ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED ON PWTORCH.COM SEPT. 20, 2006
BY BRUCE MITCHELL, SENIOR PWTORCH COLUMNIST

Mojo Mitchell's Raw Stream Of Dead Baby Teases, Old Bischoff Ideas, Too Sweet to Be Sour, The Champ Pays the Bills, and Three Letter Ross

"In Memory Of James Barnett - 1924 -2004"

Shouldn't the Season Premiere feature a new production look? Apparently not...

We start with Mr. McMahon, in a tasteful beige suit that doesn't make him look as huge as he looked last week. It's Big Announcement time. You know what's sad? I can't think of a Big Announcement that would really help the doldrums this company is in.

Mr. McMahon calls out Raw GM Eric Bischoff. He makes a speech to Eric. Basically, Vince can't think of anything either.

Instead, he throws in the towel and says he's going to let "the fans decide." He spontaneously comes up with the idea of Taboo Tuesday, where the fans will decide who faces whom, including what the Divas wear. Oooh, maybe they'll be nekkid!

Bischoff rightfully points out, "We tried this old gag on WCW Saturday Night with the Hotline and no one cared." What's the difference?"

"There's reason why you're the General Manager of Raw and I'm not the General Manager of Nitro." McMahon sniffs. "Yeah, well, keep it up and neither of us will be managing anything, pallie."

McMahon then brings out Eugene and says Bischoff has to wrestle his nephew on Taboo Tuesday. Oooh, pinch me!

Mr. McMahon suggests the loser of the match should get his head shaved.

"Oh, c'mon, Flair shaved my head bald on Nitro too and no one cared about that, either." Bischoff rightfully retorts.

Bischoff offers Eugene ice cream instead. Eugene slaps him. Mr. McMahon corn cobs it up the ramp and Eugene emulates him a few feet behind.

Trish Stratus & Molly Holly face Victoria & Stacy Kiebler . Victoria's Giant Swing spot on Molly Holly is lousy and both Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler mock it. Stacy Kiebler gets another quick pin, this time on Molly Holly.

Miscarriage or no miscarriage? Don't touch that dial!

I have to say, that's a unique tease for any television show.

I have to say, the Wannabe Diva redhead's bra seems about three sizes small. Hopefully she'll the quarter of a million and buy some underwear that fits properly.

Mr. McMahon taunts Randy Orton about losing so quickly. Orton promises next mag cover he'll be standing over Triple H in triumph. Mr. McMahon tells Orton if he wants a match with the champ he needs to look good in front of the fans.

Superstar Billy Graham is at ringside. Hey, how about some old promo clips?

Ross talks to Gene Snitsky, who murdered that baby last week. He awkwardly claims it wasn't his fault and he was there to do a job. If this guy is the best Jim Cornette can send out of OVW... but then, it's not his fault either...

It has come to this. Mick Foley is debating John Layfield on the issues and both will be more civic minded than the dirty tricks crews running both campaigns.

They do another Dead Baby Tease, this time from the hospital where Lita's been fighting to save their Dead Baby. Kane is going to give Todd Grisham an update later, assuming no one dies.

Hurricane & The New And Improved Captain Underpants face Rhyno & Tajiri. Someone left the door open and the crickets get in. Tajiri counters a rollup with a rollup and pins Hurricane. Hurricane follows in the footsteps of his hero Hal Jordan, turning bad by ripping a toy mask from a kid in frustration.

A pensive Kane tells Grisham this hasn't been one of Lita's better days and it's only a 50/50 chance to save the baby. Hey maybe WWE can put it to a vote for Taboo Tuesday! What's more Taboo than a Dead Baby?

Kane then cuts a promo on Snitsky. "No matter what happens, Snitsky is a Dead Man."

Wait, you mean like you and your brother Undertaker? Okay, I'm confused.

Chris Jericho defends the Intercontinental Title against Shawn Michaels. Well, at least they recognized how dumb it was last week to change this match to a duller tag match.

Christian is at the announcers' table to commentate. Four minutes in Christian hits the ring, takes a bump for HBK, and gets thrown out to ringside, signalling a break. Ten more minutes of a good, but not pay-per-view quality match ends when Christian, followed by Tyson Tomko, breaks up an apparent HBK pin and the two beat up Michaels and Jericho. This gets a big "You Suck!" chant, but is it for their heelness or for messing up the match with a cheap finish?

Dead Baby Update: Grisham says there's an emergency, then the nurse throws him out. She doesn't throw out the camera and sound men, so we get a shot of the door and hear Kane yell "Noooo!" I think the Dead Baby Odds just went up. Or down, depending on your perspective...

Ric Flair does a little non sequitur "Whooing," then Triple H whines about Taboo Tuesday.

Flair tells Triple H, "Orton may not make it to Taboo Tuesday. You're the greatest Champion Alive Today!" Uh oh, here it comes. "You are the Greatest World Champion Of All Time." Pay those bills, Champ.

Sylvan Grenier speaks French to get heat. He faces Maven. This is the Season Premiere? Maven has a real big chest. Maybe they trotted out Maven - Tough Enough Winner - to get us excited about the prospects for The Diva Search Winner. Maven wins with another Cradle Out Of Nowhere finish.

Dead Baby Update: Grisham interviews Dr. Doogie Howser, who announces it's a Dead Baby. Kane does some Really Bad Acting at bedside while Lita stares ahead in embarrassment.

Seriously, this is just awful. The lack of respect for human beings of any sort and the shoddy nature of how this played out is a black eye for everyone involved.

The Simon Dean infomercial airs again. To see an everyday cheesy gimmick after all the Dead Baby Drama is something of a relief.

Jim Ross does the low voice so you know he really means it when he sends his condolences to the Kanes about their Dead Baby.

But hey! It's time for the Awkward Transition, uh, the Diva Challenge Finals. Jonathan Coachman cuts a promo on Carmello and Not Carmello. He tells them they've made an enemy of him for life. Now there's a money-making program. Just as Coach is about to reveal the winner, Trish Stratus comes down to cut an egg laying promo. I think she's trying to turn Carmello babyface or maybe Not Carmello is the winner.

Coach drags it out, then announces Not Carmello wins. Not Carmello is very proud of what she accomplished

Thank god that's over.

Oops. Not so fast. Coach interviews Carmello, who is gracious in defeat.

Triple H, Ric Flair, and Batista face Randy Orton, Whatever Happened To Chris Benoit, and Shelton Benjamin in our main event. The crowd loves the Flair-Benoit chops. Flair does two straight Face Falls. Batista "knocks out" Orton with a lariat outside the ring. Okay, that's interesting. We go to the break.

Benoit and Benjamin are in a handicap match as we return. The Old Man does most of the work, of course. He takes two Germans from Benoit, then Triple H saves him from the Crossface. Batista saves him from the Sharpshooter. Orton recovers, knocks Batista and Triple H from the ring, and RKOs Flair for the pin.

Ross really oversells the gravel voice on three letters: "R...K..O."

This just in from Our Man On The Scene, Todd Grisham: Lita and Kane's Baby is Still Dead.

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