw with the tag title belt to KO him leading to the pin.

WINNERS: Haas & Benjamin at 5:11.

STAR RATING: *1/4 -- Basic stuff. Okay.

-They showed Eddie Guerrero polishing his car in the parking lot. Big Show and Sable then got out of a stretch limo, followed by Vince McMahon who had a sheet-eating grin on his face. Vince said hello to Guerrero. Brock then confronted Vince for associating with Show. Sable and Show walked away. Brock asked Vince what was going on. He said he's only talked to him twice since Summerslam. "I talk to you when I want to talk to you," Vince said. "You tapped out!" Brock told him not to say it. Vince told him not to yell at him. Vince, in the ironic statement of the week, told Brock, "You need to take a chill pill."

[commercial break]

-Brock and Vince continued to argue backstage. Brock said he just wanted a phone call. Vince said maybe he didn't deserve a phone call. "I know who the hell you are! You're a monster!" Vince screamed; then he slapped Brock. Brock grabbed Vince by the lapels and breathed hard. Vince nodded with a smile at Brock's intensity. Hey, "monster" is Vince's nickname for Hulk Hogan. Hogan's feelings are going to be hurt. Tazz said Vince is the master motivator.

-John Cena walked out and said he saw Guerrero waxing his car. He wondered if Guerrero was waxing it because it was dirty or because he's scared if he leaves it for even two seconds, he'll damage it. Cena said he has some cred with the "man behind the curtain" and told him to show Cena beating up Guerrero during their U.S. Title match last week. It showed Cena hitting Guerrero with a low blow and a chain, and then giving him an FU onto a tire in the ring. He said he was crazy like "Madonna making out with Britney Spears." He did a hand gesture near his crotch and said Guerrero should be waxing his car and mowing his lawn. "I stole his personality, but this ain't a gimmick switch, John Cena's hardcore, while Eddie Guerrero's a (crowd yelled 'bitch')."

Guerrero drove to the ring in a green bouncy car. He tackled Cena to the mat and beat him up. Cena, though, stopped Guerrero's flurry after a few seconds with a shot to the forehead with the U.S. Title belt. Cena then walked up to Guerrero's car in the aisle and sat inside. He started it and drove it backward to the stage. Guerrero looked up and yelled, "My low rider!" They cut away before showing what happened next, which is kind of annoying.

-They did a "Tale of the Tape" on Undertaker and Kurt Angle. Angle was listed at 6-0 and Taker at 6-8. Both were listed as four-time WWE Champs.

[commercial break]

2 -- CHRIS BENOIT vs. A-TRAIN

Benoit went for and missed a top rope headbutt at 4:00. A-Train then gave Benoit the "Train Wreck" dropdown backbreaker. Then he went for a pin, but Benoit slid his leg under the bottom rope so the ref stopped the count. Train yelled at the ref that that happened to him last week and the ref didn't stop the count. Benoit went for the Crippler Crossface. Rhyno then charged into the ring to give a Gore to Benoit, but Benoit side-stepped it and the Gore hit Train instead leading to a Benoit pin.

WINNER: Benoit at 5:28.

STAR RATING: *1/4

-A sitdown promo aired with Taker saying he respects Kurt Angle as "pound for pound" the best wrestler in the world today, but he better be ready to fight. He said he will have to break his ankle before he'll tap out, and he asked if Angle could say the same. He said he'll have his own set of submission holds for Angle, but said he could also come at him with a Last Ride or Tombstone. Really good sports-like promo.

[commercial break]

-They showed Nidia and Torrie Wilson comparing boops backstage. Torrie offered Nidia a bra stuffer to add some size. Nidia began showing off her routine, which made Torrie giggle because it wasn't sexy. Torrie gave Nidia a lesson in how to move more sensually. Nidia then lost control again and went whacko again. Torrie asked Nidia to rub oil on her back. Just out of camera range, Nidia rubbed Torrie's ass. Torrie giggled and smiled again. Tazz and Cole then plugged the bikini contest.

-A promo aired with Kurt Angle where he said he is honored to get in the ring with him to defend the WWE Championship. "No matter how much I respect the Undertaker, I will beat him. I will take him down and I will make him tap." He said if Taker wants a fight, he'll get one.

