By Wade Keller, Torch editor

KELLER'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT
SEPTEMBER 21, 2007
BROADCAST ON THE CW

-The show opened with an announcement of the big wedding. Then they went backstage to Maria interviewing Ying and Yang. Vince McMahon and Coach entered the screen. Maria asked where Hornswoggle was. Vince said not there tonight. Coach told Ying and Yang he thinks they're the "King of Country."

-The Smackdown opening aired, then Michael Cole and JBL introduced the "Smackdown season premiere" from ringside.

-Batista made his full ring intro, looking dapper with a classy suit and sunglasses (for those glaring indoor lights). Skipper Batista told his little buddy Gilligan Mysterio Jr. that he loves him and thinks some day he will be champion again. He then announced he'll be facing The Great Khali in a Punjambi Prison match. He then waited for music to "interrupt" him, which it sort of did because he waited long enough. It was Mark Henry's music. Henry walked out to the ring. JBL said Henry is King of the Jungle and does whatever he wants. Henry said he "can care less" about his match against Khali. He said what he does care about is wrestling Undertaker next week on Smackdown. He said he'll end Undertaker's career. He said he could use a little warm-up and he could take Batista's belt anytime he wants it. Batista said Henry is as dumb as he looks. He said he has been due a Batista Beatdown for a long time, and he'll be happy to give it to him. "We're on," he said.

-Cole plugged that Rey Mysterio's first interview since returning from injury would be later on the show.

[Commercial Break]

-Maria was backstage with Ying and Yang. Jeff Hardy walked in and he's here for a wedding "and it 's all about love." Yang modelled the IC Title belt. Hardy began to dance. Cole then said, "All the stars are out tonight." Yes, he was referring to Ying, Yang, and Jeff Hardy (a celebrity by virtue of him being a Raw roster member). Someone needs to tell Cole there are more stars than just those three, assuming they even quality as "stars."

1 -- JAMIE NOBLE vs. JIMMY WANG YANG

The usual don't draw too much attention to yourself style WWE cruiserweight match with competent, workmanlike, but unspectacular methodical action with one highspots that causes JBL and Cole to rave about "only on Smackdown!" can you see moves like that. Hornswoggle's hat appeared above the security railing. When Noble grabbed him, it was Shannon Moore in the hat. He laughed as Yang leaped off the top turnbuckle onto Noble at ringside. He followed with a springboard moonsault for the pin. JBL called it one of the best moonsaults he's ever seen. JBL said as far as they know Hornswoggle isn't even there, yet Noble still got beat by him.

WINNER: Yang in 5:00.

STAR RATING: 3/4*

-Matt Hardy and MVP interacted backstage. MVP said he was busy getting into his zone. He threw a football and tried to get it through the tire. Even more impressively it bounced right back at him. He recaught it and tossed it at the tire again, bouncing it off the side. Who does he think he is, Brad Johnson? MVP found a way to brag about that. Hardy then threw it right through the tire twice in a row. MVP caught his third attempt and called it an interception. Pretty impressive by Hardy, actually. Hardy then asked MVP who taught him defense, Bill Belichick? He had a self-satisfied look like he just zinged him big time, which would have been the case if, like, MVP was secretly videotaping people, but otherwise the joke didn't really have anything to make it funny other than it referenced something topical having to do with football.When Hardy said he beat him at chess, football, basketball, and arm wrestling, he could beat him at wrestling, too. (He meant "sports entertainment," in case any of you were confused by that arcane reference to "wrestling," which WWE is not!) MVP told Hardy he was getting distracted by singles aspirations and they need to stay focused on their tag team belts.

[Commercial Break]

-A video feature aired promoting "The Condemned."

2 -- MVP & MATT HARDY vs. DEUCE & DOMINO (w/Cherry) - Non-Title

MVP came out to a full ring intro first. Then Hardy. MVP wanted Hardy to start, but Hardy tagged MVP in right away. Their relationship is so eighth grade rivals/friends in terms of maturity-level. Or maybe sixth grade. After some botched attempts at working together, they cut to an early break at 2:00.

