By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"I bought me an illusion
And I put it on the wall
I let it fill my head with dreams
And I had to have them all
But oh the taste is never so sweet
As what you'd believe it is-
Well I guess it never is
It's these prejudiced illusions
That pump the blood
To the heart of the biz"
-"Locomotive" by Guns N' Roses

-As TNA tag champs The Band has the "Freebirds rule," better known as "if Scott Hall no-shows or Kevin Nash blows a hip" rule. The Band is holding the tag team gold. In related news, the Motor City Machine Guns became #1 contenders for those belts at the PPV. I don't know why becoming the #1 contender in TNA is almost a bad thing. It's hard to see The Band losing the gold straight up (because TNA doesn't care about the MCMG), so either The Band retains or another b.s. swerve/run-in happens. Ugh.


-Imagine if WWE put David Otunga in a PPV match with Goldust, but nobody cared about either one of them. That was Rob Terry vs. Orlando Jordan. When TNA got rid of the Nasty
Boys, I breathed a sigh of relief and went, "Well, at least there won't be any more embarrassing displays of wrestling." How wrong I was. All complaints about Rob's wrestling ability mean nothing if the guy is over. He's not over. He's like "below sea level" under. It's becoming sad now the longer it goes on and I feel bad for him. He's just not ready.

-Nobody asked for the "Abyss-Chelsea fake assault case" and nobody wanted it. Apparently Chelsea has to spend time with Abyss for 30 days because Desmond Wolfe lost. Yay, the WWF X-Pac/Tori/Kane angle re-visited. It's no fun to see Chelsea in terror because, well, people don't care about Chelsea (seeing Vickie Guerrero in terror actually stirs up emotions, Chelsea might as well be a plant rock with a dress on). Ha ha, you plant rock! You're gonna get assaulted for real this time by the demented Abyss! Ha ha!

-Oh well, perhaps there will be a camera crew to visit Abyss's "home." Mr. Russo strikes again! I'm thinking of heading down to the Impact Zone to commit crimes because it seems the laws down there are super random.

-Yup, I'm an "Anderson Asshole." I would like to see if TNA actually has Anderson target Jeff Hardy for the vices Hardy uses and for being a hypocrite. Not everyone in TNA is in love with the rainbow-haired warrior.

-SPOILER: Sting is going to face RVD at the next PPV. That's right, Sting. That musician who was in that band "The Police." Yup, quite a shock that Sting (real name: Gorden Sumner) will be facing RVD for the gold, considering that the blonde singer wasn't even on the list. Absurdity Rumor of the day is that TNA, nearly bankrupt, decided to blow the rest of Dixie Carter's money on landing a current celebrity. As in a case with TNA, they got a guy who was huge in the '80s. It's a tough challenge for RVD as he's facing the "King Of Pain." Watch out for that bass guitar, man.

Actually Rob Van Dam will be facing the wrestler Sting at the PPV. Some people are throwing a tiff over the fact that Sting is the new number #1 contender, despite um, not really winning lately. But these are people in the business of conning us, ladies and gentlemen. And sometimes they fail at the con part.

Only God knows why TNA felt the need to introduce a "championship ranking." Let's say that Matt Morgan became #1 contender. Sure, Morgan vs. RVD would be unique. But let's look at two proposed PPV matches: Morgan vs. RVD or Sting vs. RVD. Which do you think that the casual fan is going to latch onto?

To me, the only reason why I cared about the ranking system was that at least it was a way for TNA to know that they couldn't pull off "jobber Rhino vs. Sting for the gold at the PPV" again and try to pass it off like everybody cared about Rhino. Despite no one knowing (especially TNA bookers) why Sting is heel, he's the top psychotic heel running roughshod over TNA. Why is Sting #1 contender even though he's taking out wrestlers with his baseball bat and threatened Dixie Carter? Uh...he defeated Jeff Jarrett, and JJ's like Triple H!

-Don't think too much about it. Sting's being pushed, not Matt Morgan (who was last seen getting Muscle-bustered by Samoa Joe). So the ranking system is a big lie. "Lies" are common in wrestling. Like the phrases "bait and switch" and "card subject to change."

-Why did you buy the RVD vs. A.J. Styles match at Sacrifice? Why, to see Lethal beat up Ric Flair, of course. And you wanted to see a weaker PPV match than their TV match.

Some would argue that people don't have money for TNA PPVs, so hell, keep on bringing the good stuff for TV. But such a train of thinking is self-defeating. If you throw in everything and the kitchen sink during the Impact episodes, what's left for the PPV? What's the point of even pumping up the PPV? It's nearly Impactmania every Thursday night. You can still get good ratings without squandering PPV matches. They just have to become better at presenting the product.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

We suggest these recent related articles...

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: HBK To Crossbow Lesnar On Sunday, WWE Asks Paul Bearer's Ashes To Sell Mania, Punk & Triple H's Post-Mania Plans, Cash Cow Cena = Bieber?

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - State of WM29 Card: Rock & Cena To Sing About Buffalo Nipples To Get Heat, What Heyman Should Have Stipulated To Hunter, Punk To Relieve Himself In Urn To Get Heat

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw & TNA: Using The Recently-Dead For Storylines, Bully Ray King Of Da World, Swagger To Be Sold To N. Korea Post-WM29, And Raw Gets A Flat