-Backstage Vince and Big Show stood outside of Stephanie's office. There was pounding inside. Steph walked up to Vince and asked what was going on. Vince said he had commandeered her office, but would be done in a minute. He told her nobody was going in there. Steph walked away with her "upset posture." Vince revealed at the end that Brock Lesnar was "taking care of some business."

[commercial break]

3 -- KURT ANGLE vs. UNDERTAKER - WWE Title match

This was effectively hyped as a big time match to help counter the debut regular season game of the NFL on ABC starting head-to-head at 9 p.m. ET. It was also smart to tease the bikini contest later to give guys switching to football a reason to keep checking back even if they do switch to football for a while. This was a smartly laid out program. Taker walked the top rope and came off with a forearm which got a rise out of the crowd. At 5:00 Taker guillotine legdropped Angle across the ring apron. Angle collapsed to the floor as they cut to a commercial.

[commercial break]

START SECOND HOUR

Taker hit a big boot, but when he went for a legdrop, Angle moved. He then scored a two count. Taker came back with a chokeslam at 13:00. Angle reversed a Last Ride attempt in a cool move by sliding down behind Taker to the mat and then immediately slipping on the Anklelock. Because of the great pre-match promo work stressing the submission strategy and pride on each wrestler's part, the drama for the submission holds are high. Taker crawled to the ropes, but wouldn't tap out. Taker reversed Angle into a leg sleeper. Angle's arm dropped twice, but on the third drop he draped his foot over the bottom rope. At 18:00 Taker went for a chokeslam, but Angle countered in mid-air into an Anklelock. Tazz said Taker was in great pain and was going to have to tap out. Cole said this was the fourth Anklelock of the match. Taker countered out and unfortunately didn't sell the Ankelock at first, doing a chokeslam on Angle before slightly selling a sore ankle. Taker hit the Last Ride. Brock then entered the ring and nailed both Angle and Taker with numerous chairshots.

WINNER: No decision at 19:35.

STAR RATING: ***1/4 -- Good submission-oriented match. The finish wasn't a surprise given the pep talk Vince gave Brock earlier, and the fact that it's way too early in the Angle-Undertaker series to expect a clear fall on TV. Brock KO'd Angle with the title belt. Brock then held the WWE Title belt in the air for a few seconds, then threw it down to Angle side. Fans chanted, "You tapped out!" at Brock. Cole said the fan chants just feed the anger inside Brock.

[commercial break]

-They replayed the Brock chairshot on Taker, which was a stiff shot to be sure. They showed Taker during the break limping backstage. Good to see him really putting over the Anklelocks. He collapsed in pain. WWE officials tried to offer Taker help.

-They went back to Angle backstage with an icepack on his nose and back as trainers tended to him. I just can't get over how different Smackdown and Raw have become in terms of philosophy, pacing, content, everything.

-They showed highlights of Tazz hosting a Bourbon Street Bikini Contest. Sable said she was going to save everyone the trouble of having to waste their time looking at others and voting because she's the best. Tazz said they had to give everyone a chance. Torrie, Dawn Marie, Nidia, and Sable each showed off their stuff to the crowd. Shaniqua then ran out and attacked everyone, throwing several over the top rope to the floor.

-Bradshaw and Faarooq were talking about how Haas & Benjamin were in junior high school when they won their first tag team championship. They said they'd get the tag belts back soon. Bradshaw said in the mean time he had a surprise for him. He showed him the APA Protection Agency (redundant, of course). He revealed a "butler" he won playing poker who served them beers. Faarooq was happy.

[commercial break]

-Cole plugged next week a Parking Lot Brawl between Eddie Guerrero and John Cena on Smackdown.

4 -- REY MYSTERIO vs. TAJIRI - Cruiserweight Championship match

Cole acknowledged the no. 1 contender's matchup that Tajiri won over Kidman on Velocity to earn this title match. Tajiri and Rey shook hands after 30 seconds of early exchanges. Tajiri nailed Rey with some kicks to the body and legs. Rey came back with a head scissors, and used the ref to help propel himself. Rey propelled himself into the ring from the apron, but Tajiri kicked him in mid-air, reversing Rey backward to the apron again. Rey set up an early 619. Tazz said it was too early to try that. Sure enough, Tajiri moved aside and tossed Rey out of the ring. At 2:45 with both men on the mat, they cut to a commercial.