[Commercial Break]

As Hardy set up the Twist of Fate at 12:00, MVP tried to tag himself in. Deuce knocked MVP off the apron, but then Hardy gave him a neckbreaker for a two count. MVP entered the ring and shoved Hardy. Hardy shoved back. Domino schoolboyed Hardy for the three count. Hardy and MVP argued afterward.

WINNERS: Deuce & Domino in 13:00.

STAR RATING: *

-Backstage, Teddy Long got ready for the wedding. Butch Reed and Ron Simmons were among those with him. Teddy called him Bruce, his real first name. Reed asked him how he got a woman as fine as Kristal and how fine is she behind closed doors between the sheets. Long was offended. Reed said, "My bad. My bad." Reed seemed a lot older than he is. Long gave in and said, "I have yet to consummate the marriage, but you better believe, tonight I'm going to make Kristal holla, holla, holla!" Everyone had a good laugh.

[Commercial Break]

-Rey Mysterio came out to a full ring intro. Michael Cole interviewed him in center-ring. He said Dave (Batista) is his friend. He said he loves him, too, but friends or not, "I once will become again World Heavyweight Champion." Cole shifted to Chavo Guerrero costing him the World Title and then shattering his knee with chair, causing him to miss ten months. He asked if he has gained some revenge by making Chavo say "I Quit." Rey said revenge isn't a strong enough word. "I would call that redemption," he said. JBL interrupted and said he's never seen a bigger love-fest in his life. JBL told Cole he's covered a way and three Presidential elections (wanna bet Cole wrote those reminders for JBL), but he's throwing him softballs like Larry King interviewing Paris Hilton.

JBL stepped into the ring and said he won't ask him softball questions. Rey Mysterio asked him what he has that's so important to ask him. JBL mocked his mask and tattoos. JBL said he's a disgrace to this country and a disgrace to this show. Rey said, "I don't think so, Bradshaw. I think you forgot that I put you out. I retired your ass." Rey asked him if he wants round two and wanted to fight again. JBL said, "I've been waiting for this for a year and a half." Bradshaw began disrobing. Cole gullibly said, "I can't believe JBL is going to go one on one with Rey Mysterio." JBL stopped short of taking off his shirt. He said due to his announcer contract, he's not allowed to "beat up the Superstars." He said since he loves to fight, he ran into someone in the back earlier today who's up for a fight. In fact, "He loves to fight." Finlay's music played. Cole complained that JBL didn't ask any hard-hitting questions as Finlay entered the ring. Finlay held the mic, then bashed Rey in the head with it out of nowhere. Then he grabbed his shilelagh, hit Rey with it, and then left the ring. Cole asked, "Why?" Good question, but at least they've giving Rey something to do. It seems like they could do better than Finlay in terms of taking advantage of Rey's star power, but they don't have a lot of depth of heels to choose from.

[Commercial Break]

-A recap aired of the latest in the John Cena vs. Randy Orton feud.

-Jimmy Wang Yang met with Yang. Ying said he's a brother from another mother. Carlito walked up, but ran off quickly when Chuck Palumbo showed up on his bike. He revved his bike as his way of answering every time Maria asked a question.

[Commercial Break]

-They showed the exterior of the arena in Atlanta. That's one of the cooler exterior angles of a sports arena.

-The beach volleyball segment aired for the 2007 Diva Search contestants. They limbo'd, too. Cole said it's up to WWE fans to decide who will join the sexiest women on TV next.

-They went backstage to current WWE Divas surrounding Krystal in her wedding dress. She was joined by Jagged Edge who sang to her (and were pretty good, too).

-Ring introductions took place for Mark Henry and Batista.

3 -- MARK HENRY vs. BATISTA

Henry controlled the opening minute with some punches and a nerve hold. Batista came back with a shoulder tackle and a spinebuster. The Great Khali stopped the action (thus turning babyface in some fans' eyes) by walking toward the ring with his interpreter. Batista met him half way down the ramp. When Henry came up on Batista, Batista gave him a spinebuster on the floor. That gave Khali the opening to take control of Batista. Khali applied his vice grip in center ring, then Henry nailed Batista with a clothesline. Khali stood over Batista's fallen body.

