By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"History will show
Our progress is slow
When we win
We win in inches
The future deaf
So the few left
Will need a fist
When no one will listen
Know where we stand
Know we pay the man
It's my flag"
-"God And Country" by The Thermals

I felt that Raw last night was unique. No commercial breaks (except in Canada) meant that Raw was chock full of long matches. Monday Night Raw was almost a special "Canadian PPV," but, sadly, the last half-hour dropped in quality.

-Perhaps at times Chris Jericho feels bored with the business, but I got goose bumps as I eagerly waited the confrontation between Bret Hart and Chris Jericho. Jericho dissected Bret, saying that Bret was a washed-up has been and holding onto the spotlight for far too long. It's funny how I, along with everyone else, was thinking about the Hulkster during this. Oh, brother.

The news out of the night was Bret Hart winning the U.S. Championship. Man, talk about giving an old guy the star treatment. Let's see, Bret Hart was in a WrestleMania match and won a championship belt. Ric Flair bled half to death in a main event match with Hogan's failed project Abyss that garnered a rating of, oh my gosh, zero-point-five.

-The "Commercials" (basically WWE plugs) weren't so bad. Well, compared to the usual train guest host train comedy wrecks we see, the aspect of Hornswoggle driving a Hummer was decent enough. "Originality" isn't really a word wrestling uses.

-Raw felt huge with the announcement of Edge vs. Christian. And just for giggles, WWE threw in Undertaker chokeslamming Edge to make fans happy. There wasn't a whole lot a whole lot of sense to Christian and Undertaker appearing on Raw, but whatevs. I liked how Edge interfered with Orton's match later on, making it seem like Clappin' Christian and Taker hit the Rated PG Superstar only with pillows.

-Sure, I would like Christian to turn heel, but does WWE even remember Christian works for them?

-Bless their hearts; WWE is trying to revamp the WWE Divas division into an actual, respectable division with backstage skits and longer matches.

-Here comes Mark Henry, romping down the ramp. Batista comes in flying from behind and whacks him with Duggan's 2x4. I wouldn't be surprised if Buzz Aldrin told Batista to pay "that fat red bastard" back after Henry hit Buzz with a steel chair in those cheesy Raw adverts. If this was TNA, Buzz Aldrin would have come out on stage and went, "How you like them apples, Mark Henry! Bwahahahaha!" Then, it would be announced that Buzz is the next #1 contender in
WWE's ranking system. Get ready, John Cena, you're about to be buzzed. Ho ho, that's funny.

-So Batista debuts a submission hold, which looks like Perry Saturn's "Rings of Saturn." WWE chose this move to highlight Cean's "Facial Expressions of Doom" (trademark), which continues the tradition of taking me out of matches. I'm passing on the Batista-Cena match. For one, it might be the last time we'll see Batty in WWE, despite how killer his character is. And yeah, no thanks on Cena cheekily screaming out in mock pain.

-You gotta love Cena "addressing his critics." Critics? What critics? You mean "Da Internet?"

The only thing I took out from Cena's "people hate the Cenation" preacher speech is that it reminds me a lot of Hogan's last years in the WWF, when people were getting tired of the Hulkamania cow flop. If timed right, and if worked on right, I do believe that a heel Cena can happen. It is possible.

Who could replace face Cena? Babyface Orton might. His lame-o Swagger match (why?) was saved by Orton's "Facial Expressions of Madness" (trademark) before the Edge run-in.

-Ted DiBiase, Jr. brings out the real Virgil and beats up Yoshi Tatsu a/k/a "The Kofi Kingston Replacement." Same stuff: Unique offense, possible lithium abuse because they are smiling all the damn time, and possible questionable birthplace origins (I'm putting my money on Yoshi growing up in Alabama or something).

Ted has got a trust fund. So that's supposed to make you mad. Perhaps they'll even go down the route of Ted getting "social problems" on us. You know, like JBL talking about illegal immigration or Daivari in TNA talking about racism, even though he's an American. Trust me; don't go down this route. Sure, I would enjoy a bit of Ted kicking homeless people out of a foreclosed home, but in large part, I don't trust WWE to pull off such things with effectiveness. Take a look at how they handle the Straight Edge Society gimmick. Kinda fuzzy, right? WWE: "Whether you're straight edge or you sell drugs to kids, it's okay! Everybody does their own thing! Not that there's anything wrong with that! Buy our products!"

-It was odd to see Michael Cole getting his heel side on during Bret Hart's title victory. I like it. Although shouldn't it be the other way around with Lawler playing the heel role? Man, I remember when the King was calling fans morons and was having a heart attack with every busty female wearing a revealing top. Now, he's a friendly old man who just wants to give you candy. Awww.

-I just hope that when WrestleMania 27 comes along and we see John Morrison coming down the ramp for the Money in the Bank match, we don't go, "Wait. What the hell did he do last year?"

-I wonder how many guys could pull off the bit "Miz walking backstage towards the ring while cutting a promo." Most of the guys in the '80s were either seemingly reading off cue cards or spewing off jacked up non-sense at the top of their lungs. Like it or not, to truly succeed in today's sports-entertainment, the ability to perform on the mic is a huge asset.

-I never want to see a wrestling show fail, but I do admit that I will take great pleasure in seeing NXT wither and flop around like a dying fish. In related news, TNA is apparently going to fire the production crew, the lights crew, the backstage agents, the refs, and Don West (you know, instead of the main source of TNA's problems, which are the writers). Hey, TNA, if these NXT guys are truly "future endeavored," sign these bad boys up this second! We all know you can't resist anybody who was under the WWE umbrella! Come on, I want to see a NXT guy defeat Samoa Joe in four minutes! Crush my hopes and dreams!

-Look, here's Buzz. Fast-forwarding...wait, a fuzzy hand-held camera of Buzz decking somebody? What is this, Impact? So Buzz likes to punch random people in the nose. That's great. If you try to analyze and dissect bits like the Ryder-Bourne bit, you'll end up going insane.

-They recap Sheamus's shocking victory over Cena at the TLC PPV last year. Was Sheamus's victory shocking? Considering the stale state of WWE at that time, yup. Anyways, Cena and Sheamus wrestle each other in a snooze fest. Batty comes in and locks Cena in his submission move (boy, that move could have been introduced sooner, but perhaps WWE was working under the gun). Cena does his Facial Expressions of Doom (trademark), ref Jack Doane tells them it'll be over in five seconds, and End Show.

And apparently there's a new G.M. coming next week. Any guesses?

-Absurd Closing Thoughts: Interesting Raw. The show started off with Canadians (this section rocked) and ended with three Americans and a Scot (this section stunk). The show did drag on a bit with some long matches at the end that were, well, pointless. The biggest news that came from the night was Bret winning the United States gold. Some would say that the U.S. Title is a chump title, and they would be partially right, but hey, WWE didn't have to give Bret that victory. The "Over the Limit" PPV feels like a Smackdown PPV from 2005: the card is just not that exciting and, help me, could have used a PPV gimmick like wrestlers doing "The Biggest Loser" thing. Get it? Wrestlers standing on a scale and if they are overweight, they are..."over the limit?" Ha ha, man, I should write for Raw.

Absurd Raw Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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