[commercial break - which included a PSA telling fans not to try this at home]

Tajiri worked over Rey's arm on the mat upon returning from the break. Rey came back with a dropkick to the back of Tajiri's legs at 9:00 to take over offense. Tajiri locked in the Tarantula at 10:30, which he was only allowed to hold for a few seconds before being forced to break. Rey came back quickly with a 619 at 11:00 which popped the crowd. He followed up a springboard dive into the ring, but Tajiri raised his boot and KO'd Rey. Tajiri followed up with a Michinoku Driver. Rey then caught Tajiri with a boot and then went for a Tarantula of his own, but couldn't get it locked in. The back and forth action continued with Tajiri setting Rey on the top rope. Rey headbutted Tajiri off the ropes and then dove at Tajiri with the West Coast Pop for the win. After the match Tajiri offered a handshake, but then sprayed green mist in Rey's face and roundhouse kicked his head.

WINNER: Rey Mysterio at 12:33.

STAR RATING: ***1/4 -- Very good TV match. Well-paced with smartly-placed signature moves.

[commercial break]

-Vince McMahon and Big Show walked to the ring. Cole called it a shocker. What, was there a Spanky vs. Nunzio match scheduled in the main event slot? Fans chanted "asshole" at Vince McMahon. McMahon said, "You keep calling Big Show an asshole and he'll beat your ass." Funny. Vince said Angle would defend the WWE Title again in two weeks on Smackdown against no. 1 contender Brock Lesnar. It sure doesn't seem fair that Brock gets the next title shot since he yanked Taker's title shot out from under him with that match-ending chairshot earlier. McMahon then made the major announcement that the Angle vs. Brock match in two weeks would be first-time ever on Smackdown one hour Iron Man match. He said the person to score the most falls in 60 minutes would be the champion. Vince then called for Brock to show himself. He did on the big screen.

Vince asked Brock what he was doing in Steph's office. Brock said first he wanted to thank Vince for slapping him earlier and encouraging him to end the Angle-Taker match with chairshots. He yelled at someone to sit down off camera. Fans chanted, "You tapped out." Brock said, "That happened two weeks ago, so forget about it." Brock said he reminisced with a "certain somebody who paid a visit" who has defied many odds, "our own Zachary Gowen." He then showed Zach with tape around his mouth sitting in a wheel chair with his leg immobilized. Zach pushed Brock away from him as Brock interrogated him, but Brock shoved his hand aside and told him not to touch him. Brock put Zach in a headlock and pointed out that it wasn't an ordinary wheelchair that Zach was in. He said it was a very fast wheelchair, jet powered with afterburners. Brock began freaking out, asking Zach if he was calling him a liar. Vince asked Brock if this is the night that Zach regrets ever signing his WWE contract. Brock said Vince brought the monster out in him and now he is going to prove it. He then rolled Zach out of the luxury suite where he had Zach held captive. Brock then rolled Zach to the exit stairs and told him to get a good look at the stairs. "We can do it the easy way or we can do it hard," he said. I got scared looking at the long path down the stairs and I wasn't even there. Brock then knocked Zach out of the wheelchair when Zach tried to block himself from being shoved down the stairs. Brock told Zach to run away. Then he began stomping on Zach's broken leg. Brock told Zach that Vince wants him to be a monster. He asked him if his leg hurt. The skit began to drag a bit at this point. Brock set up the wheelchair again. He dragged Zach into the wheelchair, but pounded on his leg a few more times first. Brock told Zach the wheelchair is a magical chair because it flies. Brock then took off his shirt and choked out Zach "so you won't even feel it!" They cut to Vince, who screamed, "No, no, Brock!" Brock then shoved Zach down the stairs. Zach took the bump (or so it sure appeared), tumbling down the stairs. The wheelchair landed on him during his fall. Brock then sat at the top of the stairs and smiled.

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