WINNER: No decision in 3:00.

STAR RATING: 1/4* - It's really annoying when nobody bothers to make the outcome of the match seem important. It's also bad for business, because every time there's a marquee match-up where the finish is treated as inconsequential, it undercuts the selling point of matches WWE tries to sell fans because if outcomes don't matter, then that takes away one of the selling points in general of the product.

-A vignette aired promoting Undertaker appearing next week on Smackdown. WWE does a great job treating Taker appearing as a big deal. It's too bad people high up in WWE don't see that had they treated Ric Flair that same way in recent years, he could mean a ton to ratings. Vince, Steph, and Brian Gewirtz live in a bubble where if he wasn't a big deal to them the past 25 years, he's not a big deal to anyone, but if they were students of their industry, they've realize he's one of the few reliable ratings getters when positioned respectfully and prestigiously within a show.

[Commercial Break]

-Cole and JBL were shown at ringside discussing what Cole described as a "star-laden" event. JBL promoted the Undertaker vs. Henry rematch for next week's show. Then they went to the wedding.

-Rev. Bruce Bruce walked out, followed by Mr. McMahon (when was the last time he walked to the ring without his "No Chance in Hell" accompaniment?), Coach, and dozens of other wrestlers. Trevor Murdoch wore a jean jacket and tie. I.R.S. was in his full red suspender wrestling costume. Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco sat in the back row. Once everyone sat down, Hornswoggle popped out from under the ring and set up a chair right next to Coach and Vince. Vince looked irritated.

[Commercial Break]

-Teddy Long "George Jefferson'd" his way to the ring with a huge smile. JBL said he's the luckiest man alive. Long's son, Butch Reed, and Ron Simmons came out with the bridesmaids, Michelle McCool, Torrie Wilson, and Vickie Guerrero. Then came the bride, Krystal. After Krystal tripped trying to walk up the steps, JBL told Cole, "Weren't you nervous when you were a bride?"

Jagged Edge performed live for the wedding. When they concluded, Jillian Hall walked out and said she couldn't let the wedding be ruined by such a poor musical performance. She began to sing. Candice Michelle and Melina dragged her away. The reverend said "Praise Jesus." Hornswoggle began beating up Coach as the reverend tried to continue the ceremony. Vince had to get up and scold him. The crowd chanted, "Hornswoggle, Hornswoggle."

Krystal and Long joined hands. Then out came the Godfather with the Ho Train. Long smiled as Godfather entered the ring and began his routine. Long said, "It's my wedding. Come on, man." Godfather asked if Long remembers all the good times he and Ron had. Long said he was there, too, but he loves Krystal more than anything in the world. He said he doesn't know anything he'd rather do than spend the rest of his life with Krystal. Godfather said they didn't come all the way down to the "dirty South" to go home alone, so he asked if anybody else might like to take a ride. Simmons raised his arm. Krystal scolded him. Hornswoggle asked if anyone else wanted a ride. All of the wrestlers stood up, including C.M. Punk, who apparently don't drink alcohol, but will hire prostitutes for sex. When the Ho Train made its way down the aisle, JBL left Cole and followed. Cole told JBL that the wedding wasn't over. Vince tried to order JBL back to the announce table. JBL and the rest of the wrestlers followed the ho train. Patterson, who is gay, didn't follow the ho train and he restrained Brisco, too.

Back in the ring, Long read his vows to Krystal. He told her he loves her. Krystal smiled and was about to say she takes him to be her husband when Hornswoggle ran into the ring and dove under her dress. Krystal screamed, "You little bastard!" Coach and Brisco chased him to the back. Krystal began hyperventilating. Krystal said, "I do." Long was asked if he takes Krystal to be his wife. As he began to say, "I do," he collapsed. Krystal began screaming and shaking Long. "Oh my God!" she screamed as she smothered him and overreacted into weeps and screams. Long was rolled onto his back. EMTs came out with a stretcher. They immediately declared he had a heart attack. Maria looked on confused as the show ended with a close-up of Long with an oxygen mask on.

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